Julee is gone!!!!!

[JuLo]

Hello everyone!
I would like to say I'm sorry in advance if this becomes long or rambling, but I feel the need to get this off my chest.
I have been dressing since the age of 11. Like many of us it started with Mom's stockings and went from there. There never was a time that I really got "caught" but Mom knew that I had been in her "things" and warned me to stop. My parents diviorced when I was 14 and I lived with Mom. I still dressed when I had the chance. After graduation, I remained living at home & working. Mom moved out of the house to be closer to work and to be with her SO. The joys of crossdressing were found! I could dress when ever I pleased and I did! I never went out and I didn't really know that there where others out there like me. Keep in mind this was before the internet! This is how things where until I met my true love!
I met ,(I'll call her) T on a chance meeting, almost 24 yrs ago. I was in love with her from the first time I met her. We were married 21 1/2 yrs ago. Our marriage has been blessed with 3 wonderful children ages 19, 17, & 15. Like any marriage there has been ups and downs, but through it all the love has remained. My dressing diminished for the first couple of years. The discovery of the internet and knowing that there are other CD's out there changed that! I discovered this site and have been a member for a very long time. Although, as you can see from the number of posts, not very active. I started dressing again & building my own wardrobe and collection. Then on Valintines Day 20 yrs ago, my wife discovered Julee. It was the worst day of my life. Of course all the usual questions were asked. I was asked to get rid of my things, which I got rid of some things but not all. I also attended councilng for my "problem".
I continued to dress off & on. Keeping my things hidden. Every so often I would slip up and T would find something or see a trace of makeup that I didn't remove. This continued until last week. There were many aguements about my dressing. But through it all the marriage and our devoution to each other has remained.
Last Thursday, Halloween of course, I had a weather related day off. I spent the day in feminine bliss. Even though I do not pass, I spent the entire day as Julee. As the joyfull day drew to a close, I put my things away and became a husband/dad once again. I had thought I had put everything away and removed all evidence that I had spent the day dressed, but I was ratted out by a tube of eye makeup remover! I had forgot it on our vanity! T discovered it and had reached her end! She confronted me and we had a huge argument. It wasn't real pretty!
Friday, T had the day off. She was going to spend the day shopping with our 2 oldest kids, both girls. Before she left, T set Julee at the curb for Friday trash service. Every stitch, heel, hair, and lipstick tube, gone!
So today I am going to go cold turkey with no more dressing. I love my wife & family with my whole heart. I know this is going to be hard, but I hope that I can live through it. I know in the back of my mind that the urges of CDing will not go away. But wife & family mean more to me.
Once again I am sorry for rambling. I hope that someone will actually read this. I feel much better for getting it off my chest. I will continue to visit this site and hopefully live through this tough time. I may continue to dress through all of you wonderful ladies.
Once again thanks for listening!

[Erica Marie]

Hi Julee. Sorry to hear of your story, when I was married I had a similar situation. Needless to say it didnt blow up like yours did. We did try counseling and it helped her at least understand. The marriage ended for other reasons. But maybe counseling could help both you and your wife. Hope it all works out for you.

[Launa]

You are very disciplined to do this and kudos to you.

[suzy1]

My heart aches for you Julee. I was in the same place as you some years ago and its not nice!
This must be one of the most unpleasant situations for any crossdresser. You have nothing to blame yourself for but neither does your wife.
Some here would say its your fault for not telling your wife about your CDing before you got married but most of us never do.
The feeling you must have got when you found out all your Julee things had been thrown out must have been like a stab in the heart!

All the best for the future and you never know how things will turn out long term.

A hug from Suzy

[Jackie7]

So sad for both of you. Wishing you luck, love and strength on your most difficult journey.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Rambling? View the writers forum on this site for topics like this and you will find rambling.

It's good rambling, as is yours.

I had a similar experience but it was accompanied by an alcoholic/drug outburst. My CD was ratted out by my cousin. My wife dealt with it by asking me get in a program for the main problems and put the girls stuff away to talk about it later. We never really have but the lying stopped.

Fast forward 6 months. I am very much focusing on the programs and helping other alcoholic addicts. The dressing is there but not nearly as much. This site helps me focus on myself and, perhaps, say things that are useful for other girls.

The point of my entry is, don't jump on "counseling" unless you know where that is going. Don't focus on crossdressing (or lack thereof) if there may be other things that also affect your life.

In May I was a alcohol/marijuana addicted crossdresser. Today, am just a crossdresser who is a loving husband. I have a private side of life and my wife knows it. Some of it is my relationship with my sponsor. Someday my wife and I may talk about dressing...or maybe not. There are no lies. This is what keeps me going.

Life offers us a banquet. Find the best stuff out there and enjoy what you can.

But that's just me talking...aka, rambling.

robbin

[Michelle (Oz)]

Julee, your plight is one many have experienced yet each relationship has its complexities and nuances which only you can know. You might find some helpful advice in this forum and on 'Loved Ones' - worth having a look through.

Sadly, from my experience and others, this thing just doesn't go away. And your wife should fear your bitterness which will increase over time. It is hard to love someone totally when they don't try to understand and deal with a part of you. That will be a burden to you.

I know I'm sounding negative about the future and I hope that I'm wrong.

Above all I really really believe that you should make no promises about stopping dressing. Have a break and assess where you are. And we're here to support you.

I'll venture one thought - and may be quite wrong. I suspect that on each occasion you have been caught you would not have defended your right/need to dress. Your wife would think she's in the right to demand that you stop. In one sense by submission you have validated her views. Probably too late to change stance though.

[Beverley Sims]

Julo,
Kudos to you if you have the discipline to carry this right through.
Consider other circumstances in your journey though as you progress.

[Lynn Marie]

From my own experience, it's not so much the cross dressing but the deception that hurts our wives and SO's so deeply. It seems so innocent to us, people deceive each other all the time, but it's totally devastating to those who place their total trust in us.

I wish you well.

[GaleWarning]

I think you have made the right choice. I applaud you!

[samanthasolo]

Julee, I wish you strength and peace in your decision! I know you are in a tough place and I can only imagine you feel as though a piece of you has been taken. I too had a similar situation in my first marriage, not that my things ever wound up on the curb. I lived the secretive life of a CD that although she knew was not at all accepting, was never a pretty picture when she found things inadvertently left out, and the shameful feelings I had of myself doing something I could not stop doing that was looked at as something sneaky and deceitful by her. There did come a day when we split but were for more of the common relationship issues that lend to the failure of a marriage! One thing I can say is that love is suppose to be unconditional! In my opinion through your unselfish act of giving up dressing because you say your family and wife mean so much more has been brought on by her putting a part of you in the trash and at the curb! Sounds like you are now left to live as only a part of yourelf, compromised, and broken forced to be a person that someone else wants you to be. That sounds very sad to me! I hope that this does not feed to resentment on your part. It is one thing to purge on your own free will but this more lends to the old " You can lead a horse to water, bit you can't make him drink" I offer my sympathy because it appears as though you are left at the curb waiting for the rain to come so you may drink or long enough till the garbage truck comes back to take away what is left of you, should the day come that she decides what is next she wants to throw away of What Is You! Sorry Hon! Good luck

[Chari]

Whatever path you choose, remember this forum will be here to listen, and perhaps find a solution to your problem. Good luck 2U

[Jean 103]

I have a similar story as do others. Life is hard at time's. I know that I don't need to point this out but, you still have your family, Good luck to you

[linda allen]

I'm sorry that had to happen to you, but it's not unusual. Sometimes we have to make tough choices in life but your family should be the most important thing in your life.

My advice though, is that you not continue reading or posting on crossdressing forums if you really want to stop. It's like a recovering alcoholic hanging around bars and drinkers. Find a new interest like golf or model trains to occupy your mind.

Best of luck. You can do it if you really want to.

[SherriePall]

I am so sorry to hear the news that your wife caught you before you could tell her. That may have made a difference had you done that. However, that is not the way things turned out, so I wish you the best of everything as you mend the fences.

[Seana Summer]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Julee. I myself have found dressing to be a very special blessing......... and a curse.

Do what is best for you and the ones you love.

[Tammy Nowakowski]

I'm so sorry to here we are losing Julee. Maybe one day Julee will be back. We will be here for you if need us

[Jenniferathome]

Julee,

I am sorry to read that things have come to this point. I am a realist and pragmatic, so I'l like to pose a few rhetorical questions. What will you do when the urge comes back so strong you have to act on it? And I write "when" because it will happen. Just like the need to come up for air when you are underwater, you can hold your breath but the need for air grows by the second. Next, what I see in your post is a series of "got caught" moments and despite the clear objection by your wife, you continued to do this in hiding. You have to talk about this. Therapy for the BOTH of you would be a good course of action. Your wife does not have to like it, accept it, or participate in it, but she has to understand that it is a part of you. If you and your wife believe you can "quit" then you will both be terribly, inevitably, disappointed. Are you prepared for this?

I wish you the best of luck

[Jaylyn]

Julee I applaud you also for putting family first. Dressing is hard enough on us mentally sometimes without the extra tough situations we have to go thru. I hope your strength can handle it. Visit us on here and keep us posted. It won't be as good reading the post in male mode but maybe for a while you can live vicariously thru some of the posts. I also agree with Jennifer you should after a while maybe when all the kids are gone get your wife and you to a counselor to help with the emotions you are gonna experience. I have tried to quit several times but it seems it always comes back bigger and stronger. Good luck and know we are behind you and thinking of your plight.

[JuLo]

A big thank you to all that have post responses! It's very nice to know that someone care! I will keep plodding along!

[Robbin_Sinclair]

......My advice though, is that you not continue reading or posting on crossdressing forums if you really want to stop. It's like a recovering alcoholic hanging around bars and drinkers. Find a new interest like golf or model trains to occupy your mind......You can do it if you really want to.

Well said. This site is so special because it is just that. Special. We CDers fit in the "other" category. Few people will admit to identifying with you. That doesn't change the you. You are who you are...whoever that is. Best of luck. xxr

[MonctonGirl]

Thanks for your story. Most of us have probably been forced cold-turkey for one reason or other ( college dorms, room-mates, military, parents, fear, etc. ) so most of us can relate and we feel your tension ... are sorry if you lost some favorite items. Wishing you strength and luck.

[kimdl93]

I certainly wish you the best in your effort. However, I share Jennifer's apprehensions and honestly am concerned that living this way may have adverse emotional consequences for you. I know, those aren't supposed to matter....man up and all that other BS...but it's a slow, erosive force that can become a problem far greater than Your CDing. At the very least get counseling to help you cope.

[CarlaWestin]

Julee, I know that you are going to do what you know is the right thing. I've been in the similar situation twice. The ex actually helped with full makeup and everything just to get a photo for evidence. Yeah, like I said, the ex. The 'tweener (between marriages) was acceptable to anything but just not really compatible. My wife had real deep set traditional religious prejudices about my proclivity but is seeing a therapist (for other issues) that truly understands gender emulation. Our discussions weren't so rigidly one sided as yours were but I had predetermined that if she thought that complete erasure of all things CD related was the only way to have a relationship then I would attempt to do it knowing full and well it would fail. But, honestly, that would only be living a lie. And I would compare everything that she did that wasn't straight and narrow to what I had sacrificed. And I'm not spending the rest of my life just wanting and yearning. If I'm dreaming about the pleasures of emulating the Carla half of me, I'm certainly not going to feel excited about a craft fair. And, really, life's too short and marriage isn't supposed to be a prison.

Please, no flames. These are just the unique conclusions I've arrived at in my own situation. Your mileage may vary.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julee, I wish you luck in your future with this problem it's going to be hard but do your best .