Hi all,
So it has been a while since I posted or have been on the website to see what everyone is up to. Finally started to feel up to coming back and getting involved again. So for those of you who don’t know me or my story a brief re-introduction is in order. I am from the Pacific Northwest of the United States and have been a Cross Dresser since I can remember (about age 5). My mom was a seamstress when I was very young and I got to be her little model/Dressmakers dummy. She still has pictures of me with my doll and in a dress. She tells stories of how when I was 3 or 4 I would only play with dolls they had to force me to play with trucks. Oh and yes I was born with hypospadias chordae basically urethra opened just above my testicles and my penis was curled like a rams horn. I had several surgeries as an infant and again at age 7-9. This gave me lots of lovely times in school when the boys would pick on me for sitting down to pee and generally being different. Dressing made me feel normal and I did it whenever I could.
Over the years I have had off again on again problems with the boy parts and pain. Learned to live with it and get on with my life even served in the U.S. Marine Corps for just shy of 8 years. Married (26 years now) and had 2 miracle babies, now 18 and 22. Yes they are miracles as I was told that I would not be able to have sex much less have kids. Fortunately wrong on both counts. I am now in my late 40s and finally got a therapist and came out to my wife earlier this year. The coming out went incredible she accepted me and even helped me with my makeup and clothing she has been an incredible and loving wife and I am so thankful she is in my life. Unfortunately as you could expect I also suffer from major depression and have been on and off of antidepressants for the last 20 years. I was off them and doing good (I thought) until about May of this year when I crashed hard was feeling suicidal but had no plan just thought about killing myself all the time. I kept remembering something that my dad used to tell me when things got bad “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. Finally I called my therapist and told her what was going on and she got me into the doctor and back on Meds.
The problem with Antidepressants is that they leave me feeling flat, kind of like Kansas, for a long time no real ups no real downs just existing. The good news is that I started to finally have energy to do things the bad is that Samantha went into hiding. In addition to that my surgical repairs for the Hypospadias have started to fail. I have been having ohh 9/10 pain every time I pee, feels like red hot broken glass coming out, as I am a diabetic I have to pee a lot, and Sex Forget about it who wants to have that kind of pain doing what should be fun and pleasurable. I am seeing a urologist in about a month to discuss another surgical repair. Hmm wonder what he would say if I said to just cut it off and make me a vagina?
So this year although not over yet has been one of interesting changes and learnings. I have discovered my wife loves me as I am and likes my alter Samantha. I have learned I can tolerate a lot of pain on a daily basis but can’t do without my antidepressants. As I have studied and prepared for possible surgery I have learned that I kind of fit into the intersexed community (some of my reading says yes, some says no, some says not sure). I know that I am scared of what I may have to go through with upcoming surgery and yet I will be ok with the outcome regardless of what happens (to penis or not to penis that is the question). I am also finally developing a whole and unique individual that is me male and female. So all in all a good year.
Now for the question: have any of you experienced that Antidepressants decrease your desire to dress? For those Psych professionals in the group is there any correlation between Cross Dressing and depression? Also if there are any intersexed individuals in the group I would love to hear from you and your take on whether or not Hypospadias should fall into that category if so why or why not?
