Snapping

[Stephy]

Yesterday, my wife was complaining that I wasn't helping to discipline my son (be had just raised his fists and shouted at her). I went and told him his behaviour was unacceptable, but he just told me to shut up and locked himself in the bathroom. I just snapped and kicked the washbasket across the room, breaking it, threw my glasses across the room and then kicked the bed about 20 times while swearing. I don't know where it came from - I didn't realise, but I must have a lot of anger bottled up. Part of it is that I feel frustrated that I am not adequately filling my role as a father, but I wonder if part of it is frustration over not being able to express myself and dress the way I feel? What should I do about it? My wife does not want the children to know and there is hardly any opportunity to dress because they are always around. I have missed the last 2 support group meetings because of family commitments that came up at the last moment.

[GaleWarning]

You need to be a good role model for your son, and losing your temper was not a good thing.
Apologize to your son.
Talk to him about ways of helping each other keep in a good frame of mind.
Talk to your wife. Ditto.
Find a way of achieving inner peace.

[suzy1]

We are animals [Homo Sapiens] and like all pack animals the younger male members sometimes try to 'take over'
Fortunately we are also very intelligent and use this to bring up our sons to respect there father.
But sometimes this happens and you have no choice but to enforce your position in the family. If not you have a very unhappy son and a family that is seriously disrupted!
I have to totally disagree with Gale [sorry Gale] but he should be apologizing to you!

[Vickie_CDTV]

When a boy raises his fists to his own mother, there is something seriously, seriously wrong going on. Like others have said, if you have to "man up" to do, it you just have to do it. If he doesn't learn it is never appropriate to threaten women like that, his life is not going to end well.

If I had ever raised my fists to my mother, it would have been the last thing I ever did!

[Beverley Sims]

Stephy,
If you blame dressing for your behavior you need help.
Always put it down to the children testing you and life's pressures in general.
Never let dressing get in the way like that.
It is using it as an excuse for something else out there.

[Shari]

My children would have never dared to tell me to shutup, much less raise their fists to their Mother.
Sounds like the lad requires additional "training"
Spare the rod.............

And don't blame it on you not being able to dress. Blame it on the fact that he was allowed to get away with crap like that in the first place.

[Kate Simmons]

You may need to get some issues resolved by talking to a professional counselor.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Several factors here: First and foremost is the fact that you tell your son that aggressive violent displays are unacceptable, then you lash out in a fit of mindless anger, trumping the child's aggression in spades. This, sadly, will leave an indelible impression on your son, and not in a good way. And I'm sure that it left an impression on your wife as well. You need to sit with your son, ask him if you scared him, and explain (calmly) that is why violent behavior is unacceptable. Try to salvage something positive out of the negative.

Secondly, you need to seriously examine where this outburst came from since you state that this "is not you." If there are stress factors (from work, not being able to relax, not being able to express yourself, from your marriage, etc) you need to address these issues and find some way to alleviate the pressure. If you don't, your next outburst could have more serious repercussions. Imagine if this rage manifested itself while you were driving.....

Find a counselor, minister, or therapist to discover the root cause of your buried anger and then take steps to deal with it before you harm yourself or another.

May you find the assistance you need, and take care.

[linda allen]

Well, you and your son need professional help. You won't get it on a crossdressing forum or any forum for that matter.

Society has removed many of the tools that worked so well in the past for correcting improper behavior in children. If you paddle a child, all he has to do is tell his school teacher and you will be arrested and charged with a crime. This puts the child in charge and the behavior worsens.

I'm glad my children are grown and turned out fine but I feel sorry for any parent these days.

Anyhow, look for counseling in your area. For you and your child. Best of luck.

[Raychel]

Probably not the right method, But if any of my sons told me to shut up and locked themselves in the bathroom, I
probably would have broken the door down and made him apologize to both me and his mother.

Of course then I would have had to fix the door,

[Marcelle]

Hi Stephy,

Firstly, I will start by saying this is advice only and not what you should do. The one piece of information missing is the age of your son. I can surmise that he is preteen or teen at this juncture. If so, this type of behavior is more common as raging testosterone levels can play havoc with a young boy's emotional state (think about when you were his age - nothing made sense and anger was always there). This however should not get him a pass on his behavior and I would definitely push for the apology. I agree with Jodie-Lyn in that your outburst was not the best method to enforce calm behavior in your son (that would be more a do as I say not as I do). I would give you both some cooling time then sit him down and find out what is wrong with him. This could be a simple too much testosterone or there could be some issue going on at school or his life in general which may be causing this anger. Once again, if you put yourself at his age and think how even the smallest silliest thing can cause massive frustration it might be easier to see why he acted as he did. However, in the end, he still needs to apologize to his mother and you for his behavior. On the flip side, you apologizing for your outburst would be a good opening to require his apology.

With regards to your own frustration. I would examine why the outburst happened in the first place. Were you mad at your son's behavior? Were you mad at yourself? If you find that not being able to dress is causing you some angst, talk to your wife and try and arrange at least one day a month for Stephy. Perhaps she can take the children out somewhere for half a day so you can dress. I know that while dressing calms me to some degree, it is not my only centering point. Isha has allowed me to examine the core of my anger issues (nothing to do with CDing BTW) and work on those while "en boy". I suspect that there are some issues bubbling below the surface which are getting entangled with your CDing, the trick it to find them. Working with a counsellor is one way but I find that some good introspection when dressed and calm will at least help you search through the "white noise" and find some issues. At that point if you feel they are serious enough, then engage a therapist to help deal.

Once again my opinion only.

Hugs

Isha

[Jill Devine]

You need to be a good role model for your son, and losing your temper was not a good thing.
Apologize to your son.
Talk to him about ways of helping each other keep in a good frame of mind.
Talk to your wife. Ditto.
Find a way of achieving inner peace.

The kid deserves an apology? The same kid who raised his fists to his mother? The same kid who told his dad to shut up?
I think the kid deserves some discipline!

[Cynthia Anne]

[QUOTE=Stephy;3346096]Yesterday,. I just snapped and kicked the washbasket across the room, breaking it, threw my glasses across the room and then kicked the bed about 20 times while swearing. I don't know where it came from -
Sorry if this sounds harsh or rude! But that type of behavior has a lot to do with your sons attitude! Time to set a good example instead of teaching him to be disrespectful!

[GaleWarning]

I may be wrong (and if I am, I apologize! ), but I suspect that the lad is mimicking his father's behaviour.

In which case, I stand by my advice. Father and son need to sort themselves out, together.

Violence is never the answer.

And yes, I agree with Beverley that to try to use dressing as an excuse is avoidance of personal responsibility of the worst kind.

[linda allen]

As I posted above, "discipline" is now illegal in the USA.

So now what do you do, send him to his room? Where he has his own TV, computer, Ipad, etc? What does that teach him? Take away his computer and I pad? Now he can't do his schoolwork. And what if he refuses to go to his room? What will you do then?

A kid who acts like this as a teenager is a kid who wasn't taught right from wrong and respect for others as a much younger child when he could be controlled by his parents.

Without professional help this situation can only get worse.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stephy, So much for what has already happened, It is time to quickly get involved with family counseling.

[LPark]

Kids have a knack for finding and pushing your buttons. Glad my kid has turned 40. His kid are now rewarding me for my patience with my son.

[Stephy]

Thanks for the responses. It has helped to get views from different perspectives. I had been looking at the situation from a self-centred point of view.

BTW - my son is 13 and so does have a lot of hormones racing through him at the moment!

[mikiSJ]

I let my anger get the best of me one morning when my daughter was four and slapped her, very hard, on her forearm. She was being four and I lost control. It never happened again during the next 33 years.

As for you and you son; you need to learn to vent somewhere else. Also, you and your wife need to find out why your son is so anti-social. You better find out now, rather than later. His issue isn't adolescent hormones.

[Bria]

Stephy, I'm sorry to hear about the extreme strss in your life at the moment. Kids sure can get us worked up sometimes, however, it is important to remember, WHO IS THE ADULT? I learned that many years ago when one of the daughters got into a conforontation with a teacher. I went to the school and talked to the principal, he came up with the phrase. We were able to work out a solution to the pro9blem at school. I would echo Isha's suggestions. It's hard to apologize sometimes (or maybe all of the time) but when we see that our own behavior is inapproprate it sets a good examp;e to do so. I hope that you can come to some resolution in this matter, keep us posted, Bria

[Tara D. Rose]

This is very sad indeed. As parents in this day and time, we cannot discipline our children the way we were raised way back in the day. What is a parent to do? My children are grown and gone and are doing so good in life and I am very proud of them. I never paddled nor whipped my son, and I only gently paddled my daughter just two times in her life but only after she had done really very badly. I'm not an expert on raising children to grow up to be good decent, respectful law abiding citizens, I guess I am just lucky in that regard. Stephy, I can relate to to your anger, you feel helpless to dispense discipline the way the older generation was raised, for there are laws against that now. And young children seem to know this, they can do what they want. They not all but some problematic children seem to think they can do what they want, and they do think about the ramifications, yes they do, and they move forward, with the thinking in their young minds, "what you gonna do parents?" Send me to my room just after a supper?
I do feel your helplessness, what can you do?

[suchacutie]

Respect is earned. All children act out as they grow through those "formative" years, but must be shown that this behavior is detrimental. They want to be respected, but they also need to earn respect. They have no control over many aspects of their lives and that can lead to frustration, and acting out. Their peers are going through the same thing and bad choices/habits can be transferred to your son, meaning you must eliminate them immediately.

Check out his friends, where he goes, who in school he speaks with. Talk to teachers. Get closer to him not farther away. He needs to know that you are his best role model, so showing him acting out as acceptable won't work.

Your dressing has nothing to do with it. This is just called life.

[Kiva]

When I was young, if I ever raised a fist to my mom, I would have been beaten by my dad, and it would have been well deserved.

If my son would have done the same to my wife, I would have beaten him too, and again, it would have been deserved.

Kids do not run the household. That is the tail wagging the dog, in my opinion.

It sounds to me that your son needs a 'come to Jesus' meeting.

[kimdl93]

I know how this kind of tantrum emerges...yes, it is in part frustration, but hat doesn't justify loosing control. My experience suggests that you can get this under control. Start by understanding that anger is a choice. And also, recognize that though you may feel frustrations, there are other means at your disposal to relieve them. If you can't manage this a
One, seek a counselor. You, your wife and kids all deserve better of you.

[CynthiaD]

By blowing up the way you did, you let him win. Personally I would have opened the bathroom door and gone in after him. I would have kicked the door open if necessary, but it's usually easy enough to open a door non-violently. Then I would have explained in my "I'm going to kill you pretty soon" voice that:

1. We don't raise our fists to our mother.
2. We don't tell our father to shut up.
3. We don't run away and hide so we can get away with it.

Then I would have given some appropriate non-corporeal punishment.
When you're the boss, you've got to be the boss. Even if you don't like it.