Happiness? How important is it?

[Kate Simmons]

I made the decision for years to suppress myself and make others happy. When I finally came out openly as a CD, those people were no longer happy and wanted me to give up my desire to express myself. Once the cat was out of the bag, I couldn't put it back in so those other folks, my wife and family were not happy. I eventually lost them to keep being happy.Their choice on that issue. This is a personal decision that has to be made by each and every person, not just with regard to CDing but with anything in life. What makes us happy doesn't necessarily make others happy, so at some point we have to make a choice. No one ever said it would be easy.

[Suzanne F]

I have told my wife and I would not take it back! I can breathe now. I am lucky, she has supported and helped me. That has not come without pain though. We have struggled to find balance and I have had to slow down at times. I want to be totally out and that is not comfortable for her. We love each other very much and that has saved us.

For me I could not have dreamed of how much my life would change in the 8 months since I came out to her. She asked me point blank, " Do you want to be a woman?" I started to answer if course not but sometimes came out. That started my march to freedom. I now go out regularly as Suzanne with and without my wife. I meet other ladies from this forum out in the mainstream world. I glow when I become Suzanne. I will never go back to hiding!
I know this level of being out is not for everyone. I understand each person must make those decisions for themself. I just don't think I could be happy now without being Suzanne. It was so suppressed for so long. It was eating me alive on the inside in secret. I hope my story helps others avoid this self hatred. Thanks to all the inspiring women on this forum for helping me!

Hugs
Suzanne

[Vanessa5]

I thought by keeping this part of me a secret was a way of keeping my wife happy. When I came out I was finally happy but my wife as I suspected was not and is still not. The DADT part is now what depresses me. I believed that maybe someday she could understand if we talked about it but it is not to be. I am starting to believe that in order for us both to be happy a divorce or seperation may need to happen.

[Seana Summer]

A couple of thoughts on happiness

A friend of mine who is a pastor at a local church (not my church) once asked me "do you want to be right? or do you want to be happy?" in regards to an issue that me and my wife were arguing over (not CDing). That has been great food for thought!

Second thought

While it would be great to "do as I D@^% well please and to H3!! with what others think or want,...... why should I, ole number 1, not be happy all the time?!?!". Well...It is unpractical to say the least. If everybody in the world took that attitude, nobody would be happy, ever.

[Alice B]

I've always said that if you do not enjoy what you are doing, then why are you doing it. I greatly enjoy dressing.If I did not I would not.

[Jenniferathome]

... in most cases it is basically we are accommodating our SO so that they can be happy and live this fantasy life where existence is idyllic, and where we suffer in silence.

But, most of us are not happy.

I don't agree with either of these statements. The word "most" is patently wrong. "Some" is appropriate. I would equally argue that if you have told your wife/SO, they accommodate US, not the other way around. If you are hiding, that is your choice but not one about which to complain. It is a situation that is most easily solved.

[Jodi]

My wife of 10 years respectfully declined to live with a transgender person. She respects my decision to be who I am but does not agree with that life style and will not live with it. She also does not want the children to know about it. Since we agreed to separate and I have felt more freedom to express myself, she says I look happy for the first time in our 10 years of marriage. She wants me to be happy and no longer holds anything against me. She just wants me to be happy at this point. And I want the same for her. We both have difficult roads ahead; her with working for the first time in 10 years and standing on her own, me with transitioning and going back to school to follow my dream. I don't think that struggles determine unhappiness, I think that the willingness to go through the struggles when you know what is at the end of the journey is what causes true happiness. It's the prize at the end of the race that makes it work it. Yes, you have to go through training, sore muscles, lack of breath, sometimes dizziness and fatigue, but at the end of the race, it was all worth it. That is the way I look at it.
Right now I'm going through the pain of it. My wife moved out 2 days ago with the children and its living on her own now. Yes I'm sad, yes it hurts, no I'm not giving up. I am going to finish this race come hell or high water.

Eva, Bless you and your naiveté. Your hurt is just beginning. If you don't have a good lawyer now, you'd better get one fast. When the lawyer games begin and the property settlement goes on, you will know what stress really is. When it's all done you just might not have a shirt on your back or a roof over your head, unless you protect yourself.

Good luck.

Jodi

[JennyLynn]

I, personally am not happy with hiding in the "closet", but then again, would I be happier coming out? Who knows. I take my happiness where I can find it. If I could design my perfect world, I would not want it. Who wants to live in the "perfect" world where all our desires are met. What a boring place and sure way to never be happy! Ever want something so badly and then get it, only to find out it was the wanting that
made you happy? Now you have it and it gets tossed aside? Been there, done that. I'm now more careful about what I think I want and appreciate the want more than the have. Make sense?

[Julie Gaum]

So many sides of the "happiness" issue have been addressed and many do hit the spot, that is, making happiness out of whatever circumstances life has dealt you. I do, however, question those who think that they are compromising with their wives or GFs by
accepting DADT, dressing only when they are out or asleep and other very restrictive agreements AND either say that they fine with that or that they are unhappy. I don't for a minute believe that they are really fine with such agreements. Compromises to work must be mutual as Reine once said correctly. Can't dispute those who state that their wives and family come first and CDing is not a factor in their lives. Knowing full well that the urge to CD, whether it's an overwhelming motivation or something they are able to do happily once a year ---
at some point it must be discussed with a loved one and a MUTUAL agreement concluded that will make both sides happy. Easy to say? Yes Everone willing to do it? No way. I don't have one solution other than communication that MAY bring happiness. In the meantime many of the posters will remain with their heads in the sand and proclaim how happy they are.
Julie

[Maria 60]

Wow! You really got me thinking on this one. On one hand I feel lucky I took the chance of telling my wife, telling a traditional Italian women wasn't the easiest thing to do, it could have went either way. She has a great attitude and wants me to live and tell her if I want something that she is my pocket aces in my poker hand. That's the happy part, the unhappy part is the hiding and always being careful of being caught and not having the opportunity to dress when I want. We love taking chance's but we are one click of a cell phone from being in some real emotional problems. That's the unhappy part. Even without the dressing in our lives how do we weigh happiness.

[CarlaWestin]

Happiness. That's a condition that's not tragedy, fear, saddness, boredom and many other emotions. You know them. I derive percentages of happines out of most of lifes conditions and I'll have to say CD is way up on the list. I'm proud of my career and I love my family. I'm in a holding pattern at DADT and I hope to respectfully progress past it. Hope. There's an emotion that's almost as good as happy.

[Aly Cat]

Eva, Bless you and your naiveté. Your hurt is just beginning. If you don't have a good lawyer now, you'd better get one fast. When the lawyer games begin and the property settlement goes on, you will know what stress really is. When it's all done you just might not have a shirt on your back or a roof over your head, unless you protect yourself.

Good luck.

Jodi

The funny thing is that I dont want the roof I have over my head right now and the clothes on my back are the 50% of hers that she gave me so that I didnt request a mediator. The 50% that I got were of course her least favorite/worn but its 100% more than what I had before and that suits me just fine. I actually want her to have the house. My kids are with her and I want the best for them. She is planning on moving back in here in about a year or so whenever she can afford it. For the time being, I am trying to find a renter so that I can move and start my new life. We are pretty civil about how things are going. It is of course hard but it is what it is. All I can do is keep looking ahead and moving forward.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Simply put, if you are not happy why bother to go on.

there are other reasons to go on than happiness, Suzy. Honor, duty, responsibility, purpose, competition, accomplishment...

I'm more of a 'feeling of accomplishment' person than a happy person. I'm rarely unhappy, but usually satisfied with life.

Deedee

[Deedee Skyblue]

"When the lawyer games begin and the property settlement goes on, you will know what stress really is."

My bother and his ex-wife agreed to divorce amicably. Both lawyers went out of their way to stir up hatred between them. Years later, they are still good friends, but no thanks to the lawyers.

Deedee

[suzy1]

there are other reasons to go on than happiness, Suzy. Honor, duty, responsibility, purpose, competition, accomplishment...
Deedee

It was a sort of throw away remark Deedee, not to be taken to seriously.
I could not agree more with what you say here.

[mary something]

It is a situation that is most easily solved.

You should write a book

[Christina Kay]

I hid in a closet from age 11 till 56. It became unbearable as I got older , and realized this wasn't ever going away. Just came out to my wife a month ago. Would I take it back, the first two weeks YES, Yes, yes,..The last two weeks , things have settled quite a bit. She has noticed how much happier and balanced iam. Yes this is just another hiccup in life, but a tough one to swallow. We have noticed our interaction with each other has increased , and so has our happiness . We now enjoy girlie moments together. I was happy before I came out , but I now feel a completeness to my soul. A inner contentment and a happiness that is hard to explain. My wife said to me the other day, "Since you came out to me, the whole energy of this house has changed,For the better". Iam truly blessed to have a wife who is so understanding.

[Tina_gm]

True happiness is a state of mind. Some of the happiest people have very little, and some of the most miserable people have so much. As Cders we have an additonal aspect of our lives that often times makes true happiness a complicated struggle.

It has been almost a year now that I gave up my fight to deny and repress this aspect of myself. I will likely be making a thread on this. I have achieved some inner peace and happiness from giving up this fight. But, it has also led for some other struggles as well. Right now I am doing some inner reflecting on my gender issues. I do not plan on not Cding, but there is likely to be some changes with me. The changes are mostly internal ones, and it will likely involve my overall focus in life. As for now, my dressing habits are not going to be changing much, if any.

As with anything in life, there is always compromise. Whether it be wanting to buy a new home, or going on a once in a lifetime trip, subtantial money is required which means the sacrifice of working harder and longer in order to get the money that is needed. The sacrifice is giving up short term fun time, or cutting back on leisure activities. both because of a lack of time to do so, and to save money as well.

As parents, we sacrifice much of our time and leisure activities for our kids. It can be frustrating at times, but there is a greater good of the happiness we get of having healthy happy kids who become successful in life. There are no guarantees. Sometimes the best parents who make the best choices and make many sacrifices still end up with kids who are not happy and are not successful in life. I know of a couple of parents who that has happened to. It is heartbreaking for them to see their kids struggle and suffer, knowing that there is nothing they can do to end it. Only peace of mind knowing that they gave all they could.

So far I have been blessed with my two sons who are both doing well in school, one exceptionally well, staying out of trouble and both are for the most part happy. That brings me a greater overall joy than putting on womens clothing. There are times when the desire is strong, but the sacrifices I am making are for a greater overall happiness in life.

I am married to a wonderful woman who brings me so much joy and fulfillment in life. It is amazing that she has accepted me at all coming from the life and background she has had. It has not been without great struggle though. And there is still times where she struggles with this, and probably always will. There too are, have been and will be times where I will sacrifice the enjoyment of dressing and just feminine expression for her. Not that that is the only thing I sacrifice. I sacrifice many things for her, as she does for me.
In the end, a lifetime with her and her happiness is more important and of a greater overall satisfaction than that of wearing women's clothing.

I agree with the fact that should we sacrifice ALL of our personal enjoyment, and do not allow ourselves any expression of who and what we are, life would become miserable and not satisfying. There in lies a balance. With those of us who have the unique condition of having desires and enjoyment of a gender that is opposite our birth gender. That balance can become a very tricky one. But a balance nonetheless and ultimately those who have achieved happiness are those who are able to balance their lives with great success.