Julie Rings In The New Year Solo

[Julie]

Good Bye 2005! Thank God! That was the worst year of my life! But I won't bore you with negativity.

About 15 years ago (maybe more) a friend of mine invited just close friends & SOs to his house for a safe New Year's celebration. We had a great sit down dinner featuring the best lobster tail I ever had and later enjoyed each other's company w/o all the noise, smoke and drunken idiots so hard to escape on New Years Eve, if you venture past your door. My wife and I liked it so much we made New Years Eve a family celebration. Lobster tail was always the main course at dinner.

So I went shopping for dinner yesterday but didn't want to spend all the $$$ on a lobster tail, usually $20-$30. I saw Alaskan King crab legs and fillet mignon on sale so I decided on surf & turf. I got a big baked potato for the side. When I got home I vegged in front of the TV for a while then around 6PM started to get hungry. WAIT! Where's Julie? (Not to be confused with Where's Waldo?) So I went upstairs put on some makeup & a red skirt & top and a pair of suede boots I just bought & a gold necklace. I messed with my hair until I was okay with the look and whallah! Julie was back! No forms, no wig, just me. And I didn't look too bad either.

So I cooked dinner and later realized Julie isn't too good of a cook. The potato wasn't cooked all the way and then I blew it up in the micro trying to fix that. The filet was over cooked and kind of tough. The crab was good but by the time I got half way through it was cold. Anyone thinking I'd make a good wife better think again. Still, it was enjoyable and the dog loved all the scraps of which there were a lot.

Looking back on 2005 I could cite all the bad things but it's in the past and no longer matters. What I will remember is all I learned and all the wonderful people I met.

I learned that everyone has problems and no matter how bad you have it someone has it worse. (I'd hate to be that person who can't say that!)

I learned it's wrong to judge a book by it's cover. I met so many people I'd never have given a thought to getting to know that I ended up liking more than many who I tried to get to know.

I learned denying who I am is like trying to kill a part of you but when you do that all of you eventually dies. I had repressed dressing for ten years and soon was living under a lot of stress. I found sedation in alcohol. I used it to self-medicate but had no idea I was killing myself both with the booze and with repressing Julie. As soon as I stopped repressing Julie the daily drinking stopped. I often look back at how the two were so closely inter-related.

I learned you have to like yourself if you ever expect others to like you. When I was living a lie (others didn't know about Julie) it was easy to like me because I only focused on part of me. But when so many found about the rest of me, I hid from shame and embarassment. Little by little I am crawling back to that point of liking myself again. I am starting to realize some of those people who were in my life will never accept me and I have to accept that. I have a long way to go but at least I'm moving on a positive path.

I learned how much we impact the lives of others, often without ever knowing it. One time stands out in my mind more than any other. I had befriended a guy who was in a similar situation as me but instead of being TG he was gay. He, like me, was struggling about the wife & kids at home. I always saw him as a rock, very sure of himself. He could withstand anything. I envied his confidence. We talked a lot but one time, probably close to a year ago, we went into the back room of the bar and had a long heart-to-heart talk. He told me about a month ago how much that talk impacted his life for the better and thanked me for helping him. If he hadn't told me I never would have known and I never would have realized that we can help even those we think don't need it.

I learned the importance of doing things slowly even when you think you've found a solution to a lifelong problem. The world around you needs time to adjust if you are going to make changes in yourself.

I learned so many more things and all at the age of 53-54. That reminded me once again we never stop learning as long as we are alive.

I look forward to the new year as it will bring a new life, one without denial, hiding my true self or repression.

I look forward to renewing my relationship with my family and hope they can accept me for who I am.

I look forward to finally finding out who I really am (what a job that has been!) and finding true happiness.

I look forward to becoming more involved with the TG community because that's where I will find the strength I need to survive in the mainstream community.

And I look forward to keeping the friendships I've had and making new friends as well.

[SIZE=5] HAPPY NEW YEAR! [/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]It's gonna be a good one. I can just feel it![/SIZE]

[Rebecca Petersen]

Very well written and just beautiful. Thank you.
Rebecca

[windycissy]

Julie,

You managed to survive the worst year of your life without lasting scars: you are well-centered, your sense of humor is intact, and I'd say you have laid a great foundation for a wonderful 2006. Happy New Year!

Windy

[KathrynW]

ummmmm...whatever happened to the bass playing gig?

[chattaboxx]

Julie

I have just read your lovely post and I hope this year all your hopes will come true, thank you for sharing them with us

Louise

[Wenda]

Really good to hear you again. Yes, 06 is going to be much better. Happy New Year!

[Butterfly Bill]

You were able to describe pretty precisely all the things you did wrong when you were cooking, enough that you could do them differently next time and come closer to success.

[Olivia]

[SIZE="6"]Thanks for the beautiful post Julie! Have a great new year girl. Love, Olivia[/SIZE]

[Stlalice]

Julie,

Probably the biggest thing that we try to teach/share in "coming out" support groups is the concept that once you have accepted who and what you are and have made peace with the idea, then having others accept who you are becomes much easier. Right now, you are about at the stage that I was about three years ago. Will the road ahead be easier? In some ways yes - that there will be setbacks and hard times is a given - but also given how far you have come in the last year your long term sucess is something that is not in doubt. Your idea of keeping contact with and helping others in the TG/TS community is quite probably one of the best things you could do - both for yourself and others who will follow you. For in helping others to get past their rough spots you will also be helping yourself cope with your own trials. If you are so inclined check out these two passages from the Bible - Matthew 25:34 - 40 and Isaiah 56:3 - 5. They are in some ways the basis that I use to deal with life and trials of being what and who we are.

[Julie]

ummmmm...whatever happened to the bass playing gig?

That's still open. They have only had one practice since I was invited to audition. I'll most likely run into one or more of them at the Wednesday Island Girls meeting.

It's interesting you asked because I was looking at bass guitars in a catalog today.

[Sarahgurl371]

Julie I wish you a wonderful 2006!

[sherri]

I learned so many more things and all at the age of 53-54. That reminded me once again we never stop learning as long as we are alive.

That is my mantra as well.

Lovely post, Julie. But I don't understand why someone as outgoing as you are was alone on new years eve (unless you wanted it that way). When you describe your outings it's obvious you've made many friends as Julie, so maybe you should make another resolution to turn one of those casual friendships into one you can share special occasions with.

[Carole/CCD]

I hope 2006 is a fantastic year for you

[paulaN]

julie I always enjoy your post. you have helped me so much over the past year.When I read your post it is like beeing their, you wright so well. I hope you have a very happy 2006. I mean that with all my heart. Love and kisses.

[Adrianne]

I know what you mean Julie i was glad to see the back of 2005 and i spent new years eve on my own, I am hopping 2006 will be a better for me and i hope 2006 will be a better year for you too Julie.
Happy new year.