Only recently beginning to present in public, I am still plagued by that paranoid monkey sitting on my shoulder saying "run, run . . . the pitch forks are coming" . . . stupid monkey can really put a damper on my day not to mention my shopping experience . Now this got me thinking . . . Why should I be paranoid? I have accepted the fact that people will see me as a guy in women's clothing. With the exception of a few rude comments by small minded individuals, nobody has run over and yelled "Ahh . . . Tranny get him!!!" and , for the most part all my interaction with SAs and others has been positive.
My wife and I were talking about this the other day and she said something that resonated "Welcome to the world of feeling vulnerable" . . . I was a bit intrigued by the statement and asked her what she meant. She said that women feel vulnerable to a certain degree when out and about and it is likely I am experiencing some of that vulnerability. This could be based on how you feel you look, what you are wearing or just being accepted for who you are. So this got me thinking . . . Why do we (CDers) feel vulnerable?
Now some of you will say "Duh . . . obvious, dude in a dress among the world". But then again, I don't want to direct this question to the obvious and definitely not only those of us who go out but to everyone. Do you feel more vulnerable dressed en femme than en boy? Here is my take on this subject:
Now obvious aside "I am a guy in a dress" taking an introspective approach, I do feel somewhat more vulnerable when dressed en femme more than when I am "en boy". Specifically, I am wearing girl clothes when society says this is not right and this can leave me open to scrutiny, rudeness or potentially violence. I can accept that and should violence ensure I like to think I can take care of business. Now I hold no illusion of a Steven Segal moment and me taking on 15 knuckle draggers and coming out unscathed. However, one or two bad apples would not be an issue. Then again, I have not had violence in any manner pushed in my direction. So even though I may be wearing girl jeans and pretty lingerie underneath, I am still a guy who has the ability to defend himself when required. So . . . if it is not how I am dressed, then why do I feel this vulnerability?
I thought about it some more and I believe it has to do with my wanting to be accepted for who I am. When I am "en boy" I don't have to win acceptance, I am a guy, people see a guy so my life goes on without issue. However, when I am "en femme" acceptance is not so forth coming. People see guy in women's clothing and I get some odd stares. However, I find my vulnerability is directly proportional to my acceptance gauge. For example, the other day I was out with a GG friend in the mall and we stopped for Starbucks and the girl at the counter said "How are you today ladies". Now, I know she was being kind but it normalized the experience and you know what, my vulnerability dropped. However, shortly afterwards while sitting down and chatting in Starbucks, a family came in and the teenage daughter was pointing me out to her mother and father and all were sharing a bit of a laugh at my expense . . . vulnerability level went up. Later when in a lingerie shop the SA treated me like any other GG so vulnerability dropped again.
Now this does not only translate to me being out. Before taking the plunge and going out I used to dress en femme at home to practice presentation. When I looked in the mirror and said to myself "you look good, not passable but good" I felt less vulnerable and these days were the impetus for me feeling like I could go out in public. On other days, I would look at myself and say "not in a million years and world will eat you alive" . . . vulnerability up and no desire to go out.
Just curious what others opinions/experience are?
Hugs
Isha