Why do we feel vulnerable?

[CarlaWestin]

Vulnerable - that's the feeling my aggressor gets as I lock on with that "welcome to your worst day ever" eye contact and smile.
The skinny scrapper under the makeup that you just violated is now going to educate you, physically!

[Stephanie Morgan]

My one and only time out and about was in a town about 3 hours from where I live. After having a wonderful time with some TG friends at a cookout held at one of their houses, my beautiful bride and I left to return to the hotel in which we were spending the night. It was about midnight and we both developed a craving for some ice cream. Although I had left the hotel in guy mode, I left the party en femme and we arrived at a Sonic drive in to order some ice cream. Never ever ever having dealt with anyone in public before en femme, I was very nervous but nonetheless placed the order and waited. The young fella that brought out our order was very polite, asking if there was anything else he could get for us ladies. I had been feeling very vulnerable waiting for him to bring our ice cream but when he finished, my feeling of being so vulnerable left.
Upon arriving at our hotel, we were going through a side entrance that was close to the elevator. The bright lights again made that nervous, vulnerable feeling return. As we approached the elevator, a couple approached the elevator and got onto it with us. They never said anything at all, however the girl did look our way for a brief second and then turned away. Being at such close quarters, even for that brief period of time made me feel extremely vulnerable.
As for why I would feel that way, the only answer I could come up with was that being out dressed en femme I am potentially opening myself up for a confrontation with some close minded people. Even though I am somewhat small I am very capable of taking care of myself but the confrontation issue is one that I would rather avoid if at all possible.
On a side note: since letting Stephanie come out into our lives, seems my feelings have become more out in the open and more vulnerable to things in general.
I gotta say I love reading Isha's posts as they always make me think!!

Stephanie

[Eryn]

Stephanie, your feelings are quite normal for someone out for the first time. We are so hyper-aware of our own situation that we think that everyone around us is too.

Let's examine those encounters you experienced. To those people you were just one of dozens of faces they encountered that day. Even if you were perceived as a bit out of the ordinary politeness demanded that they not make a fuss. There are plenty of tall, mannish GGs among us who don't give a second thought to being out and about. Confidence is everything!

[bimini1]

Well I don't know any "weak" women. In fact the GGs I roll with are often stronger than the guys I know. Now I know what the OP is talking about here. A few weeks ago I was out in broad daylight shopping for the first time in years. Interactive with the public and I was fearful going into it but suspended those thoughts long enough to become comfortable. There were some stares, some folks engaged me. There were a few snickers. I also got some compliments and some did not react one way or another. As the day wore on into the afternoon my feelings started to waver from comfort to vulnerable and back again.

If I didn't "think" too hard about what I was doing I was cool about it. But when my own mind got in the way is when I'd start feeling negativity.

[KayleeTaylor]

I have often felt vulnerable or embarrassed and have run from confrontations. I run back home as fast as I can and cry myself into a deep dark depressive state just wishing the world would either accept me for who I am or just move on with their lives.

[ReineD]

My wife and I were talking about this the other day and she said something that resonated "Welcome to the world of feeling vulnerable" . . .

It's not the same feeling of vulnerability. The only time I feel vulnerable is when I fear being overpowered by someone who is bigger and stronger than I am, for example a break-in during the night, or if I walk down a dark street late at night. The other person might have a weapon. But I do not feel vulnerable at any other time when I'm dealing with men.

So . . . if it is not how I am dressed, then why do I feel this vulnerability?

I thought about it some more and I believe it has to do with my wanting to be accepted for who I am.

This makes perfect sense. Few of us enjoy being laughed at or ostracized. We do all need to be accepted and respected as human beings. Nothing is scarier to me than facing life alone in the face of people who would dehumanize me based on who I am, not even being attacked and raped by a man who is twice my physical strength.

But the saving grace for crossdressers is, the moment that you engage with someone who would initially laugh and disrespect you (except perhaps for males whose masculinity feels threatened by your presence), you do cease to be a threat to them. Your humaneness shines through and you can and do melt some of their barriers.

[Kate Simmons]

All I can say Isha is how you feel about yourself goes a long way towards relating to the world and the people in it.

[heidi99]

I, too, enjoy Isha's posts. This one has made me do a little thinking.

I don't think it's physical vulnerability that gives me the butterflies before my outings. I think it's the apprehension of harsh words. As someone earlier stated, words can hurt terribly. Fortunately, I've had way more positive experiences that negative ones.

I think it does boil down to a thirst for acceptance, and the nervousness is rooted in the fact that there are some folk out there that won't be accepting. But I think this is there in most of life. I want to be accepted at work as being competent and a good person to have around. I think venturing out en femme just magnifies the "what if", ya dig?

[Nadine Spirit]

What I have noticed is that when I first go somewhere or do something dressed as a girl for the firs time, I feel a sense of being vulnerable. I have never stated quite that way. I tend to think of it as fear. Now in working through my fears while dressed as a girl, I have noticed that I feel quite fearful many times, not just while dressed. Allowing myself to dress, acknowledging my fears, and working to push past them has taught me much about myself and the world around me. More and more I really understand the statement that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

[Allison Quinn]

"I thought about it some more and I believe it has to do with my wanting to be accepted for who I am. When I am "en boy" I don't have to win acceptance, I am a guy, people see a guy so my life goes on without issue. However, when I am "en femme" acceptance is not so forth coming"

This. I want to be accepted for who I am or not so much accepted just to be left alone :P Your experiences prove that people like us attract attention unless we pass 100%. I'm terrified of going out because I know that even if I am read by just one person I am going to have a terrible reaction internally. So I feel vulnerable not because people don't just accept me but moreso because of the sheer amount of threats in the world that come my way if I am read. Of course they still exist no matter how I am presented but I just have a feeling that I do not need to bring even MORE attention to myself. I just want to blend in and be myself and be looked at as female but in the event that I was presenting female and I was read as male and people said things at my expense I honestly don't know how I would react So when I go out in public I go out in a male shell because that is what makes me feel vulnerable

[dominique]

My take on this is when we go out dressed our 'spider sense' goes up quite a few more notches than normal. We're more aware of our surroundings and that leads to our feelings of being more vunerable.

[sometimes_miss]

for the most part all my interaction with SAs and others has been positive.

Well, what about for the lesser of that part? Then by default, those would be negative. Right?

My wife and I were talking about this the other day and she said something that resonated "Welcome to the world of feeling vulnerable"

That's something most guys lose as we grow up; it's not only the constant feeling that there are so many people around us that could take advantage of us, or literally pound us into the pavement with little effort; but for women, the potential for sexual assault is always there too, and as such a large percentage of them routinely wear clothes that accentuate their attraction, they're almost constantly under the observation of one male or another who they feel wants to do something sexual to them. Now, it rarely actually happens, but just that feeling that someone's looking at you with sexual desire (whether he's actually doing so or not, that's how women usually see it when they feel a guy staring near them for more than a second or so).

Why do we (CDers) feel vulnerable?

Because when we become 'out', we open ourselves to not only potential assault, but also financial, professional and personal ruin as well. There are still a lot of even normally tolerant people who do not want anything to do with us personally. I've experienced lost friends, relatives becoming increasingly out of contact once they know things about me that they don't feel comfortable with. I've seen people lose their jobs because those in management and/or more senior positions aren't comfortable with their sexual orientation (though that was not the primary reason, when two equal workers exist and one must be laid off, then the 'intangibles' of course are used to make the decision, whether it shows up on paper or not).

Lots of people here pretend that these things don't exist. That we are never in any physical danger because we crossdress. That everyone is tolerant and accepting of what we do and what we are. That the laws will protect us against any prejudicial behavior. Etc..

Yet, in our subconscious, we all know the potential repercussions of crossdressing in public. And that's why we feel vulnerable.

[makin' it real]

To those who say women are not the weaker sex, the evidence suggests otherwise. The average US woman weighs 166 lbs, of which about 35% is skeletal muscle. The average US man weighs 195 lbs, of which about 42% is skeletal muscle. Since skeletal muscle mass is directly correlated with strength, the average woman with 58 lbs of muscle is significantly weaker than the average man with 82 lbs of muscle. On average, men have 40% more muscle than women.

Of course some women are stronger than some men, but on the whole the difference is substantial. There are many characteristic physical differences between men and women, none of which mean “better than” or “worse than.” Acknowledging that generally women are physically weaker than men in no way denigrates women, just as I am not diminished as a person when someone points out that I am shorter than the average man. Vive la différence!

~Rachel