My wife found this blog now wants a divorce

[Rick5881]

My wife and I have been married three years but I didn't tell her about my cross-dressing until a couple months ago. I haven't cross-dress since we've been married other than wearing lipstick when I was alone, but she still didn't take it well. I told her I would stop wearing lipstick since it upset her so badly and I really would but after a couple of weeks she said she wanted me to be me, and I took to mean, that so long as she wasn't exposed it was okay, that was a mistake. I found this blog and began to post threads and comment on threads and even made a few new friends. One night after I had gone to bed she opened my iPad and found the blog and read all my posts and was very upset to say the least. I never thought she would go through my personal things so I didn't lock the iPad, another mistake. She woke me up and told me that she felt betrayed and cheated on and wanted a divorce, and no amount of begging from me could change her mind. I'm now living in my old house that we had rented out after we married. Im free to do what I want now but somehow my heart just isn't in it.

[linda allen]

That's a shame but there has to be more to it than just crossdressing or a crossdressing forum. That is, unless you've posted some really stupid stuff here.

If she really loved you, there would be some discussion not just "Get out, I want a divorce."

[Desirae]

I'm so sorry for you. That's terrible. A LONG time ago, I had a girlfriend and I told her that I liked to wear women's clothes. She didn't take it well either. She broke up with me right away. I know losing a girlfriend is not the same as losing a wife, but it still hurt, nonetheless. Since then I never told any subsequent girlfriends. I "hear" about women out there who are OK with their mate's crossdressing, but I have yet to meet any. Most people on this forum say that it is best to be upfront with your SO right away in the relationship. I don't know. It's illogical to think that one can keep a secret like this for any eternity from their mate. Maybe it is best to be honest early on in a relationship. At least you know where they stand then. Before everyone gets in too deep. I would say more women would not be into it than what would be into it. I think most women want a "manly" man and crossdressing would sort of blow that image for them. Good luck to you in whatever happens.

[Rachael Leigh]

So sorry for this, its so difficult for those of us who have non accepting wives, mine does know and she gets frustrated with it at times but she does let me be me as long as its not around her. I do hope you two can work thru this.

[Ressie]

I wouldn't beg anyway, but I would want to know more about "feeling cheated and betrayed". Just because she felt this doesn't mean it's true. Did you cheat or betray? But then again, I don't know what she say on the ipad.

3 years isn't a long time to be married and if it ends you might be better off in the long run. I can almost gaurantee that she has been discussing this with a friend for the last 2 months and is probably getting advice from someone that knows nothing about cross dressing.

I'm guessing you're feeling betrayed too - after all she made a vow for better or worse.

[Karren H]

At least she didn't find out 30 years down the road.... yeah 3 years maybe lost but you have the opportunity to start fresh... not make any more mistakes... make your life into what ever you want....

[Geneva Lake]

Lose her. She's not worth it.

[Erica Marie]

I have been a similar situation with my last gf. She was very open minded about sexual things so one night I figured I would tell her about my dressing. She didnt quite understand at first, but after awhile she said she was ok with it as long as I didnt dress in front of her. She even took me shopping and bought me a few things on her own. Just then she started messing around behind my back and used my dressing as an excuse. Well that was enough for me to be glad she wanted to leave. If I cant find a gg that can honestly say she is ok with my dressing and would be open to me dressing around her, then Ill stay single. I know there are ggs out there that are openminded enough to understand but I think they are few and far between
As for now, be strong and hold your head high. Accept yourself for who you are and in the long run you will be ok.

[Michelle V]

I understand the feeling of betrayal, you have to respect her feelings but it takes two to make it work. Hiding who we are unfortunately has been the way we deal with fitting in our society. Marriage and relationships are based in love and trust. Two very important factors that will make anything workout, love is number one and if there is no love there is no way to make it work. If you fell like you have a real future with your wife you must know if there is enough love to overcome any adversities, if there isn't it is time to move on and find yourself. New beginnings! That is what this is, whether you pursue your wife or decide to be on your own this sounds like a turning point in your life. Good luck

[Nadine Spirit]

Most people on this forum say that it is best to be upfront with your SO right away in the relationship. I don't know.

Yeah, I am one who espouses telling your SO right away. But I also believe in total honesty with any SO. Imagine if one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Shouldn't that be something that is discussed in the beginning and not after one is married? Shouldn't your SO know everything about you, so that a choice can be made? I think so.

I find it hard to imagine two people that are completely and hopelessly in love with everything about each other and then the relationship ending solely due to cross dressing. But then again I find it odd at this point to discover that I am an optimist and I believe that two people can work out anything, if they both really want to.

To the OP - I am so sorry that your SO does not approve, but maybe she feels as though you were not honest with her and that is more of the problem and not cross dressing. Cross dressing could be the easy thing to point to, but maybe it isn't the deeper reason.

[ReineD]

How old is your spouse, Rick, and how long have you been married?

[Christina Kay]

Understand and feel for you. Came out recently to my wife. It was a very difficult the 1st month for her. Betrayal , lies( not telling her I Cd'd before marriage) finding out about forum. I was guilty of all, but through a lot of talking , and her being so understanding and open minded. We are making progress. Time , understanding, comitment , are all factors too how this will play out for you. My thoughts are with you and your wife during , this difficult period. Hugs

[Jenniferathome]

You came out to her and she was able to deal with that. Then she sees that you have commented on this forum and want a divorce?!!? What did you write in your posts? You are leaving something out. Did you make promises to her after your coming out that you broke?

[Marcelle]

Hi Rick,

Firstly, sorry to hear about your dilemma. I had a quick look over your past posts and for the most part they are innocuous so I doubt there was anything in the posts which may have triggered such ire. However, it is possible that while your wife was accepting of the lipstick some of the stuff you discussed in your posts relate to dressing "en femme" and going out in public. So my question to you is . . . Did she know about these desires before she found your posts? It is plausible that on finding there was more to it than make-up this might have been a bridge too far for her to deal with. The other potential could be that she really and truly did want out, thought she might be okay with it, changed her mind and used this as the impetus for exit.

Is there a possibility that you will have the opportunity to talk things out with her? If so, it might be a good idea to ask her point blank "why the forum was the last straw". If it were truly the forum then you might be able to find some common ground and move forward in your relationship.

Good luck

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

It seems to me that you and your wife had a pretty thin relationship. As Linda said, people in a genuinely committed relationship don't look for excuses to get out at the first opportunity. Consider yourself fortunate.

[Michelle (Oz)]

3 years isn't a long time to be married and if it ends you might be better off in the long run. I can almost gaurantee that she has been discussing this with a friend for the last 2 months and is probably getting advice from someone that knows nothing about cross dressing.

This struck a chord with me. My ex seemed accepting of my dressing but line up another relationship over the last 6 months before announcing she was leaving. Mentally she had moved on from the marriage. Her friends were certainly giving her advice and encouragement to leave me.

Rick, you must change yor mindset from "it's my fault and I'm to blame'. Financially you are vulnerable even though you have only been together for 3 years. Why did you move out of your home? Why not your wife? With the same friends in her ear she will seek a large share of the settlement.

Tough advice but learned from bad experience.

[Jill Devine]

That's a shame but there has to be more to it than just crossdressing or a crossdressing forum. That is, unless you've posted some really stupid stuff here.

If she really loved you, there would be some discussion not just "Get out, I want a divorce."

My thoughts too. That was a very fast and drastic response. One would expect some back & forth before she wanted a divorce. Were there problems already and this was the last straw / excuse for her?

[Kelly DeWinter]

Rick;

There is a lot of pain here on both parts, You have to understand that her feelings of betrayal and being cheated on are real for her at this moment. In your other posts you mentioned telling her and being on some sort of road to acceptance. Usually at this point your spouse may feel the need to keep what is discussed between the two of you. Begging and making wild promises will not resolve things. I can tell from your post you have a lot of love for your spouse. Mayby asking her to read some of the posts from the GG's here will give her some basic understanding. The thing you have to focus on now is making sure you demonstrate that you are still committed to the relationship, by doing the same things you have always done, paying the bills, working, chores around the houses. Ask for a period of reconciliation. Where you both can read about TG/CD to gain a better understanding of what it is and what it is not. I would even go as far as to ask one of the gg's here such as Reine to email your spouse.

[JennyLynn]

The mere fact that she snooped tells me she was never going to be ok with it. This problem started at the beginning. Take a break from each other and help her understand via this site. It will be what it is meant to be in the end.
Good luck!
JennyLynn

[Rick5881]

In my mind we had a wonderful marriage, I love her dearly. I'm not sure why she responded the way she did, the only thing she could have done to make me respond in such a way is if she were unfaithfull. I did post to a friend that she looked amaseing ,that she could easily pass as a woman, something I could never do as I'm not blessed with female looks. If I had any clue that my secret would cause so much pain I would have kept it all to myself.

[PaulaQ]

The mere fact that she snooped tells me she was never going to be ok with it.

Yeah, JennyLynn is right in my opinion, in fact, I think it is fairly obvious that she never "accepted" your dressing at all, in any way shape nor form.

Look, I know first hand how bad this sucks (my wife and I have been separated for 4 months now, after 17 years of marriage), but if she can't come to terms with this and you divorce, what you have to remember is that 50% of the marriages out there end, lots of them for really stupid reasons. (Minor crossdressing and posting on what has to be the tamest transgender forum on the internet is a pretty f-ing stupid reason for divorce, imo.) This isn't really any different, in the grand scheme of things, than people who argue over stupid selfish shit with each other, and then divorce.


Except, of course, you aren't miserable, and so it's agonizingly painful for you. And your horrible betrayal is to try to express a part of yourself in private, and on an anonymous forum. OMFG! The horror! <sarcasm> Again, I am deeply sorry and sympathetic to you, and hope she'll come around.

Hire a good divorce attorney, and fast. She may well have already hired one when she discovered you, and was just waiting for any excuse to pull the trigger. Protect yourself, hon.

[Stephanie47]

I see you're 54. You are living in a house you lived in prior to marrying her. Married three years. You are better off than someone who gets divorced after thirty or forty years. At least financially. I suspect your wife is too set in her ways and not amiable to your needs. Just think of all the turmoil in a marriage you are avoiding.

[sometimes_miss]

That's a shame but there has to be more to it than just crossdressing or a crossdressing forum. That is, unless you've posted some really stupid stuff here. If she really loved you, there would be some discussion not just "Get out, I want a divorce."

and

(Minor crossdressing and posting on what has to be the tamest transgender forum on the internet is a pretty f-ing stupid reason for divorce, imo.).

See, this is what so many here want to believe; that crossdressing simply isn't a big deal. Then something like this gets posted, and it smacks us in the face that well, maybe it is to a woman. The sad fact is, we don't get to choose what turns us on, or what turns us off. So when a woman discovers her man isn't as manly as she thought he was, the attraction can instantly vanish. Then if she also discovers that he either hides stuff, doesn't tell her things, or worse, actually lies to her, that lack of attraction can turn to feeling repulsed by him. Then the love disappears. And the anger over 'giving up all those years of her life' for you kicks in, and you're really screwed. And then, very often it's all over but the signatures on the divorce. While it can sometimes go the other way, sadly Rick's experience is the most common (been there, done that).

Rick, you can try to get her to marriage counseling, but as above, if her sexual attraction to you is damaged, then she'll probably wind up finding a replacement male for her sexual desires to target. Good luck anyway. Oh, and you may as well start damage control. Angry wives can make bad enemies. Open a checking account, non interest bearing so it doesn't get reported to anyone, and put some cash away, because your wife may empty all your joint accounts. Make sure you have some clothes put away too, because you might come home to a house with the locks all changed. If she's pissed, she could have all your credit cards reported stolen, OR charge a ton of crossdressing crap first to establish you're 'deviancy', and later report your cards stolen. If she has keys to your car, that can suddenly disappear. And if you ever took any pictures of yourself en femme, destroy them unless you'd like to see them on the front page of a newspaper, however unlikely that may be (she could report you missing, then supply pictures so people could help 'find' you in case you were crossdressed and got amnesia). Prepare for the worst. If it doesn't happen, great. But if it does, at least you aren't left with nothing; no cash, no credit, no home. An angry wife knows all your weak spots, and might use them.

I see you're 54. You are living in a house you lived in prior to marrying her. Married three years. You are better off than someone who gets divorced after thirty or forty years. At least financially. I suspect your wife is too set in her ways and not amiable to your needs. Just think of all the turmoil in a marriage you are avoiding.

Unfortunately we don't get to experience the 'relief' of all the problems for years. In the present, all we experience is a tremendous sense of loss.

Good luck, Rick. You're going to need it.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

I am so sorry to see a marriage suffer. I guess I consider myself lucky in that there has been good communication between my wife and I during the last 2years. Before that I may have found myself in your situation. I came out and told her about Tiffany before joining this forum and found support from everyone here as well as my wife ( we read this forum together). The trick is keeping the lines of communication open.

[Stephanie Morgan]

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. Her going through your things when you are asleep means something is amiss for sure. I wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you.

hugs,
Stephanie