Did you get my Message?

[Katy120]

Brilliant post! We simply need to be communicators of our femininity to the best of our ability and forget the pass/fail system.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Wonderful post Paula!!!

[susie evans]

Paula

I allways enjoy reading your words of wisdom , they are enlightening , have a great holiday season

Susie

[LaraPeterson]

Hi Paula, wonderful, wonderful thread. I'd like to add a little something that might be useless, but maybe it'll stir a thought or two in some of us who have never "worried" about "passing."

My experience with dressing began long, long ago, in a dresser far, far away that just happened to belong to my mom. Some of my earliest remembrances involve wearing her lingerie, long before I new anything about alternative lifestyles of any kind. I grew up with the usual frowns from my parents when they would catch me, but being a determined youngster, I was never deterred.

Puberty arrived and dressing was less important for a time, marriage and kids put it way in the background, but never did it go away. Now, many years later, I simply adorn myself as often as is practical and go out without a care about what anyone thinks. And consider this little anecdote: it has been my habit for many years to purchase lingerie for my wife. So often have I done this, in fact, that for a long time she would tell people if they wanted to know what size she wore, she'd have to ask me--that was before I revealed my femme self to her, but that's another story.

Here's my point, I imagine. Buying feminine things, wearing them, doing makeup, hair, etc., have been second nature to me for so long I can hardly remember when they weren't--even when I was doing it in secret. Being at ease with myself as a "guy" presenting as a "non-guy" who would actually much prefer to always present as a woman has made it much easier for me to be accepted; at least that's how I see it.

I suppose some of the self-confidence that has developed over time allows those who are eyeballing me to look past shoulders that are slightly wider than they should be, hips that aren't as wide as they should be, and a height in heels that is taller than average. Or, maybe, it's just because they know I'll slap them silly if they say anything!

Thanks again, Paula. I get your message, loud and clear.

[RenneB]

I say it's more of trying to look good or not. In your photo, you look great. The person in the background with the hoody.... nope... not trying to look good at all. Strange, because it appear to be a makeup counter. In general, in my neck of the woods, most GGs and GMs don't try to look good at all. It's all about sweat pants, UGs (which I have determined is short for ugly) some sort of top taken off the dirty cloths pile and a jacket from the military surplus store. Yea, they may be comfortable but I'm going to stare and snicker at them for not trying.....

As Yoda says "Do, there is no try". So I do. How do you do?

Thanks for posting and starting the thread....

Renne....

[DebbieL]

You look great, and I loved your message!

I'm one of those of that generation who were brutally and savagely beaten for appearing too feminine even while "presenting" as male.
Simply put, I couldn't pass as a boy, and even through puberty and college, I couldn't pass as a "Man".

By the time I was 12, my mom and I wore the same sizes, and I regularly dressed up in her clothes, until I was about 14. My parents would go to work, my brother and sister would go down the block to play with their friends, and I would dress up in mom's clothes and do the housework, including laundry, dishes, vacuuming, even making the beds. Then, about an hour before mom got home, I'd change back into my boy clothes. I'm pretty sure mom knew I was wearing her clothes (probably stretching them out), because she would take me shopping with her, ask me to help pick out outfits for her, and would often only wear them 2-3 times before putting them on the "charity pile" (meaning I could take them if I wanted). I'm SURE she noticed that the charity clothes were disappearing. Mom even got a wig, which she seemed to need only for a few weeks, until her bad perm settled down.

I did go out a few times back then, usually for a walk around the block with the dog, a trip to the grocery store, or just to do something out in the yard. I might have been able to go out in public and appear to be a young girl. I wish I had had the courage to let my mom support me in going out. Unfortunately, this was back in the days when the "cure" for transsexuals was shock therapy and lobotomy.

When my voice changed, I found out I had a bass singing voice, and thought I would never be able to pass because my voice would give me away. The reality was that my speaking voice remained unusually high, and most people saw me as "femme" and assumed I was gay.

When I finally DID come out, and started going out in public, I remember the trauma of getting "read", especially by young girls who would go into "giggle fits", even howling with laughter, or the guys who would start singing "Dude looks like a Lady" or "Lola", just to make sure that anyone who HADN'T noticed would notice. Of course, by then I was 30 years old, had a wife, two kids, and a good job. Unfortunately, when I came out, and got read, I ended up losing the wife, the job, and finally the kids. I moved to the NYC area, where I would be more accepted. And I was more accepted. In fact, I got to the point where I was quite pretty and looked really good. I had lost over 100 lbs and was comfortably fitting into a size 14 or even a size 12 skirt or pant, and a size 18 top.

For various reasons, I aborted this transition just before starting hormones, and the results were terrible. I gained over 150 lbs, climbing to 330 lbs, eventually leading to two heart attacks and a stroke.

After the second heart attack, and watching my father die, I decided to try transition again. Before he died, he told me "If I give you nothing else, I want you to be yourself, even if that's Debbie". He spent the rest of the week with Debbie, and fell in love with her. At one point, he looked into my face and saw my mom's face. He thought she was coming to take him home. He died the next morning.

I started transition about 18 months ago, and have now reached the point where I am living 24/7 as "Rexy" until I can legally change my name to Debbie. My wife has been giving me coaching in how to BLEND, looking more like an average woman, and less like a ****. The result is that I have been accepted at home, at work, by her family, and by friends. I can go shopping anywhere, and often, when I pull out my credit card with my male name on it, the cashier does a double-take. I do a lot of traveling, and was surprised to find that I also blended in southern states like Louisiana and South Carolina. In fact, I HAD to blend and "pass", because there was no way I could "pass" as a man anymore (38 B breasts, thinned eyebrows, laser, and dark pink gel nails - hard to "hide").

Your point is right on the money. I don't want to "pass" as a woman, which implies I'm a man pretending to be a woman. I want to be "Accepted" as a woman, so I don't have to pretend to be a man anymore.