I know my boyfriend is crossdressing but he won't tell me...

[starbuck]

Hello,

I'm new to the forum, so please forgive me if I am going over an old topic, but I honestly don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about this.

My boyfriend and I have been together as a couple for a year and a half, and we've lived together for a year. Everyone refers to him as an alpha male--he's extremely athletic and fit, very strong, very masculine. In fact, my boyfriend constantly refers to himself this way.

So about 8 months ago, I found 2 pairs of women's underwear and a woman's tank top in with my boyfriend's laundry. My initial reaction was to think that he was seeing another woman, but when I asked him about the items he told me they were his sister's and that they must have gotten into his stuff by accident when we moved. This seemed like a reasonable explanation, so I didn't take it any further.

Shortly thereafter, we moved into a new apartment, and part of this process involved us getting a bunch of my boyfriend's stuff that had been stored in his parents' basement for a while. About 2 weeks after we moved into this apartment, I found more women's underwear in the pocket of my boyfriend's sweatpants. Then I found a receipt that included the purchase of a box of condoms (which we don't use) and an entire make-up bag wrapped in a t-shirt and stuffed under the dresser in our bedroom. I confronted him about these things. He said he'd needed to buy the condoms for a friend, and that AGAIN, the women's stuff was his sister's and it had somehow gotten into our things by accident when we moved. I was much less convinced by these explanations, but I let it go.

Over the course of the next 5 months, I found more lingerie, women's dresses, women's jeans, women's shoes, fake nails, fake eyelashes, more make-up, and a pair of rubber breast-type things--all hidden all over our apartment. Also, when my boyfriend would go into New York to do bouncing at a bar, he would bring 3 bags of clothing with him. This was for gigs that were supposed to last 8 hours, so what were the bags of clothing for? And when he came home, there would be more female items in his bag that he had apparently bought in NYC.

When we were short of money, he would go to Mandee's and buy $100 worth of women's clothing. He still purchases lingerie on a very regular basis, even though I am the only one with a full-time job right now. He has taken my nailpolish into the city and then, when I can't find it, lies about how he has no idea where it is and then later "miraculously" finds it. He takes my books on make-up and fashion and hides them in his bureau. A few weeks ago he wore my underwear when I wasn't home (it was a new pair and I hadn't even worn it yet), put it in the hamper afterwards, and then lied about how I must have forgotten I put it there. More recently, I've discovered that he regularly takes pictures of himself in women's clothing when I'm at work and emails them to...someone. I have no idea who that person is. And a week or so ago I found another box of condoms, lube, and a toy

I am a very open-minded person. I don't have any problem with my boyfriend cross-dressing. But every time I try to start the conversation, to give him an opening to finally admit and discuss this with me, he makes up another lie. And the other issue of course is...who does he send the pictures to? Who is he dressing up for in the city? The condoms, the lube, etc.?

I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but right now I feel like I'm living with 2 people, and one of them never tells me the truth. Does anyone have any insight or advice? I feel lost and strangely alone.

Thanks for listening.

[Rachel Morley]

I am a very open-minded person. I don't have any problem with my boyfriend cross-dressing. But every time I try to start the conversation, to give him an opening to finally admit and discuss this with me, he makes up another lie. And the other issue of course is...who does he send the pictures to? Who is he dressing up for in the city? The condoms, the lube, etc.?

I was going to write you a long response on why he will want to not admit to liking girly things when he is supposedly an "alpha male" but your later paragraph that I quoted above is the crux of the issue in my mind. Toys, lube and underwear are all pretty normal (albeit adventurous) stuff in my view, but if it was just him enjoying himself with these things why would he need condoms? I think he either doesn't know you was well as you know yourself (you said you are a very open-minded person and you don't have any problem with your boyfriend cross-dressing) or that something else is going on.

I think you are going to have to confront him in a non threatening (if that's possible) way to give him a chance to see that you are ok with it if it's just clothes and a sexy feeling he likes to have .... but if it involves another on an intimate level, well then that's another issue altogether. I'm sure there will be plenty of other helpful responses to your thread. Good luck.

[Diane Douglas]

Wow sounds like there are and should be some trust issues here. What matters here is that he needs to open up and tell you what is happening in his life. No matter how much you love him, at some point you will need to know what is going on, or the secrecy will destroy your relationship. Once you determine what he is doing and why, then you can make the decision to continue to accept and love him, or you choose to no longer love him and move along.

I do think, you should start insisting that he use a condom when getting intimate with you and he should continue using them until you are sure you are both safe.

I wish you luck on this journey. May you find some peace at the end of it.

[Jenniferathome]

Condoms!?!?! He's fooling around on you. Challange him on it. Infidelity is a deal breaker.

[Violetgray]

Starbuck,

I want to commend you, because you're already handling it far better than many significant others of gender-variant types do. It may seem awkward and unpleasant, but communication is everything. I'd try to establish a dialog, and not let him feel as though this is an interrogation. I don't know about you, but what I find works for me is to write or type my thoughts out, just to get them right in my mind before I talk about it.

Him being a cd doesn't have to be a bad thing. For the vast majority it's harmless. It's great that you've been so open-minded, but you do have a right to have boundaries as far as the relationship. I think many times what happens is that a woman will try to be supportive and forsake her own needs in the process, which can lead to an accumulation of bitterness. Just something to watch out for.

Also if I'm honest, the condoms and toy are the part that worry me the most, particularly the condom. That I feel is a separate conversation, and perhaps the most daunting of the two.

[Lori Kurtz]

The first thing I saw was Rachel's response to you--or rather, the little section of your original post that she quoted. On the basis of that, I was going to suggest that you be very gentle with the guy, because I know what torture it can be to be a crossdresser, and the depth of denial our shame can get us into. But then when I read your whole post, my feelings changed, big time. This guy is taking denial into a whole new dimension. What he's in denial about is still in question: is he trying to hide from being gay? Or from being transsexual? Or from being bisexual? It sounds to me like a lot more than just crossdressing. And I think you know that, too. Your openmindedness could be a great gift to him, if he deserved it. But I'm afraid he doesn't. Although you don't know exactly what the truth is, you do know he's lying to you. Only you can decide when to stop cutting him any slack about this. But unless he can come clean with you about whatever his secret is (and it looks like there are probably actually multiple secrets), then I'm afraid that you need to start taking care of yourself. You deserve better than what you're getting. I'm so sorry.

[Lucy_Bella]

Welcome to the Forum Starbuck,

I would first like for you to know that this site has a F.A.B. section ( female at birth ) just so you know.. In saying that there is nothing at all wrong with you posting in this section at all either at anytime..

I would like to stay away from the condom and lube issues for now because having external affairs and sexual preferences are in no way related to cross dressing..It seems your boyfriend is quite careless in his urges and leaves a trail of tell tale signs which has me wondering if he wants to get caught...You say you have no issues with cross-dressing but I am wondering ,do you know much about cross-dressing and the broad spectrum it has ?

Something brought you here and I think it maybe you wanting to seek some knowledge ,so I will also ask you ,since you say you are so accepting ..What type of cross-dressing are you open to? I will give you an example of some of the spectrum ..

1. Can you be open to a BF who feel he should have been born opposite of the sex born as and wishes to live full time as that sex..

2. Can you be open to a BF who only feels feminine part of the time or always but is satisfied with the sex he was born as...

3. Can you be open to a BF who has no gender expression or feelings opposite of the sex born as but finds the image of himself or the feeling of feminine clothing sexually arousing ...

I would suggest a nice long talk with the BF on his miss doings if what you are saying is true it is completely un fair to you and I feel can do serious damage to you relationship..
I wish you all the luck in this you sound like a very sweet and caring person..

[Marleena]

Anyways yeah he needs to come clean about the Cding and everything for that matter. The evidence can't be denied. Also agree with safe sex until everything is checked out just in case. Good luck.

[mykell]

umm, welcome to the forum.
first for this topic ive read
i agree with rachel, the but for me is the toy may be the deal breaker for me, new here, but condoms may help keep wearing sexy things from being stained ???
you may have to be alpha female when you have your talk, tough times may be ahead...
good luck and hang in there, hope it works out for you...

[Michellegryl]

Starbuck,

I would like to thank you for reaching out and for your open minded understanding regarding your boyfriend.

I am only guessing here about why your boyfriend will not open up to you but, if he is as you say, and sees himself as an alpha male I am very sure he feels threatened that anyone, especially you might find out that he has a feminine side and he is not the 100% macho guy he wants everyone to think he is.

You are a very rare gg to be so understanding and not threatened by your boyfriends crossdressing. I think the first thing you might try, is to some how let him know that you are ok with crossdressing, maybe write him a letter where you can let him know how you feel without having it be a face to face exchange where he might feel threatened and shut down.

I am sure he does not want to be lying to you, but being a macho guy, admitting to being a crossdresser is just about the hardest thing he will ever have to do.
I know exactly how he feels and telling my wife before we were married was without a doubt the most difficult thing that I have ever done. I had no idea that she would be so understanding and encouraging after I told her, if I had, I am sure telling her would have been a lot easier. I stressed for weeks leading up to the night I told her. I was about to ask her to marry me but did not want to hide this part of me from her any longer.

Let us know how it works out.

Michelle

[Jamie Christopher]

Starbuck:

Your post was very thoughtful... I do know that if he has these issues, they don't go away. My advice would be to have a heart to heart to see if you can work this out with him. I know of many couples that have learned to embrace this to allow both of you to grow, and I hope you might consider it. I depends on what his end goals are, I guess. Best to you,

Jamie

[AmyGaleRT]

Starbuck, you've come to the right place to talk about what your boyfriend is up to...and, girlfriend, looks like you've got a few things to deal with...

First and foremost, of course, is: Is he seeing someone on the side in the City? While the condoms and sex toys MIGHT be innocent (he might be using the condoms to avoid soaking his clothes when he climaxes after getting himself off...MAYBE...), if he's "playing" with someone else, that's the most serious trust issue. Compared to that, just dressing in women's clothes is pretty mild. You really have to address that first...trouble is, I don't know of any good way to bring it up without dropping the "I know about your crossdressing" bomb on him as well.

Aside from that, the issue of him spending more money on his "girl clothes" when you're short of money as it is...that can also be a big deal. My fiancee gets on me if she thinks I'm spending too much money on Amy's wardrobe. And using your stuff without your permission is also in very poor taste...and can be downright unhygenic, in the case of things like makeup.

But him emailing photos of himself dressed to someone else...and taking all that clothing with him when he travels...and the condoms and sex toys...well, it doesn't take Richard Castle and Kate Beckett to figure out something's up. This is the time for one of those scenes where you tell him "We need to talk," in a serious voice.

Hopefully he'll recognize the jig is up, and come clean. What happens after that...is really up to you.

I hope you manage to pull through this, somehow. Know that, right now, my sympathies lie with you.

- Amy

[Rachael Leigh]

Trust issues for sure here,but I'm going to consider a different option on why the condoms an toy. It's possible he's seeing a dom, considering you say he's such am alpha male, he could be overcompensating for that and being dominated could be his release from that. Still he needs to come clean with you.

[Tracii G]

Welcome starbuck.
First off he is lying to you that first and foremost is very wrong and most likely isn't going to change no matter if and when you have the "talk".
He sounds like he has another life working here and if he won't come clean I would be out of the relationship.
If you don't have trust you have nothing.
The condom and toy thing just sounds creepy to me.
The crossdessing part it seems you can deal with but the other stuff I don't know.
There are soo many sides to crossdressing and you need to do some research on the subject.
The people here are the best to ask because books don't cover the subject very well to be honest.
He sounds like a fetish dresser to me with an amorous partner out of town.
Speaking for myself I would confront him and say look stop lying to me because I'm not stupid I can see something is wrong.Lie once more and you are out of my life.
Maybe that will shake him up enough to come clean.

The lying and cheating thing hits close to home because I have ended two marriages because of cheating and lying wives.
Lying to me is the worst of offenses you spoke of.

[Candice Mae]

Since he has lied to cover his tracks in the past you will probably never know the truth behind everything he is doing. But you do have evidence and can draw your conclusions from there, then you have to ask your self are you okay with it? Not only the cross dressing, but going behind your back and then lying about it.

If you still want to be with him and are alright with his cross dressing, go out and by him something feminine. Rap it up and give it to him in the bedroom and encourage him to put it on. If he puts it on then offer to do his make up or pick out an outfit. I think if you confront him he will get defensive like he has in the passed. Which will not bring much progess, you have to show him that you support him. Then his cross dressing should be between you and him instead of the suspected "other person".

If you get him to come clean about his crossdressing, tell him from now on there's no need to be secretive or hide things.

[ReineD]

I would take everything in your apartment that is tied to the CDing .. the breast forms, all the clothes, shoes, fake nails, makeup, condoms, toy, lube, plus print hard copies of the pics you found on the computer, etc, and put it ALL on the bed. Everything, even the clothes you own that you know he has worn. When he comes home, tell him that you know that he crossdresses and you no longer want to be told these are his sister's things or that you had forgotten that you had worn the items of clothing that he wore.

Tell him that you understand about the CDing, but you WILL NOT put up with any more lies and you also demand to know who he is sending the pics to and who he is having sex with. He may be having solo sex with all this stuff but you have every reason to suspect that he's having sex on the side ... until he tells you the truth.

Hopefully, all the lies are a deal breaker for you and you can let him know that he needs to either come clean about everything, or the two of you are history.

You don't want to be living in a relationship where there is no trust. There's no future in this.

Being gentle is all well and good, but that would apply if he were just starting out and only hiding panties or something. He has obviously been doing this for a long time, he knows what he is doing, plus there's the question of whether or not he is cheating on you, and to continue going behind your back like this is unconscionable. You deserve better than this.

[Gillian Gigs]

A relationship is supposed to be built on love, honesty, and trust, this three legged stool isn't going to stand very long unless something happens really soon. It may take something drastic to get this boy out of his denial syndrome. If you can't get the truth out of him...then run girl...run.

[giuseppina]

The last two posts lay it out for you, Starbuck. Your BF has been treating you shabbily, IMHO. One thing I didn't see above is getting yourself tested for sexually transmitted infections. If you weren't infected previously, a current infection is prima facie evidence of his cheating.

I'd like to think I would be substantially more honest and trusting if I ever find someone that can put up me. Cheating is verboten in my books.

It's up to you to deal with your BF as you see fit, however, this member would give a GGF her walking papers if I caught her in a similar situation without an acceptable explanation. It isn't the crossdressing or sex toys, it's the dishonesty and distrust I can't accept.

[Rachelakld]

Can't offer advice,
If I was in your shoes, I'ld cut and run.

While he believes society expects him to be an Alpha male, I suspect you got quite a different and tormented BF.

If you force him about this, the Alpha Male personality might take it as a personal attack, and physically defend himself.
In this case I would suspect you will get physically hurt and badly (kinda like standing close to hear a bomb ticking).

[Sandra]

Can I remind members both new and old that sex toy discussions are not allowed on the forum, now I know apart from one post has been kept fairly on topic, but all references to sex toys have been removed and replaced with the word toy. I don't want to have to close this thread as sofar good advice has been given, so please just think before you reply as to what and how you word your post.

[mary something]

do what Reine says but don't be home when he gets home. Leave him a note to call you or meet you at a public place close by. I think it might be good for him to be confronted with his reality and let it sink in for a moment before talking to you so he will stop lying.

Go to the clinic and get checked for std's. Don't have unprotected sex with him again until he does also.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

[Angela Campbell]

I do not give advice on relationships because I fail at them, but I can give you some info as I see it.

A crossdresser, is a very good liar. They are very skilled at hiding things, and it makes me wonder what is going on that you have found anything at all. I was never so sloppy as to let anyone ever find a single thing that could connect me with any of that over two long marriages. He either wants to be caught or thinks you are gullible and under his control enough he can do as he pleases.

Something is going on that involves another person.

None of this behavior is going to change or go away, and forcing a conversation about it will not bring out the truth, it will cause him to be more secretive than ever before. Even if he breaks down and tells you "the truth" it will not be all of it nor especially true.

You do not know this person as much as you think you do.

[Shari]

If it's your apartment, kick him out.
If it's his, find yourself another place.
Then get yourself tested for stds and move on with your life.
He's a dead end.

[Sallee]

I heard DAn Savage give an excellent response to the same problem. I wish my GF had suggested it. I'll try to paraphrase here. He suggested that you suggest playing dress up in the bed room and tell him it really turns you on. Try this for a while and see if he opens up some. It might take a few times. hopefully you both will enjoy it.

[kimdl93]

Plenty of advice here. I lean towards what Reine and Mary advised....put it all out there where he will see it. If you have any reason to be concerned about an angry or volatile response to this, leave a note for home to join you at some public neutral space. Then hope to have an honest conversation for once.

And both of you should get tested for HIV.