Just a quick survey...

[Toni Citara]

Just a quick survey... over the past couple of weeks I have re-connected with a long-time love of mine, we've been talking about "giving it a shot" - as in, dating and becoming a unit, maybe marriage... problem is she is Vanilla. What should I do? I know she would freak the hell out if she knew of this fun side of my personality, (not to mention her parents, who love the stuffing out of me!!), and honestly I would hate to lose her because she really, truly is somebody I could see being married to for the rest of my life. Yeah, I know.. that sounds corny and never in a million years would I have thought post-divorce I would ever feel like that, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and I want her in my life.

Problem is that my track-record with women is shot all to hell after I tell them about my crossdressing. I purged and gave it up for 20+ years of marriage, and after finding myself again, I hate to kill off "Toni" just so "Tony" can be happy.

So... can the two sides exist?

I gotta say - HELL NO. That's based on my past experiences. Every single time I've broached the crossdressing topic, the relationship dies.

Oh, Happy 2014 ya'll!!!

[docrobbysherry]

If crossdressing is a part of who u r, u need to discuss Toni with your potential SO. If u can give up Toni for another 20 years? Don't talk about her. However, if the latter is your choice, is that realistic? U must be who u r and an SO should accept u for who u r. As should u, her!

[jessica2009]

I feel sorry for you that you are not able to bring your other side out. I was semi lucky to have an accepting SO... So I would say "yes" it is possible to have two sides exist, just gotta find that special someone. I know you haven't had a good record on coming out to your SO's but it WILL happen. just gotta have faith and let the right person come along

[heatherdress]

Seems like you are in a post divorce relationship and should not be thinking about marriage. Seems like you might need to simply maintain Vanilla's friendship at this point.

Maybe Vanilla is not the right person for you to be with the rest of your life, maybe Vanilla would surprise you if you tell her, maybe you can live happily with Vanilla without Toni or maybe there is someone else who would be happy to be with Tony and Toni.

But give yourself some time.

You did ask if the two sides can exist - yes they can. I went thru several relationships after my divorce and I found someone who loves me and fully accepts my crossdressing.

[Stephanie47]

I'm kind of with Heather on the timing. You state "reconnecting" within the last several weeks. That sounds somewhat like somebody on the rebound. If I were you I'd let the relationship "mature" a little before even considering anything further than a casual relationship. Finding out her take on cross dressing and alternative lifestyles? I guess you can play all the hint games; watching Tootsie and the like, going to see drag queens; taking in a gay pride parade. If I had denied myself for twenty plus years, I'd be darn sure my honey was accepting, if not participating, before I'd sign up for another twenty of cross dressing celibacy.

[Katie_Did GG]

Whoa there sweetie. You are trying to make a decision based in part on Vanilla's being Vanilla and you have just reconnected?! Trust me if you can look in the mirror and tell us you have not changed one bit in regards to what you do & think now verses +20 years ago then and only then can you assume others haven't either. Take things slowly with anyone you start seeing. This should be a time of discovery and fun: seeing what you have in common and if any sparks are still there. Time enough to think about marriage later. And you would be amazed what a Vanilla will try, and not only like, but love with the right partner.

[Rachelakld]

My thoughts are -
If you truly love her, you would give her a choice, otherwise you just want to "own" her or like to be "see being married to".
If your not willing to give her the opportunity to know you, she's not the right girl, move on and find one you are open to.

[bridget thronton]

Marriage is a relationship where you should be able to talk about anything - secrets are not appreciated

[Beverley Sims]

It is a bit of a dilemma, I advocate honesty and the longer the relationship goes the harder it will be to tell.
I would let it solidify a bit first and mention that as you got older things have changed.
Read the various coming out threads that are well documented here.
Good luck with it I am sure you will find a solution.

[Tracii G]

I don't know how long you have been divorced so I will ask this: are you one of those guys that feel he HAS to be in a relationship to whole in your mind?
If you know she will freakout over it why even bother getting into a relationship with her.I would think back as to why you broke up the first time.
You don't need to be thinking of marriage right after hooking up again get to know her all over again.
I started dating and old friend of 30 years and when she mentioned marriage I let her know that is not in the picture and I wasn't going to do that again.
I did tell her I was TG even before the first date and she was fine with it.She even enjoys that side of me but I don't push it on her.
My suggestion is take it slow and let her know you CD its best to get that out there.
If she bails you have lost nothing.Who wants to be with someone that can't accept you fully?

[Kate Simmons]

Sounds like you have to make a choice. Only you can decide what is more important to you. You have to make a choice you can live with.

[Vickie_CDTV]

At some point you have to tell, I'd hold off and pursue her and see how things go so you can at least get your foot in the door; if you tell her right off, she might turn and run away immediately. Of course, if you get into a relationship and it gets serious, you then have an obligation to tell her (you can read the painful consequences of not telling her all over this site.)

[Katey888]

Toni - I feel for both parts of you. If I was able to tell a potential SO from the outset I would - it's not as easy once the relationship develops and reactions are rarely fully rational. Strikes me you really have to decide whether you want the long-supressed Toni to be a long-term aspect of your future... that's not easy for any of us, but if you decide yes, then you would be fooling yourself and any potential SO if you weren't prepared to reveal this integral and intimate part of your personality.
Good luck
Katey x

[Kagji]

They can in the right circumstances, but for this one... It sounds like you're gonna have to choose. Sorry, doll. Hope it goes well.

[Lacey New]

Not that I would advocate it - but Lacey lives in a small stash carefully hidden in the attic. She only comes out when the missus of 20 years is away or when Lacey gets to travel and buy new things. But Lacey has learned to live like this and it is her compromise.

[Erica Marie]

Omg. Sounds if you are reading my story. I honestly dont know what to say. I told my exgf after 3 yrs and It didnt go so well. But she had other motives besides not accepting my dressing.
Old flames are easy to reignite but hard to keep burning. I honestly wish you the best.

[Alexis.j]

I would let her know asap, but thats just me. She might not accept it, but its better than telling her later when thing get too serious, then the whole lie/dishonesty/trust issue comes in, and its not nice...
I am not actively looking for a partner at the moment, it would be nice, but she would have to support my feminine side 100%.
There is an old 'girlfriend/good friend' from before my getting married days, that I am seeing quite a bit of lately. But she has always seemed a bit too 'vanilla' to me. Next step is to tell her, whatever happens, happens...

If someone does not like me for who I truely am, they are NOT worth having as a friend. And I will rather be alone than with someone that doesn't support me, period.

[Marcelle]

Hi Toni,

I guess my question for you is . . . Can you really give up Toni again? You indicated that you spend 20+ years without her but found her again. To me that is a strong drive to dress. So, if you move forward with the relationship and can pack Toni away then not an issue. However if you cannot, how long before Toni needs to get out again and how will that go over in your relationship.

In the end, it is a choice only you can make. If you feel you can successfully hide Toni or remove her all together then move forward. However, if you don't think you will be able to hide her well enough then . . . it might require some communication beforehand.

Hugs and good luck.

Isha.

[CarlaWestin]

How about, "Vanilla. I really have good feelings about you and me being together AND there is something I have to tell you. I'm a crossdresser." Unless it is out it becomes more of a betrayal the further into a relationship you get. Unless you think you could quit and not quietly obsess over every thing female you see, from now on.

Ooo! Wait! I know. How 'bout if you casually mention at the right time, "You know, I've dabbled in a little crossdressing before." Her immediate reaction would speak volumes. And I would seriously be aware of the faux acceptance early in the relationship turning into disapproval after the leash is on. I've been screwed by that one a few times.

Anyway, I say some level of disclosure is paramount unless you want to lurk in the shadows and be dishonest to her, and yourself.

YMMV

[Lynn Marie]

So you are already in a loving relationship with Miss Vanilla yet you have this secret you're afraid to tell her. How does that feel to you? Maybe like a wall you're hiding behind? You want to marry this sweet soul while keeping from her an extremely important part of who you've been and quite probably will continue to be. Sounds pretty selfish and deceptive to me. Do you really feel you're being fair to this "vanilla" person. How would you feel if you found out sometime down the line that she was really a boy who'd transitioned into a lovely vanilla girl!

[Lori Kurtz]

As often happens here, you're asking questions no one but you can answer. But since you asked, I'll add my response; I think it's smart for you to gather other opinions. You've been here long enough to know that there are CDers and TG people who are in successful relationship with aware and accepting GGs. There are not many such GGs, but they do exist. So it is not impossible that you could reveal the truth to Vanilla and continue in a relationship with her. Maybe not likely, but still not impossible. For me, as I stood at the crossroad where you are now--looking at the possibility of a new and wonderful relationship after my first marriage failed because of my CDing--I decided not to reveal that aspect of my past, and not to include CDing in my future. For me it worked--but I would never say that it could work for everyone. So I'd urge you to consider just two options, as you think about which way to go. You can reveal Toni to Vanilla, and hope that the three of you can find a way to live together (one of the risks of which is that Vanilla honestly thinks she can accept Toni, but discovers later on that she can't), or you can commit yourself to giving Toni up altogether (and the risk there is that you later on discover that you can't). The option that I'd urge you not to choose is to continue with both Toni and Vanilla in the hope that Vanilla will never find out about Toni. There's too much risk of pain for both you and Vanilla if you go down that road. That's like starting your relationship with Vanilla while continuing an affair with someone else. Now is the time to make a decision. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Best of luck to you, whichever road you choose.

[Majella St Gerard]

If you know that she would freak out about the CDing then how could she be the one that you can spend the rest of your life with. You will just be making the same mistake again. CDing is not something you can just stop, as you well know. Don't set yourself up for a major fall. TELL her before anything goes any further, if she REALLY loves you, nothing that you wear will have any effect on that. But you MUST TELL HER, starting a relationship with this big of a secret hanging over your head is not the way to marital bliss. She WILL find out and then what? Keeping secrets did not work in the past and "killing off Toni" will not work cause Toni is one of the un-dead, she will always dig herself out of her grave and stalk you. You can bet on that. Tony can only be happy with Toni in his life, you know that to be true. Good luck and sorry for the rant.

Peace & Love

Majella

[Desirae]

Feel her out over a few months. What's the big hurry, anyway? "Steer" discussions with her towards crossdressing or even transsexualism. There are bound to be some shows coming up on TV that will be about one or the other, whether they are talk shows, movies, news, etc. You may see an article in the newspaper somehow related to CDing or similar. Start reading it in front of her. She's bound to ask "what are you reading, hon", or something like that, and you can gauge her reaction that way. If you don't see any kind of reaction from her while you are reading, viewing a TV program, whatever, let out a little chuckle, sigh, a "hmmm", whatever, in order to steer her into giving you an opening to see her reaction. Wait until you have an idea of what "she may think" about it before you broach the subject with her about your CDing.

It's a win-win for you. You either find out that she's OK with it or you find out she's not, in which case she isn't the one for you then, anyway. I don't think that trying to keep it hidden from her while pursuing a relationship with her is the way to go over the long term.

[Jenniferathome]

You are in a far better situation that most. As a "friend" she is far less likely to react strongly. She's just your friend. She may hate it, may find it curious, whatever, but it's outside of her. Once IN a relationship, the revelation will take on a new level of seriousness. She cane far more objective today, than after she moves in....

[Tina B.]

First, you don't say why you broke up the first time, and what's been going on for 20 years that you didn't dress, but with no more information than we have, I'll venture to say, I've seen more than one couple "get back together", just to find out they where both the same people that had been before, and why that had split up the first time.
Even and old love, is a new flame when you have reconnected, slow down and pay close attention, We know you can give it up, if you did for twenty years, but where you happy not dressing for all that time? I've gone as long as 5 years without dressing, but happiness had no part of it, that's why I dress now.
I told my wife many years ago, and she accepts me for who I am, so yes, it can work, and yes there are women out there that love and even protect their CD husbands.
Marriage if done right is a long term proposition, and not something that should be rushed into, when it works, nothing is better, but the other side of the coin, when it doesn't work, life turns into a loving hell.
Be careful when playing with an old flame, you could get burned.