Anyone? Can I please ask your advice.

[Erica_xox]

Coming out is a personal and life altering event. Like pulling a trigger you cant pull the bullet back. Once someone knows you have to accept the fact that it can get around to others. It may never, but certainly can. I came out to my best friend, who is my wife. No other family members know, including my kids. For me I have a certain relationship with people and I don't want to change that. I am much more open with new acquaintances or strangers. Going to the store I have no problem being dressed as all man and asking the sales attendant if I can try this skirt on. And I have never had a bad experience with that. I also had no issue coming out at work. I just started and went through the process I thought best, and now I can dress at work whenever. It is great to be in a skirt, heels and nylons talking to a coworker about an issue and nobody treats you different. But these are relationships that do not exist already so they can't change from something you liked to something you don't. I can come in in ladies jeans and heels with a mans shirt no wig or makeup and nobody bats an eye. So for me that is key.

[Jenniferathome]

Erica, I simply reached the point where withholding it from my wife was more painful than telling her. I was driving her away and I knew why. It was unfair of me to push her away like that without telling her why. So I told her.

Now, in whom is it that you feel compelled to come out? If a girlfriend, great. If just friends in general, why?

[Jorja]

I went cooky waaaayyyyy before I told anyone.

[robindee36]

Sorry Erica, can't help you. The only people I am out to are my CD-TG friends. They are very understanding and accepting, but we do share something special in what we have chosen to pursue.

Other than these girls, life is totally in the closet and there it must stay. Gets awfully lonely but outlets like this group help.

I wish you luck in finding the right words and opportunity if you really feel you must come out to anyone. Regardless, the girls here should always continue to be understanding and supportive.

Hugs, Robin

[marshalynn]

Erica, I know how you feel , the brain is talking , but the words won't come out of your mouth. In the last two years I have told twelve people, my family, hair stylist, nail solon and doctor (last Monday). Every time I talk to a new person the same feeling, hard to start talking, but after you wonder what the problem was. No one has hurt me so far, so why the fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can't tell way. Best advice I can give is bit your lip and spit it out.. you will feel like the world has been lifted off you shoulders, at least that is how I feel... Marsha

[Melissa_59]

I came out to some friends that I thought were very close, we knew each other while I was in the military and they'd never suspected while I was in (talk about a UCMJ violation, wow) that I dressed occasionally (very occasionally, and never in a combat zone obviously ) and the first time they saw me dressed they said "Wow" and his wife said "You're actually cute!" I told her to put her glasses back on... but a few years later we sort of had a falling out and now I wish I'd never had come out to them. Like many people have said, you can't put the genie back in the bottle, or Pandora can't close the box, all the King's horses and all the King's men (why would the horses be needed for egg reassembly? I've never understood this)... etc.

I have a pretty close friend up in Canada, I mentioned one time that I wore a skirt to a Halloween party and she said "Well as long as you're not wearing women's clothes full time it's ok" and that right there said "HALT!!!" before ever bringing it up again. She jokes about me and my denim skirt tale but I know that this ... discussion... is not something I'll pursue any further with her.

I've decided now that no one else really needs to know this. It's like finding a UXO really, you never know when it's going to go off on you so it's best to just avoid it.

I can say I wish I knew crossdressers in my local community, but I'm in west Texas... just have a feeling there aren't a lot of us here. I'd have to travel to Austin to find folks, and that's a bit of a drive (220+ miles one way). It would be nice to meet with other people, both dressed and not.

[Adriana Moretti]

dont take my advice....I did it when I was a bit tipsy ...I was going to implode if it diddnt come out....once it did the response to my coming out was....ahhh NOW things make sense ! Alot of my girl friends know....i dont tell guys ...

[Jilmac]

Either I have more brass than others or I'm just plain stupid, but I told people face to face that I loved wearing women's clothes, including two former spouses. each spouse I told before we got too serious and each one disapproved but married me anyway. I did the same when coming out to friends and certain family members. some are accepting and some are ambivilant but at least I don't have to hide anymore, and that mans more to me than non acceptance.

[Erica Marie]

I notice alot of people here are saying "why"
Why come out, why do you want to tell people. Its not that I feel I want to, I think its to the point that I have to. Im not ready to tell the whole world, Im not even ready to tell close friends. But I need to figure out who or what I am. And the only way to do that is to talk about it. The one person I feel I need to talk to this about is my mother. I honestly do not think she will look down on me. Actually when I was in my early teens she had found my stash of cloths. She mentioned it to me but never made it a big issue and thats where that ended. But over some 30 yrs the dressing never ended. Through a marriage, through a few gfs, multiple purges and every day the feelings get worse. For my own sanity I think its time. First to talk to someone close then maybe a gender counselor to figure things out.
I hope Im not alone with this???

[Brooklyn]

Eventually I just got tired of the fear and shame, told a few friends, then my mom, then a few more folks, and now almost everyone knows. Coming out is a highly personal decision, but for me, being trans was/is way too big a part of my life to hide. Hiding it would say that I'm ashamed of who I am. Not everyone was meant to fit in, and I don't want to. Some former colleagues have distanced themselves from me, but I have made so many more and am a LOT more interesting now than during the wasted years I spent wearing tan pants in a cubicle. It's also nice not to burden my friends with secrets anymore.

[litlejohn]

You just mentioned coming out to MOM(MOM is always big for me, lost 2 by 23) and then a therapist. If I may suggest the therapist first, this will give you someone whose paid to not be judgmental and might be able to give you some good advice after meeting you on how best to tell MOM.
I have come out to my SO only, I personally have no need to come out to others. Each one of us have our own levels of need in how far this journey will take us. Dressing at home fulfills me for the most part.
Best of luck in whatever your decision.

[Jorja]

In all seriousness Erica, it can be a catch 22 for many people. Kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't. I think what most are trying to say here is be absolutely sure you want to tell another person before you do it. Once you let the genie out of the bottle, you can't put it back in. If you are in fear at all of losing your job, friends, spouse or loved one, then keep it to yourself. If none of that matters to you then tell whomever you like. At the end of the day you are the only one that can make the decision to tell. Chose wisely.

[DebbieL]

For those of you have come out, be it to a close friend, to family or to anyone.

For 25 years, the only people who knew for sure were my mother and my father. My mother caught me dressing when I was 6. I would go into the bathroom, lock the door, and get dressed. The only problem was that it was the only bathroom and mom coudn't wait, so she used a hanger to unlock the door and saw me in her clothes. I cried, telling her how much I wanted to be a girl. That night, mom was supportive, as was my dad. Later, they went silent and told me not to tell anybody about wanting to be a girl. What I didn't know at the time was that mom had talked about it with her therapist who told her that the "cure" was electroshock, torture (aversion therapy), and if necessary, Lobotomy. Mom had been through the hell of electroshock and would do anything to make sure that I didn't have to go through that. This was back when they did not use sedatives and the shock caused your muscles to spasm and caused intense pain for several seconds until you blacked out. After the first EST treatment, they usually had to wrestle her onto the guerney and strap her down because she dreaded it so much.

Over the next 15 years, from 6 to 22, I went to see many therapists. They discovered that when I spent most of my time with girls, my asthma improved radically. They were thinking of putting me in a dorm with the boys until they realized that made my asthma even worse. They had me see a psychologist and I told him I wanted to be a girl, like Christine Joorgensen. He said "We know, but that's not possible at this point". He shut me down so firmly and quickly that I couldn't even talk about it. Several other times I tried to talk about it with a therapist and was shut down immediately. Each time it was "We know, but we can't let you talk about that". At 21, I had tried to kill myself using a method that should have killed me quickly and yet I somehow survived, but when I told them about wanting to be a girl - the REAL cause of my suicide attempt - I was shut down immediately, even though they knew I had just tried to kill myself.

When I was 25 I wrote it on the last page of my AA 4th step and almost didn't tell my sponsor. He said "Where's the pink elephant?". I had chosen him because he told stories about hustling tricks on the steps as the capital, so it didn't take much for him to realize that I was struggling with gender issues, but I had to tell him. I finally told him and he told me I had to tell my girlfriend.

That Christmas we were dirt broke. We couldn't even afford gloves for each other. She wanted "Rekkie under the tree", Rekkie being her nickname for me. I wrapped a sleeping bag in gift wrap and climbed in. When she walked in and saw me, she climbed into the bag with me and we had a wonderful morning together and slept. That night she said "I got what I wanted for Christmas, what do YOU want?". I told her I liked lingerie and she said she could put some on. I then asked if she had anything for me? She came out with a chiffon robe and we made love and snuggled. That was when I decided to marry her.

8 years and 2 children later, I was doing another inventory and shared the dressing and desire to be a girl with my sponsor. He told me he wanted me to write my inventory again, but this time I had to do it while dressed. I was amazed at how different the inventory was. I'd been doing inventories for 8 years and had 8 years clean and sober, but as a girl, there was a LOT of unfinished business. My sponsor asked me to give her a name. He also told me that he wanted me to come as Debbie to read my inventory. I changed in the car and met him in a private place, and read. Feelings I had stuffed for years came up, and he began to realize that I needed professional help. He suggested couples counseling for me and my first wife, The couples counselor had a few one-on-one interviews with me and realized that I was a "Type 6 transsexual". After seeing my inventory and asking me questions, he told me and my wife that I was transsexual and would probably be dead in a few years if I didn't transition. Then he pointed out that my wife was not a "Lesbian" or even bisexual.

After that, I was referred to a gender counselor. He gave me assignments every week, things I had to do as Debbie.

When I came out to my family, I was very surprised at their reactions. Mom said "I've known it all along, I just didn't know what to do about it". Dad couldn't understand why I couldn't just be an effeminate man like he was. He had told me several times that he had taken a test where they diagnosed him as 75% female. My score on similar tests was more like 95%. My sister said "you've always been the big sister I've never had, now your just my sister". I could brush her hair out without pulling it, could braid it, I taught her to do make-up, and she frequently asked my advice when shopping for clothes. My brother still struggles with Debbie. He knows it's an important part of my life, but he really doesn't want to be reminded of it.

This year I came out to my second wife's family, coming to Thanksgiving as Debbie. They all decided that they liked Debbie BETTER than Rex. It became obvious to them that Debbie was who I really was. For Christmas, Debbie got all the presents. They were concerned that nobody had gotten anything for Rex, but I told them that nothing could make me happier and started to cry tears of joy.

How did you overcome the fear of telling your secret? Im stuck with it on the tip of my tongue.

The first step is to stop trying to hide your feminine side. I've also found that it often helps to have pictures of me in tasteful clothes with make-up and a good wig. A picture of me in a ****ty outfit or cheap wig or bad makeup can actually make it harder. You might even consider going to Glamour Shots and having the whole treatment so they can take a picture of you as a beautiful woman.

I had both my ears pierced and got manicures with pink gel. Not totally obvious, but things that women pick up on quickly. When they ask me about the feminine traits, or compliment me on them, I tell them I'm transgendered. Very often, those who broach the subject first are very accepting and often very supportive. They often know other people who are transgendered.

I started transitioning and once I had been living 120+ hours/week for about 6 months, I sent an e-mail to my boss telling him that I would like to start working engagements as Debbie. He told me to update my picture and I changed my nickname to Rexy. This was necessary because clients need my legal name and gender for various clearance and background checks. Fortunately, my employer has a great diversity program and is very supportive. This is one of the reasons I chose their offer over several others.

I need to open up before I go cooky.

Yes, you do. You need to find people you can trust that you can talk to. This could be a therapist, a counselor, a family member, a female friend, or even a male friend who knows and accepts your effeminate nature. Hopefully you have a few women friends and can share your secret with a few of them, not because you want to date them, but because you need a friend.

Over time, as your come out to more people, you will become more comfortable. Eventually, you will reach that point where it's just part of who you are.

For many cross-dressers and transsexuals, hiding our "True Selves" can lead to incredible loneliness. I have described it as being like being sentenced to life in solitary confinement without the possibility of parole.

[Valerie Nova]

It was my ex-girlfriend. At that point, I felt I had little to lose. She was surprisingly ok with it, although she has kind of a big mouth, and I'd be surprised if that information stopped with her. I guess it's not important though.

As for what prompted me to tell her? Well, I was pretty sure I had marks on my back and shoulders from wearing... well, something that would have been really obvious if she'd taken my shirt off. And she tried to take my shirt off and I didn't let her. So I was on the spot and had to explain myself. It was super awkward.

[Daphne Renee]

I kind of wrote out my story so to speak. Then sent it in an email to the ones I wanted to know.

[Claire M]

I have only come out to my wife and to others in the TG / CD community. My wife and I were married for 31 years before I actually came out to her. She caught me partially dressed once a dozen years ago but I purged and we never really talked about it again until I came out.

I guess I just felt a need to come out to her. I didn't want her to be shocked if she stumbled upon my now growing wardrobe ... or worse yet for someone else to find out and tell her. Coming out had two incredibly hard parts. The first was overcoming the huge fear that she would not accept me or worse yet, leave me. That was one of those bite the bullet and take my chances moment.

The second was how to go about telling her. I'm not a real vocal person but we have a tradition of making lists of what we might want as presents for birthdays, Christmas and other holidays. When she asked me what I wanted for Father's Day this year I included "a pretty sun dress" on the list. When she came to it on the list she got a funny look but it was a good way to break the ice. (BTW .. she didn't buy me the dress )

As many have said, you can't put the genie back in the bottle. I'm gla I came out to her as I don't feel as guilty or sneaky when I do dress which helps my sanity. I don't think I'll come out to anyone else very soon. She is still somewhere between accepting and hoping I will grow out of it. Not nearly as accepting as I had hoped but we are working on it one step at a time. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[DonnaA]

I suppose that there is a right time and place to tell multiple people, like in a mass email. I have never come to that point in my life yet. I may never reach that point.

In my entire life, there has been only one person I revealed my crossdressing to. I was speaking on the phone to an old, close friend. He is bisexual, but not a crossdresser. He actually brought up the subject of gay people and crossdressers, which we both knew were 2 different things. On one occasion in particular, he told me about one of his co-workers whose son was a crossdresser. This guy's son would often go out in public wearing a black minidress, black fishnet stockings, and black high heels. My friend's co-worker was embarrassed by his son's clothing preferences, and he didn't know what to do. But he didn't try to force his son to stop doing it.

My friend had brought up these subjects a few times in the past, but I never said anything. But, on that one particular occasion, I just felt that the time was right to reveal my clothing preferences. It just "felt right". So, I did it. And I am happy that I did. First, I revealed to him that I liked crossdressing too, like his co-worker's son. Then, I said to him, "I'm wearing panties and pantyhose right now." If you think about it, it was kind of weird and funny. Here was my friend (who had no idea yet that I was a crossdresser) telling me about his co-worker's son who likes to wear black fishnet stockings in public. And, as he was telling me this, I was wearing black silky pantyhose myself. It sort of cracked me up a little. My friend accepted it and even enjoyed it a bit. He often asks me if I am "dressed". He now calls me up and asks me if I am wearing pantyhose. He sometimes refers to it as "playing".

So, my advice to anyone is this: when the time just feels right, do it.

Of course, if you need to tell multiple people at once, that is a different story. Some people here suggested doing it in writing. Maybe that is a good idea.

[Sarah L]

I have only told a few people. The ones I have told had already seen me dressed a time or two. Halloween or a "lost bet". That made it easier.

If you must tell, don't hesitate. Tell them "I've got something to say..." and keep on going until you are done.

Maybe aproach it as if you think they already suspect (if she found a stash years ago, she might already have it figured out).

I started walking out my door in a skirt and knew the people around me would see me sooner or later. I decided to tell them so they wouldn't get the idea that they "caught" me.

Some people can't handle it. For the most part, it you aren't ashamed of it, they will accept it, I think.