I can finally cross-dress as much as I want, but I don't want to anymore

[Valerie Nova]

This is maddening. Throughout my life I've kind of wished I didn't have this annoying desire to make myself look pretty. I've even used drugs as a means of "getting it out of my system", so that I could go a few months feeling desire instead of envy when I'd see a pretty girl. Because, you know, that's normal.

But during this time, I've noticed something. The less control I feel like I have over my own life, the more my female side starts to come out. I really hate feeling like I'm not in control of my own life, too. I wonder if the only way my brain can deal with feeling like I'm someone else's bitch, is by fetishizing it? That's an awfully crude way of putting it, but then as Sigmund Freud liked to say, our subconscious minds are very crude indeed.

For the past few years, I've been living with family for reasons beyond my control. But this past April, once certain restrictions on me were finally lifted, I found a job doing something that I was extremely good at. I worked my ass off. I poured everything I had into making this job work. I finally broke free of this city that's steeped in mediocrity, and made it to New York City. No one cares how you act here. I see non-passing transsexuals at least 1-2 times a week, and no one bats an eye. No one stares or whispers, or tells them they'll surely burn in hell, they just go on their way.

I work for a small company, but it looks like we're going to be successful. I'm finally in control of my life. My life is where I want it to be. I can crossdress with impunity. Except, I don't want to anymore. I'm in control of my life now. And I feel like a man again. On the one hand, this is good. It's what I've wanted all along. On the other hand, I have about $500 worth of awesome thrift store finds that are taking up too much space, and that I'm suddenly deeply embarrassed that I own. I kind of want to get rid of it all. But then, I put so much time and energy into getting ridiculously good deals on all these clothes and shoes (and boots!) that it seems like such a shame to get rid of them all. And I can't exactly say I have NO desire to crossdress anymore. I'm just more indifferent to it than I usually am.

Maybe I can get lucky and meet some girl here who loves the idea of having a boyfriend that's more interested in women's fashion than he has any right to be? I mean, there are girls out there that are lesbians, so it stands to reason that there are girls out there who wouldn't mind dating somewhat-feminine guys that like to play with makeup sometimes? But how exactly do you bring that up? That's the million-dollar question right there.

[Cynthia Anne]

The desire not to want to anymore is very common! But just like Missouri weather you can bet on it will change tomorrow! So hang in there because that desire will come back! I wish you the best in finding the right companion!~

[Beverley Sims]

Valerie,
The last thing you want to do is purge.
Just put it all away till next time..
I assure you next time will roll around again quicker than you realise.

[DebbieL]

Sounds like a therapist is in order. When your life is out of kilter and you have less to lose, you want to be a girl. When you are more successful and your life is working you lose the desire. Could this be because you are afraid of losing what you have, even though you know consciously that there is no risk, you have been so used to suffering losses when you let Valerie come out that it's sitting there hiding.

You can have a girlfriend who likes that you are a cross-dresser and might even want you to dress more. This is especially true in New York city, but you have to let you her know who you are. You could do this online, but you might want to get yourself to the clubs in the city. I found that there were many girls in the straight clubs that found me quite interesting and even if they weren't interested, they knew someone who was.

When I was single the last time, I put pictures of Debbie and Rex on my profile on some of the dating sites. I realize now that I would have gotten more hits if I had put pictures of Debbie on the main profile page in the "Men seeking Women" section. Then I could put pictures of Rex in the extra photos section. Lots of women will peek at your profile and if you relatively healthy, have a reasonably good income, and you can offer a woman humor, romance, and the ability to listen, it's likely that you will get several women who are interested over a short period.

The first time I was single as Debbie after my divorce, I went to a number of social events as Debbie. A few women gave me their numbers and asked me to call them when I was in Denver. I made the call and we went out together. Later, one of those women introduced me to a woman who was getting frustrated with her roommate who was transsexual and transitioning and had lost his desire for sex. She came strong and took charge very quickly. Our second date involved a U-Haul trailer.

Who do you want to be? You say that now that your life is working "I feel like a man again", like women don't get their lives together?
Until you decide who you want to be, how often, and for what life activities, you will continue to struggle. I would suggest that you NOT throw the clothes away. Put them into a storage locker if you'd like, but you will regret getting rid of them.

[Rachelakld]

I remember the months when my stuff was in paid storage, they knew I'ld be back to wear them again.
My wife likes my girlish side, but also needs my boy side (who else is going to put out the rubbish or entertain her at night).
Think positive, and positive things will happen

[Valerie Nova]

Who do you want to be?

A guy, in a relationship with a woman who doesn't mind if he sometimes acts like a girl. I want a woman who doesn't mind testing the limits of gender roles. But ultimately, I'm quite straight. I think I could only ever fall in love with a woman.

You say that now that your life is working "I feel like a man again", like women don't get their lives together?

Of course not. That's the maddening part. There's a part of me that feels like a woman, but as soon as I feel like I have my life together, that part of me takes a backseat, and the more masculine part of me starts calling the shots.

Until you decide who you want to be, how often, and for what life activities, you will continue to struggle. I would suggest that you NOT throw the clothes away. Put them into a storage locker if you'd like, but you will regret getting rid of them.

To be fair, there aren't that many articles of clothing, and I should probably go through them and get rid of some of the things that have fallen out of my favor. Or that don't fit. I tend to buy clothing in thrift stores without trying it on, because it's only 2-3 dollars per item, or 5-10 dollars for fancy dresses. And the Salvation Army might frown on a six-foot tall guy going into the fitting room with an armload of dresses.

As far as purging, I can probably avoid that for the time being. It wasn't easy acquiring 10-15 pairs of size 11-12 high heeled shoes and boots. I sure don't want to have to go through that again.

I remember the months when my stuff was in paid storage, they knew I'ld be back to wear them again.
My wife likes my girlish side, but also needs my boy side (who else is going to put out the rubbish or entertain her at night).
Think positive, and positive things will happen

Well, it's heartening to hear that there are women like that out there. I've certainly got plenty of masculine characteristics. I'm not afraid of anything. I can build pretty much whatever I set my mind to. And I'm not too bad at the sexual stuff either. I guess as long as I avoid women whose lives revolve around religion or some other form of bullshit morality, I should probably be okay.

[ReineD]

You are not alone! I can't tell you how many CDers just itch to dress as long as they feel constrained by their non-supportive wives or girlfriends, and it is on their minds nearly 100% of the time. Yet the minute they are free (divorced, or their wives turn around and become supportive), they know it is in their control and they stop thinking about it all the time. My own SO has 100% freedom to dress and s/he only dresses to go out once or twice per week, which leaves the bulk of his time in guy mode.

I wouldn't get rid of all your stuff. Just box it up and find storage for it if you do not feel inclined to dress in the immediate future.

As to wondering how a potential partner might react to the crossdressing, just focus on meeting someone. When the sparks begin to fly and you know there is a potential for a serious relationship, take her aside and tell her about the past. Let her know that you are taking a hiatus but it is your understanding that eventually, the urge to crossdress usually returns.

Honestly I don't think you need therapy. If it ever gets to the point where it is causing you distress, then you might consider it.

[Daphne Renee]

I have a feeling the urge to dress will come back quicker than you think. with more of a vengeance so to speak as well. Dont get rid of your clothes.. as far as meeting a woman.. just be honest from the start with what you want. it will make it so much easier on the both of you.

[Valerie Nova]

Honestly I don't think you need therapy. If it ever gets to the point where it is causing you distress, then you might consider it.

Me neither. I've had plenty of therapy already for issues far more serious than crossdressing, and it wasn't much help at all. I'm wondering if crossdressing isn't some coping mechanism for me when I feel helpless. That certainly would explain a lot.

[ReineD]

I don't think it's a coping mechanism for helplessness. I rather think that the desire to crossdress is strongest when the CDer feels that he can't ... somewhat like a hungry person looking longingly at all the sweets through the bakery window and not being able to take their mind off their hunger. But on a full stomach, the same person would pass by the bakery without giving it a second look.

Even then, despite always having had full freedom my own SO has had moments in his life when there was no need for cross-gender expression. S/he simply didn't worry about it and put her things away for later use.

[LaraPeterson]

Here's another idea: get rid of all the feminine stuff you have; don't throw it in a trash bin, give it to Goodwill or some charity. Walk completely away from Valerie; swear to yourself you are never going to come back to her. Work hard, find that sweet young lady you are looking for and make a life together.

IF you can do that, your life will probably be a lot easier than going back and forth. After you purge, if immediately or later on you get a strong desire to crossdress again, there's room in the big boat for you to get back onboard.

Life is what you make of it, mostly. You might never have to ask the million-dollar question. You might be able to go on your merry way and escape the horrible, recurring nightmare of the split mind. On the other hand, you might find that female dressing is your great escape from the pressures of your "real" life.

Then go see the therapist.

[Nicole_]

I don't think I would get rid of your fem stuff right now. It could end up being an expensive regret to replace it all later. You shouldn't pressure yourself to keep dressing either. Put it away in the back of a closet or storage facility. Enjoy being who you are right now. Whether or not you decide to dress again is not a decision with a deadline.
I would be honest with anyone you are interested in romantically, so it isn't a problem later if you want to start dressing again. No, I'm sure you won't find your special someone overnight, but it would be much better if they love you for who you are instead of who they think you are. You moved to NY so you don't have to hide, so don't. So just be yourself, whatever that be today or tomorrow.
Best wishes!
Nicole

[gautier_nikolai]

I would pack it up somewhere out of sight for a while like others have suggested.Maybe you're right it is intensified by the feeling of lack of control in one's life and now you have more control and freedom over personal cicumstances the pink fog feeling isn't quite so urgent.However, i do also know CDing tends to come in waves amongst many on here so i wouldn't throw away your stuff for good since like you said you put alot of time and care etc.. into collecting it.

Personally, when i have got something i really longed for for a while i realise i didn't really want it quite *so* much as i thought.However frutsrating it can be at times a bit like saving up a long time for something you want as opposed to winning the lotto and just being able to buy that thing every other day.

Sometimes half the fun is in the longing and related excitement.A bit like sex too sometimes! lol

If i could shop in Chanel boutiques etc.. every week it would lose any excitement very soon.

New York sounds like fun though.Perhaps you just have more exciting things to occupy your time there right now!I'm jealous for one!

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes when we attain the "unattainable" we have a different outlook on things. Balancing my feelings gave me a new perspective and made it possible to make my CDing a total choice to do or not. This put me in charge of my own destiny.

[Princess29]

I did a post a while back about my theory that those of us who want to crossdress but can't for whatever reason (perceived or real), then that increases your desire to do it. However, if you get freedom to do whatever you want, when you want it can either lead to a massive period of overdoing it/overcompensating and then settling down or at the other end of the scale but eventually "water will find its own level".
When I moved out from my parents, I could dress whenever I want as I live by myself but usually dont