I am not sure why I am even posting this. I suppose I need to vent and/or maybe hear that I'm not alone in this. Here goes:
I am in a bind right now that I see no way out of. I am married. My wife absolutely forbids my crossdressing. I try so hard to suppress my needs for my family's sake, but I think we all know that is not possible. So here I am in this cycle of suppression, accumulation, capitulation, shame, purging, etc. I am really beating myself up about it. I don't want to ruin my family. If I were caught it would destroy everything. Yet no matter how hard I try to resist, this part of me always seems to win eventually. I may make it months or years but it always manages to defeat my efforts. If I could choose to excise this from my life I would in an instant. I guess that is proof enough to me that there is no choice in the matter, at least in my case. Something is hardwired in me that causes this need. I understand why my wife forbids it. I don't think there are many women who would actively seek a husband that wants to be a woman. I also feel like she doesn't understand what an unshakable part of my being this is. This isn't just some perversion or preference. This is an expression of an integral part of me. It isn't something that can just be shut off and locked away forever. My fear is that I will spend my life suppressing this major part of myself only to have my marriage and family fall apart on me when I can't live up to these demands. There has never been anything in my entire life that was so impossible to accomplish. I feel starved existentially. I feel like I am playing my assigned role, with herculean effort, yet still barely keeping my head above water. I am sure I am a worse husband as more time goes by due to how i feel inside. I am not happy in this, but definitely do not want a divorce. I just want to be released from the oppression I feel. Does that make sense? At this point, if anything were to happen to this marriage, I can not imagine ever putting myself in this situation again.
I have been wondering a lot lately just how far this predilection would take me were I able to practice it, unrestricted. I, as many of you, have seen this part of me evolve and grow into something much more complex than it started as. I have begun to wonder if I am trans or simply a crossdresser. I know i entertain the notion regularly that, under other circumstances, I would live full time as a woman outside of work. I am not sure if this stems from repressing the desires so much or if I am just growing and understanding this part of me more fully. I have tried to seek counseling but, unfortunately, in my area they are primarily faith-based and have basically just said I should stop. Great advice...money well spent. So I turn to this forum for my guidance. I apologize for this stream of consciousness rant...there is just so much on my mind. I feel extremely depressed at the bleak outlook I see before me. I am unable to be whole, and am unable to do what is required to sustain the relationship. Thanks for listening and best wishes to you all.