told her today, dont think she accepts, hope that it will grow on her. i love her.

[Alice B]

The hard part is over. IT will take time, open conversation and assurances from you. If your relationship is strong then all will find a balance.

[mykell]

thanks everybody, trying to stay off,
one less thing....

[Marcelle]

Hi Mikell,

You have taken your deep breath and your plunge into telling your wife and that is probably the hardest thing any of us have or will do. I agree give her time to process she will most likely need it and don't force the issue until she brings it up again. However, you should not wait forever to discuss again if she does not bring it up in the near future as this will only bubble away so give adequate time but you may need to discuss at some point. I would not get too worried about the term you used and wait until you have your next discussion to provide more of an understanding (e.g., I like to dress up in xxx, I am straight, I do not wish to have a sex change operation). If she is willing to discuss then keep the communication lines open, provide her with the answers she needs and be honest in your responses.

Good luck sweetie and please don't hesitate to PM if you want to bounce some ideas off someone or just need a sounding board.

Hugs

Isha

[Dani0948]

You said she did't have anyone to talk to. If she does, who would it be and what impact will that have. Unless she has a friend that is discrete and open minded, the situation could get worse. Do you know anyone who she could talk to that would help?

[Tina_gm]

Congrats on doing one of the hardest things you will ever do. There may be times where you will second guess yourself. I know there were many times where I did early on. I agree also, do not judge much of any initial reactions. Remember that a lot of any difficulty she has will be in that you did not tell her this before. We often think that they are troubled by what we do (and they are no doubt) but a lot of the difficulties they are going through are trust issues and anger at not having been told. While we all say and with good reason to talk talk talk and how big communication is, in the very beginning, she may not be able to discuss much or for much length. That was definitely the case for my wife, and still is. Our convos generally do not go on very long. you did the right thing. For you, for her. It may not seem like it now, but eventually it will regardless of the outcome, which I am hoping will be a good one for you.

[KristyE]

Mikell, I/we all have been there. My SO had the same poor reaction. To slow the roll I said I wanted us to see a therapist ( marriage counseling ) which she grasped onto and calmed her a little. In session we had a third party to direct thoughts and questions and it helped her alot to see things were not as bad as she thought. I hope this helps.
Love KristyE

[Irena]

Hi Mikell,

I think you did the right thing telling her. I feel for you. I wish you the very best. It’s a very big step which requires a lot of courage. You can be proud of yourself. I hope you and your wife will go stronger together.

Hugs, Irena

[Di]

Just to add you have known this about yourself for years and give her time.

Do not worry about what term you used to describe yourself....the answers will come from you....( even if she reads things)
1.you keep on assuring her you love her,
2, explain you hid it your whole life, was afraid to tell her but it was eating you up inside keeping anything from her,
3. do not promise her you will stop, you need to explain if this comes up it is a part of you and something you did since young.

I do hope she comes here our GGs tell us it helps to have someone to talk to and vent to and see how crossdressing can fit in the relationship.

[mykell]

ok, that was hard, we were married 22 years in april, together for 30,
things iv said and done here seem trivial comparing now,
thank you all for your support, thoughts and prayers, it touched me deeply.
shes home, she made dinner, she watched the playoff games with me and we slept in the same bed, she slept i just passed out.
no discussions even when we were alone....

[Jamie Lynn]

That's sounding great, Mikell! Just keep showing her the love and hopefully good things will come of it!

[gatorgirl]

Mikell, Lots of good advice here!! Sounds like she is processing everything you told her, and that's good! Be patient and give her time, and just be totally honest when it comes time to talk about it. If she does join our forum, the GGs here are a great help with all the feelings that are sure to surface.

You did the right thing to share this part of you. Hang in there!

[Brenda Freeman]

I told my wife in 2006 we had been married close to 25 years. I really thought my CDing was under control the occasional dress up purge harmless? Then in 2005 my need exploded so I had to tell her no secrets I said. There was a lot of silence for about five days after I sat down and told her, We both went through the daily motion but not much conversation. Then we had a chat set some boundaries who should know, when etc. she told me if it makes me happy then I should do it though she does not really want to see me dressed. Fast forward I do not have to hide my clothes she still does not really want to see me dressed but has even said I have great legs. So I am happy! We can talk about fashion and make up and if we go shopping and I see something I might like it is not a big deal love that.
I so hope it works well for you. The key is trust she can count on you to respect her wishes and set guidelines that work for both of you. I say this as a person who wanted to stay with my wife and share our life together as we had agreed when we married. We are a team. Good luck I am sure you can find that balance give it time.

[WandaRae2009]

I wish you the best. I fessed up after over 20 years of marriage as well. It didn't go well at first, and one of her comments was that she has no one to talk to about it. I found a counselor through a local TG site. That one session saved our marriage and relationship. She has no way moved to fully accepting, i would classify it a tolerance, and we are basically on a DADT basis. Some of the boundaries were worked out with the counselor. But, I don't have to hide as deeply as I did before. She understands the need. When she is out she calls before coming home, just in case, and she makes sure to remind me of the kid's schedule when she is leaving. One of the conditions was to keep it from the children.

Again, Good luck and best wishes

[natalie edwards]

Hopefully things will be ok. Just give it a little time.

[SherriePall]

Best of everything to you. I, too, confessed after nearly 25 years of marriage. She cried, walked away (I just blurted it out one night when I was upset over something), didn't talk for a day or two. Finally, she calmed down, asked the usual questions which I answered truthfully. Now, 15 years later, it's basically a DADT situation although she washes my delicates and some of my clothes hang alongside hers. She still hasn't seen me and doesn't offer any hope that she will any time soon. I'm still pretty much closeted after all this time. Now, here's the part your wife will be feeling. Telling her you have now put her into a closet, too. If you can get her on this forum or find someone knowledgeable and trustworthy she can talk to, do so.

[Tina_gm]

She didn't have an absolute meltdown, that is good. There will probably be some rough times ahead. I agree she is probably processing, and yes it may take considerable time. I would wait at least a week if she has not brought any of it up to then try to talk about it. I would only offer if she wants to but don't try to make her talk about it if she is still not ready. Just as we are all different, GG's will react differently as well. There are likely to be some pretty good ups and downs. She may need to have you answer the same questions many times over. Try not to get frustrated with that. It is just reassurance. Acceptance comes over time. Where you are now won't mean where you will be a year from now. And some boundaries may change, some more liberal for CDing, while some may need to change for her which are less liberal. I know it will want to all spill out of you, and you will want to talk about it a lot, and doing so will be a tremendous rush, or at least it was for me. But I soon learned I had to temper that as she would become frustrated with the amount of time talking about it. She still will, so our convos are not generally lengthy.

[mykell]

ok, again thanks to all the well wishes and support, today she sent an e-mail, asked all the questions i had answered, the names were deleted,


At this time I am writing you because I am not ready to face you to talk about this. At this time I am not going to go on the web. I feel the web is not going to help me with these mix feelings and I am assuming the web is only going to show one side of this issue.
I am very angry. I don’t know if I am angry at what you are doing or you waiting almost 30 yrs to tell me. Can’t believe you held a secret from me so long. I glad you got it out and how it must be a big relief for you but now it’s a big feeling issue for me. I do have a few questions:

How long have you been doing this?
What made you start?
What do you get out of dressing in woman’s clothing?
Are you gay?
Did you every truly loved me or do you love me?
What did you expect from me when you told me?
How long have you been a member of the web site?
Have you ever gone out of the house dressed in woman’s clothing?
Do you want to become a woman?
I have a lot more questions but we will start with these. I truly love you but I need time to think what to do. I have to figure out is this worth giving up 30 years for.

i stopped everything i was doing went to my computer and wrote the following,

as i stated
in a crossdresser, the earliest i remember was since 7 yrs old, i don't know why i started, but the clothes and shoes feel nice and i feel comfortable wearing them.
i would not be here if i didnt truly love you, i probably would have killed myself by now, there are 2 zip ties above the kitchen sink next to my last cigarette to remind me, so yes i love you with all my heart and now all my soul, nothing is held back now.
as far as gay goes we are considered as part of the transgender section of the spectrum.
i didn't know what to expect when i told you but knew it had to be done since my pop passed. if i died and you found my stuff what conversation could be had, none, this way at least i can answer your questions. but i expected anger, punches, name calling.
im sorry I held it from you so long, but thought i quit many times during my life and the urges always came back and stronger. with that I've had 45 yrs to come to terms with this and i can't apologize enough for dumping this on you like a shit storm, i hope in time you can forgive me. i know you will need time to digest things and I'm trying to give you all the time and space that you will need.

i found info on the web years ago but just joined a forum 2 months ago, there is support there for wives in there own section, but the web will not be one sided.
at the end of the day im a man, I'm staying a man, and like i said im private with this and never left the house at any time, many wives adopt a Don't Ask Don't Tell scenario with this,
with all my self i love you, your face with those little dimples, and your big heart.

i printed it out and gave it to her,

later she stated that ok heres what were doing, i don't want to see anything i don't want to know about anything, if our son is gay don't you dare give him any s**t
i still can't believe she didn't know, sometimes i found stuff left out and panicked about it....

DADT which for me at this point is fine, but still having to hide stuff will suck....

[Katie_Did GG]

If having to keep things out of sight is the worse you can find in this you are doing well. Give her time and help her by providing some information. Look at some of the stickies here and print out any that may help her understanding. Do NOT give her any book without reading it first yourself. Just because it seems a good choice doesn't mean it will be.

It's impossible to accept things when we don't understand them and have very little information. What looks like UN-acceptance could well be a real lack of knowledge and / or not enough time to process what we have learned.

Please do NOT think DADT means out of sight out of mind. This will be in her thoughts a lot. So much so she will have times she is over whelmed with them. Your job isn't to just take it underground thinking you have her blessings as long as she doesn't have to see it. Big mistake. IMHO Your job is to help her see it and you and learn to incorporate it into your lives somehow.

Don't basically put it and yourself back in the closet by leaving her in the dark. She's the one feeling alone now.

[mykell]

if i print out the stickies and give to her it kinda breaks her request, my fear is by not seeking the info, good or bad her thoughts may change and she sees it easier to quit altogether.

it kills me that i cant be there for her and shes right next to me, i dont want her to be all alone.

[Stephanie47]

Being in a DADT marriage is not the end of the world. Your wife has established boundaries that are acceptable to her. However, sometimes the boundaries are not clearly stated. Yes, she does not want to know anything about it. It's like the ostrich putting its head in the sand. You've been married long enough to read between the lines. Yes, you will have to conceal your wardrobe. You may have to grab crumbs of time to dress. Yes, you cannot freely express yourself. Yes, it may "suck" to not hang your dresses in the closet, etc. Throw your cross dressing in her face and you may not be in a DADT marriage.

[JustWendy]

Mikell - finding a place for your clothes where your wife won't have to see them is not the same as hiding them. Hiding implies a desire to not let her know you have these clothes. Finding a place for them implies an understanding of the enormity of what she is processing and a desire to do whatever is necessary on your part to give her the things she has expressed she needs to cope for now. You did the right thing in telling her, but the hard work has just begun. Good luck. I hope time and knowledge will ultimately smooth the road for both of you.

Wendy

[GiannaD]

Good luck Mikell; it takes incredible courage to do what you did...be there to support her and answer all her questions (which from reading your post, I know you'll do!)

[mykell]

Mikell - finding a place for your clothes where your wife won't have to see them is not the same as hiding them. Hiding implies a desire to not let her know you have these clothes. Finding a place for them implies an understanding of the enormity of what she is processing and a desire to do whatever is necessary on your part to give her the things she has expressed she needs to cope for now. You did the right thing in telling her, but the hard work has just begun. Good luck. I hope time and knowledge will ultimately smooth the road for both of you.
Wendy

ok i put most of my stuff and put together a suit case for mikell, no more box, cardboard is for recycling,
feels much better....

[Tracii G]

The son comment sounds like she thinks all CDers are gay.Then again I may have taken that wrong.
She is dealing with what she has learned or been told all her life about people like us that are different from the norm.
All you can do is be honest about how you feel about all this and how much she means to you.

[teri g]

You said that she has a good gaydar but what are her feelings towards gay people? The way I read between the lines is that she believes that you have little or no tolerance towards them so she feels that it would be hypocritical of you to have a negative response to your son's theoretical homosexuality.