So, you wear Panties..

[(Sara)]

I have been thinking these days about how us MtF's of all types think of ourselves. I want to speak candidly about it to open a platform on this, so don't take offence, none is intended.

I feel as if we think "Oh No!! I wear panties - everyone is going to hate me if they find out..." or "I'm too strange, I'm weird who could love a man in a dress!!". I started to think, well I'm guilty of thinking the same way also. Yes, those who are in long term relationships built of a foundation of almost truths with their SO, it will be strange and people are totally within their right to reject you for such deceit. But for everyone else, why are we afraid?

If you came out to everybody today, who would you lose? I thought about this and I came to my mind that, hell - nobody significant. Its like how coming out as gay would have been a few decades ago, people close to you don't care about the dresses they care about you (exception of untold wives, they ought to have always known). Only those people who have something against you would leave, and bon voyage to them if they want trouble. The difficulty is in accepting yourself.

So, you wear Panties - you want a medal? So, you wear a dress - big whop, wonna fight about it? Stop thinking you are special, it doesn't help, we are not special! We are normal people, like everyone else! If we treat it as some horrible secret, and hating ourselves for it, then dam no wonder people think crossdressing is bad. If you know it your heart you want to dress, do it - and don't hide it. Being in plain sight is a relief, being honest with people you care about is as cathartic as dressing. And you start to genuinely ask yourself why you do it, and that question that has haunted you while in the closet suddenly answers itself. If you can't accept yourself, maybe your friends will and then you do too.

For some specific situations sure, it is sensible to stay professional obviously and of course, sometimes I don't need how I dress to be under scrutiny (much like what religion I have). But this closet culture we have is damaging to everything we do, dress how you like. You are free and you are not stranger than the next guy, you aren't the only one in the world. Break out of your chains and live your life, we don't need to take ourselves so seriously!

[Kate Simmons]

It's one thing if we are single, quite another if we are in a relationship. Then it becomes about more than us and we have to consider the feelings of others.I personally never had a problem with it. I did talk to a professional counselor to figure out how to deal with the ones in my life who did have a problem with it.That is where the rubber really meets the road in connection with CDing.

[Beverley Sims]

Yes Sara,
I wear panties and dresses.
I'm a lumberjack and I'm Okay!

[(Sara)]

Kate, I feel it is only more than us when we are secretive, because you display a false imagine to everyone around you so they will be upset if you tell much later. But if we stopped hiding and I know too being in a relationship myself that's easier said than done., we are better off with openness and being unashamed of our complete selves. That accepting of self garners respect of friends and support if you aren't quite there yet.

[sometimes_miss]

So, you wear Panties - you want a medal? So, you wear a dress - big whop, wonna fight about it?

And yes, that is one of the things I want to avoid. Perhaps a 'boy named sue' enjoyed getting into a fight everywhere he went over sissy comments or being picked on, but I wouldn't, and I know if pushed, and I retaliated I'd probably kill someone and of course the whole world would blame the perverted crossdresser.


My own opinion, based on how I see my coworkers treat gay and transgender people in our workplace, is that things would occur behind my back that would affect my job. In the past I have come out to people, people who should really have been more accepting, but it became a 'not in my backyard' situation. They accept it, but don't want to deal with it in their own lives, and so I gradually got removed from that (missed invitations to social functions, etc., eventually no contact at all). While I understand the concept that they may not have been worth my friendship anyway, what I wound up with, was no one at all. That being unacceptable, I've decided simply not to share the part of my life that upsets people.

[Jenniferathome]

... Its like how coming out as gay would have been a few decades ago...

I think this is exactly correct. And just a few decades ago, outed men lost jobs, friends, families.... It is a big deal. now, I do believe your real friends will stand buy you. i would do that for any of my friends. But cross dressing is only a small part of my life. My friends don't have to deal with it. When you are gay, it is a BIG part of your life and noticeable (think dating). Cross dressings not that.

[JulianneXD]

So true but I'm scared to test that idea out.

[devida]

Thanks Sara; I think what you say is a general corrective but perhaps you are like me and don't experience the societal pressure that many CDs seem to feel. I haven't worked for anyone else for about 30 years or so and I just don't have the experience that most people have of the judgments of coworkers. My only coworker is my wife and partner who is tremendously supportive and accepting. I do know I stopped working for other people partly because I could not stand the social dynamics. I am lucky that I was so devoted to my art that I could and was willing to take the financial hit that working for myself as an artist entailed. But I do agree that the worst enemy that most CDs have is the inner critic that tells them that people will judge them harshly for being gender non-conforming, that they will be ostracized, gossiped about and perhaps insulted or humiliated. In general and out and about in public I don't really believe this is true, although, of course, it does depend on the environment in which you choose to dress. I think you might also be underestimating the 1) thrill of naughtiness and the thrill that comes from the possibility of discovery, 2) the genuine identity confusion that gender non-conformity entails, 3) the fact that cross dressing cuts across all social strata, levels of educational attainment, race, and sexual proclivity. It's not a defined section of society. How much do cross dressers have in common, apart from being gender non conforming in the way they dress? We don't know because despite their obvious and rather obvious existence throughout human history nobody really wants to study them (which tells you something about the power of gender norms). So while I really do wish that cross dressers would come out of the closet and stop beating themselves up for being gender nonconforming I'm a bit pessimistic of it happening in the immediate future. But again, thanks for the attempt! I am very much heartened by the youth of today, who in rather large numbers, don't seem to care very much about the way their peers define themselves by gender. Maybe things will change at a much faster pace? For my grandchildren's case, I hope so.

[Tina_gm]

I have two teenage sons. If I revealed to all, they would have to deal with a lot of negative consequences. Actually lose people, not many, but there too it would likely have some negative consequences. No doubt there would likely be some who would be on my wife to leave me. Friends of mine may not know how to deal with it and may become more distant. If I was young and single I may look at things differently, but there is more than just me to consider.

[Lorileah]

until here are protections in place for TG people for jobs, living conditions, rights to go where they want and the right to be with who they wish, it is a risk. But will we get the rights? It will take a lot longer than it did for gays because most TGs are able to hide away and pretend they aren't and live a "normal" life. Until they care for those around them and they stand up for the "right" to be out...it ain't gonna happen

[Daphne Renee]

i think saras point was if more people were just honest then society would just say thats the way it is. I do know about trying to hide things as well though. Most people dont want to be that first person who tries it.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sara I think I see what your saying and maybe how I'm going about it may fit what you are saying.
I've never been out in full fem but I have blended my wardrobe a lot. I have worn my cute ankle boots out in make mode many times now, I've put on a bit of makeup several times but not really to pass as a women. I've gone on my exercise walk in my girly shorts and tops. See I just want to wear clothes that make me feel comfortable, do I have to pass as a women do I have to blend or can I just be me and not worry what people say.
That is my struggle

[devida]

LeighR I do just what you do. I go out in public wearing mostly women's clothes (though not dresses quite yet - maybe I should get a kilt). I am sure most women know the clothes are not men's clothes. I also wear make up. I wear thigh high stockings and short shorts and women's blouses. I have yet to receive anything but compliments. The men in this town mostly really dress badly but if they pay any attention they look a bit relieved. I do believe that more people would be more accepting of cross dressing if more men wore women's clothes in public without trying to pass as women. There was once a time when women wearing trousers was as scandalous as men wearing dresses (and in some parts of the world women are still forbidden to wear pants). That changed because women just refused to back down. Men could do the same, and, actually, in the many cities they are.

[Majella St Gerard]

Sara, what is your CD'ing status, are you OUT, do you practice what you preach?

[Crissy65]

Wonder how many lumber Janes there are in those woods and yes you are very OK

[suzy1]

If you came out to everybody today, who would you lose?

The respect of my family and would also have to see the embarrassment on their faces.
Shunned by my neighbors.
Pointed at in the street by people that know me.
Loose all respect from most of the people in the sport I am involved with.

But apart from that everything would be dandy!

[(Sara)]

Suzy, do you really think that everyone around you is that backward. :O Surely people have moved on from pointing in the street, that must be horrible to have such intolerance surrounding you.

[suzy1]

I live in the real world and I know my bit of it. Simple as that Sara.

[Gigi9]

I have been working in the trades for years. I know the opinions of the guys who work with me. Some would accept some would not and never speak to me, my wife, my children again. I know what would happen from the conversations at work, the bar, coffee shop, etc. It would be like moving to a new city in a different state and starting over from scratch. (If I ever do move I might consider it but) I don't want to rip my family apart for my own feelings no matter how strong they are. I guess that I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK too Beverly (funny song) For me dressing was something that grew slowly and I built my life without considering it. I don't want to move yet.

[LaraPeterson]

Nice post Sara, except that you disqualified your otherwise strong stand with your qualifier in the last paragraph. You might not have anything to lose, maybe that's what makes you different. And I don't wear panties, I go commando.

[bomba]

your kids.......!

[daarleane]

Those are not excuses, those are reasons. But --if I win the big lottery? This was in reference to losing your job and not being able to support your family.

[DanielleLee]

Until any one of us, has walked a mile in another's shoes and KNOWS exactly what the repercussions would be for that person and would be willing to accept them for themselves... then no one here is qualified to tell each other what they should or should not do. It a personal choice to share or not share with the world at large.

As Suzy said... I live in the real world. In my bit of it.... there would humiliation for my wife and children. My CDing... is not their burden to bear.

[kelly0]

if its one thing i have learned so far from revealing my CD'ing to my wife and talking to our therapist (which we were going to before this little secret came out) is that..........there are more of us than we think. or at least i thought.

remember that. it helps me sometimes.

for what its worth girls

have a great day,
kelly

[Tanya+]

It is a good point, and well made Sara, i saw a guy striding confidently down the sidewalk in strait skirt, patterned pantyhose and 4"pumps, and plain black top, short hair and neatly trimmed facial hair. My thoughts were: damn, that's what i would wear, he looks so confident and why shouldn't he be? and i realised that there is very little reason why i couldn't do the same apart from being incredibly self-conscious and wanting to keep my life simple. I think there is a critical mass coming/here, with the increasing popularity of Cosplay, manscaping, marriage equality and a general appreciation of human diversity. Even though i don't have a strong desire to go public, i feel i should just for sheer solidarity. Great Post,

Tanya