Why do we desire to go out in public?

[Michelle13]

Hey everyone, I know there was a similar topic about going out in public made not too long ago, however this is a sub section of that and is specific to my girlfriend and I's debate tonight.

I casually mentioned going out dressed tonight, just for a drive (it was just past midnight with no one really out) and to my surprise my girlfriend was all for it! After getting into details on it though I soon realized that she missed the part of the conversation about my being dressed up in "girl mode", and once she heard that part again refused the whole scenario and then got upset with me and asked why do I always want to go outside? Her and I both want to keep my CD'ing private, she supports me and even buys me outfits without me even asking, however she's very private about it just like myself.

I understand her concerns with keeping it private, and we've only gone out once before with me CD'ing and it went off without a hitch. I don't want to just run outside and say "HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME I'M A CROSSDRESSER!" lol I want to plan things and do something that is 100% fool-proof, it's not like I desire to go and order food from where her best friend works and out myself. And I do pass as female nearly 100% the only thing left to perfect is my female voice though it's passable currently also.

I'm pretty confident that if someone who's only saw me in guy mode seen me in girl mode, they'd never recognize me anyway. I think my gf may forget how dramatic of a transformation it is since she's now seen me CD so often that she sees both the guy and girl elements in my appearance in either form.

So anyway, I didn't really have an answer for her as to why nearly all CD'ers have this desire and it kind of upset me that I couldn't answer her questions and sort of left her hanging and wondering. Is there a general reason why? Can anyone here explain this better than I can so I can show her?

Again, she's an amazing girlfriend and supports me always, and is even attracted to me as a girl, she just doesn't understand some aspects and frankly neither do I. lol

[Launa]

Why do you want to go into public? Hmmm, I do it because after years of being in the closet I've finally said to myself that the closet is boring, dull and plain old sucks. Why hide I said to myself?

Don't get me wrong I still hide somewhat but I do go out when I can and that's who I am, I also don't have the good fortune to pass.

[Adriana Moretti]

I cant speak for everyone....cause I think people have the desire for many different reasons. For me personally, it is about having fun,socializing and enjoying my fem self....and yes the closet is not a fun place ...especially alone.....dressing with others behind closed doors is fun ....but alone gets old real quick.....

[Rachel_B]

Michelle, I will say that you have an amazing girlfriend.

As far as your debate, I will say to each her own. I started out in private but graduated to public. I do it because I want to be treated like a female and accepted as one. When I go out dressed, I enjoy being called ma'am and I know I pass as a female as much as you can call milk that's a couple days expired good. It just feels good to go out and be acknowledged and addressed as the gender you are expressing. If happiness was a light, the light around a CD'er will get brighter and brighter each time she is referred to by any of the female pronouns, I know I do

[heatherdress]

Michelle - I understand both your desire to go out dressed and your girlfriend's obvious caution. The best reasons you can give to your girlfriend for wanting to go out in public fully dressed are your own personal reasons. Just be honest and speak from the heart. Crossdressing with an understanding and loving partner can promote deep intimacy - a sharing of feelings, understanding, love.

I think there are many things that drive each or us to want to dress in public - and they may vary depending upon our location, our mood, time of day, who we are with, etc. Maybe it's for excitement. Maybe validation or acceptance. Maybe it's sexual. Maybe we don't know for sure - but we know we want to be outside, with other people, dressed as a female.

Just be honest and open - and respectful of her concerns.

[Rachelakld]

I tend to go out in public for the same reasons GG go out in public (to relax, shop, exercise, see a movie, have a meal out etc).
I wear a skirt out, for the same reason as a GG - comfort, image etc.

[Eryn]

I'm pretty much the same as Rachel, I go out because I enjoy doing things. I seldom dress just to stay at home.

Most of the time I am accompanied by my wonderful wife, but sometimes I'm with friends or my daughter. The other day I went to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art with my daughter to see the Calder and Turrell exhibits and I simply had more fun seeing them as Eryn than I would have as my male self.

One of the major concerns my wife and I have is that of running into people that we know. We address this concern by designating the city where we live in as a "no-fly zone" where Eryn does not go. Outside of this area are plenty of places to go and we can both relax and enjoy ourselves. Honestly, we do a _lot_ more fun things with each other now than we did before I started to go out en femme!

Your wife's concerns are quite valid and I'm sure that she has your best interests in mind. Talk to her honestly about what you want and your own concerns. I'm sure that, with patience, you can arrive at a solution with which you are both comfortable.

[Ellie52]

This is my honest opinion and I hope I don't offend anyone.
Im confused! If it was just cross dressing (Wearing clothing of the opposite sex)why not just wear a skirt and blouse or a dress. Why do CD's who have no intention to become a woman want to wear breast forms, hip pads and a wig and parade outside. It is dishonest. If you are honest in your heart and really ONLY like the clothes then why must you have to wear all the bits to make you look like a woman. There are several websites dedicated to wearing skirts outside without all the other stuff. I can understand the feeling of wearing nice underwear and skirts etc. I even wear a wig at home as it completes the picture I have in my mind, but I have no intention of trying to fool other people into thinking I am a woman when Im not. In the safety of my home I can be relaxed as Ellie but I get bored with the whole thing after about 2 hours and return to male mode. I cant see the attraction of parading around the shops (which I hate in male or female mode) trying to fool other people into thinking I am a woman.
I have been out several times and found it initially enjoyable then progressively silly. Like going to a fancy dress party. It wasnt because people were laughing at me (I never once had an adverse reaction)or anything like that. I just couldnt see the point. So maybe all CD's arent the same and maybe Im a little weird in my viewpoint that going out is deception UNLESS you truly believe in your heart you are a woman, but then are you a cross dresser or TG or TS...Ellie

[Georgina]

Ellie, I agree with you although, I can wear the clothes all day without getting bored.

[Beverley Sims]

I think early on we wish to find out whether we can pass.

[jjjjohanne]

When I dress up, I do not modify my head. I present male. Therefore, for me, it is not about being female.

Going out started for me as a part of the "progression". Just as, when I first met my wife, holding hands was exciting, but lost its power later and then kissing was exciting.

It used to be:

1. Thinking about dresssing was exciting.
2. Then dressing was exciting.
3. Then dressing in certain ways was exciting (some color other than nude hose, or with a skirt).
4. Then taking a walk around the yard.
5. Then underdressing to work.
6. Eventually, hose with shorts in public.
7. Ultimately, all femme in public (androgynous).
8. Then all femme with a skirt/blouse or dress in public.
9. Doing something productive while dressed such as Christmas shopping.
10. Flying pretty.
11. Currently, going all dressed to events where I get to know people and I am not just shopping.
12. I feel like this is pointing toward getting a job or volunteering where I dress.

When I say "exciting", it has changed over the years. It used to be more connected to a sexual excitement. Now it seems to be much less sexual and more connected to anti-boredom/pro-achievement.

After going out a lot, I find that I am motivated toward it for other reasons. When I dress at home, it is for short amounts of time. I do the same things each time (browse the web, watch a movie with my wife, or work on our finances). These are things I do in my bedroom where the kids won't show up. Going out can be a thing I do on a day off for 8 hours. I also find that dressing at home can be poisonous. Boredom leads to bad or weird behavior. Getting out of the house dressed makes me act like I act when I am dressed male. It is more healthy, I think, than dressing at home in secret.

[Ellie52]

I think early on we wish to find out whether we can pass.

Bev - youve hit the nail on the head as usual, (for me anyway). It was a challenge I set myself and had to do to maintain my self seteem. Once done dont need to again. Like a test. The trouble with human nature is what you have is never enough. You always want more. Its like being a drug addict or alcoholic......Anyway Ellie still likes nice clothes but outside is not for her......Ellie

[Marcelle]

... Why do CD's who have no intention to become a woman want to wear breast forms, hip pads and a wig and parade outside. It is dishonest . . . I cant see the attraction of parading around the shops (which I hate in male or female mode) trying to fool other people into thinking I am a woman.
... So maybe all CD's arent the same and maybe Im a little weird in my viewpoint that going out is deception UNLESS you truly believe in your heart you are a woman, but then are you a cross dresser or TG or TS...Ellie

Hi Ellie,

Interesting point but one I cannot agree with. I don't feel I am being dishonest as everyone knows who I am when I interact (a guy in a dress) as I am not fooling anyone. I don't go about demanding a right to be addressed as a woman but if people choose to do so they are doing it on their own.

I dress complete not because I want to be a woman but to complete the illusion and just blend in the world when I am out "en femme" as it makes it easier. Just putting on a dress and walking around with a scruffy beard to be honest does not appeal to me as I like to be out presenting "en femme" even though I know and others do that I am a boy. I am still me "male" or "female" garb. Much the same way I am still me when I put on a military uniform, the outward appearance is just a shell.

Nonetheless, I respect your opinion and views as I have thought the same thing several times. However, I am at a place in my life where I am who I am and how I chose to dress, present is not a lie as I know I am not fooling anyone.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

I think early on we wish to find out whether we can pass.

Likewise, I think Bev has got there again, and always so concisely - and I also agree with Ellie's point about self-esteem.
However, one might still justifiably ask the question - Why..? Why do we (who have no apparent desire to live as a woman) want to find out whether we pass? Just academic interest..? Exhibitionism...? Rebellion...? I'm beginning to think there is more to it. I've certainly pondered the idea - and particularly reading of someone like Isha who is able to have a fairly active social life as Isha - that's an attractive thought for me... and perhaps that is related to what Adriana has said about the loneliness and the solitary nature of what this is for us sometimes. Maybe we just want to share this expression of our femme side to the world..?
Needs more thought and a good slug of cabernet to ponder on this
Katey x

[AnnieMac]

Let me toss this into the discussion mix here about whether we do it because we like just the clothes, or we do it because we like feeling female, and being accepted as being female; You don't see a whole lot of CD's here dressing in maternity clothes as pregnant? Can't get much Girlier than, or wanting to be more female that? Anyone doing that?

[Jenniferathome]

...If it was just cross dressing (Wearing clothing of the opposite sex)why not just wear a skirt and blouse or a dress. Why do CD's who have no intention to become a woman want to wear breast forms, hip pads and a wig and parade outside. It is dishonest.....

Good call Ellie. Absolutely it is more than just wearing clothes. When I am out, it is a validation of myself. No way to hide in shame when you are out,

.... I don't want to just run outside and say "HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME I'M A CROSSDRESSER!" ...

And Michelle, this is exactly what you are doing, except without the screaming.

[Lynn Marie]

For me, I have no interest at all of going out alone in public. I have lots of CD girlfriends from meeting others while out at clubs and support groups. I love going out with others of my ilk. We talk, we drink a little, we eat, we dance, and we flirt with everyone in sight. We make friends, we present well, and we love and care about one another. Without my CD girlfriends I'd be building model airplanes.

[DanaInME]

Our reasons for going out are as varied and diverse as our reasons for dressing. Let me stay on topic and answer from my own experience: I like the attention. As I do not "pass" or even try to pass with my feminine expression, I get a lot of it. I identify as GenderQueer and for me that means combining styles into an expression that makes most people questioning and uncomfortable. I do make an effort to choose appropriate venues and not make people have to explain me to their children, but, I seek to provoke thought and discussion. And in all candor, it is an expression of my sexuality (sapio-pansexual) and it can be arousing.
Blessings to all.

[Tracii G]

I don't get how you consider going out enfemme is trying to fool anyone.
You will get clocked by some and others won't know or care that you aren't a female so a 50/50 chance at best.
If you don't want to stay inside of your home enfemme then don't,get out and do as you wish go anywhere you want.
To bash people that want to have the experience Elle just because you don't isn't fair to that person.

[Ellie52]

Tracii - I understand what your saying but it was only my honest opinion. Just look at how many threads on this site are about crossdressers trying to attract mens attention. The ones that I find dishonorable are the CDs who are married then get dressed up looking for guys then go back to their wives as if nothing has happened.. This is very disrespectful and dangerous. How would you feel if you werent a CD but complimented a 'lady' on her appearance only to find out its a guy. No wonder we get bad press, and people get beaten up.
I know many of the members on this site thoroughly enjoy trying to pass as female to the general public, what I dont understand is why? What is it that you expect to gain from this practice? Again, Im not bagging the people who want to do it, but I just want to understand the reasons behind it. I can understand the clothes as I love these myself, its just the extras (wigs, breast forms etc in public) I dont understand. Please help me understand....Elie
If I have offended anyone I apologize and please put it down to ignorance. But I would love to find out what the appeal of dressing up for the general public is.....Ellie

[Katey888]

To continue Ellie's extension of the question: why breast forms, wigs, etc. - I can't answer with respect to actually going out, as I don't. But if I did (and that feeling comes and goes), I couldn't go out with guy hair, guy chest, guy watch, guy sunglasses, and so on. I would (I believe) want to complete the picture as much as possible in order to look as convincing as possible. While on one level you might see that as trying to fool people, I don't think my voice would pass and like others here, I'd probably just adopt the approach of: I like looking like this, but underneath I'm a guy. Aren't a wig and forms really just a part of the exterior, and help to complete that picture in the same way as a hairband, jewellery, a handbag and so on? To steal a phrase from other worthy contributors here, isn't it more about blending with everyone else rather than standing out via some obvious omission?
Katey x

[NickiStoner]

Last year my two girlfriends who are girls, got me all dressed up, and we got on the train and went to SF. I'm not a skinny guy, but i'm not fat, but somehow I have D-cup breasts that look phenomenal. Anyways, I had my breasts out in this little cocktail dress with heels and sunglasses and a long auburn wig, and as we were sitting on the train, this group of guys boarded and sat right next to us. My friend is a little promiscuous so she started up a convo with one of the guys, and that led to the other guys talking to us. We got off at the same stop and the guy I was talking to grabbed my butt so in the manliest voice I could, I said "Back Off". His face was too funny.

I think the reason we desire to go outside, or at least my reason for wanting to go out is validation of my femininity.

My first recollection of going outside as a girl was when I was 8 or 9 and my cousin dressed me up and sent me to the park across the street to play. No one knew I was a boy. I remember sitting on the stairs of the playground with these two boys who kept telling me that my legs looked sexy in my heels and that my outfit looked pretty. For some reason, what they said to me made me feel, a away I can't even explain, a way I can only feel when i'm dressed as a woman. Maybe because as a guy I don't get many compliments, yet as a woman I get tons? I don't know.

[Ashlynn Marie]

I had one word in kind before reading your post then you had it in yours.

Validation. If we go out and strike up convo with people and get no dirty looks we have been validated.

It's a great thing. A little nerve racking until you get the courage to do it.

I always see posts about needing a feminine voice and the rest to pass. Today there are so many women with lower voices (not always so feminine) that are born that way and it is accepted because that is who they are. Therfore if we just change our timbre a little we should pass easily without a problem. There are many ladies out there as well who are not supermodels and that is who they are. We don't have to be a supermodel, just passable which is easy to do as we'll in most cases.

Enjoy it and go out and have some fun.

Ashlynn

[AKADonna]

Ellie, I completely agree with you! I have the strong feminine urges to dress as we all do, but I don't see anything to be gained by going out in public to either try to get away with something or to validate my sexuality. I am male and plan to remain that way; I just enjoy dressing female at times. I do go to a makeover/transformation specialist and when I'm with her, I let go completely and try to be fully femme (although, even with her professional makeover, it's really hard to get a 6'2, 250 lb guy with size 15 feet to really pass!). I really enjoy those sessions and the frank and open 'girl talk' that unsues. I have had the discussion with my wife of 30 years and I told her that I am content with dressing femme at home and at these makeover sessions, but not going out publicly dressed en femme. That is the setup that we are both content with at this time and that way, there is no risk of there being pictures, etc that would make their way on to Facebook or the internet - which would be embarrassing and problematic with kids and especially grandkids. For me, its about balance. I have the best of both worlds - my marriage, family and friend relationships while maintaining my CDing in private. As with everything else in life (money, sex, personal relationships, etc) there are some things that are just private. My CDing is private and I prefer to keep it that way! It's about what works for you!

[Chickhe]

It is to not be locked up behind closed doors. It is to feel free. To do normal things and to validate yourself. The real question should be, why not?