Intermittent desire to come out as CD/TG anyone?

[Samantha_Smile]

So, for those who don't know my situation. I'm married, soon to be making babies. Wife knows about Samantha and accepts to the point she will buy clothes I ask for (even some that I dont ) and makeup etc, but she does not encourage me to dress. It's not DADT, but nor am I able to dress whenever I wish. I have one female friend who knows about Samantha also. My wife has also shared my secret with two of her friends (with my permission) in order to have someone else to talk to about it. All good stuff.

But every now and then I get to thinking... Why do I keep this a secret? This has come around in my head a few times now.
For whos benefit am I keeping Sam in the closet?
My own? Well, maybe - fear of ridicule, redundancy, rejection, or worse are certainly factors.
My wife's? Again, maybe. After all she's the one who will have to be with me through any backlash that resulted from my coming out.
My future children's? Thats a stronger maybe. Kids are vicious to each other, they would be easy pickings for bullies at school if word ever hit the playground.
All these are concerns, and yet I still dress and post my pictures all over the internet. I still talk to other TG people on my personal skype.

But then there are the benefits to be taken from it. I could relax a bit more and not worry about removing EVERY trace of makeup and perfume.
I could dress more in daylight hours and answer the door to random calls (couriers and friends passing by) without stressing about what the outcome will be if I did answer it and my neighbours saw.
It would certainly let me in on who my real friends are, and which ones are bigots that I would probably be better off without (although I like to think none of my friends are like that).
I wouldn't have to lie about why I shave my chest and underarms. I might even be able to shave my legs!
There would be more benefits than I can think of infact.


But then I think it over some more and talk myself out of it.
Why do I cycle through this? It's stupid!

Anyone else have this going on?

[Dana44]

The secret is good with your wife and possible close friends. But my family found out in a divorce and well it did not go well. Now I am far away, however, even my SO's close friend does not know. It's best not to let it out for various reasons.

[Anne K]

I was just talking with my fiance about coming out to my sister. Having grown up with three boys, I honestly believe she would really like the idea of having a "sister". My finance reminded me that my nephew had once warned me that his mother could not keep a secret. She's the type that will tell the secret to a girlfriend "in confidence" and we all know where that goes.......Still. I think should do it. y sister has always felt like a family outsider. My confidence in her might be good for her.

[Jenniferathome]

Sam, let's say you re out to everyone. First, would your wife like that? Secondly, would it change your situation at home? In other words, would you actually be able to dress at will or would your wife still not like that?

Certainly being out to any and all saves the possible embarrassment of discovery, but who is going to discover you if you are not dressing at home?

[MNwild10]

I think for me anyways it's more for my wife. We are both good with it and many of our friends know and accept. But we don't really have a desire for families to pry into our business.

-shelby

[Michelle Girl]

But then I think it over some more and talk myself out of it.
Why do I cycle through this? It's stupid!

Anyone else have this going on?

Hi Samantha,

You ask why you go through this thought process then talk yourself out of it. I can only surmise that it is because you have weighed up all the benefits and disadvantages and concluded that, on balance, it is best not to come out.

You have clearly laid out above all the risks - personal, for you wife, career, future family, and others - and it is clear that you have considered all of these carefully. The desire to dress and to be yourself and to end the concealment is also clear and it is this conflict that you are grappling with. You are not alone. Many of us confront these. I certainly do.

My only advice would be to reevaluate them again at some later point but don't let them get you down or eat away at you.

Love, Michelle

[Robin414]

Interesting post, IMHO it comes down to how far down the rabbit hole you are and remembering "you can't un-ring a bell" - Blue Orchid

If your TG and you know it and your boobs are gonna show it I'd say you pretty much have to come out to stay sane but if it's a case of pink fog and it might blow over, probably best keeping the secret close...I'm somewhere in the middle of that myself and I'm out to family and a number of 'regular interactions' but that's where I draw the line. I'm still kinda new though only being about 18 months into the fog 😐

[Eryn]

A secret once told cannot be untold.

My philosophy is that I have only told people where either I or they would benefit from the telling. I told my daughters because then I wouldn't have to sneak in and out of my own house. I told some friends and colleagues because a lot of the fun activities we do are with me in female mode and now they can share them with us. In those cases, it's a win-win.

As I move toward being full time everyone will have to know. I hope by then that I'll have sufficient good friends in the know so that anyone who is not in that circle who tries to start a whispering campaign will run into people who will say "Of course I knew, what's your problem with it?"

[Pat]

If it's important, one of these days you'll lose the argument. You'll know when you need to come further out. Only you can make the call. Don't sweat it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Be as gentle and forgiving with yourself as you'd like others to be with you.

[Suzanne F]

I think this is a wonderful question! For those who occasionally cross dress I understand not coming out. I love it when crossdressers are out because I think it helps when more people know someone in our community. It helps us all. For me I was driven to tell once I admitted to myself who I was. That was a process because I first believed or rather hoped that Crossdressing was enough. It wasn't. I am a woman and always knew deep inside. So, it had to be done and I have faced the world. Yes it has been scary but the freedom is priceless. Yes I lost some people but I gained myself! I have been blessed with a supportive wife and children but that was never guaranteed. How could I know that until we all faced it together. If you have legitimate thoughts of the care of other people and wish to avoid their harm I understand. However , if you are avoiding being you out of fear I disagree. How can we expect others to treat us with respect if we can't do that for ourselves!
Suzanne

[Tommie.]

The reason for continuous review may be in terms of looking at balance scale.... and seeing the negatives, although far less in number on one side, vastly outweigh the many smaller benefits on the other... which causes the need to look for and add in more benefits... and the cycle repeats. The test for me is 'does it or can it hurt someone...' that's the compass I use to go forward. Maybe too simplistic but it's a way of navigating the pink fog.....

[Samantha_Smile]

Sam, let's say you re out to everyone. First, would your wife like that? Secondly, would it change your situation at home? In other words, would you actually be able to dress at will or would your wife still not like that?

Certainly being out to any and all saves the possible embarrassment of discovery, but who is going to discover you if you are not dressing at home?

I should probably elaborate a bit.
When I say I can't dress whenever I want, I mean I can't come home from work every day and get into my girl stuff.
I do dress quite frequently, only at home for now but me and the wife have plans to go out to a TG place one night soon.

This is not for the sake of dressing at will, more for the sake of anxiety management.

[Mayo]

My own? Well, maybe - fear of ridicule, redundancy, rejection, or worse are certainly factors.

This is my reason.

As someone who tries to be trans-positive I wish we lived in a society where we could present however we liked. My own issue isn't so much being personally embarassed about being under the so-called 'TG umbrella' as a social shame about being judged for it. This is something I seriously need to work on.

[Krisi]

In your post, there's one glaring omission; What about your career or job? What effect would being a known crossdresser have on your job or chances of promotion? Will people think the same of you? If you are in a supervisory position or want to be in one, will people still respect you?

This is really important because your career affects not only you, but your wife and children.

And as someone else pointed out, you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube or unring the bell. Once you're out, you're out. You can't go back into the closet.

[Samantha_Smile]

In your post, there's one glaring omission; What about your career or job? What effect would being a known crossdresser have on your job or chances of promotion? Will people think the same of you? If you are in a supervisory position or want to be in one, will people still respect you?

This is really important because your career affects not only you, but your wife and children.

And as someone else pointed out, you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube or unring the bell. Once you're out, you're out. You can't go back into the closet.

That wasnt omited
Re-read the OP, I mention redundancy.
I work in the NHS, theyre very pro-LGBT.
They celebrate national Trans day, pride weekend (even flying the rainbow flag at the front of the hospital).
Despite all this, it's still a concern.

[Teresa]

Samantha,
It will all happen eventually, you know why you're holding back at the moment at your age, you feel you may have more to lose. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking your can live other member's lives , do what you feel is right at the moment and not worry about what others are doing , many have pushed too far and lost everything !

[Samantha_Smile]

I get where you're coming from, but honestly, I don't compare myself to others.
I guess my motives are placed in pure idealism where I might create a world that is accepting of us (have your cake and eat it deal).
But I guess that's just what idealism is - ideal.

However rarely achievable.

Maybe the fog has rolled in and I haven't noticed. even if it hasn't I still get these thoughts.

[Tina_gm]

Samantha, there are times where I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. Times when I think to myself, if they (anyone) don't like it they can kiss my rear end. Then I think of how it would disrupt, perhaps not ruin but definitely disrupt a fairly decent life I have overall. I know there are some in my inner circle who would be ok with it. Some that definitely wouldn't. My mother wouldn't, she doesn't believe in transgender. She is fine with gay people, but just does not believe anyone is truly trans. Another who made a trip to SF, and came back saying to about all those gay freaks and trans freaks, fine whatever, let them do their thing, but keep it the hell out of my face. Lastly, while I reside in the northeast... and not hard core rural, more suburbish, this area is not kind to variant anything. Most of the rest of the world may be moving toward more acceptance, but where I live right now is moving hard and fast in the opposite direction. Why, I don't know, but it is.

A lot of my life would be changed. My marriage too of course, I doubt it would survive me being open about it. It is having a difficult time as it is with her just knowing, and not being involved or seeing it. So, for those reasons, I stay in the closet.

[Liz57]

I feel for ya. I just found this forum this past week and I am in a pink fog for sure. Reading all of these posts, hearing both points of view, being exposed to all of these new thoughts is kind of overwhelming. Especially after finding all of the stuff available for cds to wear. Right now I'd be happy to be in your position of my spouse being aware and buying me clothes.

I'm considerably older than you and I say take your time, you'll survive keeping things the way they are and making sure of your decision. Most of us have been hiding this for years and aren't happy that we have to but....

Unless you're so unhappy living as a man that you're just plain miserable all the time and almost any risk is worth the reward you need to take your time. It will pass faster you think. It's been my experience that the husband, father ends up sacrificing more for his loved ones than most realize. Probably not what you wanted to hear. I'm sure wives and mothers feel their sacrifices aren't noticed either. Take you time!

I too would love to get all dolled up and become a woman if only for awhile but alas I don't see that happening. There are plenty of girls here that can and do so there's the possibility, just be patient and be sure of what you're doing.

[Camille15]

Plenty of times. How I wish I had a GG friend who I could come out safely to so we could go shopping together and discuss girly stuff. My wife knows, and supports me, but I don't want to overwhelm her with it. Plus she's not a very girly girl so some topics (like makeup) wouldn't come up anyway.

[Rhonda Jean]

Coming out to anyone is tantamount to coming out to everyone. You can't expect anybody to keep a secret forever, and this really is a small world. It's a bad idea. The way I handled it is far from perfect, but it seemed to work pretty well. I simply had a city a couple of hours away where I went about once a month where I had only a female identity. A number of people "knew" me there, which satisfied that urge to be out. Besides that, there are a lot of things you can do to edge you nearer to being out. The problem is determining exactly where to stop. If your wife would be at all OK with you coming out, she'd probably have no problem with you growing your hair and nails, getting your ears pierced, and other little things to satisfy the urge but not entirely come out. Whether you do that or not, my advice is to not come out where you live. The potential damages cannot be foreseen.

[Sallee]

great question I have asked myself that many times. I like to say I am in the closet but the door is open for anyone to look. Now i am not out to very many people but it would be nice to be totally honest about it and I really don't think it would cause problems as long as I keep my dressing under control. Most of us know it is easy to let it be all consuming, so in one way I like the closet. It keeps cding under control. I do think my wife who knows would be a little more pissed if I dressed alot and let all the neighbors know. I also think that after all the neighbors knew it would not be a big deal. I do have a neighbor with an F2M son. No one cares.
YOur points are well made about making sure all traces of our transformation is fully removed, random door knocks and leaving and returning home.
I guess I agree with your last statement especially when it comers to CDing "its Stupid" but it sure is fun and harmless so who should care Good luck don't over think it and have fun

[sometimes_miss]

It would certainly let me in on who my real friends are, and which ones are bigots that I would probably be better off without (although I like to think none of my friends are like that).

^this was one of the big issues for me; I discovered the NIMBY phenomenon in several of my friends and co-workers. Fine with TG folks in the world, neighborhood even. But not as a friend or someone they prefer to have involved in their life. I've never seen any of them behave in anything less than cordial manner to anyone, and even go out of their way to help some who are LBTG just as they would for anyone else. But they are just uncomfortable around us. So, the part of me who doesn't like making people feel uncomfortable just avoids the conflict. Perhaps things would be better if I came out to them, perhaps not. I simply don't want to lose the few friends that I have at this stage of life.

[Someone777]

I treat all secrets the same. I'm not going to go out of my way to hide them but I'm not going to publicize them either. The only lie I allow myself to feel comfortable with is the lie of omission.

To put it another way, my secrets are only secret so long as no one specifically asks. It's intriguingly rare for someone to specifically ask about a secret I haven't openly shared.

This approach allows me to keep my secrets and not stress over whether someone will find out or not because I'm already prepared and accepting of the time when my secrets will be revealed. It also allows me to set aside most of the guilt I would normally feel for keeping a secret in the first place. I was originally one of those people who didn't keep secrets at all.

More often then not, I keep my secrets a secret for the sake of those around me. This means, the person revealing one of my secrets is usually the one who would be hurt by it the most. Don't go digging for land mines in a field clearly labelled for landmines and you're not likely to find any.

On the subject of crossdressing specifically, I'd say to just don't do it when/where you know it is going to cause trouble. There's a fine line between being caught because you were sloppy and being caught because someone stuck their nose where they shouldn't have. If you're caught because you were sloppy, that's on you. If you're caught because someone was being nosy, that's on them.

When the time comes that people find out anyways, be ready for it and put it on them to deal with it appropriately. I'm not going to say it's going to be a great day but you don't need to make it any worse than it has to be. As ugly as this sounds, "deal with appropriately" doesn't mean they have to accept it. It just means not acting like a bigot. Everyone has something that they're just not equipped to deal with and a friend/relative crossdressing isn't something everyone is going to be prepared for. Give the person time to deal with it on their own and they might accept it or that will be the point where you part ways. Parting ways more or less amicably is still a lot better than having it turn into something you'd see on Jerry Springer.

Keep in mind, I'm not talking about people who are fully committed to a new identity. If that's you, well, there's really no "secret" left to hide. When you cross that particular threshold, you're talking about an entirely different topic.

As for the OPs specific concerns, I'd say you already know what you should do and to not torture yourself over something that's not going to happen. This isn't a do what you want, when you want and where you want world. In this world, most things have a time and place that is appropriate. It sounds like you already have a reasonably clear idea of the consequences you'd face if you decided to take your secret completely public. Don't make the mistake of using magical thinking to convince yourself of something you logically know will never happen. You're likely never going to have all that you desire, it'd be fairly boring if you did. Like the rest of us, you just have to learn to accept the life you have and try not to get too greedy.

I don't mean to sound preachy but it doesn't hurt to learn to be thankful for the things you do have because it can always be worse, much worse. Enjoying your life and hating your life often comes down to your perspective. There are people who have nothing and love life and people with everything that hate life. Don't feel bad if you have trouble with that, most of us do. It's really easy to get caught up in the things we don't have. Instead, choose to be happy for the things you have.

_{Ugh, did I really just choose this as my first forum post. I should really find something better to do with my sleepless nights.}

[Secret Drawer]

That was a pretty great post Someone777.
As far as the OP, children are really tolerent now-a-days, and are even taught about these issues in the classroom. By the time your kids would be at the age of being picked on or bullied, the bullies will be in the minority. None the less it is easy to understand those concerns.
With age some of us will follow the quieter path of holding on to a secret, while others will give up the fight and let the chips fall where they may. Again, I like the wisdom of Someone777 on this. Good luck, most of us fluxuate in this way. (The anxiety thing goes way beyond "pink fog," and it may be the biggest factor for some of us, including myself.)