Divorce

[PaulaQ]

I've been a member of this forum for almost a year now - I think I am a week shy of a year, in fact.

It's been an eventful year. I've gone from thinking "I'm just some kind of a CD", to realizing "Oh crap, I'm a woman", to coming out to my wife, getting thrown out of my home by her, and then starting my transition.

It's a pretty common story - I'm trans, my marriage ends. Happens to lots of girls I know.

So it's time to finally finish things off legally. For the past few months we've been living apart. I've paid all her bills, and done my best to make sure she's OK. I've been rewarded for this basically with abuse - drunken phone calls looking for emotional support, angry texts faulting me for literally *anything* that goes wrong in her life. (For example, she's complained that it's my fault her car got stuck in a ditch, even though I was 200 miles away at the time.)

It's time to end this. It's sad that 17 years of marriage has come to this. But it has - we're over. There's no hope we'll reconcile - there really hasn't been for a couple of months before she kicked me out. She'll never remotely accept me.

I've started threads on my coming out to my wife, our marriage problems caused by "the trans", and our separation. So it seemed appropriate to talk at least a little bit about the final end to my marriage in a thread.

As things happen, I'll update the thread. I'm hoping for a fair and just settlement with my wife that meets both our needs, and allows both of us to move forward with our lives, and to recover from this horrible past year. I'd like to avoid a trial, and lengthy and costly legal proceedings - these benefit no one but the lawyers, after all, generally speaking.

Maybe this will be interesting to some, maybe not. But at least a number of my threads together give a pretty good idea of what it's like to come out as transgendered to a totally unaccepting spouse. It's not a very pretty story, but it's my story. I've tried to be as truthful as I possibly can in the other threads, and I'll do the same in this one.

[Rachelakld]

We hear some funny laws over there, like when a man marries a woman, he has to pay her upkeep for the rest of her life, like she can't look after herself.
And then you have all that "who is at fault must pay more" - like why?

[Anita S]

I'm not a very active member so I haven't come across your previous posts

I just have to say that I feel for you, it must be hard to be so rejected by someone you've loved for so many years.

I find it admirable that you still pay her bills, despite her abuse, I don't think I would've

And thank you for sharing, I hope you at least find some support in telling us and in our feedback

I wish you all the best
Anita

[Angela Campbell]

It is better to do as you are doing with her Paula. Kindness and generosity may seem out of place during a divorce, but years down the road will you feel like you did the right thing?

I went through a rather ugly divorce years ago but I am not ashamed at the things I did.

[Katey888]

Dear Paula - my thoughts and feelings are with you.

I also went through a similar process some time ago - like you, I felt that the right thing to do was provide as much support as I could until a point where, legally and financially, I could no longer do so. You have to be true to yourself and your feelings - and I think you've always demonstrated that honesty here - that way you can feel good in some ways about something that is never going to be a pleasant experience. But to come through with a feeling of self-respect and rightness for you is important, imho.

And yes, avoid too much legal involvement at all costs - nobody other than the lawyers will benefit, you are dead right on that one!

I wish you the best of fortune with this process - may it go as smoothly as possible for you

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

It has been quite the year for you sweetie and I must say given the amount of angst in your life, you have weathered it well. I am glad to hear you are moving forward in a legal sense and hopefully the divorce will be amicable and the settlement just (as you say). I believe though this is a necessary step in you journey forward as Paula and perhaps once this is behind you, it will provide you with some modicum of calm and comfort as you can now concentrate on just being the woman you were meant to be.

Hugs

Isha

[Anna H]

I wish there were something useful or helpful i could
do or say, but i can let you know that i wish you the
Absolute Best. It always breaks my heart to see this
happen to one of us.

♥

[Aprilrain]

We hear some funny laws over there, like when a man marries a woman, he has to pay her upkeep for the rest of her life, like she can't look after herself.
And then you have all that "who is at fault must pay more" - like why?

As of 2010 all 50 states are no fault divorce states. Generally speaking marital assets are split 50/50 and the parent taking the kids the majority of the time will receive child support. This is usually based on a percentage of income. What is weird about that?

you should know your facts before commenting

[Erica Marie]

Hi Paula, from a divorced father of two, I wish you the best. Divorce is never fun but maybe in the long run some good will come out of it. Sounds as if you are fairly up beat and optimistic. I wish you the best in your journey.

[Beverley Sims]

Paula,
I can only wish for a good outcome for you.
It is sad when two people have to split and hopefully you both have better luck next time.

[alwayshave]

As of 2010 all 50 states are no fault divorce states. Generally speaking marital assets are split 50/50 and the parent taking the kids the majority of the time will receive child support. This is usually based on a percentage of income. What is weird about that?

you should know your facts before commenting

Aprilrain, You speak like someone who has never been divorced. In Massachusetts, when I was divorced, alimony was for life. Marital splits were 80/20 or 70/30 in favor of the woman depending on which county. If you were married three years, you would still have to pay the former misses alimony for the rest of your life. Child support goes to 23 even though no one is a child after the age of 18. Oh and Massachusetts child support guidelines are twice the national average. Meaning if you would pay $2000 a month in Virginia, you would pay $4000 in Massachusetts. Fortunately, because of the number of articles in the Wall Street Journal telling businesses not to move to Massachusetts because it could put their executives in financial danger the legislature changed the law on alimony. They did not get rid of it, but reduced the periods and the amounts. I'm sorry when a marriage is over, there should be no such thing as alimony. Reasonable child support and a 50/50 split would be OK, but that's not the reality

[Dana921]

alwayshave

I agree, In Colorado which has been a 50/50 state for the last 25 years or so. No Alimony allowed according to the law. The judges decided in favor of the woman, saying a maintenance payment plus child support was needed to several people I knew at the time. Even (in one case) when the woman was making as much as her husband. When entering a divorce type legal battle, I am not convinced the 50/50 applies as it sounds initially. A good number of friends have been forced to live on a greatly reduced income because the court did not side with them at all. Instructing payments that forced the guy into bankruptcy because of that decision. So working with your soon to be ex is probably more equitable and in the end after getting over the loss and hurt of the experience, the right thing for all concerned.

[Caden Lane]

Thank you Paula for sharing what many of us know to be a painful thing. By all accounts I've read thus far, I would venture to say that you've rebounded better than most. Having been divorced twice myself, I wish I could say I had been as successful. But best of luck and prayers for you as you venture forward.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, it's always so sad to hear a story like that I wish you all the best.
My wife who is a DA--DT but tolerates my dressing will celebrate our 50th anniversary tomorrow 02/01/2014.

[Vanessa Rose]

hmm.

Regarding divorce, i am not sorry when marriages end but more so when they needlessly stay together. I will let the injustices of marriage law alone. They are being challenged in some of the more conservative states because of the reasons stated

Paula, you are an amazing person, conflicted but compassionate and with incredible resolvee. I really want to say, congratulations for sticking by and for doing what YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT BY YOUR WIFE! It shows character beyond all, and for me from my view, the act of a gentle person beyond ridicule and rage.

You can't buy that shit in a store. Character to do what's right, no matter what and no matter who's looking is a blessing.

I hope Paula, that you come out in the end with some piece of mind.

I can't help but feel for your wife. She was totally lost, but people change. If you don't remain close and grow together and support one another these things will happen. They happen sometimes even if you are a model spouse.

Thanks for sharing. Listening to your posts gives me hope that a beautifully flawed person, like me has the juevos to stick by what they believe is right for their spouse.

That is character and principle and they are the only qualities in my book, that you can always read to find out what that person stands for.

Lastly, it is my wish, that when this be done, in three years time, after her hatred and scorn has largely vanished, that respect and friendship can rebuild. That is what I am hoping for. I want to tell you it ain't easy, and it ain't going to be easy for a while. But continue being you and acting properly dispite her acts and you will have done all you can to be true to the woman you married. Then it is on to your new life.

Vanny

[MatildaJ.]

Just want to join the chorus of people wishing you well as you enter this new stage of your journey.

[Aprilrain]

I don't want to hijack the thread but I am divorced and I have a divorce settlement with my ex, It is what WE agreed to, it was not court ordered and I was more generous than the courts would have been! The spousal support runs out in 4 years and then she's on her own, though I will continue paying child support until they are 18, of course. I didn't feel it was unreasonable at all, she had been a stay at home mom for the 7 years we were married and had no way of immediately going out and earning a living, should I have just told her tough luck, too bad for you? I have income that could not legally be considered "marital assets" so she would have gotten very little form a 50/50 split. I basically gave her all the marital assets so she could buy a house. I can't comment on the situations you folks described but I bet there was more going on there than meets the eye. The fact remains that all 50 states are no fault states and theoretically marital assets should be split 50/50 how individual judges decide what they decide is not for me to know.

Paula, good luck. Be generous, be fair but don't let yourself get screwed!

[deebra]

Paula, I've been divorced twice so let me give you some real good (experienced) advice (if you want it). Don't feel overly sorry for her and give her more than her fair share or you'll regret it later on. I can well understand and relate to your fourth paragraph, it's definitely a female thing and lastly your're 100% right about the lawyers, the longer they can stretch it out the more $ they make. If you don't know what having intercourse is like as a woman you just might be about to find out as has been said above, a man more so than not gets screwed in divorce court.

[Vanessa Rose]

Aprilrain,


What the facts are, and what reality is are often two different things. I can assure you, people have been and still are getting the short end of the stick in many states, regardless. How about custody? That is not equal! Not where I live. Unless the woman is a drug addled, prostitute, running a brothel in her children[s room and there are regular beatings and other skullduggery, the woman will get the kids. so. Argue, theory or whatever, money vs. having equal time with kids should be considered as a fair barometer to measure this. If local yes, but what about long distance? So much to consider and so many ways you need to have the best possible representation. I agree with that part for sure so you don't be altruistic but fair and expect to be treated fair in the end. That is all we can hope for.


Laws are changing theory has not caught up with practice per se... especially with parenting rights.... but in time that will change too. I am not mad about it, but it is concerning... I did everything in my power to do the best things... and in the end, we stood ground well. No one wins in a divorce, but If I were to want to have won, I would have approached this in an entirely different manner.


Vanny

[Stephanie47]

Paula, if you haven't gotten legal advice from an attorney in your state practicing domestic law get some. It makes no difference what the laws are in my state. Generally speaking the courts rather not get involved in the dissolution of a marriage when the spouses agreed to an amicable settlement. If children are involved it is the obligation of the court to protect their interests.

As to entities not a party to a dissolution it makes absolutely no matter what a dissolution degree says. If you are jointly liable for a loan, the lender is still going to go after both parties.

[Princess Grandpa]

I read your thread shortly after my bubble of denial burst. I was sad and inspired by your story. From your accounts you acted with more dignity and compassion than I would have thought possible. I certainly appreciate wanting to keep the legal battles to a minimum. I have to wonder based on what you have shared in the past, do you believe your ex will likely be reasonable and fair?

I am a firm believer in "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst". Retain the best lawyer you can find. Don't let your future be ham stringed because you expect others to act as honorably as you would. I'm not saying go in and throttle her, just make sure you don't get taken unaware when she comes at you with her high ticket attorney, that they will expect you to pay for as well.

Hug
Rita

P.s. I think about you frequently. HUG

[Tracii G]

Wish you all the best Paula.

[Emily83]

I'm sorry to hear your news Paula. All the best for the new adventure you are beginning. Enjoy it

[Lynn Marie]

I've been divorced for 6 years now. Washington is a "no fault" state. I got 47.5% and the ex got 52.5% of our entire estate. Also, because she hadn't worked for over 20 years, she got refresher training paid by me, and I had to continue to pay half the property taxes for the five years it took my ex to sell the house! Frustrating at the time, but very satisfying now.

AVOID DIVORCE LAWYERS! What a slimmy bunch of vultures. The absolute dregs of our society. I'm not bitter, just educated by the experience.

[docrobbysherry]

Paula, I'm so sorry! But, I've been there and done that. I'm not going to get started telling MY stories that would prove why I hate attorneys much more than u ever could. Now, I'm going to give u some good advice.

Get the best divorce attorney u can afford! In the long run, he/she will probably be a good investment.

Most women that I'm familiar with think that "fair and reasonable" means they get everything, plus alimony, and child support! There's nothing you've posted to mite make me think your soon to be ex wouldn't fall in that catagory!