Life's curveballs

[Billiejosehine]

After being out on my own for a week now, it seems that life has thrown another curveball into the mix. You see, for this past week I have been able to not stress in being myself and enjoy the freedom of being completely en femme when at home. I have been taking the steps and the ball rolling to begin my transition. This has brought on a sense of anticipation and excitement. My immediate family knows and I have begun telling certain people about myself. This has been liberating and I have been getting a lot of support thus far. Which helped me in feeling I am doing what is right. The only hang up I now have is that there are these three girls that all of sudden popped into my life.

One of the girls I met a year ago when I went to an out patient program for mental health issues in LA. We talked a lot and I knew she liked me and I had some feeling towards her. But I ended up coming back to my family to try and make things worked and I stopped talking to her. Recently she said she misses me, wishes I was down in LA, and that she wants to know me more.

The second girl I also met when we got hired for an at home business selling products. We did talk a lot and she knew about my possible divorce a year ago. I ended up stop talking to her when I left for LA. I ran into her the other day at the gas station of all places and first asked be if I was divorced, introduced me to her daughter that with her, said we should hangout, gave me her number, then hugged me good bye.

The third girl is a friend I dated in high school and have known her 20 years. I still to this day have feelings for her and I had a couple opportunities to get back together, but never made the move. At the current moment she is going through a similar divorce with a person who has been abusive to her and her children. She has children the same age as mine, she's the same age, lives about an hour away, and has been in the abusive relationship about the same amount of time I have been married. Since she found out that i am going through a divorce she has been talking to me a lot.

Even though I know that want to transition and feel more comfortable presenting as a women, I get doubts and I question myself if I'm making the right choice in transitioning. I don't know if I'm relying on false hope of being with somebody as a man. Am I still so emotional and these will just be rebound relationships and I'll just be back to struggling to be my true self. None of these girls know about me CD'ing and that I'm transitioning for that matter. I don't want to string them along, but I don't want to loose those relationships either and I'm stuck in being able to tell them for fear of rejection. But I know I need to bring up this subject.

[docrobbysherry]

I believe u know what u need to do, Billiejo? Judging from your last paragraph. Read it and do it! The women, friends, and family who really care about u will hang around. The others won't.

I'm no expert at this. But, I believe T girls that have completed their physical transformations would advise u to hold up until you're sure. I also suggest visiting an experienced gender counselor. Who may help u gain proper perspective.

[heatherdress]

Dear Billiejosephine - You seem to be all over the place in this thread and in your other active thread about saving your marriage which I just read. Do you have a wife or a girlfriend (sometimes you mention a wife, sometimes a SO)? Maybe you have a wife and a SO? Are you leaving a marriage or a relationship? Is your marriage issue CDing or transitioning? Does your wife (or SO) know about your transition thoughts? How do these three females that you don't want to ignore fit into your past marriage situation or current transition plans? Do you really want to save your marriage at all? How serious are you about transitioning?

Seems like you need a therapist and maybe a marriage counselor. We can offer suggestions and support on this site, but not the help you seem to need. Sorry if I missed something. I wish you happiness. Heather

[Billiejosehine]

I go through a lot of emotional ups and downs, byproduct of being bipolar. Since I have been on this forum, I'm realizing it's quite confusing were I stand in who I am and what I want, since I'm all over the place. I may just create new thread or something that sells out what it is I'm really going through and the thoughts that cross my mind. But to start here I have been married for 5 years and have two children. I refer to partner as either my wife or SO (I like abbreviations, less typing on my phone). Anyway, my whole life I struggled with gender dystopia, but tried to fight these feelings. There were other issues with the EX, but the reason why things came to an end was because she found clothing items, learned that I CD'ed, seen my legs shaven, my finger nails painted, and ice told her I wanted to be a women.

A while ago I have written that I wanted to save the relationship, but that is wishful thinking, and even if I stayed she would never accept who I am. I have been on my own for the past week and have had the freedom to be my true self Billie Jo. I am committed to transitioning as I have an HRT treatment plan in place and I'll begin once I give the endo the letter from my therapist. I have created a plan and timeline for where I would like to be along the way in my transition. I have cone out to a lot of people and I only talk about these three woman, because I like them, couple of them like me, and I'm going through the emotions. I actually just wrote a message to one of the girls about me being a TS.

I think I need to be more clear in my writings, so I don't confuse everyone here anymore.

[Vanessa Rose]

Billie,

What you need girl, is heavy therapy, counseling, with a psychiatrist and your personal doctor collaborating.

You could be clearer dear, but whatever you say needs a trained ear and response in my opinion.
Perhaps the confusion for some here is how can they possibly interpret and advise when obviously the world is spinning so fast for you. I, perhaps we or most all of us just feel helpless to advise or even discuss this because all the confusion you appear to have internally.

Can you see a therapist and or are you doing any intensive counseling and or treatment adjustment for your bipolar condition

Please do. Billie please take a moment and just inhale and exhale. Let us know what help you are getting.

Vanessa

[Billiejosehine]

How many of you seen the movie Gravity? If you haven't, I'm going to talk about the first few minutes of the movie, so I hope I don't ruin it for anyone.

So the film is set during a mission where Dr. Ryan Stone (Bullock) is a medical engineer on her first space shuttle mission aboard the Space Shuttle Explorer. She is accompanied by veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (Clooney), who is commanding his final expedition. During a spacewalk to service the Hubble Space Telescope, Mission Control in Houston warns the team about a Russian missile strike on a defunct satellite, which has caused a chain reaction forming a cloud of space debris. Mission Control orders that the mission be aborted. Shortly after, communications with Mission Control are lost, though the astronauts continue to transmit, hoping that the ground crew can still hear them.

High-speed debris strikes the Explorer and Hubble, and detaches Stone from the shuttle, leaving her tumbling through space. For I feel like Sandra Bullocks character tumbling in space. Because she's spinning around and she keeps breathing heavily trying to figure out where she is. I just need to take a deep breath and breath, I'm going no where if I keep spinning every which way. I have lots of support from family, some friends that I have told, I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, an endo, and my GP. And I'm taking meds to help keep the ups and downs as stable as possible, but in not the manic type and there's no way of truly getting rid of the ups and down. I will experience those no matter what and stress and highly emotional times do not help either.

In the long run im still going forward with transition, but I'm going to take it one step at a time. There's a lot of things to process and I appreciate all the advice and support I am getting here.

[Vanessa Rose]

Billie. That gives me great comfort. I hope it does too for you. You have so much ahead of you in all that your life can be. It does not need to happen tomorrow or the day after. It just needs time for you to take it all in and figure it all out.

"The truth will out" as the Brits would say and that is what will happen with your beautiful life if you just take a breath to let it all sort out

I wish you more than anything Billie.... Peace to just think and talk and talk and think with your therapy team

Life does sort itself out I believe and yours dear, will to but not this way. Time dear, time and talking

Vanny

[Helen Grandeis]

That's why a Real Life Experience is so critically important. It is meant as a voyage of discovery and not just a ticket to get punched on the way to HRT and often GRS. Good luck. With the three ladies, please be totally honest. this will give you the best chance of a relationship and honesty may scare one or more away and simplify your decisions. As nice as companionship is to our souls, maybe you should avoid serious relationships until the dust settles.

Be sure to bounce all these things off your mental health professional.

[Aprilrain]

Billie if you want to be an effective faker you need to keep your story straight. One minute you have a therapist the next you're still looking for one, which is it?

[kimdl93]

Billie, I've suggested before that you go back and read your OPs. I'd suggest everyone else do so as well. There is a pattern here that suggests to me that you are coping rather ineffectively with more than gender issues.

[Beverley Sims]

If you have doubts investigate further, it is not easy to go back, if at all.