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Thread: Walking off the cliff

  1. #1
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    Walking off the cliff

    I feel like I'm hovering over a huge chasm, waiting to fall...

    My wife and I have been seeing a couples counsellor. Yesterday, I finally admitted to myself, to my wife and to the counsellor that my crossdressing feelings have changed and that I have full-on gender dysphoria. I was very shaky and couldn't speak for a few minutes after that and my heart is still pounding, wondering where this is going to take me and us.

    Luckily my wife took this very calmly, even admitting that it explains a lot of things such as my moodiness and depression over the last few days. I'm going to arrange to see a gender counsellor to sort things out and see what these feelings really mean.

    Sorry if this is somewhat of a downer post, but I had to get this out. Keeping it inside has filled my head to the point of bursting.

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Hi

    All I can say is thread carefully Dawn. Please don't be in a rush and make life-altering decisions lightly. There have been times when I also experience intense feelings of wanting to be a woman permanently, only to have these moments pass later on. Then I'm happy to be just a cd'ing man again.

    At the moment I am in a happy place just doing the cd thing and I hope for all parties concerned that you could be in that place soon.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Dawn it is healthy to get things off your breast.

    You should choose your words wisely and remember things that you say and do will not be an instant cure or be solved overnight.
    You also have to realise that this may not be a practical path to go down but at least you have made a start.
    Like coming out, tread slowly and carefully.
    Try not to get too emotional.
    Last edited by Beverley Sims; 02-07-2014 at 01:51 AM. Reason: Typo!
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Hi again

    There's just one thing I'd like to add to what I said before:

    Anything in our lives that we give free reign to, has a tendency to rope us in more and more. Maybe the time has come to just step back a bit and try focus on something else in your life for a while, like a hobby etc.

    The way I know that I'm not a TS is that these feelings (wanting to be a woman) normally dissipate after I've been with my wife (you know ) so maybe try that (not just once).

    Now I've gone and disproved my theory that dressing is not (just) a sexual thing for me! Expecting a backlash from the wife...

  5. #5
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Dawn,

    You're doing the right thing and taking the right steps - these things will surely take time to bottom out completely - work through the process with your counsellor and your wife - skirt the chasm! At least through this process...

    Keep Calm & Carry On!

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  6. #6
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    It was good to get it out. My hope is that your wife is open to helping you deal with the changes in your needs. I think you may find the meaning behind your feelings fairly easily. The challenge will be finding a way to integrate them into your life. Take your time.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  7. #7
    Silver Member Jordan's Avatar
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    WOW to admit that is huge step in understanding yourself good luck

  8. #8
    GG, SO to Jenny Elwood Lidea's Avatar
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    Hi Dawn
    (I hope as a gg that I am allowed in this section...)
    May I agree with Jenny (my CD husband), that it may well just be a bend in the road, and not necessarily a fork in the path...
    We also went for counselling at a stage, and what I clearly saw, is that with the 'open minded' counsellor's questions, he actually sort of brought my husband to a place where he was more convinced about his 'gender dysphoria'.. Most of the questions and discussions were almost leading my husband into 'believing' that is actually what he is and where he would like (or would have to) go with this.

    He even made and appointment for my husband to go and see a dr in GID ...
    We decided that it would not be a good and wise thing, and since then, it became better and those feelings subsided....

    It is almost like if you have a bit of a flu coming, and someone else tells you about someone they know that had this terrible illness with fluelike symptoms.... and then they ask you... "don't you have this pain or that pain also sometimes,because this will be a definite sign of that terrible illness" and then all of a sudden, deep down, you start to wonder whether you didn't maybe have those pains also...

    Hope I've managed to say what I meant to say...

    Good luck and take a rethink.

  9. #9
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    The good news seems to be that your wife is being reasonable and considerate. You may be on to something, but only a skilled experienced gender therapist can help you figure out what you need. Gender dyshoria has many variations so see where this takes you. Be certain to see a specialist (I spent yrs and $$$$ going to untrained therapists). Good luck and take it a day at a time.

  10. #10
    GG, SO to Jenny Elwood Lidea's Avatar
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    O, and Jenny, hun.... what is it about a backlash... not sure I understand it?

  11. #11
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Dawn, I don't think your going to fall of the cliff. It seems like you found the information center and you have been given the correct advice on where to go next.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  12. #12
    Gone to live my life
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    Hi Dawn,

    I am sure that took a lot of courage to get out and I hope you have some cathartic release from that. I believe the right course of action is for you to go and see a gender identity therapist (there is a very good one in the city if you can get to see her). You may be having these feeling and they may be real (I had them myself) and the therapist helped me bring order to chaos. If and when you do go sweetie, be honest with your therapist and don't second guess what you think they want you to say. If they ask you a question go with your first thought (don't overthink) as this will allow them to work with you vice having to fight for clarity.

    Feel free to PM me.

    Hugs and good luck

    Isha

  13. #13
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    Dawn
    That took courage. Please don't feel alone. I too am struggling with those feelings with a supportive wife. However I do know that to go down the path much further would endanger my marriage. I am in therapy and am taking it slowly. I love my wife so much but am so afraid I will lose her because of this. Feel free to PM me any time. I hope the best for you!
    Hugs
    Suzanne

  14. #14
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Self awareness is a good thing

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Me again.

    I feel like I am swimming up the current here a bit. Or I am just the sole voice of reason, you decide.

    What I propose is a simple test:

    Maybe, like me you also profess that dressing is not a sexual thing and you do not do it for release, I don't know. What I do know is that it does build sexual tension (in me) over time and this clouds your thought process, making you believe that you are TG, even though your not.

    What you need to do is release that sexual tension. So grab the wife 2 or 3 times over 2 or 3 days and make some hay. If the TG feelings continue, you might be TG and I have no further advice for you. (Be honest with yourself though). If, like me, the TG feelings abate you know you are just a crossdresser. What you need to do now is work at keeping those TG feelings in check and there is only one way really...and the wife may come to enjoy that as well! Life is simple if you get back to basics.

    I don't know your full situation (I am new to the forum) all I can do is (like I tried to do) speak frankly from my own experience. If it doesn’t apply please disregard.

    All the best.

  16. #16
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    Thanks for all the replies, cautions and support.

    It's not a matter of sexual tension. Even a couple of hours after sex with my wife, I still feel "wrong" and want to CD. (She does not like CDing so we don't do it as part of our lovemaking.)

    I'm also not making any sudden decisions. This will take months of counseling and thinking. I do not want to throw away my marriage and I'm pretty sure I don't want anything as drastic as SRS. But I do feel the need to be true to myself in some way.

    Maybe after counseling and thinking I will step back from the cliff... or maybe not. I have to find out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lidea View Post
    May I agree with Jenny (my CD husband), that it may well just be a bend in the road, and not necessarily a fork in the path...
    I really hope you're right. I was wondering that myself... I basically did not CD for about 17 years and only about 8 months ago started up again and joined this forum. I'm thinking maybe the renewed CDing plus the discussions on this forum are making me over-feel what's inside. On the other hand, sometimes the feelings well up with such intensity that I have to believe they're real... I'm very confused.
    Last edited by DAVIDA; 02-07-2014 at 06:56 AM. Reason: Please use the edit button when there is no post since your last post.

  17. #17
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    Hi Dawn,

    Love making test with your wife aside, I truly believe gender identity therapy is the best course of action here to bring order to your thoughts, so I am glad to hear you are going in that direction.

    That is what they do best, if you have a medical problem you see a doctor if you are having emotional distress (which you appear to be having) you see a professional. Some may tell you that you don't need it, they are only a sounding board, they provide no answers. I can tell you from experience (both in therapy and as a counsellor) this is not true.

    Hugs

    Isha

  18. #18
    Member LenGray's Avatar
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    I don't know if I can help any since I enjoy cross dressing but have never felt that I should completely male however I'll add my two cents.

    Going through everything that it takes to make the transition takes quite a while, usually years from what I understand. I feel that having a gender counselor is a wonderful step, regardless of what you decide. Remember to keep your feet on the ground and to include your wife in this decision-making process.

    If you do decide to make that decision, relax. It'll turn out okay. There's a reason that you're feeling this now and embracing that feeling will bring you peace One thing that you might try is to see how far you can go with cross dressing. If you wear flats, try heels. If you wear a wig, try decorating your natural hair. If you don't usually go out in public, try doing so. Find out what works for you and what you really want, both in counseling and outside of it.

    Most of all, remember that the cliff is in your mind. Your mind obeys you, not you it. If you are afraid of falling, why not try flying instead?

  19. #19
    heaven sent celeste26's Avatar
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    A couple of sessions in electrolysis might settle the issue. If your ideas of being TS remain after an hour or two of electro they are probably there to stay. If you want to get up and never come back you can be sure it is only CD.
    Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain

  20. #20
    Silver Member Annaliese's Avatar
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    It is better to talk it out with other, than to keep it in, you made the right move with counselor and your wife. There is all ways a ear to bend here someone who will listen. Good Luck Dawn, hugs

  21. #21
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    Hmmm


    Interesting thoughts by all. A lot of sound advice as well. Just a thought... Regardless of the amount of support, one may feel trapped or inclined to go further unless they explore their feelings further ... ie seeing a therapist.


    I get trapped in my own mind, not by my SO. I have asked to go to counseling to explore my gender questions. the response was go ahead... then I did not feel so trapped in exploring and understanding my feelings. I never went, and may never go to therapy regarding GD... but that may be, because I am comfortable being able to explore that side, because there is an open door to do so and my SO would attend with me.


    I hope that makes sense.


    Lastly, if you have only been depressed over the last few days, I would not say that this means it is related to anything.. could be that you are human and have a lot on your mind... but I would think that if this was over months or years, that perhaps this ties in more strongly.


    Only you know what is right for you.. but I thought I would add these thoughts, my thoughts and my feelings on this matter because this issue is very close to my heart.


    Hoping you get some resolution to all this... just go slow and try to understand things over time than to rush into any major change...


    Vanny

  22. #22
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dawn03 View Post
    I feel like I'm hovering over a huge chasm, waiting to fall...
    Hello Dawn,
    It appears that you are reaching out for help via your skilled counselor, your loving wife, and the experience of this forum. I agree with others that these are very wise things to do.

    The huge chasm looks scary but through all their combined advice and your own wisdom you will certainly locate the stairway. Take it one step at a time and see where it leads. Whatever you do, please don't fall. All manner of bad things happen when you hit the bottom.

    Best wishes
    MsVal

  23. #23
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lidea View Post
    Hi Dawn
    (I hope as a gg that I am allowed in this section...)
    Everyone is allowed in this section and GG's are welcomed most
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by dawn03 View Post
    I'm thinking maybe the renewed CDing plus the discussions on this forum are making me over-feel what's inside.
    Hon, I hadn't CD'd for about 18 years, and when my GD resurfaced, it came back with a vengeance. Everyone hopes the above is true. Sometimes it is, but the important thing is to figure out what's really going on.

    Quote Originally Posted by dawn03 View Post
    On the other hand, sometimes the feelings well up with such intensity that I have to believe they're real... I'm very confused.
    The most important thing you can do is be fearless, and really be honest with yourself and your counselor on your feelings about your gender, and to be willing to follow this wherever it leads, because you are powerless over your gender. It is a part of you and you can't change it. Hopefully where it leads is far short of transition - that is a real possibility. But be willing to really look hard at this stuff, and try to avoid denial about it. It's easy to be in denial - this stuff is really scary and hard to deal with. NOBODY wants to be trans. NOBODY.

    And hon, I sure do understand your confusion. I'm so sorry, I was confused too when I started going through this about this time last year. Going to a gender therapist is absolutely the right decision, and it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

  25. #25
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Be careful about walking off cliffs Dawn. It's really not the fall that gets you, it's that sudden stop at the bottom.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

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