“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.” -Thomas Merton
Some of you may remember that I posted a diatribe some months back about how I was done with the life, as it were. I had a bunch of reasons/rationales for my decision, which I'm not going to rehash here. You've heard them, anyways - from me or from someone else. They boil down to the same "But I want to be normal" thought processes that these things usually do. And so, I was going to simply willpower my way out of my desire to wear cute boots.
Nice theory, anyways. It seemed to be working out well for a while. I had a fun g/f who wouldn't have guessed a thing. I made a few bucks selling off my old wardrobe. Eventually, the pop-up ads for modcloth and heels dot com stopped showing up in my browser. By George, I was just a normal fella!
I can't say that the realization that I couldn't/shouldn't quit came in any dramatic, turmoil-filled fashion. It was pretty matter of fact, actually. For reasons having nothing to do with my cd'ing, things had grown colder with the lady, and I began to turn an eye to the future. Then, the realization came suddenly. One morning, she'd left for work before I departed for school. As I was getting ready, I fixed an eye on the ruffled black skirt from the Gap that her sister had given her. Size 6, what a coincidence. Couldn't hurt to try it on, just for old times sake. Well, I'll tell you: I stepped into that skirt, zipped it up, and felt the fabric settle over my hips as I checked my booty in the mirror - and it couldn't have been more right. I knew right then and there that I was fooling myself to think that I could just deny the reality of who I am, and what I want. And that was pretty much that.
I'd like to say that I regret the purge, but really, I only do in a financial sense. Ultimately, I was at such a spot in my life that no-one was going to talk me out of it. I'm the sort of person that I sometimes just have to jump and see where I land. And if I go splat, well, I'll pick myself up and dust myself off. And I'll keep on heading forward. So, this whole thing had to happen the way it did for me to have any hope of jumping out of this repeating loop at some point in my life. I'd like to think I've made it out this time.
I've spent the ensuing couple of months trying to get organized again, trying to figure out how to rebuild the girl. I had forgotten how much effort (and dough) went into finally getting myself out the front door during my last cycle. Slow & steady, I guess.
Anyways, that's where I'm at. Thanks for listening. Also, thanks to those who tried to talk me out of it when I announced I was dunzo, way back when. I wish I could have listened and saved myself some trouble. But alas, it was not to be. And so, the girl inside rises from the ashes yet again.
Hopefully, that's the last time I have to say that.
(:
) that you are back and it didn't work out.
) 2014 NY resolution - purge again... Then I came across this place and I was able to read a bit; understand a bit (particularly gender variance); and accept a lot more about myself.
And no she doesn't know I CD - but what is she thinking...?!?!) and thinking about a new pair of boots I bought yesterday on eBay, and what type of false eyelashes I need.... Well - you know all this, right?
Originally Posted by Christen
