spouse of male crossdresser

[VictoriaDay]

I am a common law spouse of a male crossdresser. No one is the world would think this of my spouse as he is very much a domineering man during his normal wear, and has plenty of manly traits with machinery, tools, engines etc. during daylight and work days.
When he does cross dress which is more often lately, he turns into a very soft spoken gentle person. It is almost as though he has two personalities.
He is not interested in sexual contact unless he is cross dressed. Is this a normal issue with most cd's? I find it a little frustrating.

Your comments.

[darla_g]

Sounds like he associates women as being the kindler gentler part of the species and men need to be domineering with his manliness.

I have heard of that before but probably not so pronounced.

Welcome to the site btw

[Marcelle]

Hi Victoria,

Firstly welcome to our little group. You will find that we (CDers) are a bit all over the map when it comes to expressing this side of us. For some like myself, dressing has nothing to do with "sexual play" but more about being me "en femme" or "en boy". My wife knows about Isha but when it comes to that part of our relationship, neither her nor I wish Isha to share in that realm. However, there are others for whom dressing is a bit more sexually arousing and would like to include that in "play time".

My advice would be that you and your spouse should talk this part out. My wife and I have set some ground rules (things we can both live with and live without) but in the end neither of us does anything which would make the other uncomfortable. To me the "sex" thing is a big "both parties need to be totally comfortable" or it is likely to end up putting a lot of undue strain on the relationship.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

Victoria,
From my experience because it is new to him sex when dressed becomes a bit of a fantasy for a while.
This behaviour does pass and with freedom to dress the desire to only engage in sex whilst dressed will wane.

[Katey888]

Welcome Victoria,

It's hard to tell what is normal and what is not about us... I suspect you would find the same spread of responses from a cross section of the general population if you asked a set of questions involving anything 'extra' to the two people involved in sexual contact. For me, it is not something that is required in my relationship with my wife (but she knows nothing about my CDing...).

I imagine your frustration is normal - I'd be asking the same question you are if I was in your position... Isha's experience with ground rules seems a sensible approach to me - perhaps you need to have an open discussion and suggest a similar approach to your husband?

I'm sorry I can't be more help...

Katey x

[Caden Lane]

As Isha said, there are various types of crossdressers along the spectrum. Some are more fetishistic, some just wish to feel pretty and feminine. The key to understanding any of it, is communication and openness from both of you. A good read to help you understand may be My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. She's the wife of a CD and a lot of her insights can help a wife or a CD. It may help your hubby understand himself better, but a book cannot replace a proper therapist in that regard. Another venue of course is to ask questions here. I commend you for trying to keep an open mind, despite your frustrations.

[Stephanie47]

Although we are "all over the map" I would agree his behavior may be frustrating and more than a little. On the sex issue this would be frustrating to me as a woman because I would expect certain behavior to be exhibited that attractive me to him. I would suspect there is something going on in his male environment that is causing an increase stress level which is abated through cross dressing. There could be other reasons for increasing the frequency of his cross dressing, however, still avoiding that point of stress. He may be using "role reversal" to get away from all of it. That may not be comfortable for you. I would encourage you and he to have a sit down discussion over coffee to find out if something is bugging him, and, to express YOUR desires, especially in the bedroom. Having intimately relations with a husband dressed as a woman is not something most women would enjoy. Sure, most men may have the fantasy of having a woman in control in the bedroom, but, 100% role reversal is more than that.

It is not unusual for many of us to modify our behavior and self expression when presenting as a woman, but there has to be some negotiated limitations and expectations when a spouse is involved. Your need to talk to him about it.

[Ressie]

What is normal? All CDs are unique. Your spouse is a fetish dresser which isn't uncommon. But many crossdressers don't fit in that category.

[GenieGirl]

Welcome Victoria.

I am a very manly guy too in my hobbies, abilities. I don't come of as a macho man a** though i'm very laid back and very friendly I have a baby face and long hair and earrings so I probably don't look that manly too most, but I love suprising people. I have 3 different tool boxes, can do carpentry work and work on cars as well as fix or build just about anything. I'm a huge football fan College footballl and NFL. I love cars and drag race occasionally. Play guitar as well. I am the same as a girl and guy as far as personality, soft spoken at times and at others very chatty but always friendly and one of the nicest persons you could run into. As far as being dressed for sexual intimacy that is not a must, its nice and i like it but that doesn't have to be there. I think its normal for most CDs to want to have sexual contact with their partner while dressed but not normal to only have sexual contact while dressed. To only want to have sex as a female makes me think he might be transgender. It also could be just a new found glory maybe and he has just been overcome with this desire to do so..maybe it will pass if that is the case. Any other questions you can message me.

Ginger

[Jenniferathome]

Victoria, Your manly description of your husband is pretty typical. I can assure you that no one would ever guess I was a cross dresser. The issue of sex, to me, describes more of a fetishist behavior than a cross dresser. It may seem odd to you but sex and cross dressing usually don't go together. When I am dressed, I will never even consider intimate contact with my wife. I won't even hold her hand. I highly recommend you discuss this with him. There is more going on that just cross dressing.

Best of luck

[Ms. Babs]

Hi,

My therapist suggested the book "Arousal" written by a therapist and addresses this type of behaviour.

Babs

[Rachelakld]

Hi Victoria, and welcome
When I first started CDing (as a teen) it was a very sexual activity.
As my female personality evolved over time, it became more of just existing as a normal girl, as such I have only been to bed with stocking on once, and found it distracting and embarrassing to my male personality.

I did try seeing if I was also gay - didn't work out for me, but the club was an interesting experience
Unfortunately life can be about "trying" various playtime activities, sometimes they get more intense, others die away

As for manly man, well I didn't get the 6 foot + body I wanted, but I'm very good at repairing fighter jets, shooting things, and going bush for weeks
- maybe I should invent Camo-green nail polish.

[Audrey Sis]

Welcome, Victoria.

Pigeonholing then, perhaps I'm not a "crossdresser" as defined in this thread, as it always has been erotic for me. I did make that clear Very early in my relationship with my ex-wife, and it was not the cause of our divorce. I could go into the difference between a fetish and ..but whatever, that's not important.

When in male mode (virtually always with the outside world) I suppose I present as a regular guy. I'm not domineering as such, but neither am I fey. I do these days wear polished finger and toenails, and have smooth legs, but I've found enough acceptance of myself and also from friends and family that I no longer fear others reactions to these personal grooming habits. That aside, I've always been easy going, but no doormat.

Not to get off track, and I can only speak for myself, but perhaps your husband does require that feeling of femininity in order to perform. In that case, "ground rules" are moot. To your question: no, it's not Typical for most hetero CDs.

(I have rejected the term Normal in my life in general, as the only "normal" is a setting on the dryer)

I wish you both all the best.

[Erica2Sweet]

Your story sounds very much like mine and my Lady's through the beginning.

In boy mode I cut and chop firewood, build things in the backyard, kill bugs when they get into the house, ect... When in femme mode, I tend to be much different in terms of personality. Partly this is due, for me, to my femme side having limited human contact over the years and having been under-developed emotionally. When one who crossdresses gets out and socializes in femme mode, essentially, the femme side should become more stable, confident, complex, and real, as opposed to a fantasy being. For anyone, remaining reclusive in any way for a long period if time is terribly unhealthy. Socializing for your partner, whether he admits it or not, is going to help tremendously. All this is necessary because I'm of the opinion is that, once a feminine personality is established and named within a crossdresser, that personality has to be properly socialized and nurtured just like any other human being, or emotional issues develop.

The reason for the heightened interest in sexual contact when crossdressed, is most likely because of what we as crossdressers often do with our time when we present as female and stay closeted. The point quickly becomes sexual via self-gratification. That then becomes Pavlovian, essentially. The pretty clothes and accessories cause a heightened sense of arousal if rehearsed long enough, so then the individual becomes trained to respond in that same way whenever he puts on the feminine clothing and accessories.

My advice is to find ways to bond with and nurture the femme side of your partner, and insist on finding a balance with regard to intimacy so all of your and your partner's wants and needs are addressed. It's not that hard with honest dialog and effort.

[Wildaboutheels]

You don't say how old you are, how long you have been married, or how long you have "known". All contributing factors to some degree. You do seem to be saying he will no longer have sex unless he is "dressed"? You need to have a sit down with him and ask him WHY the change? [all of a sudden?]

There is no typical for CDers although one FACT is very clear. Almost all CDers, with with very few exceptions, at least pass through the fetish stage where female clothing items are used to get to the promised land. [Os] This is very easy to confirm and multiple dozens of other sites confirm this. Many of the "more mature ladies" here have left that stage behind them and have "progressed" into fuller dressing or being more interested in "passing" as a woman than mere Os.

For others, it's almost always about the Os.

THE most important aspect of it all? HE should not force any part of his dressing on you that you are not comfortable with.

And never assume he can read your mind or your expressions as to how you feel. He should do the same.

[Confucius]

Every cross-dresser is unique, and its difficult to make general rules on how a cross-dresser is supposed to behave.

Most cross-dressers begin at an early age, and some have had these urges all their lives. It may help if you think of his brain as being hard wired to cross-dressing by releasing a host of neurotransmitters which produce the sensations of well-being, comfort, pleasure, sexual gratification and identity. It affects the reward centers of his brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response.

If he seems to be cross-dressing more lately, most likely it is because he is growing more confident that it doesn't upset you. There is a good web site for wives of crossdressers: http://www.crossdresserswives.com/revision/forum1.html

However that site seems to take a very negative view toward their cross-dressing husbands. In most cases the wives of cross-dressers need to determine the tolerance limits, and make that clear to their husbands. Most cross-dressers want to wives to enjoy the experience, however most wives find it a serious turn-off.

In my case my wife sets the limits and I do my best to respect her wishes.

[Erica2Sweet]

...THE most important aspect of it all? HE should not force any part of his dressing on you that you are not comfortable with...

Sorry but rejecting the femme side of someone who has begun the process of establishing a feminine identity within himself will most likely cause resentment within him for you not being accepting of a real part of who he has become. It's not about blame or finger pointing, it's just the reality of the situation. If the femme side is not nurtured in some way at home, it will motivate him in very big ways to get those wants met elsewhere. Whether he just lives with the feelings of rejection, or finds some other way(s) to get those wants met is up to him. At that point, his value system will likely come into play.

[Ms. Jennifer]

Victoria, i am very similar to your husband in the fact that i build trucks, play in the mud and am very manly in guy mode. i also have "split personality" when im in Jenna mode i am calm , tidy and care about my appearence. as everyone else has said no 2 of us CD'ers are the same. personally i went threw my fetish phase mainly before i came out to my wife but since telling her a while ago the whoe sexual infactiation had diminished . my wife is great about me dressing and picking outfits etc... however she layed ground rules such as; i had to quit alcohol, no sex with a bra or makeup / wig on but boots and stockings were ok.

id say the worst thing you could do is not take interest in his "fetish" as someone else said he will go find it elsewhere to satisfy his need. my best advise is to set ground rules,. maybe try to diffuse the whole thing by offering to buy him some outfits in exchange for meeting your wishs. kind of like a reward system. that will slowly take away the fetish aspect of CDing without emotionally damaging him or pushing him away

[Jenniferathome]

... If the femme side is not nurtured in some way at home, it will motivate him in very big ways to get those wants met elsewhere. Whether he just lives with the feelings of rejection, or finds some other way(s) to get those wants met is up to him...

This is really self serving coming from a cross dresser. Any woman has the absolute right to refuse engaging in activity that makes them uncomfortable. That is NOT rejection of the person.

[KellyJameson]

Men seem to wear masks as the roles they perform and I think these roles are so narrow that they somehow become cut off from other aspects of themselves.

A type of emotional constipation that builds up until it seeks relief and crossdressing through fantasy alllows them a back door into allowing them to give permisssion to themselves to break from these self imposed roles.

The gender roles were learned and reinforced by society and culture to make possible a man's entry and acceptance into society by the women he attracts and men who like, respect and befriend him.

These roles cut a man off from his emotional sensitive side that allows connection to all other living creatures and even himself as being sensitive to and aware of himself as a sentient being.

The problem is sex and how it threatens to invert his sexuality by making him want to turn himself into a sex object instead of projecting his sexuality outward toward another as it was intended.

He becomes both man and woman sexually as both hunter and target (object) mistakenly thinking that this is how women feel sexually.

They project their sexuality onto women so think they are "acting like woman and feeling like woman" when this could not be further from the truth.

For a woman this can leave her cold sexually because the very elements of male sexuality that arouse her have now fallen by the wayside from him leaving behind the dominant energy necessary to his sexuality to garner her sexual response which equals frustration for her.

A dominant sensitive lover is good for a woman but a passive sensitive lover is not and crossdressing threatens to turn men into passive lovers by inverting their sexuality towards themselves.

In my opinion the more "feminine" he becomes the more "masculine" he must remain if he is to remain sexually desirable to a woman.

There really is no such thing as feminine or masculine but simply the traits associated with these words that are mixed up with sex but in nature sex between men and women needs to follow the design of nature or else the sexuality collapes into itself.

You must fight his passivity in the bedroom if you want to remain sexually responsive to him.

Keep yourself as the sexual object in his eyes so he does not turn himself into a sexual object.

[RADER]

Welcome, Victoria:
Glad you found us, My wife new about my dressing well be fore we where Married.
At work, I was a Carpenter foreman, running up to 40 men building houses.
I had to be strong, or nothing would get done.
When I got home, well it was great to change into something more comfortable.
My wife would tell me to "Go and put your Bra on" when she saw me in a grumpy mood.
In bed, I might wear a baby doll nightie, but that was all.
My Man parts where still active to give her what she wanted.
We had boundaries, like staying in the closet; I would never pass anyway, just nothing
about me was Dante.
I hope you and yours work things out. My wife said that my cross dressing made me the
perfect Husband.
Rader

[ReineD]

He is not interested in sexual contact unless he is cross dressed. Is this a normal issue with most cd's?

It's difficult to say whether this is an issue with "most", "few", or "half". Much of it depends on the crossdresser's age and his personality.

It generally does tend to be more sexual for younger crossdressers. Many middle aged CDs here will say that the sexual aspect of the CDing has long abated and they now dress mostly for comfort. But, there are crossdressers for whom it is sexual all their lives, although some/most (?) are able to have sex with their wives if they are not dressed.

As to personality, is your SO respectful of your feelings? You say that he is not interested in sexual contact unless he is dressed … does this mean that you have told him that you need to make love when he is not dressed and his response was that he is not interested in doing this? Or is he simply not able to perform unless he is dressed? There have been many threads in this forum from crossdressers who say they can only have sex if they fantasize they are the woman (even if they aren't dressed). I agree, this is an issue. Honestly this is not unlike men who cannot orgasm without internet porn. It's an indication that the fantasy sex life has become a kink/compulsion without which there can be no orgasm. This is difficult for the partner who does not share the fetish.

The best advice is to just talk. If you are finding your current situation frustrating, it will only get worse. You will eventually come to resent your SO if your sex life is not mutually satisfying. You might even begin to feel like a prop.

Assuming that your SO is a crossdresser and not TS, hopefully he will make an effort to do something about it if he knows that always dressing in the bedroom is an issue for you. If dressing has become a sexual impulse for him, however, it will be difficult to stop this. But it is doable. There are all sorts of online help sites for couples who deal with one-sided fetish issues in their sex lives. Or you could get professional help in the form of a board certified sex therapist.

[franlee]

It seems normal as far I'm concerned. I would venture to guess he is using CDing for both stress relief and sexual gratification. The short answer is a lot of people try to over state or justify the truth. The fact that we CD is proof we all have found something that we either enjoy or have decided to do for our own personal reasons. I think that you are inquiring is great, it means you are open to his needs and desires. It certainly isn't going to hurt you in any way as long as you two keep it within your own comfort zones. So the attire he choses is important to "both of you" for him to be comfortable. Now with that said he should make a good faith effort to accommodate things that you enjoy or need too. In the end it only matters if you have or make an issue of it. The results are the same and more fulfilling if both parties are happy.

[docrobbysherry]

Here r the answers to your questions, Vickie: Yes. No. Maybe. And, sometimes.

If u want more detailed answers? Ask more detailed questions. Because as others have already mentioned, we r about as different here as vanilla men r!

And, u know who can answer u best? Your SO!

[DebbieL]

I am a common law spouse of a male crossdresser. No one is the world would think this of my spouse as he is very much a domineering man during his normal wear, and has plenty of manly traits with machinery, tools, engines etc. during daylight and work days.

This is not as uncommon as it might seem. There are a few things to consider:

Transgenders come in all flavors, though a researcher and doctor named Harry Benjamin ranked them 1 through 6, similar to Kinsey's scale of sexual preference.
Sexual preference and sexual identity are not directly related. Many transgender males desire women exclusively. Others are bisexual, but often don't express more serious interest in men until they transition.
Some men have a strong desire for women almost exclusively, but are also type 5 or type 6 transsexuals. They often think of themselves as lesbians.

Your comments.

You should discuss your new roles with each other. If wants to be your lesbian lover, then you should make sure he knows how to please you in all the ways you could be pleased by a girl, including toys. I won't go into too much detail here, that would be better addressed in private message. There are some amazing possibilities, perhaps even including role reversal. He might even want you to take a more dominant role.

Unless he wants to transition, you will still have your husband, and he will be the man he always was, but maybe a bit more loving, tender, emotional, and gentle. At the same time, in the privacy of your company, and perhaps in a few select clubs, you will be able to explore no and amazing dimensions physically, emotionally, romantically, sexually, and socially, that you may have only dreamed about before. He has given you the key to his heart, and now you know how to make him love you no matter what you want. What you do with that power is up to you.