spouse of male crossdresser

[Jilmac]

I can only speak for myself.I was closeted most of my life because both my spouses were very un-accepting of my dressing even though they both knew about it beforehand and went into the marriage anyway. I never was a domineering person, I was more the pacifist and would rather run from a fight than face it. However I was always mechanically inclined and worked in the building trades where machismo was the norm. I would dress in private and could have displayed a gentler side if I could have been open about my dressing. I always felt as if I was at peace with my feelings and the world around me each time I was able to express my feminine side.

Since my coming out in 2007 I have been told by those who know me as Jill, that I am a very caring and loving person. So yes, I believe your spouse can have the same transformation and become a kinder gentler person when en femme.

[Jenniferathome]

Victoria, if you are still reading this thread, everything Debbie wrote is selfish, selfserving, uniformed, and not representative of a cross dresser.
Good luck

[Being Paige]

Being a CD, I think that I am a seperate person from my male self and want to have a relationship involving Paige, being Paige not my male self! I know sounds kind of wierd but but to me Paige is my female side that craves her own relationships I'm messed up lol but I still after all of my years struggles with the feeling that I am in the wrong body.

[PaulaQ]

He is not interested in sexual contact unless he is cross dressed. Is this a normal issue with most cd's? I find it a little frustrating.

I don't think we can answer questions like "most" - CDs are not a very well studied group of individuals. It is widely reported that there are many CDs who aren't interested in sex unless they are cross dressed, but how common this truly is, is sort of anyone's guess. I'd guess the number of CDs who would like to incorporate CDing into their sex lives is fairly high. The number who will only have sex when cross dressed is surely smaller. Anyway, it's not unheard of.

I'm sure it is frustrating. Anytime a partner in a relationship withholds sex unless they get what they like is problem - it is a very selfish behavior. Are you able to discuss this stuff with your spouse? Is a compromise possible? How do you feel about his cross dressing? (i.e. you hate it, it's tolerable, it's fun but you don't want it all the time, etc.)

[freeindress]

Despite fetish CD, I did not fall in fetish sex because I found naked sex clearing enough pink fog. But I would not discard foreplay while dressed .

[kimdl93]

Welcome, Victoria. While none of us can speak to your SOs particular interests, needs and motivations, we each have insights based on our individual perspectives. I can relate to his preference for sex while presenting as female. I can't entirely say why...no one can. In my case it's not about being submissive. I just prefer to relate to my wife on a physical level as a woman...at least as I imagine a woman would to another. That's where my mind takes me whenever we are intimate, regardless of how we may be dressed...if dressed at all.

You might gently ask where his mind goes, how he sees himself in those moments. What a wonderful insight to have about your lover.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Nurturing his feminine identity so 'she' becomes emotionally stable? Does anyone tell the wife of a schizophrenic to nurture her husband's many identities? If a man wants support while he creates a second personality he should find a therapist and be ready to take the consequences if his wife doesn't want to live with him anymore. This isn't our issue - please remember that. We do NOT have to do anything that makes us uncomfortable.

And indulging CD during sex is totally off base if you're turned off by it like most of us straight girls. Seriously, ignore that. You'll only resent him and over time, this will destroy any respect you have for him. Trust me, fetish doesn't work unless you're both into it. I'm still struggling with this in my own marriage and at the moment, I don't see a positive way forward.

I hope you can both communicate with each other and make a decision one way or another.

Good luck x

[ChristinaK]

It's pretty tough for us to guess what's going on with your husband, but there seems to be a lot of ideas and good advice here.

Personally, being a fetishist for my entire life, there are certain items of clothing that turn me on and I like my women to wear them. If they don't, which has happened, then I tend to wear them and fantasize. If my SO lets me, then I do it with her. I have experienced times when a few women have played along for a while, then get tired of it and lay down the law. Then I continue my fetish privately, but make sure it doesn't affect our love life.

So, if he is a fetishist, and he has fixations on certain clothing and you don't wear it, then he may be playing out his desire being dressed in that clothing himself. If you find out what his fetish is about, you may decide that wearing what he desires fixes the problem. For instance, some women wear nothing but T-shirts to bed. Not really sexy.

I could be totally off base, but it's a thought. Good luck with your problem. It's tough being a crossdresser and probably tougher being the wife of one.

[adrienner99]

While I cannot address the issue of "no sex unless dressed," I very much exhibit the "two-personality" behavior. I grew up feeling incredible pressure to be tough, confrontational, manly...etc. I did the best I could, but by nature I was peaceful, kind and compassionate. I was bullied. My sense of self was permanently affected to some extent (tho I did grow up and put a lot of those experiences behind me. ) I think one of several reasons I dress is that it "allows" me the option of not having to be fierce. I don't feel pressure to be something I'm not. I feel different...I feel allowed to be who I am...Could his alpha male exterior be based on similar childhood experiences?

[VictoriaDay]

My common law spouse and I are both in our mid 50s. We dated on and off for three years, and now have been together full time for 18 months. My partner has been interested in cross dressing his whole life. He has always enjoyed wearing women's panties under his work clothes. His c.d. did not come out in until we developed our last relationship, although when we first met he did mention he likes to be dominated in the bedroom only. Since he has become more and more comfortable with me and I the same, our sex life as man and woman has taken a nose dive. It just doesn't happen anymore unless he is dressed. This is all very new to me and I am in complete acceptance with his cross dressing. I just want a man in my life in the bedroom once in awhile, that's what attracted me to him in the first place. He is definitely not interested in men, and sometimes shows a little too much interest in other women.

Hope we can work this out, we do have a good life together, with friends and travel. None of our friends know this about us.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Nurturing his feminine identity so 'she' becomes emotionally stable? Does anyone tell the wife of a schizophrenic to nurture her husband's many identities? If a man wants support while he creates a second personality he should find a therapist and be ready to take the consequences if his wife doesn't want to live with him anymore. This isn't our issue - please remember that. We do NOT have to do anything that makes us uncomfortable.

And indulging CD during sex is totally off base if you're turned off by it like most of us straight girls. Seriously, ignore that. You'll only resent him and over time, this will destroy any respect you have for him. Trust me, fetish doesn't work unless you're both into it. I'm still struggling with this in my own marriage and at the moment, I don't see a positive way forward.

I hope you can both communicate with each other and make a decision one way or another.

Good luck x

Life would be better if we were stamped from a mold that did not change . Every person born goes through so many changes in their lives, but it seems that once we get into a relationship people want to freeze their spouse, partner and mate into what that person was at the moment the relationship is solidified. People never can know another person 100% everything changes everyday. It's not easy, but it goes both ways. Sure there are things only a trained professional can handle, but in the end it really matters what a relationship was based on in the beginning. Sometimes we forget on this site other truism's of life like the men who find out their wives are lesbian or bisexual and never knew it. Or the FtoM transgender, who have lost relationships because of their gender identity. The only reality in the world is that 'Change Happens".

My common law spouse and I are both in our mid 50s. We dated on and off for three years, and now have been together full time for 18 months. My partner has been interested in cross dressing his whole life. He has always enjoyed wearing women's panties under his work clothes. His c.d. did not come out in until we developed our last relationship, although when we first met he did mention he likes to be dominated in the bedroom only. Since he has become more and more comfortable with me and I the same, our sex life as man and woman has taken a nose dive. It just doesn't happen anymore unless he is dressed. This is all very new to me and I am in complete acceptance with his cross dressing. I just want a man in my life in the bedroom once in awhile, that's what attracted me to him in the first place. He is definitely not interested in men, and sometimes shows a little too much interest in other women.

Hope we can work this out, we do have a good life together, with friends and travel. None of our friends know this about us.

Most likely he has underdressed as a CD for many years, and that sex while dressed has been a part of his routine for years even while single (trying to keep this PG). His routine in the bedroom is to dominated while dressed. It takes awhile for new relationships to develop what they are comfortable with , you need to talk and find common ground. being 'comfortable' for a lot of men equals boredom, hence the nose dive. Since he's into dominance, think about using the in the bedroom, to the degree you feel comfortable with.

[sometimes_miss]

Victoria, we're all different. It's unlikely that he has two personalities; multiple personality disorder is very, very rare. Much more likely is that he subconsciously represses certain behavior that he considers inappropriate to do when he is in 'normal boy mode'. It allows him to believe to himself that it's not really him, instead something he only does when play acting as a girl. It's a common reaction lots of men have because of how we're brought up: We're told from the moment we're self aware that the worst thing in the world for a boy is to be anything like a girl, and not only men, but women reinforce that idea to us throughout our lives.

[Caden Lane]

the distinct differences in his personality may also be due to his overcompensation. That may also lead to him overcompensating with his femme self as well.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Victoria, Welcome. I kind of fall into some of the categories your husband does. I have all the guy tools and skills to use them. Can take an old car apart in a day. Built a 1,000 sq. ft. deck on my house 2 years ago by myself. Married 42+ years with 3 kids and seven grandchildren. I don't know if you see a pattern with his dressing but I tend to want to dress more in the cooler weather, from October to May. I also can't dress in summer since body hair needs to come back for the beach. For many of us the smooth fabrics are very sensual and can increase passion so sex can be enhanced if we are allowed to dress. However, I can see where that could be a turn off for you. Where he and I differ is that my job requires that I be gentle, caring and sensitive to others needs since I am a Hospice RN. My wife will also note that I don't always bring all those skills home every day. I can't tell her that the uptightness is because I can't dress as often as I would wish. She is always feeling threatened by my dressing since she knows that I can pass in public. When she sees a story on TV about a married man who decides to transition, I know she gets uncomfortable. I think the best thing you can do is ask him to have an open dialogue with you about his crossdresing and try to come up with some boundaries that work for the both of you. It won't be easy since I have never known crossdressing to ever go away but there are cycles we go through. With the right woman we always come around and keep priorities straight but it's never a straight line. I'll say a prayer and hope you will keep us as much to up to date as you can. Hope it works out for you. Steph

[Taylor Ray]

It took me many years to integrate different aspects of my personality, especially the male and female aspects. I am now comfortable being feminine when dressed as a male, and acting male when dressed as a female. Yes, the way I dress still effects how I present. Some of it has to do with social circumstances.

From this perspective, integrating the two personality aspects is beneficial. So, rejecting him or shaming him when acting more feminine probably won't be helpful.

On the other hand, integration does not entail needing to be cross-dressed in order to be sexually aroused. A more integrated personality would be able to express effeminate qualities naked or dressed as a male.

Not to be a total downer, but many married couples experience a lack of sexual intimacy even without cross dressing issues.

[VictoriaDay]

Thank you for your honest response. I have definitely been enlightened since joining this forum, it has helped me to understand. I now have to work on us and hope we can develop our relationship to be completely honest and open.
tks....xo

[Briana90802]

Hi Victoria,
For some reason I always seem to be the "odd girl out" when it comes to thinking but I have some advice and insite that may help. You say that it's like there are two different personalities, that's normal men feel like they have to be men, and some men CD because they can't express that fem side of themself. SO my advice, let him know that it's ok to be feminine as a man. That expressing those feelings is natural and healthy and that you have no objections. It seems that you like that fem side just encourage him to be open with his feelings.
This can be accomplished by half dressing. Let him wear a girl shirt or bra around the house. It's a subconscious reminder and a symbolic way of letting what's inside out. I think that over time the two personalities will find balance.
As far as the sex thing is concerned. It's very natural. It's a phase that most, if not all, of us have gone threw, like being a rebelious teen, or terrible twos. For now just enjoy it.

[Ria Lynn]

Talk to him, sit down and really go over how you feel with him. If he doesn't know how you feel about this then he won't know to do anything differently. I'm bi so I'm still sexually attracted to my husband when he's en femme (he's very passable except for his voice), but I've made it very clear to him that I married a man. I don't mind being intimate with Brea part of the time as long as I still get intimate time with the man I married. He'll ask me if I am okay with him being en femme before we start getting intimate and he respects my feelings. If he really wants to be en femme on a particular night I'm usually okay with it unless it's been awhile since we've been intimate as a man and a woman. Really what this boils down to is both of you respecting each others' feelings and reaching a compromise that you're both comfortable with, not that is entirely dictated by one of you or the other as it is now.

[Kristina_nolagirl]

Hi Victoria,

If you've read this entire thread, you're probably more confused than when you posted the question! We're all very different and only really linked by the fact that we like to wear women's clothes. I would think the best thing you can do is to just sit down with him with an honest, sincere tone and an open mind and ask him what is on his mind. Open the lines of communication and compromise to create a situation that works for the both of you. Relationships, like streets really suck when they are only one way!
Good luck!

[suchacutie]

Hi Victoria. Just to add a bit more to the spectrum, I'm very much two separate people. My wife is very good at helping me keep them separated. We wanted to let both sides if my personality flourish as part of knowing each other as deeply as possible, including knowing myself.

My wife is also completely straight so Tina is a completely platonic girlfriend. This intricate relationship was built on mutual trust and complete openness. My suggestion is that if the two of you can't work this out alone, a gender therapist might be useful/essential.

Tina

[Ellen47]

Welcome to the form. Please remember its only clothes he is the same man you married. I also cross dress and it just relaxes me. For me it is not a sexual thing. I have been married for 30 years my wife does not like it but gives me the time I need. Please try to be understanding. And god bless.

[Melissa_59]

Hi Victoria, welcome.

I guess the biggest take-away is "talk to your husband and discuss it very honestly and frankly" because one thing you're already noticing in our responses is that while we seem to have one thing in common (dressing), we are all very very different. The only comment I'll openly endorse is what Kristina said about "sit down and talk", that's the only way you will have the answers you need.

Cheers!

Mel