I don't know where to start. English is not my native language so I hope you can excuse any grammar mistakes or anything, I'm quite nervous right now. This is a very long post. I don't know if it's appropriate to write it here. If it's not, please have it removed and accept my apologies. I only want to say thank you.
I cry everytime I enter this forum, I only know it from days ago. I will tell you a bit of my life story. It's just one of perpetual sadness, never achieving what I wanted, never feeling like I belonged. Failing at love, failing at school, failing at life. Yes, I have a life, yes I have been loved. But I have also harmed close ones, because of my inabilty to provide what would make them happy. I couldn't even provide what would make me happy.
Now I know this is happening since I was a little boy, when I wanted to wear dresses and earrings, that wasn't all games to me. As I grew up, I kept my fascination and adoration of women, I always felt good among them, I always thought I was in tune with them.
Living a regular straight guy life, enjoying good success at meeting and knowing girls, having relationships, I came to terms with the fact that there was just a strong feminine side inside me. I learned to love it while at the same time I was afraid to let something slip and cause people around me to think I was gay, something I didn't consider myself back then.
Then it changed over the years. At first it made itself apparent as I tried for the first times intimating with non-GG's, where I realized I wasn't the regular straight guy myself and everyone thought I was. I even got to men, to realize it wasn't fulfilling. Yes, it satisfied some needs. Yet I never felt it was completely right with me.
So I attributed all of it to me just a pervert. I even accepted myself as one. Fast forward 2 relationships with marvelous girls in which I was deeper and deeper in darkness, not knowing what I wanted, why was I like that. In the last months of my last relationship, I somehow started thinking more and more about everything, me and my life. I also became increasingly and almost obsessively interested in some things related to women, such as clothing, makeup. This might look like childish, the things I started to look at. But I had always, from what I can remember, be very interested in women. Always listening, always analyzing them. Always feeling more identified to the way they see life. Always admiring them.
As it happened, I started thinking about dressing myself as a woman. I had thought about that for many years, but I always defended myself from it thinking it was just another crazy fantasy. I had even done partially years ago with clothes from women of my family. I wanted out of the relationship to pursue this feeling.
This was some months ago. I started chatting with a crossdresser in a dating site I frequented. It soon became apparent to her that I wasn't interested in being with her, but in being like her. We talked, she helped me understand things and quickly started to plan everything. He assured me I would look gorgeous and I would never regret it. One day, about 2 months ago, I went to her place and Diana was made real. And I'm crying again just by writing this. I've been crying constantly through these last weeks and it's tears of joy what I have.
First time was obviously when she put my wig on me and I looked at myself in the mirror. I can say it was one of the most brutal emotions I've ever had. I changed instantly, everything I have been keeping inside for so many years just started flowing and submerged me in euphoria.
I realize, because I have been reading these forums intensely, that going out while dressed is a big deal, it's something that takes all the bravery in the world for so many girls out there. In my case, Diana exploded in my life so abruptly, well I basically went out that same night with my friend, and while I was scared, I just let myself flow.
My life had been miserable, I was feeling feeling really alive for the first time in 32 years, I was feeling myself. I didn't have to think what to say or how to behave, I just let myself flow and let the intense happiness I was experiencing to carry me over. As it happened, I ended up losing my phone in the proccess, with all the pictured I had taken of myself. To this day, I still have the fear that at any moment someone can approach me and tell me they have received some really weird pictures of me.
In any case, it's been about 2 months and well, I have dressed some more times, I haven even bought myself a dress and some nice shoes I love, and this is everything I have been thinking about, everyday, all the time. The last time I dressed, I was trying the new clothes I had bought. First time in a dress I had picked, shoes I had bought. I took like 200 photos of myself, I partied, I met men, I was charming, people loved me, I didn't go out because I realized I got really carried away the first time, so I have limited my interactions to a dating site and the people my friend invites to her house when I go over.
I have never been so happy. I realize I'm extremely lucky in many aspects, I thought people would laugh at me. They would ridicule. All of it was killing me. Instead, I found out people love. Strangers treat me like a princess. I realize most of them want what they want, but I don't care as long as they are respectful and they treat me the way I want to be treated.
I can't overstate how incredible the attitude of women has been. I keep getting almost to the point of crying when one of them tells me something nice, supporting. I'm really touched about all this, I don't even fully know what it's happening to me, I just know allthat makes me feel right, alive.
I don't know what it is to come. I have read about this pink fog, about the desperation, about quitting, or purging, I don't know. I don't know how will I face that some people I love will find it disgusting if they eventually find out something that makes feel happy for the first time in my life.
And then I found this forum, and started reading so many stories so similar to mine. You have made me feel one among many for the first time in my life. You have given answers to absolutely every question or fear I had. I was really confused after the last time, and then I found you. And now I know there was nothing wrong with me all along. I don't know what I will be down the road, now I'm positive I'm going to be what I feel I am, even if I have to move to a different country and start from scratch. I'm 32, i don't think it's too late to live my own life.
I think there is a very strong feminine side in me and I unleashed it for the first time in my life. I felt alive and happy for the first time too. I interacted with people without feeling I was hiding anything. It was myself. The part of me that I was hiding, the part of me that I kept from everyone in fear, was for the first time ever the part I was showing, and people found it lovely.
So this is me right now. My life has changed. I will make it like I want no matter what. I still don't know how it will go, but finding this forum and you all has given me hopes. I now know a place to be, with people that will understand me.
I love you all. You are all beautiful. You all are. I really mean this all.
Kisses.
PD: That one which is a bit fuzzy, is from the first time I dressed. I was so happy. The other 3 are from the last time, when I was wearing my own dress and shoes for the first time, I was waiting for it like crazy because I had to order the shoes online due to no shop having my size (I'm 6' and my feet are enormous). It was the best night of my life. I really struggle to imagine how could I feel happier. The close-up one is me after having been crying (how not) upon staring at myself at the mirror.
crossdressing...theirs an app for that 
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