A Cautionary Tale

[Kays_Heels]

All the posts that I have read on the forum point to honesty being the best policy. Having failed to acknowledge the reality that for decades I have cross dressed, I have somewhat boxed myself into a corner in coming clean.

While my now wife has known that I have worn panties from the very start of our relationship 10 years ago, I now living to regret not being absolutely explicit at the time about the underlying reason why. Had I done so, she would have been in the position at that point to decide whether or not this was acceptable and given her the option of walking away before committing to a relationship and subsequent marriage.

We both had to make some life changing decisions in order to be together. Hers was the more difficult if only because I was already planning to leave my marriage, which had been based on 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own' principle prior to our meeting.

She has always wanted a close, tactile, loving and affectionate life although she had the complete absence in her then marriage. However, despite its failings, she viewed her 'marriage' as better than nothing, better than splitting up and living alone. She needed absolute certainty that our relationship would be sufficiently secure to justify the pain that she would have to inflict on her children (all adults by age although far from independent) through divorcing their father and forcing him out of the marital home.

I love her like no other. She is everything that one could ever wish for, well as close to being unusually compatible as could be reasonably possible in this world. So, I would not want to risk the remarkably close, intimate relationship that we enjoy. While she has appeared only vaguely unsetted from time to time about my wearing panties, it seemed as though she might be prepared to accommodate my 'admission', although I knew that it would always be risky to present someone whom you love deeply with such a stark choice.

Having created the opportunity to introduce the subject, it was immediately obvious that I had stepped into a literal minefield. The four main issues were around:

• Trust - or the breach of it through the absence of honesty on the subject.

• Another woman in the relationship undermining her position as the woman of the relationship, the wearing of the most intimate of women's clothing particularly those associated with female seduction.

• My sexuality and the impact on our hitherto close relationship.

• The support and encouragement of the forum to push boundaries further.

As we discussed this, she brought her psychoanalytical mind into play trying to identify the origins of my CD, what had brought this to the forefront after lying relatively dormant for so long and to what extent might my CD develop.

We are thankfully very much still talking, me trying to answer questions and she trying to come to terms with an unexpected 'elephant' in the room.

So this is a(nother) salutary lesson to tread carefully with SOs as if one was needed..... Will let you know how it pans out.......



Kay x

[Wildaboutheels]

"While she has appeared only vaguely unsetted from time to time about my wearing panties, it seemed as though she might be prepared to accommodate my 'admission', although I knew that it would always be risky to present someone whom you love deeply with such a stark choice.

Having created the opportunity to introduce the subject, it was immediately obvious that I had stepped into a literal minefield."

Your post ^^^ makes it appear that things were OK for 10 years but Forum Induced Courage [or pressure] encouraged you to opt for more than the DADT which was obviously working?

Question. WAS your CDing over the past 10 years in any way DETRACTING from the QoL [Quality of Life] and/or the time spent with your wife?

And [of course] do you leave your house dressed or ever given her reason to think you do?

You have only been here 11 days and already succumbed to the pink fog?

[reb.femme]

My only advice is of that given so often here, take it slowly from hereon, answer questions honestly (this bit is hard, I know so well) and let her have time to digest. It is a risk we take and one that has been discussed in another thread just this week in regard to telling our SOs. Wildaboutheels asked, "You have only been here 11 days and already succumbed to the pink fog?" or were you contemplating telling her anyway?

I told my wife a short while after coming here, but that was because I had been partly busted a few weeks prior and I found a letter written by Jenniferathome that assisted me in the BIG REVEAL that I had intended making anyway. I sincerely hope this pans out well for you in the long run.

Rebecca

[Katey888]

Kay - you raise some very crucial points for every relationship and questions that many of us continue to agonise over...

Can we continue to suppress 'the other woman' that struggles for oxygen within all of us?
Will our SOs be as caring (or, in possibility, uncaring) of our innate condition as they are of the perceived embarrassment of being with a man who now appears less than whole, when in fact we're probably all a bit more than 'just male'?
If - for some SOs - any apparent failure of trust is a 'deal-breaker', does this mean we are better on the whole, never to be tempted to the Big Reveal and continue to remain under the radar?

And these questions can find a catalyst in this forum - I understand what you mean about the encouragement given by parts of the forum. I don't think members are wrong to voice their opinion and share their experiences - but I do think we forget that the nature of those opinions are absolutely unique to the individual's own relationship, circumstances and environment, and just because a particular approach has worked at one time, there are no guarantees it will work again...

Kay - I really feel for you and what you and your wife must be going through. There is good advice on how to broach this subject and some of that still applies to you, I feel. The critical one appears to be the question of trust - and I think that the stigma that is attached to this subject; the fact it remains taboo in normal society here in the UK; and the difficulty to gather any definitive information about why we do it, would be my starting point to say to my wife:
" This isn't about trust - it's about understanding. And how could I ever communicate anything to you about this subject that made me feel like a weirdo and a pervert, without the understanding that this isn't some deviant's choice of fetish: this is something that we're born with, that there is no cure or treatment for, and which affects such a relatively small percentage of men that no one has ever bothered to conduct any sensible research into. But I understand now that while I might still be considered weird by some, this is something innate that drives me, and it hurts me to suppress it to the degree that now I have had to tell you, whatever the consequences may be..."
I guess you can see I've thought about this too...

I do believe also the idea of GD/TG is a relevant one - again, doesn't mean we all want to be women, but that we have this need to find an outlet for feminine expression and dressing is what gets us there... Letting your wife determine the extent of how Kay impacts your relationship has to be another relevant aspect to this - if she feels in control to some extent of the 'other woman' that may help reassure her.

I wish you well in your ongoing conversation - I hope it helps to know that others will be thinking of you both...

Katey x

[PaulaQ]

As we discussed this, she brought her psychoanalytical mind into play trying to identify the origins of my CD, what had brought this to the forefront after lying relatively dormant for so long and to what extent might my CD develop.

She will fail at all of these things. Our gender really does not lie in the realm of psychoanalysis. There's no psychological reason one is a man or a woman, regardless of their physical sex - you simply are one. And some of us fall somewhere in between the two.

Likewise, unless she's prescient, or unless your GD is sufficiently great that you are really ready to transition NOW, she's extremely unlikely to predict what will happen, and when it will happen. As best I can tell, no one can do this. Of course you aren't ready to transition now, probably are nowhere near this point, and odds are - you never will be. But we'll also never know until after the fact.

[Marcelle]

Hi Helen,

I don't truly see this as a breach of trust or dishonesty. You told your wife at the start of your relationship that you liked to wear women's panties. That in and of itself is an admission that you have CD tendencies. What you are concerned with is not telling her the reason why you like to dress. I am not sure what your reason is but if it is along the lines of being TS vice CD then it is probably time to have a good talk with a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues (unless you already have done so). You may feel as though you are TS but until you have a chance to bring order to chaos then you will never truly know. If you are just a CDer then I am not sure what reason you could have given your wife except it feels good/right and I am sure she has figured that out already. She has stuck with you for 10 years and has not gone running the hills and from what you say in your post your relationship sounds loving and close.

As far as another woman (I am assuming you mean your "en femme" persona) undermining her position as the woman in the relationship. I really cannot provide response as a GG would be in a better position to respond . . . so I went to the source and asked my wife. She said "Sweetie, you are not a woman, I am so there is no competition. If I were to put on a suit and tie, cut my hair short and start talking with a deep voice . . . would you feel you needed to compete with me as a guy?" She makes a good point as I would not because I know I am a guy and she is not.

Sexuality is a tricky subject. My wife and I discuss intimacy all the time around my CDing. We tried (mutual agreement) to introduce Isha into that side of our relationship and to be honest it did not work for either of us. So from that perspective we agreed. . .boy me not girl me. Again, I am not sure what you asking here. If you are heterosexual is it that you are afraid your wife is not seeing you as a guy when it comes to intimate relations?

Support and encouragement to push the boundaries is a good thing. However, you have to be prepared to push those boundaries and take the good with the bad. Pushing the boundaries without due thought given to your own circumstances could go bad very quickly.

Hugs

Isha

[Jenniferathome]

Well Kay, first, you did the right thing and you did it because YOU needed to. Like you, I came out after decades of hiding. There are no guarantees in life but any relationship can deal with the revelation of cross dressing if your foundation is solid. That does't mean active participation by your wife but rather than hiding you can just live.

Total honesty is a must here on out and as you have noted, the trust is the biggest issue for most women. This also proves that "cross dressing" is not THE relationship killer. I suspect that your wife may have always had doubts due to your wearing of panties and this is actually a good thing getting over the hump.

The investigation of the "whys" may never end and certainly will never be answered to completion. You must accept that every act/request related to cross dressing will be under special scrutiny until your wife becomes comfortable with your collective situation. I highly recommend inviting her to set boundaries that she can deal with. These may change over time but she must be comfortable as possible.

Best of luck

[mykell]

just keep the line of communication open,
during my reveal and ensuing talking i offered the DADT scenario as an option in our communication as she did not want to research the web,
maybe an easy way for her to deal with "it", as she accepted this. and their has been no discussion of "it" since.
may want to throw that out there for your SO, something like a life preserver, you just threw her overboard into the "pink sea", but gave her something to hold on to....
sorry if i gave mixed signals,
keep communicating but offer DADT, but the more i wanted to communicate she may not have wanted to.
i wish you well....

[Teresa]

Hi Kay,
Have you thought back to when and how your Cding started ? If you understand yourself it may be easier to explain to your wife. You don't say how far your Cding goes, is it just under dressing or the whole thing ? What I'm asking is at what point it becomes unacceptable to your wife ?
Have I read it right that the children are from a previous marriage, so are there issues there ?
It's a shame that you may walk away from a marriage because of a lack of honesty, when you struggle as a man to accept what's going on inside your head is not your fault.

[MatildaJ.]

Just wanted to give a GG perspective. For me, it's a lot easier to think of this as something new, that happened to my husband, rather than as a fixed part of his life that he always knew about and kept hidden.

I know people on this board like to say "this is something that we're born with" -- but in fact, if you were able to get along without it (or with just panties) for the first ten years of the relationship, then something has changed to make that no longer an option.

People age, and their hormonal balance shifts. To me, it makes sense that people who now have less androgens will feel less drawn to dress in a masculine way, and in our culture, the only way to be "non-masculine" is to borrow items from the feminine category (since our society maintains a rigid gender binary).

So, maybe try to present this less as a Big Reveal of a Big Life-Changing Secret, and more of a "Crap, What's Happening to Me as My Hormones Change?" moment, which will make sense to women, who have their own fears about how menopause will change them.

[Jenniferathome]

Jess, this is an interesting hypothesis and there may be truth to it but I don't feel it. For me, as I aged, the chief issue was hiding not dressing. I always dressed, just buried deep in the closet. The fact that I could set it aside for days, weeks or months, was just a delay tactic.

For whatever reason, hiding and lying about it to my wife was bothering me most. Now that I am out and free to dress more, I still am only occasional. Just not in hiding.

[Beverley Sims]

Kay I have read what you have said but the most interesting angle comes from Jess.

I find it interesting about her thoughts on hormonal balance....

Jess, real men don't have any hormonal problems at all.

Just ask them. Now you have brought the subject up I question myself on this as I have been more outgoing recently.

When I was 20 I was living it, so I did take a regressive step for a few years.

Jess, good work.

[MatildaJ.]

I'm actually not so focused on figuring out what is True, but suggesting what will make your wife more sympathetic to your situation.

No one wants to learn that their marriage is a lie and that they never really knew their spouse.

Doesn't it make sense to present this as a change rather than as a lie? If it's important to you to confess it as a lie, then you have to do that, but it seems like most women would be able to sympathize better if it was presented as a new development than as a life-long lie.

[Wildaboutheels]

Not sure why some are apparently not "noticing"/choosing to ignore the title of your thread?

What YOU decided to put in the Q box. Did you simply pull that title from thin air?

Or consider carefully before choosing?

A wise man [or woman?] once said, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", which your title seems to imply.

And btw, the VERY opening line of your post?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! Clearly you did not do enough reading.

No "sane" person tells ANYone everything IMO. Do you tell/have you told your parents, siblings or any kids everything about yourself? There is nothing in "the marriage vows" that says we must tell our spouses everything is there?

I won't argue that SOME CDers need to tell and should tell all. It's a no brainer.

BUT.. Nothing in ALL of your posts [thus far] leads me to believe that you fit into that category.

[Lorileah]

Just wanted to give a GG perspective. For me, it's a lot easier to think of this as something new, that happened to my husband, rather than as a fixed part of his life that he always knew about and kept hidden.

Interesting way of handling it and it makes sense. The hurt is less if you believe something is recent and that the past wasn't built on fantasy. Maybe if we try and get the SO to think of this as a new turn it will be easier for both?

People age, and their hormonal balance shifts. To me, it makes sense that people who now have less androgens will feel less drawn to dress in a masculine way

OK may eplain someoen who decides to START dressing in later life but not the ones who as have been mentioned suppressed it , as Jennifer notes

Jess, this is an interesting hypothesis and there may be truth to it but I don't feel it. For me, as I aged, the chief issue was hiding not dressing. I always dressed, just buried deep in the closet. The fact that I could set it aside for days, weeks or months, was just a delay tactic.

Hard to comprehend unless you have been there but very few start when the hormones drop (in fact most men try and be MORE macho as that happens..sports cars, affairs, dangerous hobbies). It would also seem that if hormones drove dressing it would be easily fixed, especially now with the new T drugs on the market. No I think it just reaches a poaint where some peple say "I can't fake it anymore. I am killing myself."

once said, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", which your title seems to imply.

Is that what it is saying? Live your life in misery. Interesting. That saying is not a very concrete ideal either. What if we had decided that crank telephones were good enough? Your car...how would you like driving 12 mph? No nothing is set in stone. You may not think it is broken but you are not in their shoes. I lived 50 years pretending that I was the problem. The wolrd was broke and not though. So I fixed it.

I will reiterate again that you don't have to tell and should NOT tell everyone in your life. But you NEED to tell the person who shares your life. T They assume it isn't broke because they don't know how the "thing" operates. I take my car to my mechanic and he says you need new brakes...but my car stops just fine why should I get new brakes when they aren't broken...yet. Ah! So that I don't have to worry about WHEN they will break. Your SO should not have to go through life assuming the brakes will work forever when you know that there is a potential problem. You SO is in that car with you, they deserve to know that the soundness is there. Besides all that, when you don't trust your SO with all the information, the relationship IS broke. Maybe I am a romantic but I think if you love someone, and love them with all your heart, you don't have to hide anything from them. So many marriages now are based on a sand foundation, that you will change or you can change the other person. Neither will happen. And when you do that one or both of you will be unhappy. I think hiding and sneaking makes a relationship "broken" so your parable would be essentially true in this case. The OP was fixing something she saw as broken.

[Kays_Heels]

Thank you to everyone who has been thoughtful enough to provide different perspectives. It is really difficult to see everything when it is so close and personal and I can digest each and every reply as the dialogue continues.

I am pleased (relieved) to say that we seem to be 'holding it all together' for our mutual benefit so there is light at the end of the tunnel and at the moment it is not an oncoming train.

Maybe it was FIC, as Wildaboutheels observed? However for me it seemed the longer my failure to acknowledge continued, the more risk there was in the eventual (inevitable?) discovery.....

Thank you to the members and the forum generally, otherwise I would have been a lost soul.....to you all. I welcome any other views - even if it might not necessarily be what I might wish to read.

Kay x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kay, It seams like you have gotten yourself between a rock and a hard place.

I'm glad that it's not an on-coming train you see at the end of the tunnel.