Constructive criticism vs renforcement

[mechamoose]

I have now commented in a few threads which started "How do I look in...?" My replies have been along the lines of '(this) looks good, but (that) doesn't quite work'.

Most of the *other* replies are more or less "You look great!!!"

I feel like I'm the *only* one giving any constructive criticism. I know that we are all in a sensitive place, exposing ourselves to something that could blow up in our faces... but in here? We can and should feel safe.

While I don't ever want to tear anyone down, I also don't want to dismiss the request as just looking for a positive comment.

Why don't I see more critical comments on outfits and presentation?

- MM

[Rachelakld]

I also add "why blue eye shadow" or the "grey tights"? - my 2 pet hates that reminds me of the early 80's.

I do prefer the multi outfit options, where we can "prefer" one look over the other as hypersensitivity is the norm in this decade, across all aspects of our society.

[Kate Simmons]

Personally I don't tell someone they look good unless I feel they actually do. If I feel I need to offer some constructive comments I normally use the PM feature.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Check out Jenniferathome, as one example of someone who consistently offers constructive criticism.

Deedee

[Krisi]

"Honesty" is not really the best policy. I don't usually comment on photos unless someone looks really good (to me). Telling someone they look lovely when in fact they could be read by Ray Charles doesn't help them one bit and actually hurts their chances of doing better.

Telling everyone they look lovely ups your post count but does little else.

BTW: I suspect some of these photos are actually of GGs, not the poster.

[Anna H]

I feel if someone wants a critique, they'll usually make it known.

(Critique being different from outright criticism...)

Many of us...myself included...are just trying to participate. Just
a few kind words acknowledging our attempts are often enough to make
our day. We know we're not passing...or even trying.

It's a massively Huge deal for some of us...many!...to even post any picture
at all. We just want to be a part of what's going on.

When someone says "how am I doing?" I'll usually add my opinion. Most
times it's pretty clear what resources they have to work with, and
I'll comment accordingly. A Nice goodwill find for $5 vs a $1000 pair of
shoes may be worthy of the same "They look Great!"

Supporting each other is pretty important, I think. Regardless of how
much time and $$$$ someone can put into what we do.

I also do appreciate the advice given to me. It's always been with
a feeling of kindness and support.

[sanderlay]

For me... It's easier to give advise from what I do, the clothes that I like for my body, as compared to more direct comments. I'm not a fashion expert... just a CD who likes women's clothing.

The story "The Emperor's New Clothes" by Hans Christian Andersen (1837) is a story I remember of being different from what society expected for clothing, in this case invisible clothing, and how others reacted to their Emperor. Would they say to his face what they thought? Were they afraid of what might happen to them if they were truthful? Or did they think this was a new fashion trend?

[Wildaboutheels]

On the rare occasion where I think someone is actually OPEN for constructive input OR conversation on a Forum matter, I prefer to PM them. Plus I have absolutely ZERO experience with probably 95% of what most here go through so who am I to offer advice?

And I concur with you completely. I see way too much sugar coating and I don't think it helps anyone.

But ...most Humans are happiest when rowing with others. It's just Human Nature and nothing more.

[Allison Quinn]

I noticed that too with the few threads I posted there :P
I got a few things but the majority of the comments are like you said the generic "good job" ones

I'm terrible at giving that kind of criticism so I just don't post there often as the you look good posts are usually covered right away xD

but yes if someone is asking for you to be honest please do so, it is more harmful to just say nothing.

[mechamoose]

But.. but...

The person is asking "How do I look?"

They were brave enough to take a pic and post it.. a big deal. They are exposing themselves in front of a 'safe' audience... but there is still that feeling of risk.

Why is there a tendency to dismiss that as just wanting happy answers? In here they get people who *understand* as an audience, why *wouldn't* they want honest feedback?

- MM

[michellekhoo]

Fine line this one. A lot of people on here will be posting photos for the first time and will be feeling self-concious so its important to be prescient of that. Its hard to establish whether people are looking for "Go Gurl!" encouragement or "Meah, not sure about the shoes honey" Always good to sandwich critisism inbetween compliments

[Erica Grace]

As someone who posts "you look great!" a fair amount, I'm doing so just to be supportive and give a compliment even though a lot of others do that too. I'm new to this whole dressing up thing and am also unfortunately a bit colorblind...so criticism from me (or other new girls) just wouldn't make sense. I don't really know much at all and I am here to learn. Just looking for both advice and encouragement and I feel like a large majority of us are too.

I offer what I'm better at, support

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I only reply when the spirits tell me to critique . More than just being a cheerleader, I have taken mental notes of those girls who are making progress in their cd evolution. If you get a reply or pm from me, it usually means that I have recognized your work , applaud your efforts & encourage you to grow in that inner peace. Your recognition from me is genuine & heart felt.

[Eryn]

It is possible to offer constructive criticism without being negative. When given alternatives, talk about the better one. If something doesn't look right suggest a way to make it look better.

The fact is, most people who do post pictures look pretty good in them. They are having fun and sharing it with us. We may not all be supermodels, but we do pretty darned well considering our starting point!

[Jenniferathome]

Honesty will set you free. Honesty may be harsh at times, but it is never cruel. Writing,"You look great," when in fact they do not is not support, it's false hope and sets someone up for failure. If criticism is accepted in the spirit it is given, it can only be positive.

[mechamoose]

I love all the replies, but I think my point is being missed.

Of all the posts I have seen here, MOST of the replies are 'you look great'.

If the poster doesn't say "honest replies only", how do you tell?

It seems the default response is a reinforcing one... there are lots of people here who have stories of things that *didn't* work or things that plainly 'gave you away'. Why aren't we seeing more of those?

- MM

[S. Lisa Smith]

If I am going to post, it will be something positive. If I don't have something positive to say, I don't post a comment. If I think there may be a way to improve someone's look, I will PM her and make my suggestion. As others have said in this thread, it's all in the way you make your comment...

[Jenniferathome]

MM, you do not have to be a lemming. You can share your thoughts and opinions regardless of whether the posters asks for comment. That's the freedom of this forum.

[mechamoose]

I know that. I'm just wondering why those comments are private? Why aren't those up in our public spaces for others to benefit from?

[Allison Quinn]

The PMs I can understand c: It is personal and more comfortable to be talked about in PM it is also easier than checking a forum that may or may not get buried by other threads :P

[Marcelle]

Hi MM,

When I post a picture looking for feedback either on my make-up or a look I always state "Honest opinion please". If I don't see that in the subject line I will provide constructive criticism without being harsh. You can be honest without tearing a person apart. I do add a lot of "looks good" but that is to help bolster a person's confidence. Posting a picture of yourself is not an easy thing . . . so I try to take into account just because someone posts a picture, they may not be looking for an honest opinion just a bit of support to help them along the way.

Hugs

Isha

[Persephone]

I frequently post positive comments, but only when I feel that the photo makes them appear justified. When some particular item jars me and the OP has asked for opinions I will post a comment about what I see that might be changed. If I don't like what I see, or if I am just not in the mood, I will not comment at all.

On the other hand, my own post, An 8-day Week (click here) has drawn 435 reads to date and only 6 replies.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Anna H]

I think the majority of us aren't going out. It may do no good to tell them
they need a different dress or finer shoes. Lots just want to participate
and add what little bit they can with what they have. Having a fine, $$$$
wardrobe is pointless for many who have to stay indoors.

They may just want to add themselves in with the rest of us. To simply
be a part of what we have going on here.

Posting pictures can be as exciting as getting out for some of us. We're
sharing our best kept secrets with our sisters. A kick in the ass can be
dis-heartening to some. It may not be intended that way...but one never
knows how a few words in a forum will come across.

This includes myself. I won't pass. I can't go out. I don't have the best
or coordinating clothes. I just want to show myself and be one of us.
I don't care that my pictures are mediocre. I don't think my friends care
much either. I may be at the best I'll ever get.

A simple "you look Nice" is an acknowledgment that I'm accepted. It's
plenty good enough for many of us. It proves we are a part of things.

No replies. Now that's disappointing.

[mechamoose]

I think the majority of us aren't going out. It may do no good to tell them
they need a different dress or finer shoes. Lots just want to participate
and add what little bit they can with what they have.

Ok, I hadn't looked at it that way.

That makes sense.

Thank you.

- MM

[Jenniferathome]

but Kate, even though you choose to stay inside, don't you want pointers on improving anyway? Is that also not recognition that you are accepted? Someone who actually goes out of their way to help, to me, is far more accepting or caring than a cheerleader.