I frequently wonder about my discomfort going out in the main stream dressed as Rita. I have posted several threads trying to come to an understanding. I greatly dislike it when things don't make sense. I have gotten some advise and encouragement from many of you ladies. "You have come so far so quickly just give it time. You will get there!" Or "It's all about confidence! Fake it until you make it." A solid principle. Having spent a good many years as a commissioned sales person these are practices I'm very familiar with. I have been out many times now. It should be getting easier but it's not.
So that leaves me still wondering. Do I not truly accept myself for who I am? I think I do. I feel like I do. Am I that worried about what strangers think of me? Not usually. In the end I can think of only two things I can point at as a source of discomfort.
First is the bathroom. I am a man. I may like to dress as a woman but in the end I am a sexually active male attracted to women. I feel I have no business in the women's bathroom. It feels as if I'm violating some sanctuary or something. The men's room however, just may not be safe. The other much lessor factor; I dislike being the source of discomfort for another. As I openly evaluate my emotions on it, neither of these feel like enough of an influence to cause the level of discomfort I experience.
This question invariably comes to my mind everytime I take a woman's garment to the fitting room, something I do in male mode regularly with only the slightest discomfort, and that only occasionally. Why can I openly declare myself a cross dresser by trying on dresses, shoes and other articles or walking around with painted fingers and toe,s but the thought of being out fully presenting takes every bit of self control to not run screaming?
There I am in the dressing room at Ross. Looking in the mirror as I try on clothes. I think "This is so you"! And suddenly it dawns on me. As much as I love dressing up as Rita, as much fun as I have dancing with my wife and hanging with the other girls, as much as I love to look in the mirror and see Rita looking back at me, that's not really me. That's playing dress up. And I do love to. But this...*waves his hands up and down in front of himself* is who I am deep down inside. Not really a woman. Not really a man. Some odd happy little hybrid.
I do need to be Rita some times. I even need to go out as Rita sometimes. (Thank you Jamie And Laura G for providing that outlet) but this is who I truly am! This is how I NEED to live. Yes I can "fake it until I feel comfortable" but why?
Hug
Rita