Your kids crossdressing

[Millie.Graham]

Hi,

I am new here. I left an intro in the intro threads. But wanted to kick off my first official discussion here. A few days ago I saw a thread about a mother not wanting to see her son in a dress (an Elsa dress). That triggered some thoughts that I wanted to discuss. You see my wife knows that I struggle with crossdressing and last we discussed it we agreed it was something I was not going to do. So I find it nothing short of ironic that my wife does not have a problem when my son and daughter play dress up and switch clothes and I do.

Her reasoning is they are just playing and if you don't make a big deal of it, it won't ever be an issue and something that develops into a desire later in life. I fear that it will, I don't want my son to live with the same internal struggles that I have (though, I know he will always have a father who will be by his side regardless of his decisions in life, something I didn't necessarily have.

I was just wondering if any of you have had these thoughts and discussions within your own familes and where did you arrive at?

Thank you,

Millie

[Rachelakld]

I never played Crossdress up as a kid (cowboy, marines, super heroes yes), but I do play crossdress up now.
My teenage daughters sometimes wears my mens shirts and jumpers, but we never make an issue of it - does that count?

[Joanne f]

Hello Millie,
your wife understands that there is a big difference in the meanings between children playing dressup and an adult playing dressup ,children are just playing whereas an adult is doing it for a specific reason so your wife is happy to let your children play but may not understand the reason why you want to dress up and may not even want to know why you do as this may frighten her a bit , unfortunately the key to this is communication and if you cannot chat with your wife about it then I understand the difficult situation that you are in .

[PaulaQ]

You see my wife knows that I struggle with crossdressing and last we discussed it we agreed it was something I was not going to do.

Hi Millie. The bad news is that you are unlikely to keep this promise. Virtually NONE of us do. I stopped for 15-16 years during my marriage. Unfortunately, it started back up, and I'm transitioning now. This is really not anything you can stop through sheer force of will. There is no therapy for it, either medication based, or talk therapy based. There is no treatment to eliminate cross dressing.

Her reasoning is they are just playing and if you don't make a big deal of it, it won't ever be an issue and something that develops into a desire later in life. I fear that it will, I don't want my son to live with the same internal struggles that I have (though, I know he will always have a father who will be by his side regardless of his decisions in life, something I didn't necessarily have.

There's no way to know which way it will go with your son. You should also know that it doesn't actually matter what you do - either your course of action, your wife's, or something you see on TV. If your son or daughter is a cross dresser, or otherwise transgendered, they most likely, as best as science can tell, already have this tendency, and it'll happen regardless of what you do as a parent.

My advice to you is:
1. Read up more on CDing here, and realize that you need to renegotiate this with your wife. What you are doing now is going to be a future broken promise. I'm VERY sorry to inform you of this, and I'm very sincere about it. There are a ton of threads on how to talk to your wife about it. But you need to learn about it first.

2. Let your kids play, and provided they aren't hurting themselves or others, just ignore it. Probably nothing gender related will happen. If it does, be an awesome parent and be supportive of them.

A lot of stuff you just have to leave up to God.

[trisha kobichenko]

Hi Millie,
This is interesting to me since I first felt the desire to crossdress around age 8. Couldn't tell you if it was 'just playing', but I can tell you that 59 years later i am still crossdressing.
Where your son lands on the 'gender spectrum' is beyond your control, it's already in his makeup (no pun intended). Your son is fortunate to have a father who will always be there for him!

Hugs,
Trish

[Daisy41]

There really is no way to know what your children are thinking when they dress up (well, you could obviously ask). At the very impressionable age of 4 I was sneaking on a pair of mary janes. It wasn't just "playing" back then, I really wanted to wear girl clothing and I couldn't understand why I couldn't. You have no control over what this turns into for your children - it may be just dress up, it may develop it something else. I agree with everyone else, if you believe this is over for yourself, you're going have some rough times ahead of you.

At any rate, don't make a big deal about it now, don't make a big deal about it later. Love them unconditionally.

[Kate T]

My personal belief is that gender identity is genetic / inherent and only very marginally influenced by environment. It's not a matter of desire but of identity.
Smy kids can wear whatever they like. To an extent so can I. Yes I agree it is somewhat ironic as if your wife believes that it is only play and has no influence on gender expression later in life then exactly how does she think you developed a non conventional gender expression? Based on that reasoning you must have been made to dress up in princess dresses your whole childhood. Certainly wasn't the case for me.
So my kids can wear whatever they like. To an extent so can I. Do I think it will influence their gender identity in any way? Not really. They are who they are, and I will love them forever.
Children dress up as heroes and characters. Is it any wonder that the little fella wanted to dress up as Elsa. I mean she has an ice castle that she made with her ice powers for crying out loud. Who doesn't want to be Elsa?

[Marcelle]

Hi Millie,

When it comes to children playing dress-up, children dressing up in the opposite clothes will not automatically make them a cross dresser when they grow up any more then dressing up as pirate for play will lead them to the Jolly Roger .

Seriously sweetie, you have nothing to worry about. With the exception of a broad understanding of gender (girls are different from boys) children really do not have a full cognitive understanding of gender and dressing up will not trigger gender confusion . . . nine times out of ten it is what it is . . . playing. However, if a child is truly TG it is already a fait accompli and regardless of whether they play dress-up at a young age or not . . . they will play dress-up (to some degree) later in life when the desire takes hold.

I know your wife's logic may seem ironic to you but she is most likely right in that your children are just playing. She obviously is not comfortable with your CDing but then again it is a reasonable reaction to an unusual (in her eyes) situation. We say it all the time (kind of a CDer mantra) . . . communication. You say she says CDing is something you won't be doing. Does that mean she forbids you or just does not want to see it? My advice is to discuss you CDing and come so some sort of accord that you can both live with.

Hugs

Isha

[wanda66]

Your handling it just great, you're a great DAD....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Millie, I started about 67yrs. ago and it just keeps getting better.
There's no way of knowing which way your son will go.

[Cheryl T]

Wish I had a dime for all the times I said I wasn't going to dress again....!


That being said, let the kids play. Your inclinations are no influence (especially if they are unaware) and I firmly believe that all this is genetic based. If your son does in fact show dressing tendencies then so be it. Let him be his own person. In today's world there is so much more information available that I wish I had when I was young. I would not have hated myself for decades and felt I was a freak. I would have realized this is part of me and accepted myself much much sooner and been better off for it.

[Annaliese]

Your son may or may not become a CD, not because he and his sister change clothes, if he became a CD it because he was born that way, it something we do not have a say in. Like you, you were born this way, and you don't have a choose in it.

[bridget thronton]

I still recall being told boys do not wear blue glasses when I got my first pair at age 9 - i never put arbitrary limits on my own kids (I would never presume to tell someone else what is best for their kids)

[Lexi Moralas]

I am right there with you ! I wouldn't want my son to struggle with the same challenges we all do

[Tiffanyselkoe]

My wife and I have been totally honest regarding my crossdressing and my reasoning behind it. We have also made it very clear that we will love them no matter what direction life may take them. The acceptance from my own family makes me want to be accepting of their differences also.

[JenniferR771]

If sister's clothes were the problem--how come--so many of us with brothers still became crossdressers?

I think it is inborn. But it is not genetic--doesn't run in families. I think.

[DebbieL]

Having one of my kids dress up in the opposite gender never concerned me much, as long as it was in public. I would be more concerned if they tried to hide it from me. This would be a concern because it would be a strong indicator that they are struggling with gender and don't feel safe talking about it.

My parents knew that I cross-dressed. They knew I wanted to be a girl. My mother even discussed it with her therapist. That's when things changed.

She was told that the "Cure" for people like me would be shock therapy daily for a few MONTHS, and if that didn't work, a lobotomy. Back in the 1960s, doctors could loose their license for assisting with SRS at any level, even just the orchiectomy. On the other hand, it was perfectly ethical to destroy the mind and turn me into a vegetable. Even back then, they knew that the suicide rates for transsexuals was very high.

After my mom found out about this "treatment", she told me that I had to keep it a secret and not tell ANYONE. I continued to dress, but had to resort to stealing things out of my mother's drawers or the dirty clothes hamper. Eventually, she came up with a way to tell me what I could have, so that I wouldn't have to steal things. She was more concerned about the dishonesty than the dressing.

It was really frustrating that I could not talk to anyone. I suffered from asthma that was aggravated by emotional stress. I saw a number of therapists and family counselors, but each time I brought up my desire to be a girl, something that took all the courage I could muster to bring up, they told me that we couldn't even talk about it and that I should never bring it up again. Again, they were protecting me from "The Cure".

Fortunately, my kids turned out fine, and so did my grand-children. The kids learned that they could talk to me about anything. When my daughter asked for a pair of handcuffs for her 18th birthday, I smiled and said "you are my daughter", and gave her the handcuffs for her birthday. My son wanted a riding crop for his 21st birthday (same year). I was amused and relieved, because I knew that they had come to terms with their special desires and that they were comfortable discussing them with me.

[Katey888]

Millie,

I think the vast majority here believe experientially, that what we do is not just a learned trait - although some events or activities may reinforce it over time... Most believe and feel this is something much deeper than that - something that goes right to the core of an individual's personality.

If you don't have it, you can't be given it - and if you've got it, there ain't no cure for it either!

I take the view that if either of my sons came out with this or something else, it's a parents responsibility to support them whatever it is - and any future world is hopefully gong to be a lot more accepting of these conditions than society in our youth...

Accept your wife's view and simply enjoy your children growing up... It's over all too quickly...

Katey x

PS. Don't be too influenced by some of the more extreme views you'll come across here or in other places...

[Confucius]

You raise several issues:
1. Your son playing dress-up: Answer is "depends". There may, or may not, be any reason to be alarmed. For the vast majority of boys playing dress-up will have no long term affect upon him. However, if he just loves to play dress-up and even dresses up without his sister prompting, then you have some reason for alarm. Even so, he needs to relish the female role for a reason. Does he think that girls have it better in life than boys? Does his dress-up play include male roles such as super heroes? Does he prefer male toys or female toys? Does he respond well to praise for doing boy things? And always critical - how old is your boy? If he is school age then he should be told that boys don't play dress up in girls clothes. Finally, environmental factors only go so far in determining his gender identification. You will love him and protect him just because he is your son.

2. Cross-dressing is something you decided not to do. Really??? I wonder how long that will work. I know web sites aimed at quitting cross-dressing http://healingcd.wordpress.com/ . However, I find that it is nearly impossible. Your brain is hardwired to release dopamine and other neurotransmitters when you just fantasize about cross-dressing. So stopping requires you to reprogram your brain. And that will require years of reinforcement.

Most likely your brain was hard-wired during early childhood, and even then you may have already been genetically predisposed toward toward this gender identification. Good luck to you. I think you are being a wonderful husband and caring father.

[Jaylyn]

I really don't think there's a problem there with your son. My wife dressed all four of our kids in costumes at there young ages and they entered in parades, and school plays and etc. My three girls turned out all girl despite them wearing men's clothing working on the farm and helping with the chores. My son turned out very macho man despite being raised with three sisters that he had to help curl hair and even helped paint toe nails and nails for. The girls kept him interested in the other girls in their classes at school that he was crushing on as they call it, he helped them get the dates with the popular guys they always were crushing on. All the kids are now over thirty and all turned out successful in careers and leaders in their respective communities. Really despite my wife's mother goose parades and Peter Pan one act plays. Never caught any of them CD or being anything but just kids growing up in a loving type home. Love ing them is the key here. Put expectations in their school work. Don't be saddened or cruel if they don't meet your expectations but do set boundaries on curfews, and still let them make a few mistakes on their own and let them pay their own speeding tickets etc. Teach them responsibility and let them know you love them. They will be fine. I taught in the Public school system nearly thirty years and can say keep them off drugs by keeping them involved in school activities. It will almost kill you and your wife running them to practices and such but they will love yeah for it later. Remember they will be picking your nursing home later..... Lol

[Teresa]

Millie, My Cding started about 8-9 years and I remember trying to avoid dress up games I guess even then I didn't want to give the game away, perhaps the early release of testosterone made me blush heavily had something to do with it.
Your Cding issues are a separate entity to your children so don't worry too much about them, sorting your issues out with your wife could affect them far more if they don't get resolved.

[CynthiaD]

My kids are all grown up and free to make their own decisions in life. If that includes crossdressing, it's fine with me.

[mechamoose]

I believe that if you prevent your kids from making certain choices, then they never really get to work things out for themselves. They take on the 'rules' they are given and hide things that don't fit in order to please the parent. (up to a certain age, anyway.. single digits)

I say let them play, and if they get odd reactions, then support them and talk to them about it. Tell them why you think they are getting that reaction. *inform* them. Tell them it is still up to them.

It may just be a phase, but it may not be. Teach them to think for themselves.

I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Tori Amos - "Winter"

- MM

[Nadine Spirit]

Interesting ideas...

I do think you can stop cross dressing if you choose to, but I do not think you can rid yourself of the desires to do so. That continued desire may make you change your choices.

Does anything that you allow or not allow your child to do encourage or discourage cross dressing? I don't think so.

I know that nobody wants their children to suffer or have a difficult life but can you prevent all of them? Would it be wise to even begin to try and do that?

[mechamoose]

Does anything that you allow or not allow your child to do encourage or discourage cross dressing? I don't think so.

I have to respectfully disagree. As a parent, you have *every* chance to provide a nurturing *or* stifling environment for your kids.

I know that nobody wants their children to suffer or have a difficult life but can you prevent all of them? Would it be wise to even begin to try and do that?

I'm willing to let my kids fail. (My wife still struggles with this idea) You learn more from your failures than your successes. If I saved my kids every time they were going to crash into the rocks, then what did they learn? If/when they crash will I scoop them up off those rocks and tend their wounds? Absolutely!

It isn't about how many times you fall down, it's about how many times you get UP.