A fox in the henhouse

[mechamoose]

I have really enjoyed my time here. You are a bunch of wonderful people. You have been open and accepting, and I have never gotten a single negative comment.

It seems to me that the majority of you are or want to be full time girls. That is awesome. I respect you and see that you have a TON of courage for putting yourselves out that way. That takes a lot of 'balls'.

I'm not quite where most of your seem to be. (Big surprise, right?) I'm not a guy, I'm not a girl, I'm something in between. Role-wise, I identify as female. Body-wise, I'm beast who does martial arts and mountain biking and enjoys getting roughed up & sweaty.

I see a bunch of folks here who are just coming out or just discovering their issues with gender norms and identity. Some have freedom to express themselves, some have to hide.

So, where do I fit here?

I'm questioning the feeling that I get that the default aim is to transition or pass. That "being a girl" is the goal. Why is that? Why isn't there something in between? The site name is 'crossdressers.com', not 'iwannabeagirl.com'. Isn't this place about validation and exploring how we see our identities? About how we appreciate and enjoy being pretty, which happens to work against our natural gender presentation?

Is it purely a population issue? Am I so much in a minority that most of you don't understand where I am? I have to wonder if there isn't a segment of our folks who might be in my position who get pushed in one direction or another based on the social pressure to present as a girl?

Like I said, I have never recieved a single negative comment from any of you. Having said that, I feel disconnected from a lot of you, that my posts are just 'noise' in the pink fog.

I *am* a crossdresser. I wear girl stuff every day. When I get home from work I bail out of my guy gear and put on a skirt and cami because it *feels right*.

>confused<

I'm feeling kind of isolated, and I don't think I *should* be, especially here.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

<3

-MM

[Rachael Leigh]

With this aspect of ourselves we all question what, why, how. I do all the time. I still can't believe I ever even joined this group. I never wanted others to see Leigh and just wanted it private, it is still that way in a lot of ways but there is just something about the folks here that help me feel better, like I'm not this crazy person who dresses in strange clothes.
I still doubt I will ever understand why I enjoy dressing and all the other things I do that is considered a girls thing.
So here I am and most likely will stay

[paulawilder]

I've been in and out of feeling good about being somewhere between male and female for years. Whenever I can, I dress female and I'm much happier. When I can't, I seem to fall into depression or mood swings. Being female is good for my soul and my psyche, even though it's dress up and not gender change. I'm happy being male, who has a female side. It's the best for me, so you are definitely not alone! Smile, and enjoy the company of your sisters!

[Anna H]

You're fitting in Nicely! We're every-single-one different.

You raise Great points and make Great posts!

Don't let the "standard" fog get to ya! That's for the regular peoples...lol!

[Michelle789]

Where ever you are on the CD spectrum is okay. We're all welcome here

I don't think a majority here are full-time girls or want to be full-time girl. Many here are closet CDs and many here only underdress or partially dress. There are a lot who fully dress privately, and there are those who fully dress and go out en femme. Those who wish to be girls full-time are transsexuals, not cross-dressers, and there are a few of us here. Some of us here are TS and don't know yet or are still fighting it.

Those of us who try to pass in public get more attention here, and we tend to be more vocal, and post more pics of ourselves. Trust me there are plenty of CDs who don't try to pass publicly and like to dress either partially or fully at home, and it's okay to do that. It's okay to be a cross-dresser. You're not alone.

Now me personally I am a TS and am probably going to transition, and we're the minority here. But you're not in the minority being a closet CD - there are still plenty here on this forum, I promise

[sunnysideup]

Mecha, I really appreciate your post. As a SO to a CD (I just found out recently), I have been trying to research so I can better understand my boyfriend. When I found these forums, I was ecstatic- a place for me to learn and grow so I can be as supportive of my man as I can be, woo hoo! Throughout my browsing of the forums (well, the parts I can see, anyway...my post count is really low, as I'm trying to only give quality input in my posts) I have too noticed this trend. I don't believe it to be a bad thing at all; I am a sociology major and I am very knowledgeable and accepting (if I do say so myself) of people, including the entire LGBT community, no matter what "level" of the spectrum an individual happens to identify with. After all, we are all human beings and we ALL deserve that respect.

As far as how you feel about your "place" here on the forums, I can see why you feel that way...it does seem that many of the more active posters are maybe in a different "level" of the spectrum than what you feel you identify with. I can't answer as to why that may be... perhaps, even in this day and age, people who feel they belong to "two" genders are still feeling like they need to isolate and hide. It's becoming more "accepted" (and I use that term loosely, as our society has a LONG way to go) to come out as gay, bi, trans...maybe those who feel they are just sort of in the middle don't feel they will be accepted by anyone, even inside the more open communities, such as LGBT. Before I found this site I also noticed that crossdressers aren't necessarily always seen in a positive light by the LGBT community, even...but of course, the same could be said of any sort of identity in any sort of social community...there are always "bad seeds" who just will never be happy, resorting to resenting and admonishing others to try to make themselves feel better. But I digress...I hope some others have some thought provoking opinions and information, because now I'm curious, too!

[Robin777]

Mechamoose,

I just want to say that you are welcome here. I am somewhat like you,I like to come home from work and most nights I like to dress. for me it is a stress reliever.

I don't think everyone's ultimate goal here is to transition or pass. I joined so I could get a better understanding why I do this. Plus to be somewhere where there is more people like me. I also do not believe what you have to share is lost in a pink fog. I believe everyone's voice is heard here.

[mechamoose]

I'm a flagrant, shameless pansexual. I got introduced to the LGBT community WAY before I discovered that I was female inside.

'accepted' is *wonderful*. You have all been that. /hug

*understood*? Kindred spirits? That is different.

I'm wondering how much you/we/us *suppress* those who walk between the lines?

[Wildaboutheels]

"Looks" along with the "flavor" of "most" of the posts here... can be quite deceiving.

What you "see" here [at this MtF anyway] only tells a small piece of the story.

I think the real story is in the "hard data" [and not people's opinions] that this site provides and I believe they do it for a reason.

It might not be a "cure" for what ails you. And you might have already noted it?

There is all kinds of #s down at the bottom of ANY page...

Click on the word Forum under the pink and blue Logo and then click on MtF. At the bottom of that page, you will see total# viewing the entire MtF Forum as well as ratio of members/guests. At different times of the day that # AND ratio can change dramatically for a number of reasons. At any given time, just one thread of the MtF can have 10 to 15 folks viewing, many of them members not signed in for varying reasons. And of course some members do ALL of their surfing and posting cloaked but they are pretty easy to "figure out" if you look at the same info at the bottom of any particular thread. You will also notice that some folks refuse to be the first to respond and some folks rarely post but do a lot of reading based on how long they stay at a thread.

The way those #s fluctuate and change along with views to a PARTICULAR thread [regardless of # of responses] give a more accurate picture. I think at least half ARE like you but choose to keep quiet because...

"Why Rock the Boat"?

"Fitting in" and wanting to be accepted is simply Human Nature.

So I say post away. SOME will [and do] read what you have to say and some will be able to use it.

Those with open minds anyway.

[sunnysideup]

Great points, mecha. The first thing that comes to my mind is society as a whole is very suppressive...look at our gendered restrooms! Pick a side, any side, but it'd better be the "correct" side *eyeroll*. I know in California there are laws that protect against this; if you use the restroom that you are presenting yourself to be, then you can't get into trouble. Still...I don't like the whole idea of it. I have had the inherent privilege since birth of being born a female, so you're right, I personally do not understand the struggles that people in this community have to face day to day. I can go to school, work, in public, wherever and just use the restroom...it's something I don't even have to think about anymore. But for someone who can't do that, for the fear of being judged or shamed, or even worse...GETTING IN TROUBLE for doing something that we ALL must do...use the restroom! Of course, this is just one example of how our society likes to shove us into these perfect little boxes...and there are less apparent situations that occur every day, like simple interactions with the public at the bank, store, wherever. I'd imagine that not EVERYONE means to suppress and turn against those that seem "different" to them...it might just be the very shock of seeing someone or something that they have not been socialized to. But again, there are always those trolls, those "bad seeds" who want to keep shoving us into the boxes...their way, or the highway, nothing else is correct! It makes me sad

[mechamoose]

Great points, mecha. The first thing that comes to my mind is society as a whole is very suppressive...

Thank you, but I'm not asking about "society as a whole", I'm asking about *US*, *HERE*.

I have had friends beaten up for being 'fairy'. I get that risk.

I want to understand why I feel like one of only a few who are a 'dude in a dress'.

Why is that odd?

[suchacutie]

I have to admit that you seem to fit in here perfectly. I've been here for a while and even though many talk about their girl sides, very few will or want to transition. Those of us who don't ever plan to lose that male part of us (which I really feel is the majority) enjoy hearing about those who are because it better helps each of us to move forward in whichever way we want. I really like my girl side, Tina, but she'll never be my whole life.

Thanks for this thread as it's good for well of us to keep perspective and to see how our words are interpreted.

[mechamoose]

Then please suchacutie..

SPEAK UP!

I don't have many confidence issues, and *I* have been feeling like an outcast. How do you think those of us who have doubts are reacting?

This place isn't (and shouldn't be) all about passing as a girl.

<3

- MM

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Mechamoose, imagine being a SO of a crossdresser here, especially when you're not so in love with this side of your husband. When I first read here, I thought I'd found the wrong place! Almost everyone writes like they're one dress away from transitioning. If it wasn't for the lovely members who've messaged me and shared their stories, I'd never know there were other men here like my H. Here, he's even more of a minority than you. He doesn't identify as female AT ALL. He just likes to present as one occasionally, but he's still the same person.

Funny thing is, I've since realised that he is in the majority almost everywhere else. Perhaps this forum just attracts those further along the spectrum because it doesn't allow all the fantasy/sex stuff? Believe me, when you get into that area, the number of men fessing up to this proclivity is astounding, lol

Anyway, you're not the only one who's noticed this, but you're definitely not the only one like you here

[Anna H]

I don't get the impression that the majority here are at the
borders of transitioning. I think most are very aware of the reality
of what we're doing.

It's fun to talk about it and some may get the impression that it's
all we ever think about, but it's a thing that comes and goes for lots
of us. There are a few threads right now about the general lack
of interest in dressing up "full throttle".

Some will always be in the so-called "pink fog" and some will always
be getting over it.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something? I think there are very, very
few of us thinking of transitioning?

[sanderlay]

MM,

I do understand what you mean and I feel it as well. But I have felt a change in society, in especially the younger crowd, of those who ignore binary thinking as it relates to gender expression. So I feel more acceptance coming as a society with the younger crowd leading the way. Some embrace an androgynous look which is similar to what I'm trying to achieve.

As far as myself relates here I'm not a stereotypical CD either. I'm not trying to look female and pass. I'm not TS because I have not modified my body or plan to. I do fit under the TG umbrella. But because I have a male body and I wear female clothes society calls me a CD. Which means I am CD but just not one that needs to pass as female. Again I believe this relates to binary thinking which is hard to let go of.

As far as this forum goes I post where I can give some input as it relates to my life. Sure... some of our goals are different. But we do share some things in common, like putting on female clothes, feeling those stares as we go out side, tolerance issues, respect issues, etc... And I am leaving out GD, gender dysphoria, which we mostly share in common, but perhaps not all.

Perhaps some don't feel this is the right path for them, even though they may feel the same. They want a better way to blend in. I totally understand that. Each of us has to walk our own path and find out what is best for themselves, their life. None of us knows all the answers. All I ask for is tolerance and respect for each other as we all walk our own individual paths, all of us are humans.

[Stephanie Voorhees]

MM,

I know exactly where you're coming from. I rarely post here because I feel I don't fit in. My femme side is practically non existant. I'm a guy. I like being a guy. I like doing guy things. I just happen to like women's clothes. Not because they make me feel girly or pretty, but because I like them. Why I prefer women's clothes over men's clothes, I have no clue. I have a beard which I refuse to shave, I don't pluck my eyebrows, hell, I rarely even wear makeup (I do shave my legs though). I guess you could call me the stereotypical "dude in a dress" and you would be right in doing so. I have a feeling though that there are more people here like me that are "lurking in the shadows" like I mostly do. I hope this helps somewhat.

[Wildaboutheels]

One can choose to ignore the #s here. One can choose to ignore the P&V gallery here and what keeps it afloat. One can choose to not EVER visit any profiles.

It's kinda hard to miss noticing "handles" or names. They are almost always a dead giveaway.

They CAN BE just clothes to some regardless of the oft repeated FORUM MYTH that "It's never just about the clothes".

And the REALITY of this site is that with very few exceptions, almost all here went through the O phase. Or are still in it. Which is where they very likely became "addicted". Our brains simply are not going to let men break that "association".

[tfguy]

Perhaps this forum just attracts those further along the spectrum because it doesn't allow all the fantasy/sex stuff? Believe me, when you get into that area, the number of men fessing up to this proclivity is astounding, lol

I am a guy that is sexually attracted to female clothing, especially lingerie, hose, maid outfits, corsets, etc. I was/am ashamed of it and my wife is no fan, but I do think/hope with some more time (she learned about a year ago) she will come around. In the meantime, I was told not to bring it up and to give her time and every time it comes up the clock until she can be accepting of it seems to restart. Since I love her tremendously, she is the love of my life and an amazing person, I do my best to respect her wishes, including not dressing, which I have abided by since she learned of my proclivity, prior to that I very rarely dressed out of shame - maybe three times in 6 years, when the urge returned after an ~8 year period without the urge). Anyway, the point of this post is that Mechamoose, I can relate to your feeling of being in the minority here and its isolating effects. I lurk and read the portions that apply/interest me. Despite the minority of my position I still appreciate this site, it is like no other. Also, Tinkerbell GG thanks for mentioning how common you think it is.

Best wishes to all.

[Millie.Graham]

Mecha,

Even though I am only a couple of days into my membership. I have been reading here for a few months. I have never found you to be a minority or out of place. I have enjoyed reading your input. I am still trying to figure out where I lay on the TG spectrum, there are a couple of things I have figured out. I know transition is not on my roadmap, that just isn't who I am and we all definitely fall somewhere on a very large spectrum. I can't relate to everybody on every issue, but I definitely have been learning and becoming more comfortable with myself as I learn that there are others who share some of the same experiences and thoughts that I do.

I think you fit in nicely here.

-Millie

[jaleecd]

MM
I have been on this site for many years, logging in daily, and enjoying the people who bring their vision of this urge. I have seen many come and go, some that were asked to not come back, some who transisitioned and felt they had no more use for this group, and a vast majority who like me wear various items of femme garb, mostly under my male clothes. I am in my seventys, about six foot tall, and tip the scales at 235#s. the world is not ready to see a tall pregnant granny, so I have no desire to go public with my dressing activietys. I do know that there are many of us on this site, but are very quiet about themselves and their activietys.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Tfguy, as a sexual act, I've heard as high as 10% of men enjoy some level of CDing. I assume those who are trans is much lower, but sexually it's apparently very common and I personally believe it! As a mom, and with access to the ear of other moms and their kids, I can say that the amount of boys in my small group alone who are caught dressing in moms/sisters/cousins clothing is staggering. I'm realising this is a fairly natural curiosity for many boys. I'm not surprised - our clothing is lovely and still off limits to boys which surely makes them more appealing? They're also one of the obvious ways boys get to feel close to women until they're grown enough for real women.

Anyway, that's just a mom observation. As a wife, I still struggle like your wife does, but I'm still married and I still love him so I think it's possible to live with something you don't love about another person if you can figure out boundaries, communication etc. And despite being a minority here, I have found good help with all this. I'm feeling far more positive about my marriage than before I joined

And check out Dan Savage if you want confirmation that your 'kink' is actually pretty ordinary, lol

[trisha kobichenko]

hi,
at the risk of being viewed as flippant, you need to relax. I am probably smack dab in the middle of the gender ID scale...teach martial arts, present as male to the world, love riding my v-twin every chance I get, and dress whenever I can. I love dressing up, so you are not the Lone Ranger here. The key for me was realizing who I am and accepting it, regardless of others opinions of whether that is appropriate or not.
Hugs,
Trish

[Rianna Humble]

It seems to me that the majority of you are or want to be full time girls.

Hi MM, are you sure that your point of view hasn't been skewed by the number of threads you have joined recently in the Transsexual Forum?

You are welcome to post wherever you want, but it is true that you will probably find a majority of members in that forum who are either TS or TS questioning.

My experience of the MtF forum has always seemed to be that most of the members were more like you, changing into some women's clothing perhaps at the end of the day or maybe some other time but for the enjoyment not because they want to be or are in fact a woman.

Of course, in any population, you will find differences and I know that there are some here who like to take what they see as a kind of fantasy that little bit further and spend time going out and about dressed just as I know there are large numbers who wouldn't ever dream of stepping outside the house in women's clothing.

[Jenny Elwood]

MM if you were wondering if you are whacky enough to fit in with this bunch, I am happy to give you the assurance that you are! Now please don't use any of that martial-arts on me as I suppose I'm your opposite: role wise I am male and happy to be that, but body-wise not into all that "beastly" stuff you talk about.