I Knew It Would Happen One Day

[Joanne08]

conversations since last Tuesday. Not at all about CDing but the fact I revealed that I crossdress, we have released a wall between us that has allowed us to talk about our lives in ways we never have. She wanted to go back and talk about a very sensitive and heavy subject that she has refused to really address head on, the death of her son. We took out his school work and artwork and read a lot of it together. It was incredible how much she released and talked about her feelings. I am so emotionally moved by the whole situation as well. I have very recently lost my Dad and am about to lose Mom. We were able to continue our conversation about the direction of our life and the fabulous potentials lie before us. Really, really connecting and talking about us.

She had prefaced all of these wonderful discussions with, "I'm not ready to talk about about you know what. I don't know what to think yet." This actually took the pressure off and enabled the truth flow. She asked me to treat her like a Queen. I made love to her, took her to breakfast, did the dishes, cooked her a pot roast her way, got the cat groomed (totally her job, I take care of the dog), took off her shoes and kissed her feet. Actually I had a great time. She went out after an easy morning and bought about 10 peices of clothing and insisted on showing me and my sister, who dropped in while she was gone. She bought skirts and blouses that were similar styles that I admitted were ones that appealed to me!! She then pulled out a skirt that was similar to one that I had suggested she buy becuase I liked it while Christmas shopping. She then proceeds to give a velvet black shirt with exquisit buttons to my sister, Wow! what a score, sis says. Indeed! Then my queen says these two other things are for her GG friend. The rest are for work. OK, all very nice things. She's torturing me. After my sister leaves to go out to her car for a few minutes she bring the skirt out and says,"Feel the weight of this skirt, it's so well made." So I did, not an unusual thing in our relationship, we do buy each other clothes. Looked at her and held it to my waist and said that it would fit me. She gave me an odd little smile and said not to do that. I handed it back and she just looked in my eyes and went and put it away.

I abolutely positively undeniably am greatful this is out to her. Even if she wants no part of my other half our life is much better already.

Thanks everyone for your support.


Love, Jo

[Joanne08]

not about CDing. i think she is a very clever girl. Let's get everything cleared up between us first, then we'll talk about you. This seems to be the way it's going.

[DonnaT]

Good luck Joanne. I hope you get to talking about you soon.

[KellyT]

I told my wife about my crossdressing last October. She was very calm and supportive (probably because I broke down in floods of tears). I love her so much that I didn't want to keep secrets from her. It was seriously affecting my moods by having such a big "secret" hanging over me.
Since telling her we haven't really spoken about it much but she did sit with me and helped me choose some nice feminine lingerie. She even lets me borrow a couple of her sweaters,(as long as I don't stretch them) and her scarves. This is all fantastic and way more than I could've hoped for a year ago, but there are a lot of things I do have to take really slowly too, which is totally understandable.

[Joanne08]

about CDing yet. My wife went out shopping again and bought several new bra's. She came home and modeled them to show me. They were pretty, sensible and conservative white and offwhite. She almost begins to apologize for them not being real sexy but that she needed good support and good fitting bras. So I said, "there is nothing wrong with the way they look, heck, I'd wear that style." Well, she pulled her top on and said, "don't say that!", with a glaring stare. I tell you, she seems to be mildly torturing me.

I think she is going to take a while before we really can talk about this. Based upon what little we have discussed specifically about CDing she needs a basic education. I'm going to copy some things from the internet and have them ready when we do get into it.

Meanwhile all is going well at home and our realtionship.

Thanks for all of your support.

Love, Jo

[Marla GG]

I think she is going to take a while before we really can talk about this. Based upon what little we have discussed specifically about CDing she needs a basic education. I'm going to copy some things from the internet and have them ready when we do get into it.

Joanne, that is an excellent plan. I wouldn't push anything on her, but being prepared with some good information will make things a lot easier when the time comes.

Do look out for signs that she is wanting to sweep it all under the rug and forget about it. Even if she ultimately decides that she doesn't want to participate in any way, it's important that CDing doesn't become a taboo subject. So don't allow silence to prevail for too long....at least try to bring it up, gently, from time to time so she doesn't lapse into denial. That will do neither of you any good.

Best of luck to both of you!

[Joanne08]

Joanne, that is an excellent plan. I wouldn't push anything on her, but being prepared with some good information will make things a lot easier when the time comes.

Do look out for signs that she is wanting to sweep it all under the rug and forget about it. Even if she ultimately decides that she doesn't want to participate in any way, it's important that CDing doesn't become a taboo subject. So don't allow silence to prevail for too long....at least try to bring it up, gently, from time to time so she doesn't lapse into denial. That will do neither of you any good.

Best of luck to both of you!

Thanks Marla, I actually was thinking of a post you made a couple of days ago with some advice about your favorite links. I was going to start there. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love, Jo

[LisaRaye]

I am so happy for you Joanne, Im glad that you feel alittle less stressed. It will get better for you if she loves you that much. For me I told my gf 10yrs ago she was hurt in the begining but came around after awhile, now we play dress up and do all kind of things. I have to stay I was happy when I told her now I dont have to hide it anymore what a great feeling. but I wish you and your the best of luck.

[Joanne_'jojo']

You are both certainly going in the right direction.

I've just started through almost the same as you. I had all sorts of information website links etc ready, the only downside in my plan was that I got found out before I could bring up the subject.
My wife has been great, is very understanding and 'accepting' in my words if not in hers. She says she has a way to go before she is ready to see clothes etc, but we have already done facials together and I get to paint my toes now, which is a huge step for me.
We have purchased makeup together, the good stuff, wow is that ever worth the money.
Things will happen in thier own time, and not neccessarily in the order you might think.

Keep the communication open.

I just had a couple of days where I felt the all this was a huge burden on my wife and I wasnt being a good husband or father.
It turns out after we talked about it, that I really wasnt giving her the credit she deserved and she is far more accepting of this than I 'was'. (Her "understanding" helped me loosen up a little.)
As a result the boundaries moved a little further out and I have a little more freedom.

Baby baby steps.

Joanne.

[Holly]

Joanne, my heart is with you. I hope you really heed Marla's advice and not allow the subject to be swept under the carpet. You're going to have to exercise great sensitivity and at the same time be firm with gentleness. I think it it amazing that you have connected with your wife in a deeper way since your CDing was made known to her. I would hope the fact that you have been there to help her work through her unresolved issues surrounding the death of her son would open her eyes as well to the fact that you have an unresolved issue that needs mutual attention as well. Please do keep us informed.

[KimberlyS]

Joanne, I am so glad that you and your Wife have started the communication. Communication, IMHO, is a big thing missing in many relationships. I also agree with Marla's advice and not allow the subject to be swept under the carpet. But I will also say you are doing very well at letting her lead getting to the cding discussion. She seems to be working her way there and it may be good not to push her. But some things you may want to do is to tell your wife that when every she is ready to talk you will be very open and honest with her. Another thing you can do is offer her some information and resources for herself. One big issue my wife had was having no-one to talk with and another one was when she looked for information on the web, alot of the bad information is found first which made it even harder for my wife to deal with.

I wish you two the best of luck. And Please remember that some acceptance is better than none. And her being still with you means there is some there. Now you just both need find a comfort level for you both.

KimberlyS - CD

[Joanne08]

Well Ladies, I found out why she wanted to wait for a while. She went to a shrink and from what I heard back from her I wish she hadn't. The Phychiatrist told her CDing was a perversion. She mentioned something about having my day once a month. Again she caught me off guard by starting the conversation as we were eating dinner by saying, "What about me? You're so selfish." What???? Then she tells me about the shrink and as I tried to defend myself by saying that it's not, we fall into a somewhat familar pattern of her saying, you're always so defensive and I counter with you always make assumptions that are not accurate, etc. We agreed we need to see a couples counselor. Maybe that's what we need. I can't seem to be heard and she can't hear me, I suppose vice versa as well. I'm making the call when I'm done here.


Love, Jo

[DonnaT]

Patience Joanne. It's a tough row to hoe, but it'll work out, hopefully.

Make sure the councelor is up to speed on gender issues.

If ya'll can't talk without accusations, maybe you two can use the computer.

Have her type out her questions/concerns, you read and answer them later, then add your concerns so she can read them. A couple of ground rule should be no arguments, no accusations.

[Julia Cross]

Hi Joanne,

The unfortunate reality is that not all counsellors are the same. Some are biased by religious beliefs, some by personal, there is no way of knowing until you have a session.

The counsellor my ex used had a bias and also told her it was a perversion and if she didn't like it she should move on, she did.

I would suggest you try to get your wife to seek another, second opinion before it is too late. And if you seek a marriage counsellor, look for one with transgendered/crossdressing experience, ask before you go.

julia

[Joanne08]

Thanks Donna and Julie. I had immediately thought of that last night. That's why I said I'd make an appointment.


Love, Jo

[KimberlyS]

Joanne, sorry for my lateness in responding to your recent post. I started to write and ran out of time because my short post suddenly became long. So here it goes, long post.

Oh Joanne I feel your pain with you writing "The Psychiatrist told her CDing was a perversion."

I was lucky in the fact that my wife said we both needed to go to a counselor to work this out. The unlucky part is she already had several counselors’ names from a christian based counseling center. So at least I had time to think things through.

So we went in as a couple to work on CDing issues, and the first thing he does is quote the DSM. My wife then asks something along the lines of what does the Bible say about CDing? Well he skirts the question by going into saying something like, most anything pertaining to a couples sexual relationship within a marriage is ok as long as it is ok with both spouses and within the marriage. So after that 10 minute or so non-answer to my wife’s question, she asks the question again and he goes into another non-answer dealing with relationships, trust, deception. So once again my wife asks the question, Is CDing ok according to the bible. And he replies that it is not.

I come away from the session confused because of what he talked about was not me as the DSM definition does not fit me. But we schedule another session as I know this is currently the only option I have at working on things with my wife.

Second session, I right away try to get the counselor to clarify where he got the backing for his statement of CDing not being right, and he goes into the relationship stuff, quoting some scripture and other information. He then goes into "Other issues" he sees which is my wife's fibromialgia. We finish the session that he will see my wife next time and both of us after that. I come out going, what happen to working on the CDing issues that we came here for.

Well I only end up seeing him one more time because he can no longer be my counselor due to conflict issues and besides the third time none of his information on cders had changed. But after several months my wife is working through some of her issues and he has been good for that.

Well after these several month my wife is felling better, but there is little resolve to cding issues, so my wife gets a referral for a different counselor for me. Well this one is a gal, we discuss why I am there and fairly quickly she quotes out of the DSM but this counselor did not keep shoving it back at me, and kept listening. Then it came, it was than an addiction, and I figure here we go again. But she listened and we discussed and she at least seemed more open minded. So I schedule more sessions to work on my CDing issues.

Well through my sessions I end up doing a lot of teaching of what many CDers and specifically me are not and I believe I surprise her often. We worked on some of my other issues, and how to communicate better with my wife.

But the big thing that both my wife and I do is we have our own personal session with each other after each session and also at other times, just me and my wife communicating and discussing things. And it was not unusual for these sessions to last a couple of hours or longer. Most of our working through of the CDing issues have been in our own personal sessions.

After about a year since starting this, between the counselors, my wife and I we decide to also do some couples counseling to work more on bettering our communication with each other. And of course we need a third counselor to do this. So now we have hers, mine, and ours. Well session one goes ok and of course this counselor quickly quotes out of the DSM for what a CDer is. Just great. Well we decide to continue and work on bettering our communications. Well after a few sessions we also attend a Tri-Ess SPICE event, as oked by all of the counselors. Also about this time I finally get a straight answer from the first counselor/my wife's, that the statesments he made about religion view of cding were society views. This aids with us working throught issues.

Well now it is almost 2 years later, we are communicating much better as a couple, we are still seeing individual counselors 1-2 times a month for follow-up and we are no longer seeing jointly. We still have our sessions after the sessions and they are not as long, we have more love back in our marriage and my wife has her smile back. We both know we have continuing communication and work to do, but things are getting better all the time.

What I think made our counseling work is both of us wanted to make things work and our sessions after the sessions. My wife and I did a lot of talking out side of the sessions between our selves. This seems to surprise all of the counselors.

An another thing is that both my wife an I each have a journal that we wrote and still write in. Personally I wrote done ramblings, thoughts, possible solutions, reflections, talks we had, tasks I did for the counselors, …. It became a collection of information that allowed us to look back and forward as we worked on things.

Joanne Good Luck, and work hard, and the two of you can get through it if you both want to.

KimberlyS - CD

[Joanne08]

First of all, Thanks Kimberly for your long but insightful post. I have a fear that we will end up with some counselor that I would end up fighting with over the CDing issue. I think you have been able to get to the heart of the matters by increasing your communications. Good job and keep it up.

I made a point to sit down and tell my wife that I was sorry for keeping things from her. I only asked that she be understanding enough to listen and understand why I kept it from her. She nodded at my apology and didn't talk much more. I gave her the information that I had gotten from the internet. It hasn't been moved from where she placed it several days ago.

I've been looking into the qualifications for MFCC's. In the listings of these health care professionals, very few if any list their specialities. So I've been calling, leaving messages and waiting for call backs. No one has any experience with transgender issues so far. Very frustrating. One person said that they would try to work through it...maybe, I don't know.

Does anyone (from the Bay Area) know of a couples counselor that works with someone like me?

In the meantime, we have been going on about our business without much to say to one another knowing that this is not at all resolved.


Love, Jo

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I asked around on two local mailing lists and got a recommendation for Cynthia Young in San Jose. I'll let you know if I get any other recommendations.

[Joanne08]

Hi Marlena,

I'll definately check it out.


Love, Jo

[womanatheart]

Joanne,
Oh' the pain of being where you are now! I remember it as if it were yesterday. Out of the blue my wife, with a perturbed look on her face, asks me about these photo's of me efem in the 'sent file'. (who would look in the sent file?') That was 3 days and nights of real hell for me and her. Have we survived? Yes. Have we come to terms with cding? no. Was it a relief letting it out? In a way yes. Did she learn about CDing? yes.
Some great advice given by others. Take it slowly. Like Janelle mentioned; it took you years to conceptualize this thing called cding, give her the same time also.
As I hope will happen; clothes will not stack up to true love. Love will win out in the end.
I am finding, this cd thing is a very delicate balance. Learn delicately.
My best. Lots of love.
Stephanie

[Larrie]

Hi, I'm new to this site. My wife asked me if I had anything I was going to change now that I'm 50. So I told her I was coming out of the closet and explore my femimine side. So after a little laughing and yelling, she thought I would come out as gay and was shocked to hear of me wanting to be a woman. This was Sunday(1-22) and she has changed a bit in her overall demener on everything towards me, much more positive and nicer. So I think coming clean on what I felt was the best thing I've done in our relationship so far. I don't know what this has to do with this thread but seemed like a good place to post. Hugs, Larrie

[Lilith Moon]

Some great advice given by others. Take it slowly. Like Janelle mentioned; it took you years to conceptualize this thing called cding, give her the same time also.

So, by the time I reach 130 she will have had chance to come to terms with my crossdressing. :yikes:

[Joanne08]

So, by the time I reach 130 she will have had chance to come to terms with my crossdressing. :yikes:

Actually this is one of the arguments I've been mulling over to present to my wife. I'm over fifty, how many years do I have left of relatively good body condition and youthfulness to enjoy what I like about CDing. Let me live now before it's too late. And let go and have fun with me. It's taken me 45+ years to get here...I can't afford another 45 for you to be comfortable with this.

How's that?

Jo

[Bonnie D]

Be prepared for the "or what?" reply.

Bonnie

[Cheery GG]

Hi Jo,

It sounds like your wife has taken it very well, but im thinking maybe she has a million questions and thoughts racing round in her head. Like angel said i think there could be a very positive outcome.

Why dont you mention to her abnout this forum, and that there are lots of women (gg's) who have been through same, and were here for support, to have a rant, and a giggle (not at your expense though of course !).

I iwsh you both luck, take it steady, but dont ignore where youve come already, make the conversation.....dont wait for her to !

hope to see her in gg forum soon....

take care,

cheery

xx