Interpreting a compliment

[Jenniferathome]

A few weeks back I was out with two friends in San Francisco. While out at a wine bar, a regular patron, an older woman, complimented me on my appearance. Now, her exact words were, "You look lovely." She went on to compliment my jewelry and dress as well. Naturally I liked the compliment, I worked hard to present as well as I could and I was proud to receive the compliment.

When I returned home and I was relating this story to my wife, it struck me that I have never heard a woman tell another woman, "You look lovely." A woman to woman compliment is generally about something they are wearing, shoes, dress, ear rings, whatever. So really what she was saying was, "For a dude, you look pretty good." So is that a compliment or a slap int he face? Well, as we are all dudes, I think that is about all we can hope for so I'll take the compliment. I think the moral of this story is that if you go out and you try to present well, you will likely not be mistaken for a woman but for a dude, you can be lovely;-)

[Danielle Gee]

Jennifer: I think you're reading to much into it! Sometimes a compliment is just that.....A compliment. Accept it and be happy.

Danielle

[Leslie Langford]

Jennifer, does it really matter in the end?

The point is, the woman felt compelled to give you an unsolicited and heartfelt compliment (assuming, of course, that it wasn't delivered with a tinge of sarcasm). Clearly, you presented well in her eyes in whatever mode she "read" you as, an she wanted to acknowledge that.

I have received similar, totally unexpected compliments over the years, and while also taken aback each time, I generally didn't spend too much time agonizing over the motives. A compliment is a compliment whatever the rationale behind it might be, and it is just what women do.

For us, it can also represent a tacit (perhaps subconscious) welcome into the "sisterhood", and one that should make you feel very honored and proud.

[Ava Tryptyk]

I wouldn't take it as anything other than a compliment. I may not pass 100% as a woman, but hearing kind words like reassures me that I am doing something right!

[Ellanore G.G.]

I tell my friends they look lovely when they do.
It might not be about what they are wearing, but the fact that their face looks happy.
I also tell my younger daughter, she looks lovely when she tries to fix her hair on her own
and does a good job. I dont think she meant you looked well for a dude, but more that she said it
as a compliment, that you looked lovely as you must have done to her.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Hi Jennifer,

I would take it as it sounds, a very nice compliment.

Love,
Linda

[Tracii G]

Take the compliment and say thank you.

[mechamoose]

Now, her exact words were, "You look lovely." She went on to compliment my jewelry and dress as well. Naturally I liked the compliment, I worked hard to present as well as I could and I was proud to receive the compliment.

That was very nice & sweet. Is there a chance she was one of us?

When I returned home and I was relating this story to my wife, it struck me that I have never heard a woman tell another woman, "You look lovely." A woman to woman compliment is generally about something they are wearing, shoes, dress, ear rings, whatever. So really what she was saying was, "For a dude, you look pretty good."

Well, it could be some underlying doubt whispering in your ear, or your wife is right and she 'made' you. In either event, she said you look nice. I'd just focus on that.

<3

- MM

[Katey888]

Jennifer - whatever way it was said (and I don't think it's likely to be sarcastic..) - whether as woman to 'woman' or woman to 'dude as woman', if someone has taken the trouble to say something nice, accept it at face value... in fact, lap it up!

I don't think there's such a cultural difference between the US and UK and if an older woman had said that over here, it would have been well-meaning almost all the time... And I have certainly experienced women saying that to other women without there being any accessories involved - happened a lot with my wife, but no one (either female or male) would ever say anything similar to me... Perhaps another reason why we seek not just validation but that sisterly aspect of the feminine world...?

Katey x

[MissTee]

Likely just a simple gesture of kindness, and just as genuine.

[Badtranny]

whoa, Jennifer is absolutely correct and she should be embraced for rising her head from the lake of delusion. To stop drinking, and consider for a moment that maybe we as a community are a bit too insular and self congratulatory. There can be no achievement without a proper awareness of self and in this case, these are the first steps.

There is no part-time cross-dresser that will pass up close as a genetic woman. (Those that can, comprise such a small percentage that they're insignificant.) If you get a compliment from anyone, you can be assured that it is probably genuine and sincere, but it in no way implies that they mistook you for anything other than exactly what you are. In fact most people are perplexed to learn that they were SUPPOSED to think you were a woman.

Years ago I was hanging out with some of my 'city' friends who are not in the community and none of them had ever known me by any other name than Misty. None of them had ever called me "he" and to my naive part-time CD mind I just assumed they all thought I was a chick. We were gabbing away in a bar and I said I had to pee, and one of the girls, who I hadn't met before that night said, "oh, what bathroom do you use?". I was taken aback and I said, "the Ladie's silly, what else? Can you imagine me in the Men's room?". She stammered a bit and said, "oh, I thought", then she must have caught the steely gaze of one of my friends, "oh, whatever, it's San Francisco right?"

So that was my golden moment. I was forced to stop drinking from the lake of delusion, and as I lifted my head, I was surprised at how deluded I had been. This was also when I began to think that cross-dressing may not be just fun and games and I may indeed have a more serious problem than being "gay".

Bravo Jennifer for realizing that acceptance and kindness does not equal passing and further applause if this new self awareness makes you a better person, and eventually an even better representative of our community. One I would be proud to drink with.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jennifer,

I think it was simply and compliment regardless of how she saw you "boy" or "girl". I am guessing she made you as very few of us survive first contact but I think the compliment was sincere . . . like you said, nothing saying a dude cannot look lovely.

Hugs

Isha

[mechamoose]

"oh, whatever, it's San Francisco right?"

So that was my golden moment. I was forced to stop drinking from the lake of delusion, and as I lifted my head, I was surprised at how deluded I had been. This was also when I began to think that cross-dressing may not be just fun and games and I may indeed have a more serious problem than being "gay".

While I get the message that most CDs are straight, if you are coming at this *starting* the in the LGBT space, you just kind of learn accept a CD/Trans person regardless of presentation. It has nothing to do with what dangly bits you like to play with. Most ROYGBIV folks I know would say "You want to be 'outrageous' sweetie? Go for it!" No judgement. (Though I have run into 'catty' Trannies before)


I think it has more to do with personality. Most of the times I have been in gay bars or clubs I ended up hanging out with the 'butch' women anyway.

[kimdl93]

People generally say what they mean, and she meant that as nothing other than a legitimate compliment. Take it as such. This has nothing to do with passing or not passing. It's just an obese action that you took the time to look your best.

[Zylia]

I guess that the lady had the same gut reaction that many of us here have as well when spotting 'one of us' in the wild. Your 'Public Service Announcement' is something we should all take to heart, thanks!

[LeslieSD]

Nice observation, Jennifer. Well said, Malissa.

Like everyone has said, take the compliment as compliment and be happy.

The point of Jennifer and Malissa brought out is as important. While we enjoy the compliment, we should not drink ourselves in the illusion that we have passed (depend on how you define passing). There are something to be improved and worked on. More importantly, the realization of that I am read makes me more appreciate of the kindness and acceptance (or even encouragement) that everyday people has given us these days.

[Ezekiel]

Passing as female is not the same to looking good, and both things are separate. You can look very good without passing as a female. We are just so used to the image of a woman in her typical gender attire, and relate that to looking good and the only way to looking good, that we think that when we don't pass we look bad. Not true, we can look very good as dudes in dresses.

[mechamoose]

not true, we can look very good as dudes in dresses.

}:>

<3

- mm

[Laura912]

My wife said "you look lovely" yesterday at a wedding to three different women including the bride who was 82. I told the bride the same thing. You received a nice compliment. Enjoy.

[Wildaboutheels]

"We have met the enemy and they is us".

POGO ^^^

[ReineD]

Passing as female is not the same to looking good, and both things are separate.

This.

Jennifer, you are an appealing looking person (I'm trying to stay away from words like handsome or beautiful ). You present in a manner that is respectful of women and you have a good sense of style. I think the woman who complimented you meant just that.

Something to consider: did the desire to pass come from a need to not be read, in decades past when it was much more difficult to go out in public dressed than it is today? I can see why there was a need to pass or be as stealth as possible if a person risked physical harm just for being out in public. But, we are past that now. In fact, there are more and more CDers who are OK with presenting a more androgynous appearance or who are OK with being read - who do purposely present as a man dressed in feminine clothing.

I've also noticed that many CDers believe the world to be harsher towards the CDing than it really is. Yes, some people smirk and nudge but there are also people who do not, which was not the case a generation ago. Most people do have the grace and decency to keep their immediate opinions to themselves. So maybe feeling better about being a man who engages in cross-gender expression will help you accept that if people see you that way, it is not necessarily in a negative light?

I do think that the woman's compliment was genuine even though I also think she read you. I agree with Misty ... there are very few genetic males who do not get read in real life, if they are not on HRT and have not had FFS.

[AllieSF]

I believe that Jennifer clearly understands what the comment means. But, it can become an interesting question sometimes when the comment comes so simply and honestly from a complete stranger exactly when least expected. That being said, when one is out and about enough they gain a lot of self confidence, can relax more and can truly enjoy the moment, whatever that moment is. Others around us and even across the room naturally pick up on that, or better stated don't pick up on anything. They may even see some ladies over there happily conversing among themselves and with the other patrons and staff close to them. Nothing abnormal about that. If dresses to fit in, even when it may be just a bit fancier than most of the other patrons, some can easily be misread as women. Sure, up closer that is an entirely different situation.

I don't remember that moment nor venue when Jennifer got the compliment, but when we are out we always seem to be one with the rest, just another person or persons in the group, talking, laughing and enjoying ourselves. It is not uncommon for us to receive those random compliments from others, mostly the women but sometimes from the men too, and these are not admirer comments, just honest ones. I have been out with Rachael Sloane many times and have been told that they like her or mine or both of our hair, and then seem totally surprised when we tell them that they are wigs. We get a lot of compliments on our outfits, or a piece of clothing and our jewelry. One time we were told when well into a conversation with a couple at the table next to us that they had no idea that we were not women until they finally heard out voices. This last example is one that makes me wonder on that rare occasion when I do receive a special compliment from someone who may have not heard me speak and may have actually have no idea until I reply to their compliment that I am in fact not exactly what I am presenting as. However, I am no fool, though I may act like one sometimes, and take all compliments as "Wow, you really look good ....... presenting as a woman!". That is more than enough for me, because that is exactly what I am doing and indicates that I may have reached my goal!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenn, I would take the complement and run with it.

[Felicia Dee]

Jennifer: I think you're reading to much into it! Sometimes a compliment is just that.....A compliment. Accept it and be happy.

I second this...

[Adriana Moretti]

I third it.....I had that happen yesterday...not really an issue...then again everything here is an issue...LOL..KIDDING