How to Make It Not About Yourself?

[Rachel Smith]

As ya'll know I am going home for Easter.

My brothers Mother-in-Law will be there. It has been suggestedd by Mom, Dad and my sister, Susan, that I don't come as Rachel. I really don't want to ruin the holiday for them but I REALLY don't want to dress as Randy either. So if I go as me, Rachel, I feel I will make it about me. Yet if I don't go and choose to stay at my parents I feel this also will make it about me. If I can't go as me I would just as soon stay at my parents house.

Very Confused
Rachel

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Have you transitioned or living full time as Rachel?

[stefan37]

Since you are full time I would go as you however you feel comfortable. Maybe tone your outfit a bit, but don't compromise who you are.

[I Am Paula]

I was faced with the similar dilemma last month. Being full time, yet being asked for political/family reasons to present male for one person. After lots of soul searching, I decided that my own integrity trumped all others, and that nobody could tell me how to live.
The aftermath. My wife and I will now spend holidays at separate homes. I am persona non grata at my father in law's.
Did I win?-yes Did I lose?- yes.
In your situation, I don't see it so much about 'making it about yourself'. If your relatives have never seen the real you, you will be the center of attention for a while, but that will pass, and you can just enjoy your Easter. People get bored fast, and soon the center of attention will turn to dinner, and other matters.
Do you feel strongly that sooner or later everyone in your family will have to get to know Rachel? If so, why not do it now?

[Kelly DeWinter]

It would seem to me that this is a discussion between your brother and you since it is his Mother in Law. also if you are already out and about as rachel, you should just be yourself. Go talk to your brother. The rest of your family is drawing a very unfair line.

[Michelle.M]

OK, let me get this straight. You are Rachel and they want you to go as somebody else? And all because . . . why? Because you being Rachel makes somebody feel uncomfortable? So you can bear the burden for someone else’s confusion instead of them taking responsibility for their own feelings and having a simple conversation with you that would lead to understanding?

I don’t want this to sound like a joke, but substitute Rachel / Randy for any other options:

I don’t want you to come with your spouse, I want you to come alone.
I don’t want you to come as black, I want you to come as white.
I don’t want you to come as physically disabled, I want you to come without your wheelchair.
I don’t want you to come as gay, I want you to come as straight.
I don’t want you to come as liberal, I want you to come as conservative.

Of course we all want to be welcomed, we all want to do the things that make others see us as pleasant to be with and make them happy to have invited us. But at what price?

I would not let anyone tell me who to be. And don’t let anyone lay a guilt trip on you by blaming you for disappointing others if you decide to opt out. It is THEY who are disappointing YOU with their non-acceptance.

[Rachel Smith]

Yes Kaitlyn I have transitioned. I live in Va they live in PA. My family knows that I have transitioned. I have not been home since I transitioned. The last time I was home for a holiday was Christmas of 2012 when I decided on Christmas Eve it was a good time to die. My attempt ruined that holiday for them and I just don't want to ruin another one and have the focus on me instead of the day as I did then.

Michelle M. point taken, thank you.

Paula yes they will all get to me as I am now and really have always been.

Kelly I was thinking the same thing but didn't know if that was a good way to go.

[Jorja]

You have transitioned. You are Rachel! Go as Rachel! They don't like it, tell them to grow up and get over it. OR, don't go at all.

[arbon]

Your not the one making a big issue of it, other people are. Thats their deal.



I don't think you should go as anything but yourself.

[MsVal]

How about turning it around on them and making it their decision, not yours?

"I am no longer Randy. Would you like Rachel to come?"

Best wishes
MsVal

[kimdl93]

It seems to me that you have the right to go as you choose. Its not making it about you...its about being you. Explain to your parents that this is a permanent, real change. You're not doing it to get attention, but rather to be true to yourself as a human being. Until they can accept that reality, and welcome you on those terms, then you may have to regretfully take a pass on the holiday. Otherwise, it will be the same with each succeeding family gathering.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yes Kaitlyn I have transitioned. I live in Va they live in PA. My family knows that I have transitioned. I have not been home since I transitioned. The last time I was home for a holiday was Christmas of 2012 when I decided on Christmas Eve it was a good time to die. My attempt ruined that holiday for them and I just don't want to ruin another one and have the focus on me instead of the day as I did then.

Just wondering. Then its a crystal clear answer its just how you deal with it.
and I am sorry you feel you ruined their holiday in the past.. you didn't.

I have been through it, I started with a thanksgiving, every one got easier and easier

It's very unfair of your family to play these politics.
Its not your brother coming to you, its others.
I guess maybe your brother is behind them coming to you, but then that's really wrong.

You ARE Rachel. It's not Halloween, its easter!!

I know its all easy to say as compared to doing it, but now's a time to stand on your values and principles

[Jorja]

Yes, it is easy to say. But.... if you do not stand up for yourself, nobody else will. It is high time your family learns a lesson. You are the only one that can teach that.

[Rachel Smith]

You all are a most wonderful collection of women. Thanks to ya'll I feel better about it already.

Hugs
Rachel

[Kelly DeWinter]

I didn't realize you had transitioned, go as yourself. You have to be yourself at all other times, just talk to your brother. It sounds like your family have not gotten used to the idea, just be prepared to leave early if YOU are the one who is made to feel uncomfortable.

[wanagione]

Rachel, it seems to me you have made your choice, you have transitioned and you ARE Rachel. I sorry that your family has but this on you and not taken a stand to accepct the fact that you are rachel. you said you haven't been home in 2 yrs, why is that? that is a retorical question. I hope you come to peace with this one and try to stay positive.

[Cheyenne Skye]

If not now, then when? They have to get used to you the way you are now unless you're planning to write off your family.

[Angela Campbell]

It is about you. You must keep it that way.

[mechamoose]

My Gramma on my Dad's side had 12 kids. We used to get together every Saturday at her house. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. Candlepin bowling on TV, hot dogs & beans. (To this day, I smell hot dogs & beans when I watch someone bowling)

We got together every month to celebrate the birthdays for that month. We did every holiday together. Xmas was a madhouse.

As an adult, and after I became Pagan, after I was genderfluid, I got bad feedback from portions of my family (We had a bunch of fundamentalists in the family at that point) I just stopped going. I wanted to be with my family, but because I knew they didn't accept me for Who I Was, I didn't want to be around them. When I did go to an event like a wedding or a death, people were happy to see me. But I knew that deep inside, they didn't *accept* me. Even if they didn't say it, it made me uncomfortable.

If you can go and be yourself and be confident, then I say do so. If not. Why go?

<3

- MM

[PaulaQ]

It's only about you if they make it about you. Be yourself. You have no control over their reactions regardless. In fact, their reactions are not about you at all. They are about them.

[VanTG]

I have to agree with Jorja, go as Rachel or don't go at all. People make such a big deal about Holidays, when in reality they are some of the most depressing times of the year for people. Do what you want and forget about others.

[Chickhe]

Suppose you you wear just one or two items to provoke conversation and to feel like you didn't completely sell out, but otherwise dress inconspicuously. Explain to the host that you didn't dress fully because you didn't want t make them feel uncomfortable, but explain in the future you are going to dress fully. If they are a good host, they will tell you to dress however you want in the future...if not, it will be easier to plan a different dinner next time.

[Shellycd12]

Since you have transitioned, I would most certainly go as Rachel. That is who you are.
Hope all goes well.

Shelly

[sandra-leigh]

You are Rachel and they want you to go as somebody else? And all because . . . why? Because you being Rachel makes somebody feel uncomfortable?

Is that known, that it would make your mother in law uncomfortable? Or is it merely feared? Or is your family embarrassed to have you seen that way?

"I am no longer Randy. Would you like Rachel to come?"

I rather like that approach.

Musing for a moment, if Rachel's brother's Mother-in-Law does not know the situation, then the family could ask her, "We would like to invite our daughter Rachel, would that be okay?". If she doesn't say (for example), "Well, it would be okay with me as long as she is not a tax collector or a Muslim or a transsexual woman", then it becomes up to the mother-in-law to deal with any discomfort she might feel.

[noeleena]

Hi,

What i have done is dress in a nice pair of shorts a tee top a sun hat and sneakers and black or white socks no makeup as dont any way no earings and i dont care if i do or not .

now as you know every one here in Waimate knows me so i went walking down the high street shoping center and a friend comes up behind me and say 's hi noeleena wow you look lovely today. well herei was and Jos and i talked about what to wear to our son his wife and wee boy this was 3 years ago.

So much for myself trying to look like a guy, it just did not work.
Any way this is how i dressed when Jos and I went to our son's place, and they were okay ,
Now since then just after xmas i came back from our camp 250 people Renaissance and i was dressed as normal as a wench quess who was at Jos's house nathan -son his wife and now of cause thier son and new baby,

oh right i thought ooops, not a word and we got on as normal , earing's neckless the works,

I mean i dress in very different garb = clothes.

Im a female and nathan has had issues because of my difference yes to him im a male just not a normal male and his fear is his son may turn out like me a male female yes nathan knows im intersexed that does not make it any easyer. for him im not prepared to loose nathan for the sake of wearing my normal female clothes they are not important i could wear a sack i dont care a dam , im a female how i dress does not matter my son does,

As i said years ago over 10 if it takes 5 10 or 20 years i dont care ill try not to put a stumbling block in his way,

Whats the most importaint thing in your life, for me its our Jos and I family not my clothes or what i wear ill wear my bib overalls shorts what ever nothing changes because i dont wear female clothes,

Listen Iv ...HURT....my family enough over 20 years, because of being an intersexed female who was percived as male my clothes are nothing more than rags if i loose members of our family,

just because nathan asked me not to in front of Aaron nathans son listen in 5 or so years he'll be 8 still have him as a grandson, by then it will be okay..

if my clothes are more importaint than my / our family then i'v lost the plot,

Yes i'm weird or mad insane dont care ,.....my family i do care about,

Better get me flack jacket. Ill be taken down on this for sure,

...noeleena...