Crossdressing Boyfriend

[Mimi]

Is he shopping for shoes en femme, or in male mode? If he's shopping in male mode, part of his grumpiness could be due to the fact that he can't really enjoy the shopping--he has to be furtive, act like they aren't for him, etc., which really spoils the whole thing. He may be feeling resentful of all the GGs who are able to casually poke among the shoes and try on whatever they want. If he's en femme, then make sure you are at a store where you feel comfortable and can select the sizes on your own, and you don't have to rely on the sales person to bring you boxes of shoes and personally fit you. Payless, Kohls, DSW, Famous Footwear, Off Broadway--these stores are all user friendly, and have at least some selection in the larger sizes.

If he's not out shopping en femme at this time, is this a goal? If so, he will enjoy the shopping much more. Just make sure you are both comfortable with the store and the location. Best of luck, and it sounds like he's very lucky to have you.

[Terraforming]

I've been out for a while, and it's still a pretty new thing for me to have any confidence while I'm shopping at all. It's a mix of nerves from other people seeing you do something you aren't supposed to and conditioning to not have any interest in shopping. Right now he's probably even at a point where he thinks you're probably judging him as well (since he doesn't know anything right now). Just try to talk to him outside of those experiences and get some more trust when going out. When that happens, he'll be able to focus more on you and what you think instead of whether or not people are staring and judging him.

[Beverley Sims]

Anna,
Try going shopping with him dressed, it may be the cure you are looking for.

[StacyLynn]

It's great that you're so supportive of your boyfriend Anna. I wish there were more women like you. But like others have suggested, his moodiness is likely due to his nerves and guilty feelings. To be honest I would think that I'd probably react in a similar manner. For me it's uncomfortable shopping as I'm still closeted. You should've see me buying makeup for the first time this weekend! I paced back and forth from the aisle pretending I didn't know what I was looking for then just dipped in and grabbed some and bee lined to the self check out.

I hope that in the future he becomes more comfortable shopping with you. Maybe talk to him about how he feels while shopping? Maybe mention what you said about making it appear like he's helping you pick some out for yourself or a friend.

[ReineD]

I am asking for help in how to make these trips more relaxing for both of us, at the moment I do not really enjoy them as he gets so grumpy which often ends up with me being frustrated and not wanting to help him at that time, and then it escalates...

The first year or so when my SO went out together in public, she was hugely stressed and it did come off as grumpiness. I wondered why she wanted to go out at all, since she didn't seem to be having any fun. And I have to admit this was stressful for me too.

It turned out that she really did enjoy going out and the stress was related to fear of being read and fear of being harshly treated as the result. The more she went out and got comfortable with the fact that the majority of people do behave as if they don't care, the better it got for us.

Do give it time, I'm sure it will get better. In the meantime you might want to just check in with your SO and ask him to not be so gruff with you if he is upset about something.

[Vickie_CDTV]

He is probably experiencing both excitement as well as a lot of shame and guilt at the same time, and that is why he is acting so oddly. He loves the shoes, may even get a bit excited by it all but also feels terrible shame for being interested in women's shoes. (I know all about being ashamed of wanting to wear women's things etc.) As an alternative, why not try shopping online with him? Since he isn't trying the shoes on anyway, you might as well try shopping from home and see if he changes how he feels.

You are really a sweetheart, as there are very few GGs who tolerate much less participate in their boyfriend's crossdressing. If he gets too out of line... don't be afraid to remind him of that

[Alexand]

Your boyfriend is so lucky!!!
I think very very few crossdressers have had a girlfriend so understanding as you!
Things depend on your overall relationship and communication however. I think if your mental relationship is good overall, things will definitely become better regarding the cd issue and behavior in general. After all it's the society's rules that make it all seem so complicating and frustrating.

People are what they are and feel what they feel. Only love and positive mental attitude can help make everything easier.

[Marcelle]

Hi Anna,

WELCOME BTW. I believe you are on the right track . . . just support him and he will get there. If this is new to him as it is to you, then there is a lot to process (for both of you). Being a guy in public is easy for a CDer being "en femme" or just shopping for girl clothes is harder to process. He will get there once he has built up a bit of confidence. Your support and love will help him along this journey.

Hugs

Isha

[yvonne10]

From my own experience it is partly nerves and part wiry that he has confided in you and that you are trying to help him he has been alone with his feelings all his life then suddenly someone else is there to help him it is a lot to take in that you are not judging him and are willing to help .i was the same with my wife we used to go round charity shops and if I did not get anything I too would get in a mood I was like a child that could not have any sweets

[Melissa_59]

I think it is mainly that he is worried to touch any of them or appear too interested in case other people realise...

You hit the nail on the head right there, he's worried that someone else will "figure it out." Change how you ask perhaps - let him know ahead of time that you're going to ask this way, but say "Do you think those would look good on XXXXX" which is his other self (if he's picked a name), and give your opinion (if you like them) such as "I think she'd look great in those" and that should help with the situation. In time your boyfriend will get over this part, but a lot of us go through it. Secret codes help get you past this phase though.

He's a lucky person to have you though, I hope he sees this and realizes that.

~Mel

[Anna123]

Thanks again everyone for being so helpful!!

We have not had the chance to go shopping or anything really as it has been so busy with exams/coursework etc (we are both at University) but hopefully once we get back to a less hectic lifestyle we will be able to take into account all this advice and sort something out

[MonikaTirola]

I second what Mel said. Referring to "her" probably will make stuff easier on him.

Also let me share an anecdote: My SO and I went shoe shopping and bought each a pair of heels. She size 8 and mine were size 11. On the way out she remarked: " the (likely gay) shop assistant so thought they (the shoes i just got) were for you!" (I didn't mind)

Two weeks later we go back to score a pair of boots for me on clearance. Same shop assistant who clocked me two weeks earlier said: "enjoy your boots ma'm!" To my SO.
My point is nobody will care and maybe not buy heels in two different sizes.

[Kevyn53]

Anna, It sounds like he's got a lot of shame involved with this. The biggest thing he needs to learn is that it's none of his business what other people think. I know that sounds backwards, but the idea is that they can think anything they want, it shouldn't matter to him or you. The other point is that they probably aren't thinking anything about him, so he really shouldn't care.

You guys should also try second-hand stores. The two of you can wander around and find all sorts of things.

[Michelle V]

Anna it sounds like you are Avery caring girlfriend and also seems like your boyfriend needs so,e sort of guidance, is he part of our forum? The reason I ask is because this place has helped a lot of people find themselves (up including me) and he may need some sort of support to come to terms with who he is. In my opinion; being a straight CD is a lot more taboo than being an openly gay CD, I'm not saying being gay is easy but it is more acceptable for a gay man to represent himself as feminine, however a straight CD is an anomaly and our sexual preference is always questioned. Having the support of our spouses and SOs is a blessing and having the guidance of people that struggle with the same identity crisis helps a lot.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Anna, It's a little bit of embarrassment on his part.

[PamelaMiller]

Hi Anna,
Your boyfriend might find this hard to believe right now because he is young and new at this and is experiencing many of the fears and apprehensions that almost every one of us have experienced. The honest truth is that no one really cares who he is shopping for - not the other customers, not the people that work at the store. If they see him looking through racks of clothing, or at shoes, or at lingerie or at anything else - they will either assume that he is shopping for you, or they won't think anything at all. And even if they think that he is shopping for himself, if that is an issue for them, then it is their issue and they should be so lucky as to have a friend that is so in touch with who he really is, or is at least willing to explore.

It is also possible that his discomfort comes from you being with him. Please don't take that the wrong way. Maybe he has so much going through his head that when you ask him about the particular item that he is looking at, then it is too much. Maybe at that moment he needs to be alone with his thoughts and you need to be there for him but let him take the lead of the discussion. Sometimes the best parts of our interactions with each other are in the moments of silence.

Good luck to both of you!
Hugs,
Pamela

[Manwithabra]

As a person who has recently opened up to his GF about this, I know exactly how your boyfriend feels.

When I go with my GF shopping, my main interest is usually in bras and dresses so it's a tad more difficult to look at than heels. Like your boyfriend, I too have become disgruntled at my habits whilst shopping as my GF points out things that I may like. The truth is, it IS a guilt thing.

Part of my guilt is in how much time I may be taking away from my GF. Despite her constant reassurance, when we go shopping I start to feel selfish because I just want to grab so many clothes and try them on. When I do that I feel like that's taking away something from my GF like time or my more manly habits that I know she enjoys from me. So, to make myself feel better I start to put on a facade of sorts that says "no I'm not that interested, in fact I'm pissed off at myself for doing this to you". Maybe that's what your Boyfriend is doing?

I hope this bit of my life helps. Ask him if he might feel this way, and see if you can find a way to make him feel better.

Sorry if I'm not much help. :/

-Nicole

[CrossJess]

LOL wish I had a cross dressing boyfriend, the only girly in our relationship in meee!

Reading your post I would just put it down to being super embarrassed, he's at that stage where he thinks everyone his looking at him casting judgement and he's worried what people think, I went through the same thing but after a while you learn to get over your self and be confident and learn not to take it so seriously, I think all CD's would kill to have a gf like you, takes a special lady to accept a crossdresser and he in time will also see that

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi Anna, I am glad you found us. My impression is the same as Teresa's. Also, how do you think he would like to join our group? It might do a lot of good if he knows how fortunate he is to have a supportive girl friend. There are voices here which might echo his own thoughts. Best of luck, please let us know how it goes.

[NicoleScott]

It is possible that his particular interest in shoes (or if it's a true fetish) is embarrassing to him. My wife knows why I dress and what things are of particular interest to me, but I'm still rather reserved about it when in public. It would be helpful for you to know what drives his dressing and what effect shoes (and other items, if applicable) have on him. There's nothing wrong with having a fetish.
Shoes can be purchased online. Problem solved, at least the public embarrassment part.

[Laura28]

Hi Anna, i can relate as my wife and i will go shoping for items for me, like your boyfriend i to will grumpy, and it is out of embarresment, although i dont have any problem buying stuff myself. I find when shopping with her i tend to be indiffernt to what she is showing me and my wife askes me do you like this think it will fit you, you will look good in it. So we talked and now she says do you think laura will like , think it will fit Laura etc... makes it easier for me. I think you BF is luck to have you.

[Adriana Moretti]

your boyfriend is very lucky to have someone like you.....sounds like he just needs to be comfortable and confident in himself...hopefully that stuff will come to him soon as he matures. HE should join this forum if he has not already.

[Alara]

I was in a similar position from the other side. and all the advice I can offer is patience...

And as other girls have offered online shopping is a godsend!

Alara xoxo

[Karan]

I so much agree with Laura28. My wife, who I love, is very supportive and encourging when we go shopping. Sometimes I withdrawal because I still get embarassed and I always want to be her "man". Her knight in shinning armor. She assures me that no matter what I am, but that is another thread. Any way, your boyfriend may not want to be appear overly enthusiatic to scare you away. Remind him how much you care for him and enjoy his crossdressing but also feed his male ego at times

[Lexi_83]

For me it was just a high level of anxiety. While this may not work for everyone, a couple of shots of Schnapps made me much more fun to be with....