how did your girlfriend find out? was she accepting at first?

[scarlett wineshed]

mine found out when she came across pics on my laptop, she says she doesn't care what i wear. but really has never talked about how she really feels. i wanted it to be a turn-on for her as it is for me, but is totally indifferent towards the subject. just asking some advice on how to talk to her about it so we both feel comfortable with it.

[Chari]

It is necessary to communicate with her, telling her how you feel and where you would like to be on the gender scale. Also listen to her, answer ALL her questions honestly and as best you can, then both of you decide what is comfortable for your relationship, and adjust where needed. It may take some time and much work, but the positive results can be wonderful. Enjoy.

[Tami Monroe]

My wife found out by finding a receipt from one of those third-party mailbox stores to have my clothing and shoe purchases shipped to. Of course, at first, she thought I did it to have an affair. I had to explain and she had a hard time believing that was the truth. Once she realized I was serious, she admitted that she was a lot more comfortable with the idea of me being a CD than the alternative. I showed her some of my eBay purchases going to that address as proof. She told me to get rid of the mailbox and have my purchases shipped to the house. God, I love that woman.

[Ashley.Rene]

I told my wife long before we married back when we first started dating. I think I may have workked her up a bit by telling her I had a very important secret that could really affect our relationship. Once I actually told her I was a cd, she was okay with it. And I have grown more and more comfortable ever since.

~Ash

[MatildaJ.]

Few women find it a turn-on. I know that's disappointing.

[Audrey Sis]

Ever since first dating my ex-wife (split not due to CDing) I have told every woman I've been with Very early on, so they know what they're getting in to. Whether enthusiastic or merely accepting, that's the way to go for me. I do try ascertain before even entertaining the idea of dating how open-minded a woman is on such issues, so I have yet to find outright rejection.

Before that, I was just miserably in the closet, and no relationship lasted more than a few months...

[kimdl93]

Talk is easy...just ask her feelings. BuT don't go into the conversation with an agenda or with the idea that you are going to convince her to think as you wish. Just listen and share your feelings when asked. Not your wishes or fantasies.

[Jenniferathome]

Scarlett, talking about it is easy. She knows so you just ask her, "Do you have any questions about my cross dressing?" Keep in mind that women know nothing more about cross dressing than the average man. It's "out there." As for being a "turn on," that is highly unlikely, ever. You can not make this happen so do not try. Understanding and comfort begins and ends with simple conversations. There is no trick. Just talk.

[PaulaQ]

Scarlett - indifference is one of the better reactions. Revulsion and feelings of having been deceived are not uncommon.

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Scarlett

I met my girlfriend, who's also a member here, on a very "vanilla" dating site, and told her I'm a CD-er in my very first emaill, when we physically met for the first time I showed her some photos, but she didn't meet "Paula" for another couple of months, and has been incredibly accepting and supportive from the beginning.

She has lots of questions and has had some concerns - would I want to transition? - but we have talked about this openly and honestly from the very beginning; as far as I'm concerned there are no "taboo" subjects, and every question she asks deserves to be answered with the utmost candor and honestly.

Your girlfriend may be nervous about discussing her feelings, maybe she's afraid of where that might lead, in which case she can hardly be said to be "indifferent."

It's a difficult situation, I obviously know nothing about you both other than what you've said here, but in my opinion - for what it's worth - she needs to be as open with you as you've been with her.

Communication is the key here; if she's hiding her true feelings and they're negative, they'll eat away at her relentlessly, she'll come to resent you and your cross-dressing, and it's safe to say that won't lead to a happy ending.

You need to find a way to draw her out, have an open and frank discussion, be prepared to answer her as honestly as you possibly can, regardless of the outcome, especially if she asks a question you can't answer. Don't lie, don't BS, just tell her honestly that you don't know, and hopefully that will lead to a deeper discussion.

Wishing you both all the best
Paula

[Kate T]

I told my wife after 13 yrs of marriage. We are still married.
Yes you need to talk to her. In my opinion DADT or similar long term doesn't tend to work. You have to be able to communicate about it.
AND what the others have said about wanting it to be a turn on for her as well. Not going to happen. I mean if she was turned on by lingerie / a female presentation then she would be going out with a girl, not with you. Sorry.

[Adriana Moretti]

mine ( ex) found out by stalking my computer history and saw me chatting on a crossdresser site, then snooped and found my stash, never said a word but started dropping hints, and sending victoria secret catalogs to my house, our relationship went down hill fast, then she threw it in my face and she broke up with me....my other gf new but couldnt handle it either because she was now always paranoid about how she looked or dressed around me ( i had better style) but she also had trouble understanding the femme side...most girls want a manly man so i understand why gals have issues..its toughh to talk to them about it what turns them on & what turns you on are 2 different things...girls tend to bug out when sexually they alone are not "doin it" for you. I gave up dealing with them as girlfriends....next girl i date i plan on meeting out in public while dressed..until then I am happy being single and playing both sides of the fence

[scarlett wineshed]

Adriana, that so parallels my own story, and i was much happier single and playing both. i guess the issue isn't really the "turn-on" thing, it's just that if i'm always around her, and she really has no opinion whatsoever, which kinda makes me feel like it bothers her and she's just not saying.... basically i feel like i don't get the time to myself to enjoy what i like doing.

[DebbieL]

I've been through this a number of different times - I've outlined them in my book, but here is a summary.
Cathy - didn't know, but loved that all I wanted to do was kiss and please her - she shared me with her friends.
Christie - didn't know - liked that I was willing to stay with her and please her lesbian style even though it was clear she would not reciprocate - took me to prom.
Pansy - realized I was her "Lesbian Lover" - even though she would meet different other men later that night, she would spend time enjoying my attention every day.
Connie - realized that I really liked lingerie, realized that for me to climax, she had to tie me up - had experience with women and realized I was a lesbian - dropped me 2 days after she realized I liked to dress.
Leslie - told her 3 weeks after we moved in together - didn't know for the 2 months before we moved in. Pretended to be OK, but didn't really accept. Viewed me as a "meal ticket" - divorced me 9 years later after a mostly platonic marriage.
Michelle - I was out, public and had been encouraged to transition - she was bisexual and very supportive - even invited some of her girl-friends over to come and play with us.
Sierra - I was out and still planning to transition - she was supportive, but we were in a long distance relationship for 15 years. Aborted transition, gained weight, struggled to get back.
Lee - Met on match.com - told her I was transgender, but had given up hope of transitioning. Loved what we did together even after I told her it was lesbian sex. After a stroke and a suspected second heart attack, I realized that I needed to transition to get my health back - as Debbie, improved diet, exercise, lost weight. Went to therapist for transition therapy - restarted real life experience.
Lee realized I wanted to transition, told me she wasn't OK with that. Went into deep depression, was having migraines, started getting suicidal. Started gaining weight again. After talking to therapist, Lee realized how important it was - has been VERY supportive. Later admitted that she was mostly worried about how friends and family would react. When I did start hormones, she realized how much happier I was, and after about 18 months of slow growth from low dose, started working as Debbie. Her family liked Debbie better than Rex, so did the Church. I was happier and healthier than I had been since I aborted transition in 1996. Because I could be honest and authentic with people about who and what I was, I could actually experience their love, respect and admiration, and could express my love, respect, and admiration for them.

The earlier you can discuss it, the better. Often, the real issues are more around the confusion, the feeling of being deceived, the feeling of not being trusted with this deep secret, and the concern about what others will think. Often, they are attracted to us BECAUSE we are more gentle, patient, and sensitive than most "Alpha Males" they have known. In reality, they are often, not that surprised when we tell them, or when they discover, but they are frustrated and fearful. Many women are afraid to even mention that we seem more "feminine" than other men, because they are afraid that they will damage our fragile male egos.

[MatildaJ.]

If you were happier single then you don't have anything to lose from being honest with her and explaining that you'll be taking every Sunday (or whatever day) to explore this new side of yourself.

[giuseppina]

Don't have a GF, but plan to inform her when things start to look like a LTR. The intent is to preempt any allegations of cheating or her finding my things or computer evidence I may leave behind.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Scarlett, I told my now GF before we started dating. I thought we had a good chance of our relationship being something special, and I wanted it to get off on the right foot. She was completely accepting, from the very first. I don't think it does anything for her, but the honesty I showed up front was a very big point in my favour. I am a bit different from a lot on here, in that I'm one of those "Dude in a dress" or skirt in my case. I am forming a somewhat different look from a lot on here, I am on the lookout for skirts that work with my my male shape. I like opaque or mostly opaque stockings that show my legs up nicely. The general tendency I have is to have a stylish sexy look, this is difficult, as men aren't usually expected to look "sexy" in a body conscious way. She doesn't have any issues with my dressing this way, I still haven't been very far afield dressed this way either, but she is willing to go out with me in a skirt, when I get the nerve to do so. As I said though, she would be cool however I wanted to dress, as long as I looked good. Jeans and t-shirt, or skirt and stockings, no big deal. I would like it if she had some preference for me showing off my body but as long as I'm clean and healthy it's all the same to her.

[mechamoose]

I guess I was lucky, because she knew I was odd & queer when we met. She ignored the warning signs and went ahead anyway.

- MM

[Deanna11]

i have been with my girlfriend a couple years, she moved in a year ago. I decided one night while she was at work to unleash the woman in me! I got all dressed and made up and when she came home i stepped out of the bathroom as Deanna! Her reaction was awesome, however there was some laughter which didn't do much for my self confidence! The laughter part she explained later was she thought i looked like her x mother in law....uh oh. So I have a different look now and she is quite amazed at the transformation! Its all cool, I just make sure i don't go overboard with it, she likes spending time with her guy too!

[Adriana Moretti]

yea gals are are tough cookies.....they may not always say it but they are either jealous, or envious , or something . I havent figured it out. I am done trying too...

[Kate T]

i have been with my girlfriend a couple years, she moved in a year ago. I decided one night while she was at work to unleash the woman in me! I got all dressed and made up and when she came home i stepped out of the bathroom as Deanna! Her reaction was awesome, however there was some laughter which didn't do much for my self confidence! The laughter part she explained later was she thought i looked like her x mother in law....uh oh. So I have a different look now and she is quite amazed at the transformation! Its all cool, I just make sure i don't go overboard with it, she likes spending time with her guy too!

Glad this worked out OK for you Deanna but to the OP, DONT DO THIS! The likelihood is it will go horribly pear shaped and I am yet to come across a GG on this forum or any other that said they were thought it was a good thing to see it all in their face first up.

[Beverley Sims]

My "girlfriends" wanted some male support to go out with them one night.
I was eighteen and looked twelve then, they were playing with makeup and I then became the experiment.
Four "girls" went out on the evening to a rock concert.
I was supposed to be their support "because I was a MAN" in case of trouble but I got hit on more than they did.
So, I found out and accepted "it".

[giuseppina]

Deanna11, I'm glad it worked out fine for you, but in general, the shock and awe method causes a lot of hard feelings; it's a long way from my first choice.

[Deanna11]

yes ,definetly not a method of coming out to your SO everyone should use, but my gal is very open minded and understanding, I am so lucky to be with someone like that!

[sometimes_miss]

I had started to crossdress again when the stresses of going to school full time, having to change jobs and having my income decrease by 60% which drastically affected our lifestyle, and being completely exhausted all the time took it's toll and I was no longer able to hold back the subconscious desire to express the feminine behavior and with it, dress the part. I had been crossdressing for about a year, always when my wife was at work, carefully making sure everything was hidden well before she came home. Unfortunately, this time when I got undressed, I accidently left my slip out, I'm not even sure where; all I know is that my wife came into the dining room and asked 'what's this?'. As she was getting ready to go to work, I knew I didn't have much time, so I told her it was mine; I only had a moment to decide whether to tell her the truth, or lie and say it was another woman's which would implicate me in having an affair that did not exist. In my mind, I had always planned for this; in my pink fog world, I had also always believed that all the other good things about me would outweigh the crossdressing, that she would be able to overlook that particular quirk about me. Oh how I was so, so wrong. But as I told her that the slip was mine, that I was a crossdresser, and explained how it all stemmed from being molested as a child, she still didn't believe me......until I showed her the size 15 high heels that I had hidden away. Her eyes grew wide as she took the shoe from my hand, having to realize that I was telling the truth. She was silent for a while, I guess contemplating what to say. All I remember her saying was that we would have to talk about it later, and she went to work, and she was clearly pissed off when she left the house that morning. It's hard to remember what happened when; it was a long time ago. But she was clearly upset. The first thing she wanted to know was, of course, was I gay. Next was did I want to become a woman, get the surgery, etc.. She wanted to know what else I wore, so I showed her some of the clothes, dresses, etc.. I'm not sure what she expected; she remarked 'you wear this?' as if it was the wrong type of female clothes, or maybe because it was simply age inappropriate, I don't know which. I wound up sleeping in the guest bedroom for a few nights. I gave her a few contact sites on the net, this was back in 1995; I think pflag was the first one she went to, then to a site for SO's of crossdressers. Then she found a therapist that specialized in TG persons, and we went there for the next two years. Initially, she was trying to be accepting, or so I thought, but I don't think that she ever could deal with the fact that I was not the all masculine man that she thought she married. In therapy, we discussed it and she admitted that had she known about all this, she never would have married me. It was all downhill after that. She got in contact with other wives of crossdressers online, as well as some other crossdressers, and I wound up getting into arguments with her because she was being told things that did not apply to me, she was believing the other people instead of me, even though our therapist was supporting what I was saying as well as my behavior. My wife didn't want any of that; she didn't like that there were explanations for my behavior; she just wanted everything to go back 'to normal'. She did not want a husband who wasn't 'all man'. And she figured out how to get rid of me. At some point she started being nice; even bought me some girl clothes. Helped me dress up, took pictures of me....which she later used as blackmail during the divorce, threatening to send copies to my friends, family and work if I did not sign over the house, bank accounts and assets to her. about six months before she asked for a divorce, she stopped any resistance; basically, she just let me do what i wanted, and left me alone to study (I was one semester away from finishing my degree). The night I came home from my final exam, she insisted on a divorce. I was stunned; I though things were o.k.. She then tried to trick me into leaving so that she could use abandonment to get the house, when that didn't work, the blackmail started. In the end, she got all the assets, and I took on all the credit card debt in the divorce settlement. Yes, I know, she commited a felony; I had the agreement she wanted in emails, so I could have filed charges and gotten everything back, but to do so, I would have to out myself to the world, and I couldn't live like that. So I lost everything.