Hi,
this is a difficult post for me and I have mixed emotions, strong
fear, sense of loss, of self betrayal.
Today I had the appointment with the gender clinic to have the
assessment of my therapy in these months.
She said that, although I have clearly "signs of GID", I have a pretty
much messy situation with my ex wife (this is true) and she does not
know how HRT emotionally could act on my spirit.
Moreover she said that during my life I have repressed GID in order to
have the project of a family realized, because I felt the loss of a family
in my childhood and she want me to continue therapy in order to know
if I have repressed GID to make a family as a husband because my
desire for family was stronger or GID was weaker, or both, or some
combination of.
...
She said to halt the gender therapy and to continue "normal" therapy,
she volunteered to talk to my normal therapist in order to instruct him
of my journey, what to analyze better, what to grasp.
---
She said that I had a "good" reaction. Well, I was petrified... I am a very
rational person, I said that I am also spiritual and that I tend to see the
"hand of God" everywhere and I told her that maybe her stop had a sense,
and that in any case the journey was worth it.
But how to continue MY life????
I have started long ago to present feminine and I feel better, my voice
passes, maybe my face not so much, but I really felt better in girl mode,
I also had found recently a really supportive LGBT group.
I have to give up Marina without hormones. This town is small, I could
go out in girl mode because there was a "history", a "reason", I was in
assessment. But now that the assessment is over and it has said no
I would be a cross dresser, which I am not (nothing wrong with x-dressing,
but I am not a CD)... instead I feel myself as Marina, I...
...really have had a good time as HER in these 10 months. Her inside AND outside,
even without hormones, just living as a normal woman. I was accepted,
apart from the mess with my wife... life could have been OK.
I turned home, conscious that these were the last steps as Marina,
dressed as Marina, feeling well as HER, as ME.
I turned the key in the door, the mirror reflected me, the female me, hurt and repressed, wounded and internally raped female.
I started crying, "good bye, Marina".
I cried and cried, but eventually I realized that this is not really a good bye.
I AM a woman, this fact no gender clinic is going to repress. I may halt to
present as a woman, but Marina has lived in me, she is still here, there is
a void, though, this sense of hopelessness, choicelessness, hurt and pain.
But also gratitude.
Gratitude to Marina, and also to you. all.
I have had a difficult life, and maybe this is really the "voice of God" that halts
me before doing a mistake, who knows. Even if now I feel lonely, hurt,
helpless, hopeless... maybe this is OK.
I repressed my GID also for being afraid of you, in general, as a "category". I was
raised catholic and anything variant was sin. My journey as Marina has brought
me to know you online and some T-women in real life. It was worth it.
My heart is filled with gratitude.
I do not know if, after reading the answers to this post and commenting, if
I will return to post here.
I do not know even if I have the RIGHT to return, given that a formal Italian gender
clinic specialized in trans sexuality has said me "stop!". Maybe they are right.
Maybe not. Maybe I have to fix the divorce mess before, and this is not
a real good bye but a "later" (whenever later may be).
I have to return HIM, but I really do not know how to be HIM any more.
What a pity...