"Must be gay!" What part bothers you?

[Charla McBee]

For me it's just the inaccuracy of it and the ignorance of the general public. A friend of mine recently posted on his facebook an article that politely explained that drag queens and transsexuals are often not the same thing with the comment "my brain just melted". I had no choice but to jump on that and at the risk of making his brain evaporate completely, informed him how real people go way beyond those two commonly known labels. I think he took my statement to heart but he unfortunately didn't ask me to elaborate.

People were throwing gay slurs at me from time to time before I ever tried on that first fateful pair of stockings and I still have no idea why. Although my mother did teach me to throw their label back at them by asking "why, are you looking for a date?" That shut a few people up at least. I guess kids can just smell minor differences and their instinct is to attack. My outward male persona is not a dishonesty but I am realizing now that I do have some feminine traits. At any rate, the slurs stopped after middle school which is kind of funny considering I started really CDing in high school.

Now that I have all that out of the way, I do think we really need to do some deep thinking on this sort of subject as a community. It seems to me that a lot of hetero male identifying CDers are very quick to shout that they aren't gay and aren't trans as though that will somehow allow them to still be part of mainstream society. "I'm wearing a dress but I'm all man, I swear!" If we must categorize people, I don't want to be misidentified either (as though I have any idea what I'm really supposed to be) but I think our quickness to shed these labels also has the potential to distance us from the only communities that tend not to reject us outright. It seems many CDers don't want to get lumped into the ever expanding LGBTQ umbrella because we think we can at least publicly blend into the culturally acceptable "normal" male category.

The truth is, I look down at the clothes I'm wearing right now, feel the makeup on my face and have no choice but to admit to myself that I don't fit the expected gender binary even if only two people actually know about that at the moment. That established, it's probably better to accept allies where I can find them than to try and strike it off on my own quietly saying "at least I'm not one of those people." Whatever you think you are, we are all dignified human beings and those of us who are marginalized by ignorance should probably stand together.

[Rogina B]

Nicely put Charla! Your last sentence conveys my thoughts that got me going on this thread..Why is it easier for the mainstream to understand that the "T"s are marginalized,than many of the "part time,amateur?"[fill in your own word] people that are also on the "T spectrum"?

[bimini1]

For some sexuality is certainly fluid. And I think the majority of folks look at TG/Gay as all the same thing. My mom still thinks I am somehow gay over the TG thing. I said to her hell gay is more accepted than this, don't you think if I revealed this to you I'd admit to being gay?
I've always adored women. However, as my girl side began to really express itself I will admit to being attracted to and have fantasies about some men. But it is not as man-on-man, its always as if I am in the role of a hetero woman. I don't consider that to be gay persay.

Fantasy is one thing, acting on it is entirely another.

Some will say well anatomically that is gayness, since after all you have the physiology, the plumbing of a male.
Some say true M2F TG is not born male, but mistakenly "assigned male at birth".

It depends on one's own perspective and how you self-ID I guess. It dosn't bother me as much as it used to. It is exactly what I expect most people who encounter me to say/think.

[sandra-leigh]

name calling is only hurtful if you take it to heart and not just brush it off.

You are assuming full conscious control over all body reactions, which is not the case. Stressful environments lead to measurable and permanent biological effects, such as reducing telomere length (telomeres protect the ends of chromosomes from damage but get shorter in the process). It has been shown in boys, shown in men, shown in parrots, and in various mouse models -- amongst other studies. Even typical city noise affects health

De-emphasizing the importance of the insults may help, but body reactions will still be present.

[CONSUELO]

People who make such pointless insults are telling us more about themselves than about the target of their puerile "insults".
It really doesn't matter. I know gay people. I work with gay people and my sister's surname was once Gay.
Just let it flow off and take no notice.

[CassieD]

It doesn't bother me at all. My mother asked me more than once if I was. As I used to tell her, I'm probably not, wouldn't be worried if I turned out to be.

[NicoleScott]

Many folks here bemoan the ignorance-driven stereotyping (for example, if you crossdress you must be gay) but given the opportunity to educate and inform choose to remain silent, reinforcing the stereotype. What do you expect?

[LilSissyStevie]

When I was still a teenager, a psychiatrist told me he thought I was a "latent homosexual" (maybe he was just fishing for a date!) I wasn't offended because I often wondered the same thing. But I think he was on to something. Life would have been much simpler if I could have been a gay bottom. I really wanted to be gay because that made sense to me. But it never happened. One thing is certain, I'm not straight. I don't relate to straight people at all. I guess queer works but that could mean anything outside of heteronormative.

[Charla McBee]

Many folks here bemoan the ignorance-driven stereotyping (for example, if you crossdress you must be gay) but given the opportunity to educate and inform choose to remain silent, reinforcing the stereotype. What do you expect?

I'm slightly hypocritical by saying this at the moment but I really think this is something we should be doing. We can only fight ignorance with information and we can only inform if we step out of the closet. It's a scary prospect as there will be consequences (which is why I'm not quite there yet) but I think in the long run it's something I want to do. There's no use sitting around complaining about the situation if you aren't willing to do anything about it.

I've clammed up in the past given the opportunity to speak up, thinking it was self-preservation but keeping a big part of myself hidden is a losing proposition in the end. Staying silent and in the shadows isn't helping me and it isn't helping anyone else.

[ArleneRaquel]

People will think whatever they want. I don't care, I live my life and the way I live, 24/7 as a female, is the perfect life for me. Know-nothings don't bother me, but I do wonder, at times, how can a person be so mean & hateful. My next door neighbor fits this picture.

[stacey diane]

Aren't the labelers the people most insecure about themselves?

[NicoleScott]

We can only fight ignorance with information and we can only inform if we step out of the closet.

I agree with the first part but disagree with the second. Say you're a CDer in the closet and intend to stay there, at least for now, for your own valid reasons. You're with a buddy and he says "Look, there's a transvestite - GAY!" Without outing yourself you can inform him. It's possible that he's not prejudiced, just ignorant (uninformed).

[StacyLynn]

I think what bothers me the most about it is what it does to younger crossdressers. Because it seems to be a common misconception that a crossdresser is automatically gay, it really made me question who I was when I was younger and I hated that. I was maybe 11 or 12 the first time I tried women's clothing and I liked it. In my youthful ignorance I thought nothing of it, however as I became a couple years older and was more exposed to the world and began to comprehend it better, it became clear that the general idea was that if you crossdress, you're gay. That sent me into the downward spiral in which I questioned my identity. For many years I thought that I "must be gay". I didn't feel gay, I wasn't attracted to men, I was attracted to girls. But that confused me, because society was basically telling me I was gay. It wasn't until I tried experimenting with another man that I realized that I wasn't gay (if anything I'm bisexual, I didn't love sex with men, but I didn't hate it either, however I do prefer girls), which of course led to more confusion. It wasn't until I started reading more about it on the internet starting just a few years ago that I finally realized I wasn't alone in how I felt. I finally found others that said they were attracted to women and completely straight, yet enjoyed dressing as a woman. But anyway, that's why I don't like the notion that "crossdressers must be gay," and I hope that there a very few people that go on questioning who they are for as long as I did.

[Teresa Monsivais]

We all have ran into this I'm sure, people questioning our sexuality. At first it bothered me but now I know who I am and who I am attracted to. My response to those who are unaware of human sexuality is somewhat of an ignorant response. I simply say, "if I were gay than this would make sense to me, the reason why it has been hard to accept is that I am a heterosexual male who likes to dress up as a female". I know it's not the best accurate answer but they seem to display the "light bulb turned on" look.

[Helen_Highwater]

The thing we should be bothered with is the fact that it is an indicator of just how ill informed great swathes of the populous are. There is the occasional public figure (Eddie Izzard ) that's openly CD and professes his heterosexual nature but what the public see most are drag queens who will pick on male members of an audience and use sexuality to embarrass them even if the performer isn't gay so reinforcement of the stereotype take place. The audience gets what the audience paid to see.
Even those trail blazers from this site who are out and about on a regular basis aren't going to have loads of opportunities to discuss their sexual preferences with any member of the public they happen to meet. It's not the sort of thing that normally pops into the conversation.
Perhaps we need a tee shirt campaign something like; "I love women" on the front; "And I love wearing their clothes" on the back.

[lpjamey]

To be honest I used to tell myself the same thing. I have struggled with the thought of being gay for many years, I always come back to the fact that I truly adore women. So much so I need to dress like one just to be near one.

[lpjamey]

If I were a gg I would definitely be gay!