time for another rant

[FurPus63]

From the time we decide to transition and "come-out" to everyone; live our lives full-time as women, we make a choice to ruin our lives forever! Unbelievable. The emotional pain of this conditon (GD) drives us to do things no "normal" person would ever do, including making the hardest choice a person can possibly imagine.

Tonight I found out that the women's bowling league I joined last September, attempting to "integrate" into female society (whatever that means, but something I heard I should do) knew from the beginning I was trans and never said anything! Now on one hand it's sort of cool that they accepted me and allowed me to be on the league, use the woman's room at the bowling alley, etc... and never said a thing; but at the same time I was soooooo embrarassed! OMG! I can't believe it!

My bowling team leader actually turned it on me saying, "you should have told us, but I knew. I googled you the second week..." I was flabergasted!

I was told by my therapist not to tell anyone. She said if someone is not a close, close friend, they don't have to know or I shouldn't feel obligated to tell. She said that kind of thing is for close friends. So I listened to her advice. I feel it is good advice, but now I am wondering??? Should I have listened to my intuition and told my bowling team?

I was afraid because the league rules state, "the teams shall comprise of five females" and as we all know, technically we're not female. At least not legally here in Michigan, unless we have surgery. So....I kept my mouth shut out of fear, I could be kicked out of the league on a technicality.

As it turned out, all this time. All these months. All these women knew! I think even the men from the otherside of the alley knew. I felt very uncomfortable and weird when the men from the men's league would come around and flirt with all the girls on our team. All the girls but me. In fact, most of them couldn't even look me in the eye, would never say "hi" or introuduce themselves or talk to me. I was given a dumb excuse, "oh they don't know you and they know all of us," but I had my doubts that was it.

Now I know the truth and boy do I feel like a dumb***! I knew in my heart that I should have talked to my team about it. I knew it. I would have felt so much better. Just like I did when I joined my church choir and was upfront about it. Acceptance feels more genuine when you tell others the truth about being trans and still receive it.

So once again, here I sit feeling "weird." Feeling "out of it." Feeling like I have something wrong with me. Yes, they were nice to me. But here was this big secret, the elephant in the room that everyone knew but nobody dared to say anything about. It just feels really weird and once again, I feel this never would have been the case, if I had just been born a girl!

Paulette

[vikki2020]

They all "knew"---but, they all treated you like "one of the girls", Paulette! What's not to like? Hey, roll with the punches--I'm sure you know how. I think you found a great group! And,as for the guys--- oh,well. Maybe guy them a beer!

[ArleneRaquel]

I would love to be treated "as one of girls", in fact thats my aim, even thought I rarely pass, especially up close.

[arbon]

Why should that be information we have to tell people?

I don't tell people I am trans, I would not have in your situation either. I do assume they will figure it out quick enough on their own and if they want to bring it up with me fine, if not then I probably wont bring it up with them either. They can hear about me from other people, or my name change still comes up first page of a google search of my name, or friend me on FB where I am pretty open about who trans stuff. But it does not mean I should be obligated to tell people like I am some kind of freak they need to be warned about. I just don't make it a big deal.

[AllieSF]

So, that is now history. What do you plan to do? As was said above, they have already accepted you on their team. At least you can enjoy that fact and continue to enjoy their company. So what if they now know? Good luck.

[FurPus63]

Why should that be information we have to tell people?

I don't tell people I am trans, I would not have in your situation either. I do assume they will figure it out quick enough on their own and if they want to bring it up with me fine, if not then I probably wont bring it up with them either. They can hear about me from other people, or my name change still comes up first page of a google search of my name, or friend me on FB where I am pretty open about who trans stuff. But it does not mean I should be obligated to tell people like I am some kind of freak they need to be warned about. I just don't make it a big deal.

That's the whole point. I didn't tell them. They looked me up on the internet and investigated me right at the beginning of the season, then chose to keep it a secret from me that they knew! Isn't that sort of embarrassing? I find it that way? Not to mention, one has to question what kind of society do we live in today where people have to investigate you on the internet because you join a bowling league?! OMG! Isn't it getting a little ridiculous? If the woman would have just taken me aside and asked me, I would have had no problem telling her; it was all this secret investigating, plus the fact that apparently it got spread around and "everyone knew" for all those months. All the secrecy of it. It was just really weird and uncomfortable and like I said a little embarassing to find out.

[whowhatwhen]

Could another way of looking at it be that they chose to respect you and your r privacy and not request such a personal detail from you?
Everyone googles each other nowadays, there's a good chance they'd look up anyone.

[arbon]

You did not tell them but from what you wrote it sound like she /they thought you should have and you seem to leaning to the idea that they are right that you should have told them.

I just don't think you should feel so obligated, but also to understand that people will most likely find out one way or another. I usually take that as given. If they want to bring the issue up fine, I will respond in a so what kind of way? whats the big deal?

[Angela Campbell]

I figure it is a medical condition and a need to know kind of thing. No I wouldn't tell them even if asked.

I have several girlfriends and I am accepted as one of them. Do they know? Who cares.

[Persephone]

I totally get how you feel, Paulette. I'm in some groups where I am totally accepted as "one of the girls" and yet I wonder "Do they know?" I'm in other groups where I know they know and they still totally don't give a damn, I'm "one of the girls." Sometimes it gets to me too. But then I remember something, they accept you because they like you, and you are "one of the girls." No-one, born GG or not, can really ask for more than that.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[kerrianna]

Could another way of looking at it be that they chose to respect you and your r privacy and not request such a personal detail from you?
Everyone googles each other nowadays, there's a good chance they'd look up anyone.

This.
You will be happier if you can embrace and accept that you are female but one with a unique route to womanhood. You will always be you, always came from that path, but I have found that when people accept me as female and embrace me as such, that it's better not to project my own fears and wounds and to instead EMBRACE it myself!

If you keep focusing on how you were broken, wrong, weird, whatever you may have felt at one time, you will interfere with not only your own path to happiness and joy but also the ability of others to accept and embrace you as you are and wish to be. Let them do that for you. The fact they didn't say anything means, to me, and from my own experience, that they accepted you as one of the girls. So BE ONE. So what if you are different in some ways? One thing I have found is EVERYONE has a thing, something that makes them feel weird or different. Esp women. The more you are NOT embarrassed by your own uniqueness the less others will feel awkward or embarrassed for you too. So when people seem cool with it, just soak it up and remind yourself... if they are cool with it, maybe you can be more so too. And that is the path to healing and freedom of spirit hon. Embrace it, not the worry, fear, doubts, regrets, etc.

[stefan37]

You should not have feel guilty disclosing your trans status. I joined some business networking groups to get my feet wet and Just recently joined a sailing club. I joined as Stephanie and have gone to 2 meetings and a party. I have also participated in 3 work sessions getting the boats ready for the upcoming season. I am sure many either know or suspect, but I have not disclosed nor will I disclose. If somebody wants to discuss it I will be more than happy to discuss it.
If you want to integrate into society as female then you have to be female. Genetic women do not elaborate on their masculine features and you should not either.

I look at it this way. You say the leader googled you and found out, yet said nothing to you. I think that says volumes about their level of acceptance. Go about your life and integrate. It is very difficult to overcome many years of socialization in the wrong gender, but is essential if we are integrate successfully. Going around screaming to the world you are transsexual is not the way to do it.

[docrobbysherry]

Thanks for your post, Paulette. There's so much more to being trans than just dressing up and playing pretend like so many of us CD's do.

I'm sorry it has to be so complicated and that u can't just be the girl u want to be! It's not fair or rite. The thot of all those man giving u the cold shoulder for no other reason but that you're trans makes me so sad!

[Eryn]

If you are truly TS then there should be no issue. Your previous status is like a medical condition. You might know that someone had cancer, but that does not change your relationship with them and you are unlikely to bring it up. That is how your friends handled your previous condition.

Stop doubting and be the woman you are!

[PretzelGirl]

I am with those that said that if they Googled you and said nothing, that it says a lot about their acceptance. We live in an on-line driven, curious society. People Google everything. I would stick with looking at their overall actions. They took you in and treated you as the lady you are.

Think about the alternative. You have chosen a path of not telling anyone. If you start thinking that maybe you should have told this group, then you might start thinking the same thing every time you meet more people. Your choice is the life you decided you wanted. Stick with it! You can't control everyone else but you can control yourself.

As far as being a woman in a bowling league, if it is a USBC sanctioned league and you submitted a membership at the beginning of the year, then they have long entered you in their database as such. There is nothing more to worry about there.

[Badtranny]

I just assume everyone knows. Plenty of people do, some don't.

It really doesn't matter to me either way. I'm not ashamed of who I am OR who I used to be.

I think it's great that you wrote about that particular heartbreak because people here need to know how difficult it is to live this way. Late transitioners don't pass very well, it's a sad and awful fact.

[Michelle789]

Paulette,

I'm really sorry to hear about this too.

I'm sorry it has to be so complicated and that u can't just be the girl u want to be! It's not fair or rite. The thot of all those man giving u the cold shoulder for no other reason but that you're trans makes me so sad!

What saddens me the most is how they found out you were trans. They didn't read or clock you as being trans. They didn't see tell tale signs of maleness in you. You didn't tell them. The bowling team leader decided to to a Google search, and then decided to tell the rest of the team and then word spread to the men's team.

Now I will say that the men giving you the cold shoulder may have been for reasons other than being trans. Being trans isn't the only reason we get treated like crap. Maybe the bowling team has a clique and decided that you, the new member, were not part of it. Maybe the guys have a thing with the clique too. Unfortunately, cliques, and avoiding talking to people who are not part of the clique, is just part of life and will happen whether your trans or not.

However, as much as it sucks, you are an inspiration to me that you're able to be your true self. And yes, being TS is a birth defect, that's all.

[PaulaQ]

I was told by my therapist not to tell anyone. She said if someone is not a close, close friend, they don't have to know or I shouldn't feel obligated to tell. She said that kind of thing is for close friends. So I listened to her advice. I feel it is good advice, but now I am wondering??? Should I have listened to my intuition and told my bowling team?

Paulette, I'm so sorry you went through this. Being outed like that is really painful - yeah, I can believe you feel like an idiot being the ONLY one who believed your secret. I've had it done to me, and it sucked. Just before my wife kicked me out of our home, I realized that *everyone* in town knew I was trans - just a ton of people, and I never knew they knew, and some of them knew for months. It put me in considerable physical danger. It was really unfair of my wife to do that to me. But she did.

I'm not good at giving advice about being stealth - I don't intend to be. However, I think your therapist should only have given you that advice if you really want to live stealth. (And if you do, if googling you will out you, then your efforts aren't going to be too successful.) I can understand the desire to be treated decently, like a genetic woman would be. And I think in your situation, I'd probably leave that bowling team and league, telling the leader she had no right to do to you what she did. (Trans women have killed themselves over stuff like this.) But as I said - I am not the person to ask about stealth - I would've been pretty open about being trans. I just don't make much effort to hide it in the first place.

It's not that I think leaving your friends on the league is such a great idea, but it seems to me that you have to be either completely invisible, or out. There's not a lot of middle ground here. If you want to stay in the league, hey, you are out to them, and at least you can just be yourself without worrying about a secret. Either choice isn't wonderful from your perspective, I'm sure.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, and I hope you find a way through it.

[stefan37]

If you want to be treated as the woman you are , then be that woman. Disclosing to those that have known you before transition is one thing. Disclosing to strangers is completely different. Disclosing your trans status is counter productive. Why not walk around with a large red T around our necks, then people won't have to guess. If nobody is asking, then why feel guilty or compelled to disclose. If they do ask and you feel uncomfortable discussing it , Then don't discuss it. Just say I would rather not discuss my past.

Stealth is out of the question for me. I have lived in this state for a long long time. I mentioned I joined the sailing club and already 2 members know people I know. One is a fellow contractor that is a patient of the doctor in the club. Another knows my brother from working together on the base. My brother even mentioned he was his boss for a few weeks. So here are 2 strangers that only know me as Stephanie and they know people from my past that knew me as Steve. I have been treated with respect and really that is all we can hope for.

We were born the way we were, there is no way to change that. But we can change how we move forward.

[Carlene]

I feel for you,........

Carlene

[rian]

Dear Paulette ...Despite of the hard truth that all knew about your real Identity but still let us confess they were extremely nice and respectful about it ....I know... it does hurt but at least you became one of the girls ,,,superb ..

..Yet on the other hand were you upset because no one of the guys has flirted with you !!!! I will definitely will be upset because I love to be spotted once a while as a beautiful girl .

Nevertheless I wish you the best of luck my dear and hope you can be happy with your group like always .

[Rianna Humble]

Rian, her real identity is Paulette, any suggestion to the contrary is offensive.

[Xrys]

Paulette,

You have my deepest condolences. This situation frustrates me and really gets my b**** motor running.

I can understand being curious and googling somebody else, especially if you are accepting a new member to a group you are leading. That is fine, but she had no business running her mouth off to anybody about it but you. It is none of their business who or what you used to be. What matters is who you are now.

It may speak volumes of how they may accept you, but it also speaks volumes to me that they do not respect you. If she had any respect for you she should have come to you first, and talked to you about it and let you tell the rest of the group if she felt they should know. That is not what she did. She went and ran her mouth behind your back and took it upon herself to let everybody else now your private details, and that to me does not show any respect to you or your privacy.

If it were me, I would not stay with this group, and I would not trust them half as far as I could throw them. Now, maybe I am missing something, or maybe I am reading more into this than what is really there, or maybe my already bad mood is coloring this, but that is how I feel about this, and I am sorry you have had to put up with this BS.