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Thread: Finding my path . . .

  1. #1
    Senior Member melissaK's Avatar
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    Finding my path . . .

    I haven’t posted much in a year and I wanted to give an update on my journey.

    First for the old forum regulars you may remember me, for newer ones, look at my join date. I have been around the block and paid my dues and have done more self analysis than the average bear, and I have counseling bills to prove it. In a nutshell I have known since pre-k I was a girl, I have the childhood traumas from grade school where it was made clear to me I wasn’t a girl and had better act like a boy. My secret life inner life and struggles to fit in began then. I learned about MTF-TS but was confounded because they all wanted to have sex with men and I didn’t. I eventually accepted that you can be MTF and have a lesbian sexual orientation. I started myself on HT a decade ago, and I knew it was the right thing.

    But the closeted secret life I lived was killing me. In January 2013 I decided I was going to live my life “out” to my wife, friends and family, and I self declared my freedom to be me. My wife knew pre-marriage, but I had stayed closeted so it was pretty meaningless to her what I was holding back. When I came “out” I anticipated the full MTF-SRS was my path, but by March, after the angst of a repressed life cleared, I felt different.

    I was on MTF HT, but the SRS route wasn’t feeling like a natural fit, it felt forced. It was as if everyone told me it was the only way, and I rethought that, and realized others (albeit a small minority of others) preferred the middle.

    I reflected on gender and societies designated acoutrements of gender. I re-read Kate Bornstein, Gender Outlaw, and did her My Gender Workbook, and both held new meaning. I remembered a 20 year old essay I read in Tapestry or Chrysalis or Aegis, by Sheila Kirk, MD, about “why not have breasts and a penis too?” That essay had always stuck with me.

    I rejected the SRS path and aimed for something in the middle, the “Gender Outlaw” path. I still consider myself MTF-TS, my heart is that of a woman, but many do not think I am TS. Many think being TS means you must go on to become the opposite gender. The labeling arguments, and “true TS” arguments get tiresome. Kate Bornstein did the full MTF-SRS path and backtracked to the middle. She struggled with this same nomenclature debate and gave meaning to the “Gender Outlaw” expression.

    I am married (still), and I need to say this because it is important about who I am, and despite my disagreement, some who I respect think it is "THE" reason why I am Gender Outlaw and have concluded SRS is a bad fit for me. I have always been in love with my wife, and she with me. We have strong romantic streaks, are an emotionally close and involved couple, and both family oriented. No matter what gender I present in, she is the object of my desire.

    And I can’t deny that this love greatly affects my decisions. She has a negative interest in a lesbian relationship (I get it, I have negative interest in men). And in January 2013 I was heart broken that the consequence of my decision was the probable loss of this relationship, as was she.

    But by May 12, 2013 my wife trusted my stated intent to be in the “Gender Outlaw” middle enough to find middle ground with me and we recommitted ourselves to each other. She is amazing in that she has done this. In the last year I have continued to explore myself and how I want to express my gendered self, and she has explored how much trans gender expression she is comfortable with. Some compromises come easy; Love alone holds some of them together.

    So, here I am. In the middle. I am fine being “Gender Outlaw.” On MTF HT for a long time I have breasts of my own (38B/C), I still have a functioning penis (I carefully watch the Spiro dosage), I have long hair (think metal rock band), I present male, but from behind or in a glance I get mistaken as a woman. The degree to which my clothes are blended and my breasts show depends upon whom I am around. But it is working for me. . . I am not hiding; I am getting to be “me.”

    The point I’d like to make is that this gender stuff is wrapped up in your feelings and logic and culture and spouses and jobs and kids and all else that makes up your life. The path to express your transgenderedness may not be clear to you. Just know there are a lot of custom paths taken by many who have gone before you to express their transgenderedness.

    Find YOUR path. And if you are genuinely struggling, perhaps suicidal, just do whatever it takes to make your life worth living.
    Hugs,
    'lissa

    "The second life isn't like the first one, is it?"
    "Sometimes, it's even better."
    ~ Elektra Natchios & Stick, Elektra (Movie) 2005, R. Metzner, S. Zicherman, Z. Penn

  2. #2
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    Good for you.
    Only you know what is right for you, there is no right or wrong.
    Just a difference of opinion.

    If you have found your place in the scheme of things, if you feel content and happy.
    Then congratulations, the labels are not important.

  3. #3
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    Wonderful to read you have found your path! Many of us have similar issues, but yet are different. Perhaps that is why we are classified as "individuals". Each of has to first accept who and where we are on the gender scale before we can become comfortable and confident with our life. Enjoy.

  4. #4
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    Nice to hear from you again, Melissa. We each have a path to walk in this life. Some are a little more rocky and steep than others. We need to find that place where we feel comfortable in our lives and can fully function. Yours seems to be someplace in the middle. If you are content with where you are at, then get on with life and don't look back. You have wasted too much time with this gender stuff. Go be you and be the best you, you can be.

  5. #5
    Silver Member kittypw GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by melissaK View Post
    I have always been in love with my wife, and she with me. We have strong romantic streaks, are an emotionally close and involved couple, and both family oriented. No matter what gender I present in, she is the object of my desire.

    And I can’t deny that this love greatly affects my decisions. She has a negative interest in a lesbian relationship (I get it, I have negative interest in men). And in January 2013 I was heart broken that the consequence of my decision was the probable loss of this relationship, as was she.

    l, just do whatever it takes to make your life worth living.

    I suspect that you are truly the object of her desires as well. I find this to be the best love story I have ever read. I hope others can find peace as you have. We are all who we are regardless of the clothes we wear. Life is too short to not love yourself and be at peace. Thank you for sharing 'lissa

    I just wanted to add that there is no limit to the bond two people can have when they are honest about themselves and come to love and accept themselves. This is when they can share themselves purely with the ones they love. Just beautiful Melissa.
    Last edited by kittypw GG; 04-22-2014 at 06:36 PM. Reason: post script

  6. #6
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    What works for you is the right choice. I am glad you and your wife have found a way that works for both of you. And honestly, your life won't be one bit better or worse because some people may or may not agree with how you use a label.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  7. #7
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    I had always experienced dissonance pertaining to sex when attempting to perform so it was not about hate of my genitalia but more feeling "unnatural" and this carried over to other things like body hair which also never felt natural to the touch and left me feeling "unclean"

    It feels natural to run my hands over my skin and it be free of hair and smooth. It seems natural to feel the curve of breasts even though the attention from others was a little stressful at first.

    My mind always wanted a mixture of softness and hardness as the body I lived in just as I needed this emotional softness but with a type of quiet strength underneath so that I'm not passive or dominant but just me.

    This way of relating to the world made up of others never worked when they experienced me as a man but seems perfectly natural to them as a woman.

    I'm still exactly the same on the inside and only the outside has changed but now people experience me as "normal" instead of "abnormal"

    GRS is a very personal choice but if you do not experience dissonance with a penis as "body image" or sexually than in my opinion you are better off not taking the risk of losing your ability to feel sexual pleasure or the risk of surgery and everything that goes with it.

    Being transsexual is filled with contradictions and paradoxes in that we claim to be woman regardless of the body we are born with yet insist that you are only a woman after complete physical change.

    On some level this smacks of hypocrisy

    I'm not a believer that the body makes the man or the woman but the body does partially decide what kind of man or woman you can be and as far as what kind of man or woman you can be this has more to do with others perception of you than what is between your legs.

    What is between your legs is more about the intimate relationship you have with your body so is much more a solitary private choice than a public one.

    I suppose this is why I become uneasy when someone "wants to see" or "wants to show" after GRS. I don't understand the lack of privacy or boundaries.

    Welcome back Melissa and I have always thought of and experienced you as a woman.
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 04-22-2014 at 08:03 PM.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by melissaK View Post
    I rejected the SRS path and aimed for something in the middle, the “Gender Outlaw” path. I still consider myself MTF-TS, my heart is that of a woman, but many do not think I am TS. Many think being TS means you must go on to become the opposite gender. The labeling arguments, and “true TS” arguments get tiresome.
    Melissa, it doesn't matter if anyone here believes you are TS or not. I don't care what anybody here thinks. It seems as though you're apologizing for your own path that is working for you. I think we get too caught up in the expected path of the "TS roadmap". There are members here who compromise and don't get to a full transition because of health, money, personal choice or personal baggage. Anything is better than suffering and HRT always seems to help us. I agree that just having a better quality of life is better than being depressed and suicidal. Life is about choices.

  9. #9
    Silver Member Annaliese's Avatar
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    Well written, find your own path to happiness good advice.

  10. #10
    Member Carlene's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for posting this Melissa.........it means a great deal to me.........Carlene

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by melissaK View Post
    ... I rejected the SRS path and aimed for something in the middle, the “Gender Outlaw” path. I still consider myself MTF-TS, my heart is that of a woman, but many do not think I am TS. Many think being TS means you must go on to become the opposite gender. The labeling arguments, and “true TS” arguments get tiresome. ...
    It can be tiresome, but the distinctions exist for reasons of rationalizing and properly directing medical treatment.

    Aside from that, though, I have trouble understanding minimizing terminology on one hand while holding fast to it with the other. So, talking about who is a MTF TS is tiresome but oh, by the way, it is important to mention that you are a MTF TS as well as emphasize yet another term ("gender outlaw")? I would guess from your comments that discussion of philosophical or even medical views on what constitute transsexuality are less tiresome to you then perhaps suggestions that you aren't transsexual. This humble deconstruction is not aimed at reigniting the true transsexual argument, however. Rather, it's prefatory to asking you why it is so important to you to be considered a MTF TS?

    What is wonderful is that you found a solution that works in so many ways. For the relief of your gender/sex issues. For the conceptual clarity you express. And for the preservation and even apparent renewal of your marriage in some ways. The last must be particularly gratifying as it is something that is greater than the sum of its parts, and was an unexpected benefit. Not a settlement, not a compromise, but a positive add. I would say that you have not only solved the problem, you have done very well indeed.
    Last edited by LeaP; 04-24-2014 at 12:53 AM.
    Lea

  12. #12
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    good to hear from you Melissa and I am glad you have found a happy place with your wife.
    Professional thread killer.

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