A question for those here who identify as male :)

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I have to ask this as it's one of those niggling GG questions I can't get out of my head!

1) Why does crossdressing eventually become an innate part of your personality? Most here say they discovered CD out of childish curiosity - that you felt 'drawn' to try on female clothing. I don't find this unusual, to be honest, as kids love to do things that are taboo. What I don't understand is how it becomes THAT much bigger when you're older, growing from a simple, regular enjoyment of women's clothing to the point where you're using a female name, outing yourself to family and shopping at Walmart in a wig. I mean, a few years back I watched a cooking show and suddenly became determined to try figs (never eaten them but they looked great on this show) so I went out, bought some and ate them. My curiosity paid off and I realised I really liked figs. I now consider myself a happy, habitual fig consumer, but I don't consider myself a fig expert who should now start a fig farm and change my entire life to accommodate my fig consumption.

So why does a simple crossdressing curiosity eventually become an identity for so many here? Is crossdressing really that innate, or does natural male competitiveness mean you are driven to perfect all interests, and yes, you would eventually start a fig farm, lol.

And don't pretend you're all not competitive either. Just check out the picture threads!!

[Rachael Leigh]

This is a great question and really not sure there is a answer. For me as a child I try to think what was it that made me want to try on moms clothes. My sisters clothes were cuter but didn't really fit.
Once I tried on the dress and undies it was just fun but after a while it's all I wanted at times to have my own cute dresses or skirts but never acted on it except on very few occasions.
I just can't come up with a why it's a question I just don't think I will ever have the answer

[savannaxdrsser]

A very good questions and i cant help with agree with all the answers given. It is just how we are wired, I believe we just have a very strong feminine side and wish to express it, wearing womens things is the easiest way, but im sure many of us express it in other ways also. I feel so wonderful when i dress, i feel sexy, and alive! I am so glad we have a place to share that with others. May never answer why, it just Is!

[Skyeyes]

I cannot give you a definitive answer. I have wondered if the life-long desire to wear female clothing is a result of our initial exploration of female clothing during the time we were forming our sexual identity. I am an underdresser. I like wearing bras, slips, panties and stockings. I have no desire to go beyond that point. As I reflect back to my first experiences of wearing my mother's underwear, I think it made me feel sexually closer to females because I was able to wear the same intimate clothing that they did. It made me feel good and it let me feel what women feel in their intimate clothing. I am sure at first it was a sexual rush, a taboo if you will. Now I find it gives me a level of inner peace when I wear a bra and/or panties.

[dana digs sweaters]

It's fun.
Was fun to crossdress while young.
Being out on Halloween, at school too, with the perfect excuse to do so.
Still fun as an adult to present as female. No, I will never try to fool anyone that I am a woman, but I want to enjoy myself out & about while dolled up.
I use a girl name because I don't feel like introducing myself to anybody as Ralph.
Walmart??? Bleh!

[PaulaQ]

My belief is that it's because they suffer from a progressive, if milder, form of gender dysphoria, and over time it gets worse. It also comes and goes episodically.

Since essentially the same symptoms happen with people who ultimately transition, I believe the conditions are related - although in the case of someone who transitions, GD is sometimes a hellish nightmare where death would be a mercy.

[Dianne S]

My belief is that it's because they suffer from a progressive, if milder, form of gender dysphoria,

This. I agree completely. On another forum, someone asked (of crossdressers): "If you could magically, instantly and painlessly turn your body into a woman's body, would you?" and the answers were overwhelmingly "Yes". I think crossdressing and transsexualism are not that different... they are just different points on a spectrum. For most crossdressers, the occasional presentation as female is enough to satisfy and they don't feel the need to undergo the extremely difficult process of transition... but they would if it were magically easy.

[Lucy_Bella]

Hi Tinkerbell,

There are many reasons why as you can see ..I for one do not find the need to leave my closet but I could never say that it has always been that way..

I have had the urge to be seen but that has now past ..Looking back ,I have to tied the urge to be seen as excitement or a thrill in a non "gender identifying way" ..Never have gone out except to a safe club once and I've lost that urge since..I feel it was associated more to a sexual thrill ..

I started at a young age ,as far back as I can remember but I have never felt like a girl or identified as one ..By saying that it was more of a sexual thrill to me but not being what most would think one as to being and more like intensifying the "o" experience ..

[sometimes_miss]

1) Why does crossdressing eventually become an innate part of your personality?

As you read more, you'll discover that a lot of us started crossdressing very early in life, for whatever reason. As we continue to do it, the behavior of feeling as if we either are a girl or are supposed to be a girl eventually becomes part of our personality during a vulnerable period of development. And once you've reached puberty, it's permanent; there's no known way to remove it. The nearest comparison I can give you is this: It's well known that when children learn a language at an early age, they will be able to speak it without an accent from their first language. But if you learn a new language after puberty, you WILL have an accent in any languages you learn afterward. This is because the part of our brains associated with speaking and language 'finalize', if you will, and it becomes permanent at about the same age as puberty, perhaps influenced by the same chemistry changes in us that cause the secondary sexual characteristics to take place. In much the same way, I believe (based on everything we know about sexual identity) that our self identification becomes permanent, and for us, it leaves a permanent feeling of wanting to either dress, dress and behave, or even BE female. There is no exact science in this; gender identity studies are still in their infancy, and very very few therapists know anything about it. All the rest of us have to go on, is our own experiences and our discussions with others who share similar gender identity 'distortions'. And not all of us are competitive in crossdressing, either. I believe that a lot of the picture threads you refer to are simply guys who desparately want reinforcing feedback that tells them that they pass, that they could be a beautiful female should they want to become one.
Also please remember the tremendous sense of guilt virtually every male is imprinted with throughout our entire lives, that to be anything feminine it the worst possible thing we can be, and if we dare to do it or even worse, enjoy and embrace it, then we are the lowest of the low, the worst examples of what humans can be. After all, much of society detests us, finds us repulsive, want us banished away from their children lest they become 'infected' with the transgender thoughts. And it leaves perhaps 95% of us without any love or affection from anyone at all; and that's a killer. We can do without sex, at least with other people. Basic sexual urges and needs can be satisfied by masturbation; but the need for physical affection cannot be fulfilled alone; you can't give yourself a hug, you can't cry on your own shoulder when you're sad, you can't comfort yourself when someone you know dies. The stress of all this, of course, eventually wears us down, making us more susceptible to infections disease, autoimmune disorders, high blood pressure, all sorts of health problems. The worst are the addictions, the desparate attempts at coping mechanisms when all else has failed; alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders (that's mine, more on that later).

. What I don't understand is how it becomes THAT much bigger when you're older, growing from a simple, regular enjoyment of women's clothing to the point where you're using a female name, outing yourself to family and shopping at Walmart in a wig.

A lot of us subconsciously suppress the desire, even the thoughts about crossdressing, nearly 100% of the time. Consider when you're physically hungry; sure, you can hold off, even though your stomach is growling for something. But it's constantly there, reminding you that it's empty, and the more you ignore it, the stronger the signals that it's empty become, sometimes even to the point of pain, and at some point you simply cannot ignore it anymore. Crossdressing is the same way, just in the brain. And of course, over the years, it all builds up, sometimes eventually 'exploding' when we can't hold it back anymore. Let's face it, a great percentage of us really believe in miracles, and believe that if we keep praying, eventually god will hear us and help us. As life goes on, it becomes clear that it's never going to happen. So we start to take things into our own hands, sometimes even to the point of fully transitioning and sexual reassignment surgery. And for those, the positive reinforcement about how much we can be accepted as a female is critical. So for that I truly wish you don't be too downtrotten on the guys who want to be told how pretty they are and how well they pass. A lot of us realize that it's not true, it just feels nice to be told it, and here, getting a message from someone with a female name, with an avatar of an at least somewhat passable mtf, we can sort of believe for a while that REAL GG's will accept us that way, too.
I hope this helps answer your questions. For more insight, click on the link to my bio in which you'll discover how a normal boy can become TS, or at least believe he is, and by believing that through childhood years it becomes a permanent part of who he is.

[Tracii G]

I find it relaxing to step out of one gender presentation and into another and I don't think its leading to anything.
I really don't like my male side all that much and enjoy my female side tremendously.

[linda lynn]

I find it relaxing to step out of one gender presentation and into another and I don't think its leading to anything.
I really don't like my male side all that much and enjoy my female side tremendously.

I really love my female side most of the time, the calm that it gives me is very nice, and like you said I don't like my male side very much either.

[Zylia]

Essentially, this is another way of asking "why do cross-dressers exist" (all cross-dressers identify as male as per common definitions) and that question doesn't really have an answer yet. Paula's and Alex's explanations ring true to me, but what you really should take away from it is that it's more complicated than a case of healthy curiosity turned into a less healthy habit or obsession. It's a (benign) psychological condition.

I wouldn't overvalue the whole name thing though. I assume that Tinkerbell isn't your real name either, although that would be pretty awesome.

[Amanda M]

Tinkerbell - Hi! You experiment with wearing female clothing. It feels good. You experiment some more. It feels better. Probably to a great extent it is just normal human behavior.

People behave the way they do because their behavior brings a reward. The reward can be almost anything - getting away with being 'naughty', feeling physically or mentally good, enjoying looking feminine - endless possibilities. The tendency is of course to repeat behavior than brings a reward -and that behavior will persist until either the reward disappears, or the disadvantages outweigh the perceived benefits.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Interesting answers! (Hi Amanda )

Zylia, you made me laugh with the name comment. I don't think I'd survive my life of the reluctant soccer mom for very long, calling myself Tinkerbell. I guess the names are not so important then? Makes sense that it's a sort of 'undercover' tool, as mine is.

And Paula, as always you make sense But so do those saying it's fun and uncomplicated and not everyone even reaches the level I'm speaking of. My H hasn't, but I've seen potential and it always puzzles me. He never seems upset with the level he's at so I always wonder if he's not just pushing the envelope because it's there to push?

Wow, I tell you, it's seriously hard to come at all this from a GG position. I try to put myself in the place of everyone here and fail every time. My head always goes back to the 'I don't get it!' place I'm caught.

I also thought I'd mention that I don't question the existence of crossdressers. In my mind, human life is an eclectic thing and it takes all types. You're as natural as the next person. I'm just confused about the path it takes as I know personally I've taken similar paths with things and just never ended up in the same place as many here.

Anyway, thanks for trying to help me understand all this when I know many here don't understand either. My H doesn't realise it, but our currently happier marriage is directly related to my time here x

Edit: And Alex, I wanted to say that your post really moved me. It sounds like such a lonely, difficult place to be, yet entirely out of your hands. I'm going to read your bio as maybe it will help me understand some of this. And it's true, and keeps me infinitely sad on the other side, that understanding and living with all this can be so very hard. I wish every day that I could be a more accepting wife. I can't even see my H dressed! But I just can't, and believe me I've tried, and just as you're hard wired I guess I am, too. Not fair, is it?

[Amanda M]

Tinkerbell - I really admire the effort you are putting into these issues. I wish I could help you somehow, but all I can really do is to encourage you in what you are doing.

For me, it's delightful to know that you have found help here. It would be great if I had the answers, but heck, but I don't fully understand myself!! Meantime, take care of each other.

Amanda.

[Claire Cook]

Tinkerbell,

I so enjoy your thoughtful posts and this is certainly one of them. (I wish we had more GG's entering into our discussions.) I can only speak for myself: I do think that for me cross-dressing is innate, and it was always part of my personality. It's like I'm now realizing what was always there. So when I out myself, or am out and about, it's just the natural expression of who I am. Competition? If anything, I repress those male competitive urges -- and am much calmer for it. No, I'm not trying to compete with women or other CD's when I dress -- I just want to express me, as naturally as possible. I don't know if this answers your question, but at least that's how I feel.

What I don't understand is how it becomes THAT much bigger when you're older, growing from a simple, regular enjoyment of women's clothing to the point where you're using a female name, outing yourself to family and shopping at Walmart in a wig.

I'll try to answer that question with a question: why do women wear wigs (Dolly Parton wrote that she never leaves home without one), and why do women with mastectomies wear mastectomy forms or have breast reconstruction? I guess because they look better and feel more natural that way. Hopefully I do too. When I'm dressed, my GG friends who know me as male and female call me Claire ... it just seems more natural that way.

My belief is that it's because they suffer from a progressive, if milder, form of gender dysphoria, and over time it gets worse. It also comes and goes episodically.

Paula, I hope this isn't too flip a response, but I'd rather call it gender gifted. I'm happy presenting as male, and probably happier presenting as female. And I would hope being "gender gifted" means I am learning to be more sympathetic and empathetic with women. Getting worse? Ummm ... I think it's getting better!

[eileendover]

My head always goes back to the 'I don't get it!' place I'm caught.

You and us both, Tink!
At some point, many of us come to the conclusion that the "why" will remain a mystery, or it really wouldn't matter even if we DID know why. I often think about how I'd like to move forward, but I don't really worry about how I got here.

[Jane P]

Wow, I tell you, it's seriously hard to come at all this from a GG position. I try to put myself in the place of everyone here and fail every time. My head always goes back to the 'I don't get it!' place I'm caught

I still find myself in the " I don't get it place" . There is no logical reason for it , and that is what kills me . Knowing that I am not the only one gives me some comfort , but I still hung up on the why.

Jonnie

[PaulaQ]

And Paula, as always you make sense But so do those saying it's fun and uncomplicated and not everyone even reaches the level I'm speaking of. My H hasn't, but I've seen potential and it always puzzles me. He never seems upset with the level he's at so I always wonder if he's not just pushing the envelope because it's there to push?

Look - I freely admit I could be wrong - but I'm arrogant and don't think that I am. I think it's really difficult to judge the internal pressures someone deals with - that's GD. I think this gives impetus to go further, also I suspect that forums like this one, and some feelings of acceptance lower the inhibitions that keep this stuff in check. Gender stuff - whatever you want to call it - wants out. Our personalities and defense mechanisms hold it at bay. You weaken those defenses, it'll push until it reaches some sort of equilibrium. I believe this is why you'll see many CDs sort of reach a level, and kind of stay there, maybe gradually doing a bit more over time. Then you get people like me, who's GD is incredibly violent, energetic, and destructive - it ripped its way out of me last year, and could easily have destroyed me, had I not started to transition.

So yes, he pushes the envelope because it's there to be pushed. The stronger the opposing forces are against it, the less the distance it will go - but it will increase the internal pressure a lot. What you really want is to find a situation where these all balance out reasonably well, so that the person only periodically CDs, doesn't have a female identity, and is able to function in their assigned at birth role as a reasonably stable and happy person. A lot of us on this forum find such a balance, but many don't, and for some, like me, such a balance is simply impossible and we explode.

I think you'll find that there is a strong belief by many on the forum here that such a balance is achievable within the confines of something that still mostly looks like a normal marriage.

edit:
@Lorileah - shame on you! It's possible, although unlikely, that Reine could identify as male! I don't, so I probably shouldn't have replied - but I used to, and so I took some liberties.

[sometimes_miss]

I wish every day that I could be a more accepting wife. I can't even see my H dressed! But I just can't, and believe me I've tried, and just as you're hard wired I guess I am, too. Not fair, is it?

That's part of the problem that a lot of guys here simply either don't understand, or won't accept; that women don't get to choose what turns you on, and off, any more than we do. The tolerance thing is understandable; but guys simply don't understand that women need to be sexually attracted to her mate in order for a marriage to work, and that sexual attraction can easily be killed by a lot of things. Otherwise, you'll never be able to be more than 'just good friends'. Men don't need this connection; our sex drive is so strong, that a woman doesn't have to be feminine all the time for us to get turned on, while for women, it's way more than just instant physical, visual appeal. Studies over and over have proven that even on one night stands, women want the same characteristics in a sexual partner that she does in a husband, your inner 'potential mommy' brain is always working. Men have no such qualms, so they don't 'get it'.
And no, life isn't always fair. We just have to do the best with the life we have. What you have to try to learn to do, is 'compartmentalize'. Men do it automatically. Women don't, you're relationship driven and take everything into consideration when dealing with another person's life. You need to separate different parts of your relationship with your husband. Good luck, most women find that extremely difficult.

[Talisker]

Tinkerbell - I can understand that you get the impression from this forum that it becomes "THAT much bigger". However I think a lot of that is because for those who post most regularly it is a big part of their lives. There are many more, perhaps even a silent majority, for whom it does not take over their lives. Don't get me wrong I like to crossdress and try to look good, sometimes go out shopping etc but its a once every 3 or 4 month thing and hasnt really changed much. There are still no signs yet of me developing a female personality. Still just me in a dress. Many men stay at the panties and lingerie stage and dont 'progress' if you can call it that.

[JenniferYager]

Things stick for a variety of reasons. I've tried all sorts of hobbies. Some stuck, and some didn't. I found many of them would stick while I was around certain people, but not after they (or I left). Crossdressing was one that stuck even when I'm in a "non-permissive" environment, where I have no support and it is hard to crossdress safely. I can only think that it has something to do with how your brain is wired.

The key piece is that even when we try to get rid of it, it comes back. Crossdressing is not easy. If it would go away, I'd be OK with that. But it's not, and the more most of us deny it, the worse we feel.

As for male competitiveness, I find I'm less competitive when I'm dressed. I'm more concerned about looking good because I want to look good, and look good for others, not that I want to look better than others. I'm trying to mimic other girls, not be better than them.

[mykell]

hi tink,

women's clothes are more fun, variety of styles, colors, materials, i pity a man who hasnt tried on a pair of nylons,

combined with Alex's comments its conditioning at a young age for me, the name was chosen as i saw it as protocol here when i joined, picked it then,

outing myself to my wife was the most liberating experience iv had in life, especially since she didnt make me leave,
felt as if i was released from my living hell that this secrete pleasures desire had me entombed in, end of a prison sentence say.
as far as competitive, not so much, more wanting to be proficient at/with the task, and its cheaper than a corvette or boat !

so im not a fig farmer, but iv become at peace enjoying figs....


be glad your real name is not tinkerbell, disney would be knocking at the door for royalties.
and i would like to thank you for being here participating, educating and supporting with us.....joining the group has helped me so much !!

i too will be researching alex's bio thread later today...

[Erica Marie]

You know I REALLY wish I had an answer to your question. Then maybe I could understand my own self.
I have seen so many stages of this, from wearing panties and lingerie as a teen for curiosity, to trying make up and wigs and a complete look, to sort of where I am now. I know to a point I have GD but not to the extent that I hate my male self. Sure I would prefer to be a female, yes even though most women say its not all its cracked up to be. Now I am leaning more towards a gender neutral or gender fluid look. I prefer not to flip-flop between man and crossdressed anymore. If I can mix a bit of female/male into my everyday life I start to feel most comfortable with myself. Only problem I face or should I say fear, is how far can I take it before people start questioning me and I have to explain myself.

[ophelia]

Does it occur that the "cross" in crossdressing has to do with our 90 degree conflict with what "current" society has determined to be male or female fashion? While women were liberated fashion-wise long before Catherine Hepburn and freely don hats, boots, pants, pith helmets and do not suffer bias, derision and homophobic delusionary attacks the way a man in an Easter bonnet would.
I've said before that we being male already have it in our genetic makeup to "display" as the more active player in the prime human directive of procreation. So it is natural for males to embrace colour, texture, design in makeup, hair and fashion.
We as crossdressers are merely keying into and acknowledging what has been there all along.
It is the rest of society which has taken a left turn from reality.