Who is leaving who?

[samantha rogers]

Here is a question, and just something hypothetical that occured to me, so please don't read anything into it or do any projecting...tee hee...it is not about me. Just conjecture.
I read on here quite often about wives leaving husbands who CD or have TG issues. It, or the fear of it, seems to be a common theme. But what about the reverse?
Have any "girls" here walked away from their gg spouse, specifically or even generally in respect to issues to do with Cd/TG?
For example...leaving in order to have more freedom to dress or explore a feminine side, or because of attraction to another "gurl" or to seek out such a thing, or any of a hundred other possible reasons. What I am getting at is this...being a CD/TG person can seem a tremendous liability on the dating scene, and seeking a spouse may seem a daunting task. How many have risked that by walking away from an existing spouse, and why?
Again, just curious, because I never seem to read about this happening. And if it does happen (I am sure it must) is it really less frequent, or just not reported?
Thoughts?

[Tracii G]

There have been threads about the CD leaving to have freedom.

[NicoleScott]

No data to back it up, just things I have heard, but I think walking away from a spouse is less common than both parties realizing the marriage is irreparably damaged, and they agree that a divorce is inevitable, so let's get started. That doesn't mean the split is without contention (kids, money, stuff) but it can be.
My first wife could not be married to a crossdresser. We went to counseling. Her objective: to get me cured. My objective: to get her to accept. Doomed from the start (a lesson here - if you go to joint counseling, agree on the objective). Once we realized that this conflict would not be resolved, we came to an agreement to divorce. Neither of us were scratching and clawing to keep us together. So, to answer your question, I didn't walk away for the freedom to crossdress, but I did realize that when we split, I would be free to dress at will. And, as it turned out, the time following the divorce was the most active time for my crossdressing. There were other factors, though. Private place, more time, enough money, etc.
We didn't split so I could dress. We split because I couldn't stop dressing.

[samantha rogers]

Thanks Tracii, I will look again, but I guess I wasn't sure what search term to use. Though it also occured to me in retrospect that it might have been better to pose this question to spouses and GGs in general perhaps in a different area. It may well be that a biomale walking away from an otherwise decent relationship with a spouse might be hesitant or embarrassed to announce such a move, whereas a spouse who has been left might be more forthcoming. Again, just curious. I have not been here long enough to know all the conversations which have doubtless been repeated ad nauseum. Lol

[Teresa]

Hi Sammie it does happen more than you think but in many cases there is so much going on and things to take care of that members tend to drop out of the forum until the dust settles.
Yet again I'm being urged by my wife to downsize, I have an easier DADT situation where some issues are talked over and others are skirted round but before I accept moving I need to know if Teresa is making the move as well. I don't want to dress 24/7 but I want to be the one making the decision and not feel guilty about it even if it means separation.

[Vanessa5]

I live in a DADT and it is tremedously hard. She wants no part of me in any way. I have thought about leaving but I have kids and couldn't do that to them. We are currently working out some of our issues but none of the ones dealing with my dressing.

[kimdl93]

Can't cite examples, but I can think of a number of individuals who didn't seem terribly interested in saving their marriage. I guess it really depends on the quality of the relationship and each party's willingness to make it work. Sometimes I suspect that CDing becomes the final straw or the convenient excuse for a dissolution that was already coming.

[Eryn]

I think that there is every combination of leaving and/or being forced out.

What we really don't hear about a lot, because it isn't as exciting, are the couples who work our a reasonable compromise that tends to enrich both of their lives. They're too busy loving each other and living their lives to make much of it.

If there is any message I wish could be passed it is "It doesn't have to be a battle!"

[bonni]

We just presently seperated. My wifeays its not my dressing I other issues that have been messing with the marriage. But some of it is also that I can't stop dressing I want more.

[Lucy_Bella]

As a victim of a spouse who claims my cding was the reason for the split ...I would have much more wanted understanding and NOT acceptance of my desires ,but know that they are there and are a part of me It would be easier for her to understand that is much less valuable to me than her time is with me.. My ex would never allow that door to be opened ..

[Beverley Sims]

I tend to look at why I got married in the first place.
Nothing's changed so here I am.

Eryn has a good suggestion, "It doesn't have to be a battle!"
I say work on the marriage, there are usually other underlying factors that cause a marriage to fail.

Dressing just gets into the mix.

[PaulaQ]

I know a trans woman who left her wife when she started her transition M2F. Her wife was pretty unlikely to be accepting - she was VERY religious, although she claimed she wanted to try. The problem is that her family disowned her while she was married to the trans woman, and her job would've fired her. (She worked for a religious broadcasting company - there is no way they'd have let her stay on if she were with a trans woman.) So my friend left her, and gave her everything in the divorce.

The spouse was, of course, incredibly bitter about it all. It's not my place to judge either party, it really isn't, but I always felt my friend short changed her wife by not honoring her wife's request to try to stay together.

Sometimes I think there just aren't any good answers for some of us.

[Lexi Moralas]

My situation is she tried to except it but can not. She has made it clear that if I want to dress she will support me 100% but as a friend not a wife. And I can not say I blame her. So I am doing my best to leave it behind but it's hard.
I still have a few basic outfits and will some times clean the house en fem. if she new she would flip.
I posted I thread earlier today that today I have a rare opportunity to go out in public dress like I used to do often.
I am trying to resist the temptation. But we will see I guess. The funny thing is I know I am going to regret my decision either way. Any that's a little off topic isn't it lol.
I would never leave to peruse my fem side.
I am actually trying to leave my fem side for her , if that makes any sense?

[Eryn]

...Her wife was pretty unlikely to be accepting - she was VERY religious, although she claimed she wanted to try. The problem is that her family disowned her while she was married to the trans woman, and her job would've fired her. (She worked for a religious broadcasting company - there is no way they'd have let her stay on if she were with a transwoman...

That would be akin to a white supremicist discovering that his wife had african-american blood and worrying about losing his job with the Klan.

Bigotry is bigotry whether one or one's associates think it justified or not.

[PaulaQ]

@Eryn - ironically enough, this same woman's first husband was a CD. Could she pick 'em or what?
Although I'm still uncomfortable that my friend left her wife without giving her much say in the matter, I have to conclude that she probably made the right call. I've watched this same woman go on to disown her own daughter because of her daughter's sexual orientation. It seems quite unlikely she'd have come to grips with a transgender spouse.

[Eryn]

In that case the woman showed her true nature through her actions. Anyone would be better off to be clear of her. It's a pity that your friend had to waste her time and her emotional capital on that relationship.

As far as honoring her request to try and stay together, if it was already a lost cause then all the attempt would do was cause further anguish.

[Aprilrain]

Although I'm still uncomfortable that my friend left his wife without giving her much say in the matter, I have to conclude that she probably made the right call.(

Did you just call a transwoman a he?

I left my wife and then I transitioned, I did not leave her to transition. It was not a good marriage, I married for all the wrong reasons and stayed with her for way to long for all the wrong reasons. We are friendly with each other today, if it weren't for the kids I'd have little reason to stay in touch with her.

As far as dating post transition goes, I've not had any problems but my situation is very different than a CDers.

[Lynn Marie]

It wasn't CDing that caused me to leave my ex, it was the simple fact that I really didn't like the person she had become. Of course, I have to accept my share of the blame for the failure of our marriage, but that's okay, life is so much better now.

[Allison2006]

I left my ex, but although she knew I CD'd this was not the issue that led to our divorce. It just wasn't working.

[ReineD]

It's easy to blame the other, isn't it.

I think that in most divorces, each party points the finger. He says, "If it hadn't been for her engaging in a, b, c, or having an x, y, z attitude, we would still be together", and vice versa. This is why in most states it does not matter in the final outcome who files for divorce. In fact, in my case, my ex wanted me to file.

Rare is the couple, in my view, that can be objective enough to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer working for either one. One exception to this might be if one party has affairs while the other believes they still have a happy marriage. But even then, some will say there was something inherently wrong with the relationship to begin with, if one party seeks relationships with other people. That's debatable I suppose.

[samantha rogers]

Reine - Your comments are always so astute and even keeled. Thanks (and thanks to everyone)! I agree completely with what you said. I think most marriages fail not because of crossdressing but rather because something was wrong somewhere to begin with. This does not, as you mentioned, rule out the exception of a cheating partner, regardless of which one it may be.
I am enough of a romantic to believe that if there is real love on both sides and the desire is there, then a marriage will not fail, but everyone's situation is different. I would be the last to judge anyone.

[Gina's dress-up]

Hi I had posted about myself on this issue, i am living as a crossdresser/TG Women, after 30 years of marriage i do feel a lot better now than when i was at home with the SO, i don't have to hide anything anymore its all out in the open and living la vida loca

[PaulaQ]

@Aprilrain - yikes, that was a terrible accident. I'll edit my post. It was completely unintentional - I didn't intend to misgender my very dear friend. Nobody's perfect, I guess. Thanks.

@Samantha rogers

I am enough of a romantic to believe that if there is real love on both sides and the desire is there, then a marriage will not fail, but everyone's situation is different.

I no longer believe in love like that. At least not for people like me. It simply doesn't happen. I still believe in love - but as far as I'm concerned, the idea of this endless, unconditional love is something Disney sold us. It's not real. I know some of you find it - I envy you, and consider you a lottery winner in this life. It'll never happen for me, anyway - not like that. I'll never marry again. Relationships - sure, no problem.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Samantha, We just had our 50th Anniversary and I don't see either one of going anywhere anytime soon.

[samantha rogers]

Paula, you may be right, but I really hope not. I never won the lottery, but I still buy a ticket now and then. :-)