Ignorance vs. Rude

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

In all my years of internet surfing and reading forums, I have never felt so energized from reading someones post.

That was the best reaction you could have ever given them. I was completely floored. A huge 'YES', was being screamed in my head while reading your story.

I bow to your courage and patience.

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
For me I say ignorance and when explained and discussed many are at least polite about it and appreciate the explanation.
If the discussion is carried out with any arrogance you lose the battle.

[Bria]

Isha, you are due a decoration or a hero medal or something for the way that you handled the situation. I must say that I would have expected you to do sometihing like that judging from what I know of you.

I don't think that the reaction of the group of guys should be all that unexpected, how many straight men have known or even talked to anyone in any of the LGBT catagories? It is easy to disparage/discriminate persons of different color (colour for some), native language, etc when we have never interacted with such a person.

Isha, you put a face to the title "transgender" for that group and showed them that you didn't have any horns, fangs or any other strange characteristic, (at least I hope you don't), that you are just one member of the human race with the same basic needs and desires.

Thanks for being such a good ambassador for this community.

Hugs Bria

[Samantha Clark]

I want to re-join the chorus and say that Isha does deserve a medal.

But I would like to suggest that the "other guy" who said that "we didn't mean to insult you" and "we're just curious," which invited a conversation, deserves a medal too. That showed a level of maturity and open-mindedness that is laudable.

[stacycoral]

Isha, good for you girl, I happy that you stood up for us girls, and show that we are so people too. very enjoyable thread to read.

[StephanieinSecret]

Isha...I'm struggling to find a way properly applaud you for your guts in that situation. I liked even more how you helped them learn something instead of simply being angry at them- that shows such integrity. If I could give you a hug, or a hi-five, or a handshake, or whatEVER I would haha

What a great ending to a good day.

[mechamoose]

Hi Isha,

Most people don't see folks like us day-to-day, so when they do it stands out. At 30-ish, they still feel things from their 20's.. and being in a group together, there is a certain level of 'face' they figured they needed to maintain in front of their 'bros'.

You gave those boys a 'teaching moment'.

I'm happy that it didn't escalate, and that it actually ended up in 20 minutes of conversation. You did them, and our Tsisters/Tbrothers a huge service.

If *they* see folks like us on a regular basis, we aren't 'strange' anymore.

...and being army, if things had escalated they would have had to explain how a guy in a dress 'effed them up

<3

- MM

[JessicaJJ]

Good on you for standing up to them, many people in this world are to narrow minded and always come out with idiotic views, i usually dont rise to it and just go on with my business as its really not worth it, i usually tell guys to grow up as its usually men that cause the problems.

[Rachael Leigh]

Isha love your outing stories I think because you seem so open an honest as to who you are it just brings out the conversations. It's cool you got to give a little education to those guys, good for you hon.
Hugs Leigh

[julia marie]

Isha, you handled that superbly well. I'm jealous because I probably would have left the latte and walked away.
One question, though, and not intending to defend the guys' original actions. Are we overusing the term 'ignorance' a bit on these forums in general? I know that the strict definition of ignorance may not have negative connotations, just meaning a lack of knowledge. However, in common usage we tend to confuse it with stupidity or stubborness (unwillingness to learn). (It does sound like these guys might have been ignorant). However, we do tend to look at the rest of the world and assume that they should understand what motivates a crossdresser or others who fall into the TG space. Consider the lime-green superhero. Our initial reaction is that he's a bit crazy. Yet, we may be guilty of ignorance, particularly if he is on his way to something like a cosplay event.
Is there a better word than ignorance for those who don't know/understand but might be willing to learn???
Please keep raising your great discussion points. Cheers!

[PamelaMiller]

You touch on some important points Isha. Your superhero costume is a great example. We never truly know what is going on unless we dialog with each other. It's the old adage about ASSUME - you make an ASS of U and ME. And also, when faced with new experiences for which we might not be prepared, we often don't have the correct "think on your feet" response. It's not always easy to give people the benefit of the doubt, but life is easiest when you don't immediately assume the worst. [There's that word again!]

[KellyJameson]

I really hate that word "tranny". Everytime I hear it I cringe.

I always recommend caution if you are passable, to not dress provocatively.

Most people will leave you alone if they do not think you are trying to affect them in one way or the other.

You were minding your own business and they were acting rudely but it does not sound like you dressed in a way that was done to intentionally draw attention to yourself.

Thats what usually leads to problems.

Its much easier to educate the public when dressed tastefully.

[Christen]

Inspirational is what you are, Isha. I'm also full of admiration.

Christen x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Isha & Megan, It sure sounds like you both had the last laugh.

[Leslie Langford]

Isha, you did an excellent job of deconstructing that Starbucks incident, trying to make some sense of the ignorant behaviour of those yahoos, confronting them with regard to their ignorance, and turning that situation around into a teachable moment that will hopefully result in them not reacting in the same way when they next see a "tranny". Note that I also said "when", not "if", because as more and more of us transgender folk come out of the woodwork, the higher the odds of the "muggles" running into one of us and having their world turned on its ear.

But here's the thing - you lost me when you tried to rationalize their boorish act of laughing, jesting, and finger-pointing etc. after they had "made" you. Yes, I get the possible double-takes, the surreptitious stares and the looks of bewilderment as we out-and-about crossdressers are not exactly mainstream yet. Truth be known, for most people, we are like the Sasquatch or the Abominable Snowman - widely reputed to exist, but for them, solid physical evidence of our existence is either sketchy or hard to come by. But the giggling, "nudge,nudge; wink, wink" and finger-pointing and so on is just plain rude and more appropriate for 3-year olds, not 30-somethings who are such one-dimensional prisoners of their "dudeness" that this is the only way in which they know how to react on a gut level.

We - and especially those of us who live in major urban centres - are exposed to all manner of diversity these days, and political correctness dictates that we take all of this in stride and not pass judgement based on the narrow value systems that we were often brought up with.

Every day, we see Muslims proudly wearing their burqas, hajibs, chadors, and niqabs, East Indians or Pakistanis wearing their saris and shalwar kameezes, Sikhs wearing their turbans, Amish or Mennonites dressed in plain black with their long beards (all the while eschewing the modern world and driving around in their horse-drawn buggies), or Hassidic Jews in their long coats, black hats, prayer shawls, and sporting long ringlets.

Then there are the others who, for non-religious reasons best known to themselves feel compelled to express their individuality (narcissm?) by adorning themselves with extensive tattoos, body piercings, punk hairdos, and hair dyed every colour of the rainbow. Is a shaved head a good look? Dreadlocks? Non-Caucasian women dying their hair red or blonde i.e. in a manner not native to their actual ethnicity? They seem to think so, and as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. For many young men, the "gangsta" look is the epitome of "coolness", while many young women seem to take their fashion cues from porn stars these days.

My point is - all of these non-mainstream ways of presenting oneself have become acceptable in our democratic and diverse societies in the Western world, and no longer attract undue attention simply because we have gotten used to them. Most people no longer regard the sight of a person with full sleeve-type tattoos as jarring because we have become immune to that visual, but for others - like the aforesaid yahoos - a "man in a dress" is a vision that they have great difficulty in processing and therefore gives them "permission" to pass judgement on such a person.

So yes, Isha, you did well in calling them on their B.S. and turning the tables on them, but ignorance and/or lack of education in certain areas is still no excuse for such rudeness, and that is what irks me the most about this incident.

[Tracii G]

We all need to put our best foot forward when out in the world like Isha did.
To run and hide is not an option and only shows weakness/lack of conviction on your part.Isha and I have been trained to stand fast and win the fight so to speak.
Its situations like this where we the TG community can make a huge difference in how people perceive us.
Don't leave the teachable moments for some other CDer to take care of do it yourself.

[ReineD]

You handled this beautifully!

I agree, I think that most people just don't know how to react and so they stare, giggle, snicker, etc. And when given a chance they welcome asking questions. We've had strangers come to our table specifically to make conversation with us (although I suspect it was to hear my SO's voice ... but I may be overly suspicious).

You had an episode several months back with a man who showed disdain or disgust. That was different, and I think that people who experience this do not giggle and point. I also think it is rather rare, thankfully, for someone to have such strong negative feelings over seeing a stranger crossdress. Most people do feel a huge degree of separation between themselves and a stranger they know they will never see again so they don't feel a need to react so emotionally.

[Marcelle]

Hi everyone,

Thanks very kindly for your comments. For me when I am out and about I prefer to cut people some slack when it comes to reactions. I have had people smirk, snicker, nudge, smile or just look plain stunned when they see me. I get it on a fundamental level . . . CDing to the uninitiated can seem very odd. I mean why would a guy want to dress as a girl? In most cases these are harmless reactions to a situation and I think we have all been there at one point in our life. Now if it ramps up as it did with the guys at Starbucks (guffaws, blatant staring and pointing) then I will call people on it. It is not escalate it to a verbal joust but to see if I can deescalate the situation. If they have told me to "*&%$ off" I probably would have taken my latte and left as the odds were not in my favor with a physical confrontation and even if they were, that is not the potential YouTube (people with smart phones) I want going viral . . . "Tranny beats up guys at Starbucks". In a sense they were being rude but IMHO not out of spite but just ignorance of understanding.

I think sometimes we take things a bit too personally and in the end it is not what you think. I have walked into a store and heard "shouts of laughter" from young girls. My first reaction "they are making fun of me". However, when I took time to look in that direction they were laughing a friend who was showing them something on a smart phone. When I walked by them one girl said "love your necklace where did you get it". There was no malice in her voice . . . oh she knew I was a guy but she chose to act accordingly. However, if I had gone with my gut reaction and just beat a hasty retreat from the scene I would have missed a great moment because I assumed they were making fun of me.

Don't get me wrong there are a lot of unkind people in the world and you will know when it is glaringly rude or potentially dangerous. Confronting people is something you need to do with caution as you never know how it is going to go.
However, most times you just need to cut some people some slack . . . the world will get there, it will just take time.

Hugs

Isha

[Emme]

Great story!
I wonder, when the guys said they were curious....they wanted more information. I'll bet my 70 years experience, that deep down they were trying to get the courage to do the same thing as you. There are a lot of US out there!

I can't keep a secret.....but I din't tell ANYONE about my cross dressing till age 40+

Those guys, were actually sympathetic...in a "kooll" sort of way. And you were lucky!!

Great story!!

[Raychel]

What a great story, I am glad it all turned out well for you.
confronting a crowd like that must have been very nerve racking,
but on the other hand you have educated a group of people in a good way.
the next time they see one of us in public, they will certainly be more better mannered,
and realize that there is a good person,, who just happens to prefer to dress in womens clothes.

Huge Kuddo's to you. Thanks for this he step you have taken for us.

[Katey888]

Isha - that is another great experience for you - and you are a great ambassador...

Now, we only need another 2 million like you spread around every continent and we might be in with a chance - and then I might go out..

Seriously, you do handle things well - you are a great example of being ladylike about it...

Katey x