have the talk: DADT conversation starter ??

[mykell]

hi, recently i came out to my mrs.
its DADT and things are very much back to normal, while watching tv last night we ordered up the latest offer of "bones" with our on demand feature of our cable provider, as the show ran it went to a crossdressing route and i nervously sat and watched for reactions from the mrs., transvestite she replied,
yup crossdresser, i replied back, lots of conversation on the characters and i felt comfy finishing watching the rest of the show,
now this is most positive showing ive ever seen in the media, they touched on many aspects of this thing we do and also conveyed the feelings not only of crossdressers they included the betrayal issues of the SO, very tactful and accurate,

so now for my point, those who may wish to reveal to theyre SOs may want to run the show if your provider offers this service and get a reaction without causing to much suspicion, maybe the gentle little push some seem to be waiting for to break the ice so to say,
or at the very least start a conversation like in my case, ever so brief, but reliving some of those feelings was scary and still kinda fresh, and it felt good to be at ease after the show.

so i wanted this to be about helping those who are conflicted with the reveal to use this as a tool so to say, like an acceptance meter, and not as a judgement right or wrong thread as you can readily search for one of them to post in, i wanted it to be about helping.....

[Beverley Sims]

These conversation starters work better when they are not staged.

Try to set it up and it quite often goes flat or wrong.

[ClaraKay]

Since disclosure is so fraught with risk, I can see the value in testing one's spouse's attitudes about CD/TG before coming out to her. If the result is clearly one of complete rejection, abandoning any thought of revealing your secret may be the best course. But, if you feel that disclosure is necessary, as I did, there's no point in beating around the bush. Formulate a plan, prepare carefully, and do it with as much emotional control as you can muster.

I feel it's important to prepare for any attempt to out yourself to your spouse or S.O. I went through the process some months ago. My approach was first to write a long letter to my wife describing my CD/TG nature, my feelings about it, and my hopes for the future. I spent a lot of time on this letter to get it right. Ultimately, I never gave it to my wife, but it formed the basis for a face-to-face that was calm, rational, and constructive, while at the same time being one of most terrifying things I've ever had to do. It took weeks of follow-up talks to really begin the healing of both my festering scars and my wife's open wounds. It's a long process; one that cannot be rushed. I don't think it's the kind of thing you can just improvise with high hopes. In my case, bringing myself up-to-date on current research on the underlying causes and treatments for gender identity dysphoria helped me dispel a lot of the misconceptions that she, like most people, had about we transgendered. But more important was reinforcing the bonds of love that are needed to hold the relationship together at that critical time.

[kimdl93]

It is good to assess your partners attitudes and possible reactions before coming out. But I hope that it's not based on one tv show or other individual indicator. One would hope that each of us has some awareness and appreciation for our partners' attitudes towards gender variation in general. But, it remains that ones attitudes towards the subject in general may be decidedly different in the specific and most personal case of a CDing partner.

It is a crap shoot. But I think a good indicator is whether your partner has proven to be flexible and accommodating in other aspects of your relationship, or if they tend to rigidly demand things to be their way. People offer infinite variation in this regard.

[Eryn]

The only conversation starter you or your spouse need is "Dear, there is something that is bothering me."

It's direct, it's the truth, and it's not manipulative.

[MeganDay]

I kind of agree with Eryn to some extent. It's not good to try to set up the conversation like that initially. In my case, I told my wife Sunday (not my first choice, but best laid plans and all that...). We talked some, we talked more Monday. Last night, we also watched that episode of Bones (Amazon Prime is a wonderful thing). While I had already told her, it did help up laugh a bit, and talk together. Perhaps it is bad to use it as a deliberate set up (it does seem manipulative to me), but taking advantage of an opening that comes up is not a bad thing.

[mykell]

my thought was not for someone to use this as the only gauge for those wishing for a reveal with the SO, everyone has to know the limits and strength of their own relationship when considering this choice and the risks involved. you have to be honest with yourself first and if your on shaky grounds to begin with this is not a rose colored glass to look through,

that said in past threads some have expressed wanting some innocent way to bring up the topic, or thought they misconstrued an attempt by an SOs hinting, some that were so close that if their was only way to gauge a response from my spouse, this seemed innocent enough and was entertaining at the same time,
and in my case was a little ice breaker from a still fresh arrangement of DADT which to me meant that dont ask dont tell dont talk to me about this and i very much respected that. so i thought how fortunate is this that the writers of the show could have used this very forum as research or consulted with them, i thought of us when i was watching not some of the creepy sites i stumbled upon when looking for this site, so i was impressed and thought if it could help anybody here it would be positive, like i said just trying to offer a way to help someone decide if its the right time for them,
i did it on my terms for my reason and always offer support when i read those threads because of the support i received after my reveal here....

[Tami Monroe]

My wife found out as a result of a receipt she found for a third party P.O. box. Her first thought was that I was having an affair. I sat on our swing and explained to her (literally a year ago) that I was a CD and got the PO box to receive my women's clothes purchases. She had a hard time believing it at first. I had to show her my ebay account and that I bought heels and other accessories going to that PO box. She then believed me and realized I was telling the truth. She also accepted me then. However, she does not want to see "Tami" just yet. However, she accepts it, but yet does not want to see it.

[DonnaT]

The Bones episode was pretty well done, except the dead guy was into performing drag as stress relief, and not necessarily a CDer.

Depending on how one's SO reacted to the show, one could still only guess at whether or not to open up to their SO, because, how one's SO judges others may not be the same as how she judges her husband.

[mykell]

thats very true donna, my wife made very negative comments prior to my talk and even mentioned divorce in some but i felt the relationship was strong and stuck with my plan....everyone has the only info on theyre SOs as we dont know them as well as they do, Emily also produces the show and i had an opportunity to see her on live with kelly and michael(sans kelly)....she came across as a very genuine down to earth person...

[AKADonna]

Do you know which episode of Bones it was? I'd like to watch it first to gauge what's there and what potential reaction I might get from my wife, before showing it to her. We had "the talk" a couple of months ago and she is now more accepting, but not yet "supportive". At least, I feel like I am no longer deceiving her and that is a tremendous relief. I am marking time to let things go on for a while before exploring her support a little more. At least, she has consented to Donna having her own lingerie drawer in a dresser. This is a major triumph for me as I no longer have to have girly things stashed all over the house. Isn't it funny how such a small thing as a drawer allocation can make such a big difference for me?

[mykell]

it aired this past monday the 12th, we watched tuesday as i like shakira on the voice on monday and she bowls, so its still current....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mikell, We had the talk years ago and it's a DA-DT my wife tolerates it but she just doesn't want to see me dressed.
I know my boundaries and stay within them and life is wonderful.

[mykell]

hey blue,
i could feel my heart pound a little while the show progressed, it was still so fresh, i was just impressed with the content of presentation, didn't think of it as too drag queen but more like karaoke lip synch.
she hasnt complained about it so shes tolerant also, dont know if i could dress in front of her....would feel weird....not that i wouldn't...

[Zylia]

I wonder what DADT means in a practical sense. If your partner tolerates cross-dressing but just doesn't want to see it, it's not exactly DADT, is it? DADT is lying by omission for the cross-dressing partner and sticking one's head in the sand for the other partner and both may end up hurting the relationship more than this quirk or hobby or mental condition.

[mykell]

hi zylia,
LBOFTCDPASOHITSFTOP doesnt make a very good acronym, i took DADT as a means for coping, she needed more time, i respected it, as for the thread it is about helping someone cope, bring this to light in a positive manner, helping, and/or in my case have a little conversation even if ever so brief, a huge baby step for me, a stepping stone for someone to use to gauge the next step for one in a relationship, for me my first step was DADT, then we watched a show, second step brief conversation, ill just try to keep on walking now and not cringe any time a TG subject is portrayed on television, for someone else it may lead them to accept the courage to come to a decision to tell.....another step....

[MsVal]

I connected the dots that spelled "crossdresser" in my mid-60s. I spent the next several months learning what I could about it. Then, when I was fairly certain about what was going on in my head I disclosed to my wife. There is no way to sugar coat what happened. It was a very difficult thing to do, and many very rough days followed. In the end, honesty and transparency worked *FOR US*. My wife is quite aware of my desires and my purchases, and even bought me a starter set of makeup. She is NOT enthusiastic about my crossdressing, but is enthusiastic about my happiness.

While doing my own discovery I considered hiding it but rejected that strategy because I knew the risk of accidental discovery was high and the consequences of dishonesty would be grave. I considered disclosing with the offer of DADT, and rejected that strategy too because even though the dishonesty is known and acknowledged, it is still dishonest.

Do you know how to eat an elephant? ... One bite at a time.

There is an elephant in the room and we have to deal with it. Before we do though, we must first acknowledge that it exists. That must be the first step in developing a mutually acceptable plan.

I'm beginning to develop a tolerance for the taste of elephant.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Allsteamedup]

This kind of play is both dishonest and bound to lead to trouble. If you ask for a straightforward opinion you will get it. Preface that question with 'I am asking because this really affects me/us' and you will get a response that suits. This is not fabrication on your partners part; women genuinely do have a different standard for their spouse/partner than for a neighbour or friend or other family member. It's who we are!

[JusRosCD49]

Lots to think about here.

Thanks Mikell for bringing this up..