Am I an Immaterial Girl….?

[Katey888]

...Living in an immaterial world…?
With no apologies to Madonna – I seem to be having a crisis of identity… or something… Sometimes I feel like a fraud… Obviously I’m not a woman and that’s not what I mean – because I know I don’t want to be one completely…
Probably fraud is too strong a word – a pseudo CDer…? Faux TG? I struggle with how this feels – let me explain a bit… I think I’m struggling with the randomness of this gender shifting and how it seems to come and go for me.

I don’t get a chance to dress very often – home circumstances prevent that and also put pressure on normal life. Lately I’ve been feeling very down in general, and while previously the prospect of a full makeup job, a few selfies and some time trying some new outfit combinations would always lift my spirits, it doesn’t seem to feel that way at the moment…

I don’t know whether it’s exposure to other folks’ lifestyles here on the forum – because I admire so much the efforts that so many of you make to live the life that you want to, and before I’d come across this place I was a CD in my own little bubble – and it was a weird place but comfy and mine alone – and then I find out that all you thousands of girls out there used to have your own little bubbles too, but we’re all here now and out of our tiny bubbles if not always our closets! |Has that made a difference? Because the possibility of a few hours dressed, feeling different, feeling complete, used to be worth looking forward to – but now I’m sometimes just missing that desire to go all out and make that effort… Why?

Perhaps it’s just a natural downturn – I’ve said before that while I know that I feel a strong urge to express the feminine image I can, there have been times in the past when that has gone away or been suppressed for long periods… Don’t Panic! I’m not thinking of purging – it’s not that kind of feeling this time…

So I was wondering if others felt like this too?
Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

Katey,
Don't get despondent, all your activity here probably helps skew your outlook on the real world a little.

I go for a natural downturn and periodic restrictions of being able to dress.

Like that suburb somewhere out of London....

It has it's Upsan Downs.

[typhoidmary]

I sometimes wonder if I'm kidding myself by wanting to look like a woman, and I sometimes feel like I'm stuck doing something that might get in the way of my happiness... because looking fully male is so unappealing to me, yet if I did I'd probably find it easier to get a job, make more friends, go on more dates etcetera. In general though I know it's what makes me happy, and if I need a break then so be it. Maybe at the moment your passion's just gone because you're feeling down, and it'll come back when your mood lifts again. It sounds like a natural thing, and definitely doesn't make you a fraud. I don't want to act like I know what I'm talking about but I hope that helped, in some way

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Kate, I had to check if it was you or I that wrote the thread. Yes , I know exactly how you feel , but more importantly, the family dynamics that help explain the emotional rollercoaster that we ride. I know from your previous posts & some pm's that we have something very much in common-- sick wives that we adore & help care for. Our ultimate priority is there health & happiness. We dare not cause more stress & dispair to an already precarious health situation. Because of that reality, we cannot share , openly express & develop our feminine personna for fear that doing so would cause unnecessary stress, worry & further despair to our sick wives . Therefore, we try to create moments to enjoy those feminine moments, escaping from our stressors, knowing that thise moments are few & transitory . We read forum posts from members who have accepting & supporting spouses & can only dream as to us living in those types of relationships. We read about members who socialize together en femme , enjoying the commradare & the fellowship, with the knowledge that sometimes we live vicariously through their stories. We can only dream of dressing & going out in public to experience what that must feel like. Reflecting upon all of the above , at times, does make our cd needs , wants & euphoria episodic. As such , there goes & explains our highs & lows of cd desire.

Yes , I know just how you feel . On the other hand, many on this forum have their own crosses to bear. You & I may feel frustrated in our respective domestic situations , but there are many forum members who have shared their need to cd with their splices only to have relationships end, marriages altered & other types of "closeted " relationships that stymie the cd's need to express one's feminine persona. There are some members of this forum that are experiencing huge gender disorientation with the result that their realtionships are in constant turmoil . Again , everyone regardless of how blissful their relationship might be with their SO has issues, drama & frustration; regardless of how wonderful their stories might sound on the forum . It is the lifestyle that we embrace , a lifestyle of gender inconsistencies, that cause & effect our wild rollercoaster ride.
I have no answer other than to understand & accept that frustration & despair comes with our respective territories . Sometimes it is difficult trying to remain upbeat & optomistic. You have it more difficult because you are a moderator, someone who reads every thread / post objectively but at times have subjective issues . I try to find peace in my tipsy turvy world. Finding & maintaining that inner peace is very difficult. Always remember that you are a very good person , husband , father & friend. While there are times that we are frustrated, I try to remember that I am so blessed beyond comprehension .

Kate , I truly wish you & your wife much happiness . Now go out & be that bouncy , beautiful & eloquent Kate that we adore. For me, I'm going to take some time off to digest the medicine that I just dispensed. Peace, mel
iSync

[CarlaWestin]

Melissa that was perfect. Yes, we are blessed with loved ones and the compassion to act in their best interest. Also, our desire to emulate as a female entity is a wonderful added gift. I've also suffered from the malaise on numerous occasions. That long protracted time in the future that I can be Carla 24/7. Maybe a weekend or maybe a week. And usually it's an adventure on the other side of the looking glass being my fabulous other self. But sometimes there's that 'why am I doing this' cloud that won't go away. Remnants of past societal prejudices that are just ingrained deep even after fully accepting myself proudly as a crossdress explorer. It's OK to be not in the mood. It's still there when you come back. The fools game is to pretend that your crossdressing is some psychological flaw that has to be corrected. So hey, just take a break from it. I know it's a whole new experience everytime, especially if I've put it away for awhile.

[kimdl93]

If this site does anything, it shows each of us the possibilities of life, which often seem come as something of a surprise to those of us who spent decades living lives of denial, repression or being deeply closeted. And a person can't help but feel a twinge of envy for those who enjoy more open and free expression of themselves.

Depressed moods, the occasional down moment may be rive from the feeling that you're prevented from having what others seem to have. But ups and downs happen to all of us, even after we've gotten out of the closet.

I wonder, though, Katie, what more do you need (not want) in terms of expressing yourself? Is there any way you can begin to do so?

[Amy Fakley]

Though we all have a lot in common on this forum, I've found it's important not to compare yourself to others so much.

This is really kind of the same thing that made me abandon facebook for my IRL persona. It stresses me the f-out ... all my high school and college friends, and co-workers over the years with one hyperbolic, sanitized presentation of their fabulous lives after another ... all day long every day. Everyone has a picture perfect life, except me apparently.

Except they probably don't. We're all just writing stories to each other, it's not always an honest representation of actual life experience (though I find it a more rewarding thing to make honest posts, not everyone feels that way).

As far as the desire to dress being more compelling sometimes than others, yeah I feel like that all the time. It has high water marks and low ones, you know?

Lots of things affect it, though stress and opportunity are the big factors. There was a time when I could dress 8 hours a day 5 days a week, and it was just such a peaceful, fulfilling time ... then things happened, eventually I had to change jobs, and these days, I get maybe one or two days every 2 or 3 months. It's very frustrating, and the desire these days is almost always very strong, just because I can hardly ever do it.

I try not to let it get to me, and when the desire subsides sometimes, I just try to remember this:

Crossdressing has been a consistent part of my life since I was 8 years old. It always comes and goes, due to various things, but it never completely goes away. I don't have to worry about "losing it", or "if this really wasn't me", any more than I have to worry that I'll stop being white and left handed.

Everything has an ebb and flow ... I just try to go with the flow, wherever it takes me, and not worry too much. I'm turning 40 in a few months, which means I've been doing this off and on for 32 years ... I can't believe things are really going to change that much, no matter what the situation is temporarily.

[Teresa]

Hi Katey,
I think it's wonderful that you deal with so many threads and post the advice you do to help us out as a MOD but I can see how you can get an identity crisis as it must leave you thinking where am I in all this. Some members have a wonderful lifestyle through their dressing but they may not have your commitments or responsibilities, but you can't help thinking am I missing out? You enjoy your CDing for what ever reason and you probably want to move into a comfort zone where you don't want to have to explain it to anyone and be more your own person.
All I can say is hang in there , your time will come, even MODS need support so let the members help you put the smile back on Katey.

[KittyD]

Hey Kate Hmm... crisis of identity... Well I guess for the most part we do live as two different people! There is KittyD/Kathleen Dawson and then me, the man under it all.
I guess its all about balance, finding what keeps you or me from falling into that dark place. So is this forum like your only outlet... because maybe you need a new way or an extra way to express you feminine side and feelings. I.e. I can't get dressed up and walk down the street as much as I'd love to - so I make a video and post it. Thats my balance...
Honestly tho Kate your no fraud... and gender shifting is what we do... and yes your right it is a pressure due to our male side and female side...again its finding the balance...
I prescribe a glass of wine and a good nights sleep
Major BIG hugs for you

[Donnagirl]

Katey,

I think I know how you feel and yep I'm feeling right now.

For me there is a direct correlation between positive moods and emotions and that urge to CD. For me it's the morning after the epic hair fail! Normally a night with the wife away at work and Donna gets to sleep in all her finery... Not tonight, ironically, I slept in a pair of boxers only...

I've had a night to think and it's a clear pattern for me. Happy times - pink fog warning, not so good times - dusty heels in the bottom of the wardrobe.

I personally find the experiences and stories, sage counsel and guidance from this forum is only a positive. I don't envy those of us who look like they just strolled out of a Vogue fashion shoot, well maybe a little, but not in a way that brings me down. Quite the opposite, I feel happy for them. They represent the pinnacle of achievement and, although I never get there it gives me hope of achieving my small gains. Forum, you are not to blame.

If you have external pressures, experiences or, as you say current situations that are brining you down, I can fully understand the lack of urge or even want to let Katey out to play...

I hope it passes soon for you, life takes that upward surge and that helpful, thoughtful, caring you comes roaring back.

You're the best...

Big hugs,

[Laura912]

Yes, I oscillate amongst all those feelings at different rates and different intensities over time. But, I also keep a nice bra under my T-shirts in my dresser. Occasionally, I lift up the shirts just to see it, which brings a smile and nice feeling. Whether this is placebo effect or some other effect, it works and I feel better till the next time fully dressing.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Katey, We've chatted about this, but I don't think I revealed that I too question myself from time to time. Probably what led to a couple of real long breaks from dressing as well.
My family situation is not at all like yours, but my stress levels rise and fall, and that surely makes me question more things in my life than just the CDing.
I don't have a cure for your condition, but someone asked me the other day how to get out of a long dressing dry spell. My answer was "it's simple, go put a dress on, and fix your make up girl!" I don't know if this helped them, I haven't checked back with this person yet.
Time will pass, but your inner girl will not. It's like "Monk" the TV detective says of his abilities, "It's a gift, and a curse". We are not given a gift receipt so that we can return our gift for another. So enjoy the gift you've been given for what it is, otherwise all your left with is a curse.
Have you smiled for me yet today?
Much Love,
Kristyn

[reb.femme]

Like that suburb somewhere out of London....

It has it's Upsan Downs.

Hi Katey,

I seem to have lost my mojo over the last few months but feel it is coming back, albeit very slowly. I live on the North Downs, not the Upsan Downs of Beverley's quote, so maybe that similarity accounts for my reduction in desire too. I've certainly had periods where the desire waxes and wanes like the moon so maybe it is a natural phase.

I have never experienced this long a loss of fire to dress before, but I'm just giving it time to 'redress' itself. I'm giving myself a target of attending our local group in June, as I really need to force this self-imposed absence of Rebecca from the real world.

Rebecca

[Confucius]

I think I know what you mean. My urges and pleasure associated with cross-dressing rises and falls with time and conditions. When I read about the cross-dressing activities of others on this forum, I begin thinking that I must be the worst cross-dresser in the world. The others on this forum all seem to be so much more advanced in their cross-dressing than myself.

So, what does it mean. It only means that cross-dressing covers a spectrum, a wide spectrum. Some of us have always limited our cross-dressing, while others have no limitations whatsoever. What we share in common is the way our brains are hard-wired: Our brains are hardwired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female, and release the neurotransmitters that produce the sensations we love. Some of us get the "contact with a female" message from our brain and then accept that we are that female, and others get the "contact with a female" message and imagine that female is outside themselves. How we respond to the "contact with a female" message from our brain is dependent upon factors experienced in our young lives.

[PaulaQ]

Katey, please don't worry over much about this. You are not a pseudo CDer / Faux TG just because you don't want to be a woman. If you wanted to be a woman - you'd be TS. But you don't - which makes you "just a CD", and actually, pretty damn lucky, all things considered.

One of the hallmarks of the condition of being a CD is that it's episodic in nature. So to some extent, I think what you are feeling is totally normal, and part and parcel of being a CD. Indeed - many of us experience this, and some (well a lot of us) hope it means "we're cured!" That's probably all this is.

I understand the pressures of living a closeted existence with a spouse who's quite unlikely to accept this. Been there, done that, working on the divorce. It's pretty awful, and I know it's hard for you, hon.

The last thing I'd tell you is that this isn't a competition - this is about feeling better about yourself. Don't let what others are able to do (who knows at what personal cost) make you feel pressured to do more than you can in your situation. Just let your feelings be your guide.

If it makes you feel any better, you present incredibly well - you look fabulous and very passable when you do go all out.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hi Katey,

I think, at least in my case, that when your time available to CD is very limited and somewhat out of your control you feel a certain need to dress to the greatest extent possible during that precious time. And you look on this forum and see all the beautiful girls that are so skilled at dressing and makeup that you want to advance your own skills to better express how you feel inside. So what at one time might have been a more casual and relaxed experience dressing now becomes one with more self-imposed obligations to achieve certain levels.

CD’ing is such an amazing stress reliever from the normal and the sometimes extraordinary pressures of life but when the CD’ing becomes another pressure to deal with is when it can become a burden of its own sort and the enthusiasm can wane.

The bright side of this ebb and flow in enthusiasm is that we can easily choose not to CD (or maybe just to “CD-lite” if you know what I mean) any time we wish and have no need to feel the least bit apprehensive or guilty about not CD’ing since we do this crazy thing for our own enlightenment. The sometimes dark side of the ebb and flow is that a state of dis-interest can (and probably will be) be replaced in the future with a raging, intense, unstoppable desire to dress to the max.

So yeah, I think it is only natural to have varying degrees of dressing and not dressing desires and I suspect a lot of us on this forum have the same experience. Don't worry Katey, maybe that makes us just (OMG) "normal CD's"!

Hugs,
Steph

[Kate Simmons]

You are growing and evolving as a person my friend. I've found out as I've matured that the thing I'm actually best at is being myself. That came from getting to know myself and that "self" didn't turn out to be half bad.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Katey, It sounds like we are going to have to schedule an Intervention to bring you out of this funk.

[Eryn]

Katey, what you are in the process of doing is finding out what your own needs truly are. Others make demands upon us and, in satisfying those demands we often put our own needs aside. Once you decide to explore your needs you still need to figure out how to do that while meeting your other obligations.

Reading the forum can provide a skewed view of how many of us live. If you read my posts it might seem like I'm dressed all the time, when the truth is that I usually go out en femme two or three evenings a week. I present male at work and spend weekends in fairly androgynous clothing This is where I am the most comfortable and, frankly, the drab side of my life is not of much interest to most people here.

Many people will tell you in one way or another what you should do. Certainly pay attention to what they suggest, but your true path is determined by you alone.

[suchacutie]

Katey, I think your experience is very much the norm. We live in an emotionally sensitive and complicated mental world. We know that our gender identities are strong as no one would put up with all that we do for a lark. A sadly large group of humanity thinks what we need to do is completely evil. Every time we venture into our feminine selves we enter into uncharted territory at some level. Lastly, we want to understand who we are, so we spend time in honest contemplation, potentially leading to more doubts.

Because of our current family situation, Tina hasn't been able to dress at home in 13 months. This has been a serious intrusion into Tina's life, as she had been very much learning about who she was, and was literally making a life for herself. Crafts and books that were hers exclusively have lain fallow. We had just figured out that one of the instruments we play was really Tina's and not my male side's at all. Neither of my gendered selves has touched it in all this time.

Needless to say, those and a dozen other issues actually frighten us as the time that Tina could return home draws near. It's all doubt, uncertainty and fear. What will Tina's life be after all this time, or will she even want to "visit"?

So, your post gave me confidence that we all go through this. We wonder and question, but it seems that it is simply a part of us that takes its own course.

Best,
Tina

[mykell]

hi katey,
first off you are relevant and dont ever question that you are, your tact and wisdom are greatly appreciated here, your eloquence of our situations and balanced evaluations of what we do, what we are about. you have an ability to bridge opposing opinions and evaluate the common factors of the differences of all the varied degrees of the community. your fair and unbiased and solidify the group in a unique perspective in an all inclusive manner and even though you were given the responsibility or curse of being a moderator you wear it well.
sometimes they say that a surgeon becomes desensitized with familiarity, or familiarity breads contempt, with all the responsibilities of being a moderator this may be true. you may need a vacation, everyone needs some time to just relax.
i dont know how to relate to your marital responsibilities as Mellisa has talked about with your spousal medical situation but when in my teens i did have to help with my grandfathers domestic care which included some personal hygienic aspects.

for me sometimes my desire may wane, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, sometimes i am envious of the ability of some as they have a better frame or a more feminine presentation, good fashion sense, better skills, monetary ability, but i try to live vicariously through them here and learn from them.

i consider you a friend and you matter, your not an immaterial girl, your katey888 and you are relevant, your out of your bubble and help others out of theirs,
schedule a makeover for yourself and let the pressure fade away, enjoy the gift....

[Katey888]

Well, I didn't think I was alone with this feeling but once again I am in awe of how much these very individual elements of our experiences and feelings we do share and what brilliant advice you're all able to come up with... Hugs, y'all...

Mel - I know you know what I mean - and all of what you observe is like Carla said - 'Perfect'
Carla - You're spot on with the observation of the ingrained conditioning - we wouldn't be human if we didn't feel any vestiges of those prejudices, would we...?
Kim - great question! Aaaargh! Perhaps I already know the answer to that...
mfakley - you're so right about making comparisons. We can't help it, but we should be able to manage it...
KittyD - A glass of wine and a good night's sleep..! Yes - a girl after my own heart..
Laura - I like the idea of placebo: something apparently inconsequential that helps? My painted toenails will have to do it for me.. that does help!
Kristyn - "It's a gift, and a curse" - sage advice indeed - so I'll take it!
Rebecca - You surprise me... but I guess that demonstrates the randomness...
Confucius - Yes - I agree - we're back to being our own worst critics, aren't we?
Paula - I know the real trials you've experienced and wouldn't pretend this is anywhere close - and thank you for your advice, and yes your comment does make my easily flattered soul feel better... (although that isn't why I posted)
Stephanie - We're normal...!?!?! I'll quote you on that...
Blue - Interventions sounds like something surgical or sending a SWAT team in.. Maybe we need HRT (as in Hostage rescue...) for CDers? Rapid responders who arrive with new accessories and better concealer...
Tina - thank you for reminding me that you and others have to suborn your desires much more than myself - Chin Up time for all of us!
Mikell - you're spot on about the vacation... as if I needed anyone to tell me that!

Thanks to everyone - don't mean to miss anyone out - I know I'm coming out of this feeling already, because it is episodic, and I won't take credit for this but Sammie (Samantha Rogers) described this gender condition as 'fickle' - which I think is just the word sometimes: something that almost deliberately taunts and messes with our emotions, conflicts with our conditioning and plays merry hell with our psychology... never knowing which way it's going to pull us...

So I'm sorry for those of you sharing these feelings - but at the same time I'm glad (yet again) that I'm not alone!

Katey x