Got me thinking

[dizzy]

Wow Katie, was you listening to my wife talk to me, this is kinda weird because I heard mainly the same thing just the other day from my wife. She has been supportive allowing me to wear most anything and has even purchased clothes, makeup and jewelry for me for my birthdays and Christmas presents. She even allowed me to try on her wedding dress in front of her at one time and seemed to really be having fun with this other side of me and helped and fostered it to grow. She has known and I have been doing it in front of her for over 15 years now with little to no issues. Suddenly one day just last week we are talking and she tells me she wishes I was more like a "normal man" and acted like a "normal man" which really took me by surprise.

[Jules Spirit]

Now I never once thought of my husband as less of a man because of this and the fact that we discovered and went down this road together has made us closer it is something that we do together but he doesn't let being a crossdresser define him and we don't let it define our marriage. I can't imagine feeling the way she does.
G

This is how I feel about my husband being a crossdresser. I could not have said it better. I will add that for me, the more time that has past, the more I enjoy my husband, regardless of how he presents.

I think one thing you hit on that should be reiterated is that your husband and you do not define him or your relationship by him being a crossdresser. Yes, my husband sometimes dresses as a girl but he also does and is many other things. I think both crossdressers and their partners need to see that cross dressing is just an aspect of a person. So many of you spend so much time focusing on cross dressing that it seems to me like your missing out on appreciating all of what makes up a whole person.

[Rhonda Jean]

Absolutely what happened in our marriage. But let me add a little retrospective.

I WAS less of a man! I don't think you can become more and more and more of a "woman" and stay the same amount a man. Particularly if she knows everything. I think I was still a good husband, a good provider, a good father. But, there's no one on the planet that would have said I was as much of a man. Not compared to what I once was, and especially not compared to other men. There was little common ground between me and other men. That's the way I intended it. Although I do blame her in a huge way for the way it went down, there's no way I could honestly say I was still the man I used to be, or that I was all the man that her friend's husband's were. It just wasn't me. I didn't look like them, I didn't act like them, I didn't have the same interests as them. Some of that was good, as far as being a "good person" went, but by any measuring stick that measured manliness, I wasn't on the stick. And, it was getting worse.

Let me say,too, as I've said many times on this forum. I would have and could have quit. I loved her and would have done anything for her, including quitting. I already know what the prevailing opinion is on this, so don't bother.

There are a few encouraging wives on here, and for them a crossdressing husband is just fine. Maybe preferred. That is a wonderful, wonderful thing when that happens. But for the other huge majority of women, if you asked them to describe their perfect man, how many of you think you're even close? I'm not talking about being loyal, honest, etc.. I'm talking about you fitting the picture of what everyone thinks of when they think of a man. The stereotypical man. It's a stereotype for a reason.

Probably the further in the closet you are, the higher on the manliness scale you are. If you're so far in the closet that you're wife doesn't even know, then this discussion doesn't apply to you. More than likely, one way or another, that'll change some day and this discussion will apply to you.

Some wives are so hardcore "traditional" that any tiny deviation destroys the whole "man" image. I don't get that, except that once it starts it's probably not going to stop (progressing). Maybe they're the smart ones. To me it seems so ridiculous when wives throw a fit over the tiniest of things... panties, shaved legs, longer hair, colored hair, polished toes, groomed brows, longer nails, earrings...piddly things that I don't think amount to anything. Then I take another look at that list of piddly things. Are these things that a "real man" does? Even if you find some loophole and say yes, look at those things as a group. Most of us do most of those things. We do them for the sole purpose of being feminine. That by admission makes them less masculine. Less of a man.

I'm not downing anybody. I'm guilty. I've also come to terms with a lot of things. I don't blame anybody for putting the best face on this thing we do. Be honest with yourself about who you are, even if you can't be honest with anyone else. We're all so good at the excuses. "Swimmers shave their legs." "Even football players have long hair and earrings." "It's just underwear." I could go on, because I'm used them all. I wasn't fooling anybody. I didn't have long hair and earrings because I wanted to be like a football player, and I didn't shave my legs because I liked to swim. I wanted to be a woman, and she knew it quite well.

I've gotta get off this and go to bed. I'm in a mood!

[Rhonda Jean]

[QUOTE= So many of you spend so much time focusing on cross dressing that it seems to me like your missing out on appreciating all of what makes up a whole person.[/QUOTE]

You said a mouthful, there. Nerve struck.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Rhonda Jean, that's a very honest post. I wish more here would acknowledge that what they do DOES affect how others see them, including a spouse, as you ARE different men for it. Honesty is all we GG's want. Pretending you can behave more and more like a woman around your wife while expecting her to still see you as her 'manly man' and yes, even enjoy your crossdressing, is delusional. Sorry, but such a situation will be incredibly rare and anyone telling themselves that this is the norm and they deserve this from their wife is in deep denial about what most heterosexual women are wanting in a partner.

Balance, people - that's what we should all be striving for. If crossdressing is all you think about and it's slowly changing who you are, don't expect your old life or the people in it to follow along with you. If your wife is tired of your dressing, maybe you're dressing too much!

[PaulaQ]

If crossdressing is all you think about and it's slowly changing who you are, don't expect your old life or the people in it to follow along with you. If your wife is tired of your dressing, maybe you're dressing too much!

One of the implicit assumptions in this thread, it seems to me, is that the male side of a CD is the "correct one", and the female side is "the problem." Sometimes exactly the opposite is the case, and the problem isn't so much that we act as women sometimes, but that we try to live lives as men. At least that was the case for me - I realized two things last year that changed my life:
1. Dressing as a woman wasn't my sickness - trying to be a man was.
2. I was powerless over my gender.

[Eryn]

...at first she didn't mind it even enjoyed it, helping him put together outfits and helping him with his make up and having fun seeing the end result, sounds a lot like me. Then she said over time it stopped being fun and started being more of a chore,...

I think a lot of what can make it a chore is if it stagnates. At first, just getting dressed is great fun, and it is naturally fun for the spouse who likes to assist. As time goes on, this can become tedious. Although Mimi often helps me select an outfit I don't expect her to do it every time. I paid attention and learned how to do it myself. With makeup, Mimi doesn't need much makeup herself so I had to learn that for myself. I ask her to critique my efforts, but I strive to do it without much assistance.

More important is what we do when I am dressed. We do a lot of things and my being dressed, while nice for me, is just incidental to the things we do. For example, on Saturday we got dressed, and went to late brunch. We did some shopping at Ross. We then met some friends, went to see Chef at the Arclight cinema, then had dinner at a Indian restaurant. We finished the evening with coffee and conversation at our friends' house.

Yes, I was dressed, and I had a great time expressing myself as I wished, but the important thing is that we had a good time together.

[Barbara Ella]

From the time this began 2.5 years ago, my wife has stated that she is intellectually supportive but emotionally not so. We went through the fearful stage, the totally supportive stage, the DADT stage, the casual dress around the house is OK, to the no more dressing around her. She understands the reasons I need to dress and go out. She cannot bring herself to even look at me dressed, and yet is supportive in my doing it and encourages me to find other things to do (out of town, no dressing in town except at two gay bars). Yes it can get confusing at times, and I am sure emotionally draining on her, but she understands i am still the person she married 43 years ago, just with more facets.

Barbara

[Beverley Sims]

Katie,
Maybe your friend's husband was overdoing it a bit and did not read his wife's limittions.
I have found backing off now and then and keeping life interesting by letting the wife take the lead in suggestions makes a good mix.

A bit of balance is needed, not all one sided.

[Stephanie47]

In my situation my wife and I explored wearing some bedroom play garments; floor length nightgowns, stockings and garter belt. It was strictly bedroom play. It was a treat and not something done all the time. Then, I bought some panties and slips. But, the BRA really turned her totally off. It was then and forever "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She could not wrap her head around the thought of any man wanting to wear a bra if he has nothing to "pack" into it. We had the "talk" and for the last forty years it has been DADT. She knows I cross dress, but, I know she does not know the extent of it.

And I less of a man? No. The cross dressing just does not fit the man she was attracted to, dated, and married. For our marriage I always worked, supported her and my kids, etc. I do all those manly things she was attracted to. I've also done some manly things none in her family have done. She knows about them, as some of them did impact our marriage on occasion. It's kind of interesting that a woman readily accepts a man who has engaged in mortal combat and has been wounded physically and emotionally,but, rejects the small sliver of him that is not "manly."

[Secret Drawer]

The one thing that nobody really said here is that if a woman wished she had more of a real man for a husband, due to whatever circumstance, then the man they did marry is not who they wanted to begin with. In other words, for both sides of the relationship, we married a person warts and all. No matter the cause of those warts, we accepted them. The notion that somehow not sharing the information in the dating process way back when is somehow a deal breaker 35 years later (or whatever timeframe) is unfathomable. We all married that person because they were special to us... If I did not have this strange gender orientation I would not be the same person at all and my wife would have to have chosen someone else. We cannot change a person without changing their whole persona. If that woman wants a "real man," then she had better be prepared for what that actually implies. My wife does not like that I crossdress and we live with a slightly favorable DADT. My wife also knows that it is me she loves and I her. Whether I be a fisherman, a fire chief, or a person who has genderfluid tendencies, it is all part of the big who of who I am... We have the personalities we have in part because we crossdress (for whatever our reasons are it matters not!) 99% of who we are is on the inside, and that is what our relationships live on in the end.