Dress up for two?

[changeling]

Hello everyone. My name is changeling, I am new here and this is my first post. I really appreciate that this forum exists because there seems to be some really nice, supportive people on these boards, and I hope that I can contribute in the same positive way.

So I have been thinking about having a night which involves myself being fully dressed. My wife seems to be okay with the idea, but understandably has some reservations about seeing me fully en-femme. I was thinking about purchasing some clothes not just for me, but for her as well, and making a night of it together. We had discussed the idea as being a TMD, (Temporary Makeover Day) for me and she seems, as I said, somewhat receptive to the notion. We have never done this before and I am really nervous about it but still really want to do it. But will this be a good start? She has seen me partially dressed before, and has even bought shoes, dresses and underwear for me. The thing is I want it to be as neutral as possible a ground for her, one in which she can feel at ease, have lots of fun, and not feel uncomfortable or scared.

Does this seem like a good idea?

[Roxie]

slow and steady. this is going to be a " give and take" for both of you.

[Andy66]

You should ask her, not us. Is she a girly girl like that? It does sound like something alot of women might like.

[Katey888]

Is it a good idea? Hard to tell, changeling...

For me, a lot would depend on your motivations for doing this, and how your wife really feels about this thing of yours (and probably what it means...)

Your language is very ambiguous about your wife's position on this...
"My wife seems to be okay..."
"..she seems, as I said, somewhat receptive..."
"..We have never done this before.."


I'd suggest it might not be a bad idea to park the actions for a while until you've had a chance to have a bit more discussion... unless you've already done this... it sounds a bit like this is you driving it with a great deal of ambivalence from her (unless there's something you've not revealed..?)

Just because she has bought you things does not necessarily mean she wants to be involved... unless she is more positive than just 'okay'..?

Talk to her about whether or not she may feel uncomfortable, nervous or scared...

Good luck!

Katey x

[Chari]

Very good info from previous posts! You know your wife better than anyone on this forum, so communicate & listen to her on you concerns, finding some agreeable ground to start building your femme relationship. It can go either way - positive or negative, but you still have this forum to "talk" with regardless of your wife's involvement. Enjoy.

[Jenniferathome]

...I was thinking about purchasing some clothes not just for me, but for her as well, ...

There is no such thing. This is about you, don't pretend that you are doing any of this for her.

[amyjacks2014]

^.^

I try to not simply be an echo board here, but here we go ...

First, WELCOME! I hope you find friends. support, advice,
whatever it is you can find here that we can help ya with.

One of the things I always try to stress is communication,
and while it seems you are trying, you don't seem to be
getting much of a response. This could be disinterest, or
it could be avoidance. In the case of disinterest, perhaps
you can widen the activity to include her more, because
at the moment, the activity is all you.

If this is avoidance, then you may have the problem where
she accepts it while the subject is on the table, but is not
buying into it. Again, communication is important, so talk
to her, and ask her to be honest. Honestly explain your own
feelings on the matter, and ask her to be just as honest with
you (AND BE READY FOR IT). Be VERY careful with this! You do
not need to look too far into these threads here to find people
who have had disagreements, breakups, separations, and divorces
because of cross-dressing or trans-gendered issues.

Relationships are about give and take from both sides. Depending
on what she says, you may want to scale back the plans for now.
I wrote a whole long note on what makes relationships, what each
partner gets out of the relationship ... if I can find it, I will send it,
because I am sensing a possibility that some of those things may
be at the root of the issue.

In any event, please keep us in the loop, and we'll be here with
ideas and support.


Amy M. Jackson

[NicoleScott]

My wife seems to be okay with the idea, but understandably has some reservations about seeing me fully en-femme.

If this is the case, I would suggest proceeding with caution, and not let her see you en femme until she is ready. Many wives are accepting and understanding of a crossdresser's need to crossdress, but don't want to see it. If she wants to see you, let her initiate the request.

[changeling]

There is no such thing. This is about you, don't pretend that you are doing any of this for her.

Yes Jenniferathome, I wholeheartedly agree, but my wife loves dressing up to the nines and doesn't get the opportunity to do it much due to our busy lives which is why I thought about getting some clothes for the two of us. Just wanted to clarify that point a little. Believe me I understand, (after having the urge to crossdress for most of my life) how this is for me more than her and its another example of compromise in our relationship. Except the two of us are not willing to compromise to the level where our relationship is harmed. And actually my want to crossdress has actually brought us much closer together in terms of our communication.

My wife is receptive to the idea of me dressing, (we talked about it again last night) but not %100 sure about how she would feel/react/respond seeing me fully dressed for the first time. We have talked for hours about it, the reasons why I want to do it, and established some firm boundaries and its fantastic to know she supports me in this. However I am not fooling myself into thinking that either myself or her will be %100 okay with me being fully dressed, Last time I got semi dressed in front of her, she was okay with it and actually said I looked pretty good, (considering I was a man wearing lingerie,heels,stockings and a dress) but I felt nauseated so we know that this is a foray into undiscovered ground for the two of us.

We really have a fantastic relationship, and there is nothing we don't talk about. She also knows that I put our relationship first and that if, once fully dressed its too weird for either one or both of us, I'll permanently put the whole idea to bed. I really appreciate your replies to my questions, its invaluable to have the advice and viewpoints of experienced cd'ers. Thankyou so much.

Oh and I apologise, I should of made an introductory post introducing myself and explaining the "lay of my crossdressing land". I am fortunate beyond words in that I have a supportive and receptive wife who isn't repulsed by the idea of having a "man in drag" for a husband.

[Laura28]

Jennifer, As much as i hate to admit you are 100% correct.. We like to think we are doing it for the SO but really we are doing it for us.

[ChristinaK]

Welcome to the site, the girls here are fantastic! Sounds like you are moving cautiously and that is important. Don't be surprised though if she changes her mind at some point. Often, our women want to be supportive, but when the rubber meets the road they decide they wanted to be married to a man. Be ready to work within her boundaries and what she is willing to accept. For me, she started out trying to accept me, but now I have a DADT relationship as it was just too much for her. She let's me wear womens PJ's, nighties if she doesn't have to see me and panties daily. Better than nothing. The rest is fine as long as she doesn't know.

I wouldn't want her dressing like a dude , sporting a mustache and shaving her head either, so I totally get it. Good luck with your adventure, many here have totally acceptingwives and maybe yours is one.

[ReineD]

She also knows that I put our relationship first and that if, once fully dressed its too weird for either one or both of us, I'll permanently put the whole idea to bed.

It's difficult to know how your wife really feels about this. If she loves you, it makes sense that she will want to accommodate your wishes despite her reservations. It will likely be easier for her if she knows that it is not the end of the world if you do not involve her with your dressing.

But I urge you to be honest with yourself. You are trying your best to make this pleasant for your wife, presumably because you enjoy the CDing and you wish it to continue. If this is true it would be a mistake to tell her that you are prepared to put the whole idea to bed if it is too weird for her. This can come back and bite you in the future, after you have purged and discover that your desire to dress is as strong as ever. Then what?

So I think it would be best to tell her that you would like her to participate, but if she cannot there is the likelihood that you would still need to dress privately.

As to your proposed evening of dressing, I don't think it matters what you have on. Trial and error plus talking to your wife is the best way to approach this, since none of us know your wife. I don't think that buying her clothing will make it easier to accept the CDing. This seems too much of a bribe or at least, this is how it would seem to me. Your wife is not a child to be pacified with a trinket. Sorry if this seems harsh.

If you want to gift your wife with clothing, I think it would be best to not attach the condition of crossdressing to it. You do not want her to feel as if when you get her something, it is ultimately for your own benefit.

[kimdl93]

It could be. The best thing to do is to let her decide when and what you do together. Be honest in your desire to dress fully with her, but open to letting her find the path to that point most comfortable for her. Patience...patience.

[MssHyde]

very good thought you had with her comfort zone,, she could buck and run if your too eager.. lucky you are

[amyjacks2014]

^.^

Something you mentioned concerned me. You said you tried some cross-dressing, but felt nauseated. It sounds to me like you are quite new to this, and have yet to come to a complete acceptance of cross-dressing yourself. If this is something you are not sure you want to do, that comes across to your wife. If you are not sure about going out dressed, that also comes across to your wife.

I am certainly not going to tell you what to do. It's your life. However, I would suggest really slowing down, and making sure that this is something YOU want to do. A person who wants to cross-dress should be looking forward to it, perhaps with a bit of excitement ... they should not have feelings of revulsion.


Amy M. Jackson

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Changeling, Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home.

It kind of sounds like the ball is in her court now just don't overwhelm her with this.

[ReineD]

You said you tried some cross-dressing, but felt nauseated. It sounds to me like you are quite new to this, and have yet to come to a complete acceptance of cross-dressing yourself. If this is something you are not sure you want to do, that comes across to your wife.

No. I think Changeling felt nauseated because of the nervousness of dressing in front of his wife. A lot of CDers feel awkward about this in the beginning. In fact, there are CDers who don't enjoy dressing in front of their wives at all. They feel embarrassed because they are afraid their wives will think less of them.

[changeling]

No. I think Changeling felt nauseated because of the nervousness of dressing in front of his wife. A lot of CDers feel awkward about this in the beginning. In fact, there are CDers who don't enjoy dressing in front of their wives at all. They feel embarrassed because they are afraid their wives will think less of them.

It was partly that but it was also the un-connecting of the dots which had me feeling sick and more than a little disgusted with myself.

Let me explain. Crossdressing is a highly sexual thing for me. I see pics of women wearing nice clothes and I think "wow I would love to wear that". Now if I look at it long enough the women in the pictures, the way they look, and how the clothes look on them becomes the benchmark for myself, i.e., the model of how I think I can look. Am I delusional? Maybe, but the jury's still out on that. Unrealistic? Most certainly. I know I am no knockout example of femininity and nor do I really want to be. I enjoy the trappings of being a male more, as that is what I am 99.9 % of the time. The thing is the "benchmarks" simply don't stack up when me, the irl version strolls in front of a mirror to see there looking back, a male wearing drag. It's a mish-mash of nervousness, disappointment, shame, self-ridicule, (and other assorted emotions) all wrapped up into one and it all added up to being a very disconcerting experience for me. The dot's of fantasy simply didn't add up with the dots of reality and to top it off my wife was very worried about me.

Thing is though, I still think about cd'ing a lot. The other thing I know is that it complicates things and it's becoming very hard to find a balance between normality and fantasy. I don't know if these issues would auto-correct themselves if I did carry on with the cd'ing in a way that (selfishly) encourages my wife's tentative, self-paced involvement.

So yeah, is this experience a warning that I shouldn't carry on with cd'ing, or is it a sign that I should just do it by myself? Thing is though I don't want to do it by myself because then I just feel as though I am just sneaking around my wife's back, compromising her trust in me.

Hell if I know.

[freeindress]

I believe that since everybody has both feminine and masculine sides, a couple is a four-some (with two straight + one gay + one lesbian relationships) that need to take time understanding each other's needs. When this "market" has started to self-regulate through loving cooperation more than wild competition, perhaps CD'ing can be brought in without toppling the balance so no side feels emtionally deprived.

[Marcelle]

Hi Changeling. Getting dressed for your SO to see for the first time can be difficult as we truly do not know how it is going to go when we emerge from the bathroom "en femme". I get the impression from your post that you have had a cursory discussion with your wife on this and she "seems somewhat receptive". However that is not a rousing . . . yes let's do it. In my own case, my wife never saw me fully dressed until she was ready which fortunately for me was quite early on. We discussed how we wanted to proceed . . . should I just go off and then reappear as Isha? She decided it might be better if she were there to watch the transformation (which was not a very good attempt BTW ). This in her words allowed her to reconcile the "boy" transforming into the "girl" and allowed her to see the boy still present in the girl - if that makes sense. It seemed to work and bless her . . . she was kind even though I did look a horror.

I truly believe you should sit and talk to her first and find out what she wants to do. She might not be truly ready yet but willing to take small steps to discovery. No need to race to the finish line.

Hugs

Isha

[September]

Hi, Changeling! Welcome! As the wife of a CD, I know that I enjoy being with my husband en femme when I get to dress up too. It's more fun for me if we buy stuff together for both of us, get dressed up together, and take a bunch of selfies. Make sure that you emphasize how beautiful your wife is, especially if you are a good looking woman. My husband is a gorgeous woman and I feel a little jealous when he's fully en-femme because clothes look better on him. So keep that line of communication completely open and have fun! If it's not fun for her, then I wouldn't push it. Crossing my fingers!

[Teresa]

Changeling,
Your details are gradually coming out but you still seemed confused about your Cding, I still believe in thinking it through and trying to understand yourself then you need to discuss it with your wife. I don't think either of you are ready to take the step you're considering and could end up damaging a good marriage.
Try and decide what you want out of CDing and then see if your wife is happy with that level but you will always have to accept a compromise, you can't have it all your own way, GGs are not wired like that they will never fully understand, you have to learn to accept there is a line between tolerance and acceptance.

Your last comment about sneaking round behind her back needn't happen you've got beyond that , she probably won't let that happen if you consider her feelings and don't push too hard, let her suggest the next step and go along with it.

[ReineD]

Now if I look at it long enough the women in the pictures, the way they look, and how the clothes look on them becomes the benchmark for myself, i.e., the model of how I think I can look. Am I delusional? Maybe, but the jury's still out on that. Unrealistic? Most certainly.

The other thing I know is that it complicates things and it's becoming very hard to find a balance between normality and fantasy. I don't know if these issues would auto-correct themselves if I did carry on with the cd'ing in a way that (selfishly) encourages my wife's tentative, self-paced involvement.

This is an astute observation. If you can retain the ability to see your mirror reflection in the same way as others see you, you might save yourself a rather expensive (material and psychological) foray into the Pink Fog. I do think there can be a never ending quest to get that special outfit, makeup, accessory, which will magically produce the desired results. But the truth is that fundamental physiognomies don't change.

You say it is highly sexual for you. There are two ways the sexual thing can materialize, as far as I can see. One, it doesn't matter to you what you look like, and you are satisfied with your mental image when you are dressed and in the throes of fantasy. I take it that generally CDers who feel this way don't pay a lot of attention to the details and they seldom experience the need to go out. Two, the fantasy is more about appearing as a beautiful and sexy woman to OTHERS and to feel as if these others want you. I think this is what drives a need to go out or to involve others with the CDing and of course there is much more emphasis on the details of looking as realistically beautiful as possible. And this is when the desire to look a certain way can perhaps overcome the real ability to do so.

(Note to forum, I am not speaking here of everyone).

So yeah, is this experience a warning that I shouldn't carry on with cd'ing, or is it a sign that I should just do it by myself? Thing is though I don't want to do it by myself because then I just feel as though I am just sneaking around my wife's back, compromising her trust in me.

I don't know that stopping CDing is an option for you at this point? You seem to be invested in it. A sexual motive to crossdress is powerful indeed. And if both you and your wife do determine that it is best if you crossdress alone and you establish times to do this, how would this compromise your wife's trust in you?

I think that you are faced with the quandary that many other CDers eventually face: how to reconcile in a relationship a highly sexual pull towards the crossdressing without betraying the wife. And I think that one way to resolve this is to make it less sexual, by involving others possibly, and by beginning to go out in the mainstream or to support groups, IF your personal circumstances permit this. It is at this point, I believe, that many CDers begin to believe they might have alternate gender identities. I think that my own SO has gone through the whole spectrum when it comes to gender identity.

And then, for many CDers, the more they go out and discover what it is like to dress in public, the more their expectations align back to reality.

[Maria 60]

Welcome Changeling, a few weeks back I wrote a post about something that happened out of the blue. It was an amazing night and when it was over I was wondering if it would have been planned if it would have been so amazing, you know your wife and should know if she is ready for this or maybe don't rush it and break her in a little at a time. Either way it sounds like you have some great days coming and hope you share it all with your friends here, and again welcome.

[Beverley Sims]

Not necessarily the best of ideas, let her get used to seeing you dressed and get her reaction from that at first.

After that proceed slowly as acceptance does take a while to achieve.