After coming out

[Rebekah_uk]

Hi everyone

I wanted to ask those of you who have come out to just there wives only, which is where i am at the moment.

Did how you feel about yourself change at all, i have found that i have not felt this happy about myself mentally in years. I feel i am a better Father because this, also the dark cloud of keeping this secret from the person i love is not hanging over me anymore, i have to say i feel invigorated for the first time in am awful long time. My wife has told me she understands its something i have to do and doesn't want me to hold back. She has told me doesn't want to take part in my crossdressing adventure just yet but hopes she can change that in the near future.

Late bloomer
Rebekah

[Teresa]

Rebekah I felt it was like a millstone lifted off my shoulders, it flipped me back to the feelings when I first met my wife but unfortunately it was short lived. Those feelings were not returned plus she had all the lingering thoughts of being gay and wanting to become a woman, the usual stuff, so I went into a downward spiral of feeling rejected and unloved.
That was twenty years ago I've only just back to a good relationship since joining the forum, the help members have given me in approaching the situation with my wife has been invaluable. The situation is not perfect there will always be some unanswered questions.

The problem I'm having now is after all these years I want to play catch up, I know where I've come from was almost unlivable but where I go in the future could be interesting but also a little scary. My wife does not participate but at the moment she's accepting.

[Kate Simmons]

A large part of it is accepting the feelings and taking ownership of them.

[Marcelle]

Hi Rebekah. Keeping such a big secret hidden for me was hard and it got to the point it would have destroyed me emotionally. So I told my wife. Since then it is like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am happier and as my wife says "More like the man she married".

Hugs

Isha

[Denise1951]

The problem I'm having now is after all these years I want to play catch up, I know where I've come from was almost unlivable but where I go in the future could be interesting but also a little scary.

Same here. After my wife found out (another long story) we both started on this journey. I too find myself trying to catch up. PLUS the sadness of wondering what could have been had I been more honest with her and myself 24 years ago. I am so fortunate that she understands AND supports me in my quest. But we do have a few boundaries that we BOTH agreed upon.

Every situation is different, I am luckier than most with an understanding wife

[Mollyanne]

Whenever you "confess" something to a loved one (IE: wife or life partner) there is a "cleansing" effect.

Molly

[CarlaWestin]

When I came out to my wife some three or four years ago it felt good to eliminate that only dishonesty left to deal with. I had gone through a period of acknowledging only the absolute logical truth in everything. There was an initiale period of utter shock and then hate on her part. I didn't do the pink fog thing I just let her process it in her comfort zone. Now we are at the point of DADT and she does not want to see me dressed any way other than male. I do occasionally underdress but that stays my little secret unless she asks. Is it perfect. Not at all. But, I'm certainly more at ease now that she knows I'm a crossdresser. And, without going into detail, there's a whole drama on her side that I've had to deal with.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebeka, My wife has known for 50yrs. and it was off and on but for the last twenty years it's been a DA/DT
she knows all about it she just don't want to see me dressed I know my boundaries and stay with in them, And life is great.

[MsVal]

It was very difficult to tell my wife about my crossdressing. I agonized over that decision and how it would be executed for days. The disclosure was painful, and the next three days were awful. Many tears were shed.

After the initial pain the relief was incredible. Too incredible. I went speeding down the CD highway oblivious to the dense pink fog that had enveloped me. *CRASH* Driving much too fast for conditions.

More tears were shed, new expectations and limits were established, and off I went again; this time more cautiously. *BUMP* Yeah, did it again, but less damage.

We are still attempting to find a mutual comfort zone.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Jenniferathome]

It is the proverbial monkey off your back. But in our case, it was King Kong that was removed. Not having to hide is such a huge change from decades of doing it that the catharsis is huge.

[PaulaQ]

Coming out to my wife was the most difficult thing I've ever done, and the hellish four months that followed it before we separated were the worst months of my life. It was a nightmare for both of us.

I wished at the time I hadn't come out to her - and so did she. It saved my life, but it ended my marriage.

[kimdl93]

I'm a bit farther out - to some family members, friends, neighbors and colleagues, but the underlying feelings are the same. Part of it is the feeling of freedom to be oneself....liberating after years of hiding. Part is feeling accepted for who I am by those that matter to me.

[Mishell]

Just in the last month disclosure for me. I'm still dealing with not having to hide it. Thats an issue in and of itself. However, I had a great weight lifted and she is very accepting and supportive.
Other than that, I actually don't know if my feelings about myself have changed though.

[Cheryl James]

Through carelessness on my part I was placed in a situation where I had to come out to my wife of, then, twenty years. On the one hand, I was enormously relieved to, finally, let my wife know my innermost lifelong secret. On the other hand her possession of this new found knowledge has ruined our marriage. We are together for family reasons, but there is no love between us. I am, to her, a pervert who has chosen this over her.

[Teresa]

Cheryly that must be tearing you apart, I'm glad you think the family is worth it. Surely your wife can understand and appreciate that the husband and father is still there, sadly men suffer more from perversions than women, it's so easy to mud sling at men, but usually unfairly because of a lack of understanding.

[DonnaT]

My coming out was a bit different than many. Mine progressed from shaved legs, to pantyhose, and then dressing with her help. I hadn't planned any of that, nor even telling her, as it was just after we had been married a short time.

I was happy with the way things were going, and still hadn't told her I was a long time crossdresser (the term didn't exist then, and transvestite was the normally used term).

One day she asked why I enjoyed dressing up, and I told her I was a transvestite. She looked the word up in a dictionary, wherein the definition suggested a transvestite was homosexual. You can imagine the quick turn around on her acceptance.

Years of switching between acceptance and non-acceptance ensued.

38 years later and we are good.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

It was different for me too. When I first met my soon-to-be wife after a failed first marriage I was up front on the third date. Now we're talking that to be in 1987. She was okay with it yet I took it slow and along her confort level. I felt I didn't want to give her the "ultimate surprise" after forming a bond with her. Since then it has been a smooth road and I am at liberty to go as far as I want. Honesty worked best for me way back then. She has even told me that if I wanted to fully transition and even remarry and this time with a man , she wanted to still be a part of my life. That blew me away! But I love her dearly for allowing me to be who I am. I probably overcompensate to make her life the best it can be.

Cheryl