Tough decisions

[Rachael Leigh]

I've been on this forum for many months and made many friends here, over the last few weeks I've been almost absent. Why? Well I had to make a very difficult decision about my dressing it had been a rough few months with my wife and even though I tried to get her to understand I pushed to hard and I also think the pink fog clouded my judgement somewhat.
My wife was pretty certain she was leaving me and I just could not let that happen.
She's my best friend and I had no desire to be alone at my age.
So I did the dreaded P word and in a flash my wardrobe was gone I felt this was the only way to keep things together. So some here will notice my profile picture is gone and avitar as well and it will stay that way. I recognize I'm still a CD but from now on most likely it will stay in house and without a big presentation of makeup and wig and the like
I will most likely not build my wardrobe in the way it was and will mostly just be happy in my panties and sometime my night wear but for me I had to take a breath and realize I was hurting my wife too much and being extremely selfish.
Many here won't understand and that's ok but it was my decision as difficult as it was.
I

[Tinkerbell-GG]

As a wife who feels like yours, you've done the only thing you can. When a person realises they just don't like something, there's very little you can do to help them overcome it. Believe me, I've seen many wives try and fail time and again. I came here to get help leaving my H, or at least to make a decision, and I've managed to come to an arrangement that means we can remain married. But I can't be any part of my H's crossdressing. I've asked him a hundred times if he's certain he can keep it separate like this, and as a rare activity. He continues to promise yes. I guess he values our marriage more than his dressing, as you do.

Many here don't understand my views, or those of your wife. They think we should compromise and learn to accept our spouse's crossdressing. But how do you accept something that literally leaves you feeling wrong? Uncomfortable? Like you have hands squeezing the inside of your stomach until you feel physically sick? This is how I feel when I see my H dressed. Why? I wish I could tell you. The logical part of me can't actually see the big deal, but the gut-wrenching emotional response overrides anything I tell myself. It's as innate to me as your dressing is to you and I'll always feel wrong no matter how much research I do or conversation I have. This leaves me very sad, as I'm sure it does your wife, even though she may never tell you.

I hope you can find some peace with your decision, and be happy in your marriage without resentment. Otherwise, it would be kinder to let each other go. T x

[Rachael Leigh]

Tinker thank you so much, yes I know it's just as much a part of her feelings to not like or understand as it is being a part of me. I wish many times it wasn't and believe me this isn't the first purge but this last time I went crazy I just had to dress everyday and loved doing pictures but I'm trying to understand her feelings better this time.
We have been married 32 years so there is a lot invested here.
Thanks again for your perspective

[Emi_]

The fact of the matter is that, when we get married, we make promises to one another and those promises - that commitment to hold the other person as first and most important in our lives - are the only thing that matters in life the instant we say, "I do." This is really difficult for people nowadays to understand and it's shown through the nearly 54% divorce rate in the US alone. In order for a marriage to survive and be healthy we must learn to grow and adapt and, yes, even sacrifice for the sake of the bond and for the love we have for our partners.

I don't think for one second that what you have done was easy nor am I convinced that you feel you have been treated fairly but I salute and respect your placing your spouse and the life you have built with them - the promise you made when you became man and wife - before even your own personal needs and desires. Too many are too selfish to understand love like that, let alone being able to give it. Your spouse is truly blessed to have you and your spouse must be an incredible person for you to love them that much.

All love and respect to you.

[Sara Jessica]

Many here don't understand my views, or those of your wife. They think we should compromise and learn to accept our spouse's crossdressing. But how do you accept something that literally leaves you feeling wrong? Uncomfortable? Like you have hands squeezing the inside of your stomach until you feel physically sick? This is how I feel when I see my H dressed. Why? I wish I could tell you. The logical part of me can't actually see the big deal, but the gut-wrenching emotional response overrides anything I tell myself. It's as innate to me as your dressing is to you and I'll always feel wrong no matter how much research I do or conversation I have. This leaves me very sad, as I'm sure it does your wife, even though she may never tell you.

I have said repeatedly that I can sympathize with what our SO's go through. Regardless of whether this thing of ours is something we do or part of who we are...or somewhere in between, one sentence said above jumps out at me because it can be my own words...

Like you have hands squeezing the inside of your stomach until you feel physically sick...

Many here may share the same sentiment. If I dwell on an inability to simply "be" as I often put it, I feel the exact same way you are describing. The only exception is that I feel it in my heart, like my heart is in a vice.

How can both sides of these scenarios be so wrong, and be so right at the same time???

[Emi_]

We who cross-dress can be a fairly selfish lot. We readily and happily choose ourselves over our spouses as if it were a fundamental human right. We don't think about her heart and her dreams and her life and her needs. We are so overcome by our desire that we forget that we made a promise. My "right" to be "me" ended when I turned into part of "we."
No
If I am not willing to suffer for the sake of the woman I married, she does not deserve me for a husband and I certainly don't deserve her as a wife.

Every time I put on my makeup and pretty things, I know I am doing so only by the grace of my wife who has so graciously given me this privilege. She owed me none of this. No spouse owes their partner the "right" of self-interest.

[Donnagirl]

Leigh,

I feel you pain... I was so close to that only a few short months ago. Can I only offer up what worked for me and my wife, talking, talking and more talking... I realised that I was consumed in the dreaded pink fog, was selfish and uncaring. My biggest problem was making assumptions about how the wife felt, what she understood and what she believed the future represented. I took that assumption as truth and acted on it. She also was making decisions based on inaccurate assumptions. Neither took the time to fully understand each other and were making letting our imaginations rule our judgements.

I asked, pleaded with my wife to join this forum and talk to the other SO's to obtain a second opinion. I really beat myself up internally over my selfish attitude.

Together we have saved our relationship. I'm sure if that little blue pill existed to make the urge to CD go away, she would have me take in a heartbeat, however she is now far more accepting of me and my need to CD. She still may not like it but she now tolerates it and has found ways to even enjoy parts of it. Currently she is enjoying using me as a canvas to experiment make up techniques...

I'm not suggesting what worked for us will work for you but please communication, understanding and compromise are a great start and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel...

I know my wife's tolerance may not remain so strong and I have the capacity to so easily knock down all that has been built but I now understand the need to keep in step with her not push or drag her along... We move at her pace. She is involved in every decision and has ultimate veto in everything. Over the last few weeks we have gone from strength to strength..

I do hope it works out for you...

[Marcelle]

Hi Leigh . . . we all make decisions in our lives and some of those are for us and some of those are for others. You have made the best decision possible under trying circumstances and I salute you for your courage in doing so. We are all here for you sweetie and you know I am only a PM away should you need to talk.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

Big hugs Leigh...

You've done what you needed to - don't beat yourself up too much, as you rightly recognise we can't shake this thing, just somehow live with it... and then try to find a way for our loved ones to live with it, which doesn't always work out...

Sometimes things can change over time... but know that we're here to listen and support you unconditionally however it turns out...

Take it easy...

Katey x

[Teresa]

Leigh,
I'm really hoping this works for you, we all know Cders are in a no win situation ! You stay in the closet and it hurts you come out it still hurts because you know it's hurting others.
You have basically pushed some of your being back into hiding, I find that hard because I feel the best part of me is a stranger to family and friends.
I've ten years on you and through a series of talks with my wife recently I realised things have got to change.
The one thing that has really hit me is the fact that CDing is for life, it's not going away with age ! I can't continue the the guilt of hiding away , there has to be ways of it becoming more open and accepted. I don't want to hurt my wife but she knows it's hurting me, if she really can't live with me as a cder I'm prepared to accept her decision and call it a day if it makes her happy, I would do that out of love for her and not love of CDing!

[Beverley Sims]

If you have a good marriage and a great wife, sometimes hard decisions have to be made.
You have made some positive decisions and I hope you continue asolid relationship.
Maybe later you may be able to take up where you left off.

For now, work on that relationship that you have.

[Pippa A]

Hey Leigh, I know you don't know me from Adam, but I really wanted to say that I have huge respect for the integrity you're showing in putting to one side something that has been such a dear part of your life for so long. I hope everything works out for you hun.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Leigh, everyone has to do what works for their own lives. Glad you have the courage to do this. Here's something learned from a 12 step program. There will be times when your urge is very powerful. Plan for those times in advance by thinking about other things you can do when they strike - other interesting things, things that you like to do, and can do on short notice (like, go out for an ice cream). If you can distract yourself for a few minutes, those strong urges may subside to background noises. You may never be 'urge free' but you can find ways to live through them, and the moment-to-moment intensity does lessen as time passes and you become used to living without dressing. Good luck!

Deedee

[Michelle (Oz)]

Leigh, I fully understand your position and to Tinkerbell the impact on your wife. Two years ago almost to the day I tried to have a discussion with my wife. After almost 4 years absence the urge/need to CD had come back with a vengeance.

It was a very traumatic time for both of us. She threatened suicide - "can't live with you but can't live without you". I went to a psychologist a number of times over a period of 6 months to be told there was nothing wrong with me and there is no 'cure'. That was important for me to know. She also thought that my wife wouldn't suicide.

There have been a few more incidents but the impact has now greatly diminished. How do we both gain what we need and live within a totally loving relationship? Our answer is DADT. She knows that I dress and where my clothes are but I am careful to keep my femme life separate. Sad when my wife is my best friend but at least I don't feel guilty continuing dressing nor suffer from the roller coaster of a wife's changing emotions.

My hope is that my experience and the passage of time might give you hope for a workable solution to emerge. Some will say talk, talk, talk. It might work for some but in my case that would be a fundamental mistake confronting my wife with a no-win conversation. Also, be careful what you promise - you will be held to account.

[Rachael Leigh]

The outpouring of support from all of you girls us just amazing I knew many here had very simular situations but I never expected this kind of support. Thank you all for your words of encouragement it means a lot.
I know over the next few months will be hard and we do talk a lot about this and it's been good mostly. I've come to understand I have to be honest with her and not hide what I'm really thinking and feeling but with that I need to understand her needs and feelings too. I've been really bad at that over the years. Not sure many here know but my wife did know when we got married but even back then I wasn't even sure how much I wanted to dress but it's never really gone away. So it's going to be a tough road but it's nice to know I've got you ladies to chat with.
Hugs all Leigh

[Samantha Clark]

Leigh,

I, too, have a 32 year marriage to the love of my life. Nothing is more important than her being in my life. I have not yet completely let her in on this part of me (whatever that is, and I don't know myself how far I go with it), and it's a heavy burden. You are doing the right thing about making her a priority and seeking a mutual understanding. Marriage is about bringing two souls closer together. That means sometimes letting go of things one holds dear in favor of the needs of the other spouse. Whether you give up CD for her sake, or she gives up her resistance for your sake, is something only the two of you can work out together.

I wish life could be easier, but it isn't. Best of everything to both you and your wife.

[AnneC]

Reading your post I really feel your pain in this. I also feel the same way about my wife and friend and would not want to hurt her. So far things have not gone to the ultimatum stage but I'm sure I would react the same way you did. I wish you all the best.

[NicoleScott]

When a person realises they just don't like something, there's very little you can do to help them overcome it.

I get this, as my first wife could not stay married to a crossdrresser. Still, my initial reaction to LeighR's post is that Leigh is a lot more committed to the marriage than the wife. Thirty-two year marriage down the drain because of some clothes.

[Confucius]

I admire and respect your decision. You are placing the needs of your wife and family before your desires to cross-dress and that is extremely admirable.

I believe your situation is not that different than my own. I tell my wife that I love her above everything else. She knows that cross-dressing makes me happy, but I tell her she can set the boundaries of my cross-dressing, and I will do my best to live within her limits. She is in control, and she is secure with that.

We have to be sensitive to our wife's needs too. She needs to be held and loved by a man. She needs to feel protected and secure with a man. She needs to love a man she can respect and honor. I am honored to be her man.

Good luck and best wishes on your journey.

[Lorileah]

How can both sides of these scenarios be so wrong, and be so right at the same time???

I think many of the members here are "pleasers" in that they spend a lot of time pleasing others at the expense of themselves.
I understand Tinkerbell's side of the issue, yes it IS had to learn to like something you don't like. I hate getting up and going to work, but I live with it. On the opposite side of that coin is the SO asking the CD to give up something they feel is part of them. So which is easier, learning to "like" or at least accept something, especially something that is often harmless? Or giving up a part of you to please someone else? The argument of when you said "I do" you gave up rights seems odd to me. Can "I do" also mean "I will love you for who you are and will try my best to accept all your idiosyncrasies" ? I see so often here that that road is a one way street, my way or the highway in either person's mind. I have stated my opinion of love here many times. Love, if it is a true love, doesn't make someone change. (BTW I am so proud of Tink here because even though she doesn't like it she is trying hard to understand it).

So which is a better thing? The SO hating it or the CD giving it up? In either scenario someone is miserable. At least, from what I gleaned from the OP, they are sort of kind of maybe compromising? That is often the best way to do it. Of course, as always, I say "Tell early Tell often" when getting into a relationship. That way the SO doesn't have a huge investment (and the TG doesn't either). Once you build up trust, it is hard to get back. And when someone lives with the omission of a key fact, I get why they would be angry. I do.

No pat answers here. Each case is unique and what someone will do on either side to maintain the relationship is wholly their choice. But having played the game (and to be honest it was MY game, neither woman demanded I give it up or hide it, I made that decision so "protect" them) I can tell you that being miserable for years by trying to be something you are not, wears a relationship as badly as an affair or drinking or drugs.

[Alice Torn]

Leigh, I have noticed your absence on here, and was about to Pm, then saw your thread. I am single, but had two older women come down on me on the last week, about my dressing. One said i should never marry, that i am no good for marriage. Last night, the other older woman told me God made me a man, and i should not try to be a woman. I have not found one woman , that accepts a man dressing up, anywhere. I have been feeling intense pressure to stop dressing, but the desire to look pretty and beautiful, is so intense, for so long, that i am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A love/hate relationship with dressing, and also a love/hate relationship with women. I can see, that if i keep it hi, and get married to a woman, i will be in the same boat. I wish there was a pill that would totally end all desire to dress! Some, say, God can give one the power to stop. I believe it is mostly possible, but i see that only terrible injury, illness, or death will end the desire totally. I hope , like others said, communication and sharing, and work, will keep your marriage going well, and dressing to bare minimum. One day at a time is all we can do, or one minute. It sounds like you are doing your part, and this is a part of you, you are sacrificing, but maybe you will be better keeping it away.

[CONSUELO]

This must have been a very difficult time for you LeighR. I hope that the next few months are much easier and that you reach an accommodation that works for you both.

From another perspective, the replies to this post are very interesting. If one ignores the specific comments about cross dressing, the general thrust of comments could easily be applied to someone realizing that they have an addiction that is damaging something much more important in their lives and consequently, the addiction is confronted and banished.
In many, many other posts and comments on this site the line taken is that cross dressing is something that is genetically influenced and that it is intrinsic to the individual and therefore cannot be simply treated as an addictive behavior. I find this apparent conflict both interesting and perplexing. I don't know what the answer is.

Please do not jump to any conclusion that the remarks in the preceding paragraph and questions are in any way a criticism of LeigR's decision. I understand and sympathize with what she is trying to do and I wish her every best wish for happiness and contentment

[Bria]

Reality and emotions!! The rational mind may tell the gut that "its just clothes", but the gut doesn't beleive it. What we feel is "right" in our gut is generally what we learned or were told when we were children.

Is abortion "right"? It may depend on what the gut says, How about a particular religion, is it "right"? When Tinkerbell says tht her gut is being squeezed, her mind may not be able to make the gut feel OK no matter how hard she tries. That's the emotion part. The reality part may be "its just clothes".

Leigh has taken a very high road, a very tough desision, one that I would hope that I would make if faced with a similar situation.

Leigh, please know that I will keep you and your wife in my prayers!

Hugs, Bria

[Desirae]

I see no winners in LeighR's situation. But, I'm in the same thought pattern as Nicole. It's just clothing. And although I'm single and have never been married and probably lack any standing to really comment on marriage, I always thought that the vows were, "for better or for worse"? I don't remember the "worse" being quantified? It may be one thing if the CDing spouse wants to take her CDing out and about in public, to the "clubs", or wants to engage in other wise risky behavior. But, I honestly don't see the big deal if it's kept behind closed doors and within the privacy of the household. We're talking CDing here, not TS-ing. It's just clothing.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

(BTW I am so proud of Tink here because even though she doesn't like it she is trying hard to understand it).

Thanks Lorileah . Stories like this one help me see the other side. Leigh is putting her wife first and I find that quite incredible and very sweet, yet I also feel the pain of such a selfless decision and that of many others here. As some have written, it's just clothing. Why do I or any other wife have such a negative reaction, one that completely overrides common sense? Why does this hurt us so much?

I honestly have no clue. Why does a man wear women's clothing? I feel the answer lies somewhere between these too impossible questions x