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Thread: Why do you need us??

  1. #1
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    Why do you need us??

    I'm not asking this so much on a personal level, but on a general level for all GG's who find themselves in a relationship with a crossdresser who eventually meet the crossdresser's 'femme' side and wonder where they fit in. Yes, many will wonder this and many will fret about the answer. Why do you need us when you have a ready made wife inside you??

    Given how complicated the relationship with a GG is for you all, it doesn't seem like GG/CD relationships fare very well. They can, but there's an awful lot of compromising involved. Often, the compromising means putting aside something important and innate to accommodate the spouse. Do other marriages compromise this much?

    So, as the annoying girl that I'm am I have to ask....

    WHY do you need us??
    Last edited by Tinkerbell-GG; 06-27-2014 at 04:59 AM.

  2. #2
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    Hi Tink . . . such thought provoking questions so early in the morning. I am up for my morning run . . . what is your excuse?

    I can only answer from my own circumstances which may be different from others. I was involved with my lovely wife long before Isha every made her appearance so my relationship with my wife is far stronger than my relationship with Isha (if there is such a thing). Isha is part of who I am. I will refer to her as her, my girl side, en femme, and whatnot but in the end she is still me (a guy, a dude, a bloke, a man) who just dresses prettier. My wife is my soul mate, my light, my love and luckily she embraces Isha as part of me. Don't get me wrong we are not GFs we are BFs because we share regardless of how I dress. Isha is not my concept of a wife, my wife is my wife . . . hence the reason why Isha will never darken the nuptial bed .

    So . . . I need my wife because I love her unconditionally as she loves me. Regardless of how I am dressed she is my grounding (she keeps that Alpha male temper of mine in check ), she shares her life with me and I share mine with her, she understands me only the way someone close can, she has seen me through some very dark times (before anyone gets confused I am talking about combat related issues) and has always been there for me. To be honest, I don't know where I would be without her in my life.

    Hugs

    Isha

  3. #3
    Junior Member Sc0rp10N's Avatar
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    This one's easy... You are everything to us. You KNOW us. You LOVE us. We want you to know and love every aspect of our being. Same with any relationship, but in this case, its a vulnerability that only those closest to us could be trusted with and we want your trust and acceptance. Its so hard to build a relationship. We don't want to have to do it all over again. We need that one person we've chosen to be our partner. And it doesn't hurt, in the case of cd-Ing, that you know some things about how to look good! :-D

  4. #4
    0 to trans in 60 seconds! Donnagirl's Avatar
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    Tinkerbell,

    I'm a little purplexed by your question... For me, I'm 'en femme' for a few short hours in any given month. Outside of that I'm a macho, hardworking, loving, father and husband. I have exactly the wants and needs of a loving husband. I just have thus small part of me that needs to surface every now and then...

    For those who transition, I can understand how you may harbour such an opinion, but I still think it lacks a little compassion. We are a in need of companionship, want to love and be loved, to care for someone.

    I think I can come close to understanding a small part of how you must feel. I saw so much of it in my SO. Because I dress I don't love her less, because of her compassion, because of her understanding love her more. I would do everything for her and anything to protect her.

    I know others have offered similarities to activities that impact on relationships, but I maintain that ours is the hardest to accept. My SO still fears being embarrassed if I'm caught out. She feared, for so long that this was in some way her fault, I was making up for something she was failing at, she was not enough 'woman' for me. I'm just grateful she understands a little more and is prepared to accept this into our relationship.

    I need her and love her as any husband should...
    Call me Donna, please

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donnagirl View Post
    but I still think it lacks a little compassion. We are a in need of companionship, want to love and be loved, to care for someone.
    Actually, the question is general but entirely compassionate. I've been a part of a few wives groups over the years as I've known of my H's dressing for some time, as everyone knows. I finally came here because, clearly, these groups weren't helping me as I'd reached the point of seeking separation from my H - in large part because of these unanswered questions we GG's ask each other. Can you imagine the answers we give each other? Yep, they're not crossdresser friendly. They're not even reality most of the time. They're actually harmful in so many ways and many wives feel more confused and uncomfortable after talking to each other than keeping this to themselves. I suspect marriages are destroyed because of our conversations and it makes me sad. Knowledge is power and we really don't hear the truth of all this

    So, what you and Isha and Scorpion have written here has already lightened the hearts of many anonymous GG's reading here. I really expect there are many. So I try to ask the questions I know they're too afraid to ask.

    I want this to be easier for them than it was for me.
    Last edited by Tinkerbell-GG; 06-27-2014 at 04:03 AM.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Tinkerbell,
    For a loving relationship and support for "each other".
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  7. #7
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    So what are you asking exactly? Why does a man need a woman in his life? Are you implying that because we like to dress up we dont need love and companionship? by "making compromises" are you saying that a woman could not love a CDer? This post actually kind of upset me and put me into that frame of mind of "maybe even if she says she loves me she doesnt. Maybe shes lying about liking my crossdressing". We need a girlfriend or a wife (or boyfriend if thats your thing, it isnt for me but i know it is for some) for the same reason anyone does. and having a gf that not only knows i crossdress but actually likes it has made my life so much better. I cant think of any "compromises" that have had to be nade because of it, even if im sure there are. In fact if i had never started dating the girl i am nowid have never gotten over some very bad things that hapoened to me, and i wouldnt even be posting here, i would still be in a miserable slump trying to deny the fact i like crossdressing.

  8. #8
    Member Emi_'s Avatar
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    In any real and serious relationship there is discovery about each other. There are challenges, victories, disappointments, and sacrifices. This is all part of becoming a part of each other. You grow together, learning and communicating and compromising. Compromise is a dirty word and a treacherous concept anymore however.

    There is a nasty trend of believing that we, as individuals, are the most important thing. That is not true in a committed relationship. True love is surrendering your selfish interests for the interests of the pair you are with your partner. It's a negotiation and all sides give something. And, yes, sometimes partners can't see eye-to-eye and this is where the hard decisions must be made about what we really love.
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  9. #9
    Transman Andy66's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG View Post
    Why do you need us when you have a ready made wife inside you??
    I hope you dont mind if I throw in my two cents. I think this may be where your logic gets faulty. I dont think most people think of themselves as their own spouse, regardless of their gender. We still crave that very special someone who we can love and trust more than anyone else in the world. Its like that saying, no man is an island. Trying to be your own spouse sounds kind of like talking to yourself instead of sharing ideas with a friend. You may never disagree with yourself (hopefully), but you will never get anything good out of talking to yourself either.
    Last edited by Andy66; 06-27-2014 at 05:00 AM.

  10. #10
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    Andy66, I agree. BUT, many wives of crossdressers feel threatened and even feel like their place has been taken by their H's femme side. It sounds illogical, I know - but so do many of the threads here where members speak in third person and treat their crossdressing like a separate personality. Anyway, there are many wives out there thinking this. I don't come up with this stuff because I'm bored. What I'm surprised about is that this is something the members here didn't realise. Seriously?!? You never thought that dressing like a woman might make the woman in your life feel insecure, or even obsolete?

    And KaylaRoxx, I have no idea why you'd feel so badly about what I wrote. Yes, GG's do think this stuff - I won't downplay how many or how often but this site is not a true reflection on GG perspective, that's all I'm saying. That said, the problems we face only happen when the crossdresser won't acknowledge them. If you know of these issues from the start, if you understand our insecurities and what we worry about, surely your relationship will thrive?? And surely then, we won't need to ask why you need us? We will just know that you do
    Last edited by Tinkerbell-GG; 06-27-2014 at 05:20 AM.

  11. #11
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    I think the simplest response in my mind is that we need you because you are you. Nothing, and I mean nothing can take the place of a loving and caring woman, not even ourselves.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  12. #12
    Silver Member Mollyanne's Avatar
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    It appears to me that the more intense of the question(s) the answer(s) become more confused. The human is in need of another human. This goes for any gender or blended genders. If you are looking for a simple answer there isn't any. The human equation is as complex as any.

    Molly
    "To thine own self be true"

  13. #13
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    Hi Tink, It can be lonely when we can't share with the one that we love.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  14. #14
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    Because when she smiles the world fades into the background.
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    Because when she hurts I will tear down mountains to make her happy.
    Because when she's not there something is missing and I can't work out what it is.
    Because I cannot imagine what the world would be like without her.

  15. #15
    Worlds Prettiest Dad!!! Jocelyn Quivers's Avatar
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    I'll give a more logical and cold hearted answer/analogy. There is no choice in me being trans, it's just how things are, I could not stop if I wanted, and even if the magic pill existed I would not stop. The same with my wife. There was never a choice once I met her. I was falling in love with her, and yes I got cold feet in the final week just before our marriage date. In the end there was no choice in going through with the cold feet scenario. My love/attraction to her was and is a permanent part of me that will never go away. Same with the trans side as well. Even going with my girl side that side needs a companion, mate, lover, friend etc. Those needs are not going to be filled and cannot filled by my male side and vice versa. Also both sides are incapable, too disorganized, sloppy, lazy etc to take care of each other, and they both need the wife to keep them in line, go to the doctor, clean up, make the bed, watch spending, not burn the house down cooking, take car of the cat's, bum clothes from etc.
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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG View Post
    Given how complicated the relationship with a GG is for you all, it doesn't seem like GG/CD relationships fare very well.
    It is hard to extrapolate what you see here to the rest of the world. There are success stories here and others that go BANG in the worst way at the worst time. There are LOTS of crossdressers out there and we are just a subset of that. How representative are we? I don't think anyone knows. To the extent that what we've seen here is representative, MANY relationships are improved and deepened due to the fact that the coming out process can break down the impenetrable wall that we often build around ourselves. Hiding and being secretive takes its toll.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG View Post
    They can, but there's an awful lot of compromising involved. Often, the compromising means putting aside something important and innate to accommodate the spouse. Do other marriages compromise this much?
    The only compromise that I can think of is what is agreed upon going forward. Dress at home (alone or with the partner present), dress only outside the home (maybe in another town), etc. etc. However, to me that doesn't seem to require a compromise to the basic relationship. My guess is that in most cases our male selves remain as they were.
    Last edited by flatlander_48; 06-27-2014 at 07:20 AM.

  17. #17
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    Tinkerbell as most CDers are hetro, putting aside the CDing we still want to form a relationship, make a home and have a family we don't lose the ability to love someone !
    My CDing is closely linked to wanting to share with a GG and it's sexual ! Guiltily I sometimes think was I looking for a partner or a victim ? Maybe I just think that because I possibly married the wrong person ! Right or wrong it's lasted forty years, apart from the CDing we make a good team!
    The other aspect is a CDer may think marriage will take away the need to dress, and for a while perhaps it does. Alternatively seeing your partner's clothes may awaken something you thought had gone away.
    It takes a lot for an average guy to admit he wears women's clothes, he has a mountain of guilt and shame to contend with ! We all know it's not the partners fault but surely the guy underneath is worth saving and deserves some help and understanding.
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-27-2014 at 07:22 AM.

  18. #18
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    I heard something a long time ago that just stuck. "You can do anything you want in life, you just can't do it alone." True or not? I'm not sure. I've been in some kind of relationship since kindergarten. My wife hates my crossdressing and hints that I'm just damaged and getting weirder by the day. But, we're inseparable, connected at the heart. I would just enjoy being my female persona around the house. In my opinion, Carla is a whole lot more interesting than Charles. At least to look at.

    PS. I certainly agree with everything Teresa just posted.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
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  19. #19
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    Tinkerbell I read your post and I have to ask you. Is your plan to make all of us as unhappy as you seam to be. Why do you stay in your relationship your not happy, just go back and read all of your post. Do you want to stop all women to fall for Cd'ers do you want all wifes to be as unhappy as your are??? Your plan won't work here I think people come here for help and support your words won't chance my way of thinking. Go find real love again I can only base it on your post you must not have it now. Go find it make yourself happy. Connie

  20. #20
    Vino, Vidi, Vici! Renee Elise's Avatar
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    Tink, the love, companionship and affection (not to mention sexy time lol) a good girl can offer is simply wonderful. It's very different from the feelings I get when dressing and one shouldn't be thought of as a substitute for the other. When I'm with a girl I like being in the masculine, dominant role and being complemented by her feminine wiles . The guy under the makeup still has a special place in his heart for that special lady and it cannot be filled simply by donning sexy clothes.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member AnnieMac's Avatar
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    Tinkerbell-GG, I totally get your point about a GG spouse perhaps feeling threatened by a husband's female personality, like there is this third person in the relationship now. I have often thought about that, and how that could be the case. Your thread struck an idea with me that I have been recently thinking about. That is, if a wife of a CD is so accepting of that, and is willing to experiment romantically and sexually, wouldn't just be better to experience that with another real GG instead of with us fake girls? What I think I'm saying is it might be easier and more emotionally rewarding to have a real lesbian relationship, than to be a wife of a CD. I dunno if I am correct about that but it's crossed my mind lately. I think what I am saying is "Why do you need US?

    I honestly think CD-ing is kind of a selfish activity. It seems so singular, and can cause so many problems. At least in my case. So I guess that's why I am still a secret CDer, and don't want to burden my family with anything like that. Not fair to my wife I supposed to keep a secret like that, but healthier for everyone in my situation in the long run. So I'll deal with the consequences if I ever get found out. I'm not all that obsessed with it anyway, it's just kind of fun for me. But dang girl, I do love the shoes and the sexy dresses!

    Although this forum does give everyone a wonderful opportunity to open up and speak their minds, I also think it gives cross dressers a false sense of security that it is more normal and accepted than it really is. I like your posts Tinkerbell-GG. You are not afraid to honestly say what's on your mind and freely interact with us CD oddballs
    Last edited by AnnieMac; 06-27-2014 at 07:36 AM.

  22. #22
    Pooh Bear Judith96a's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG View Post
    Why do you need us when you have a ready made wife inside you??
    Can't speak for anyone else but... I don't (have a ready made wife inside me)! When I was single I was just as lonely, insecure, useless etc as any other guy, maybe more so!

  23. #23
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    One can't have a relationship with their self can they? I've been somewhat happily single going on 10 years. Is being truly happy dependant on living with and being in love with a GG? NO, one must be happy with their own self first. The only relationship I'm interested in is where both parties support each other's proclivities. If those proclivities become obessions (CDing for example) or are of little interest to the spouse, both will likely be happier with somoneone else or single.

    My female side is kind of a surrogate but it certainly can't take the place of a soft, warm, understanding, fun and uplifting female.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  24. #24
    Live it! Love it! BeckyAnderson's Avatar
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    That's a very good question Tink. I want and have a need for a lifelong, loving relationship, we've been married for 44 years (my wife found out about and met Becky 11 years ago). I need to have children and Grandchildren and the love and warmth they bring. I need to have one very special friend. I need someone to help me get through life, both in good times and bad. Someone to laugh and cry with. I just can't imagine what it would be like to go through life without my wife. My only desire if for her to better understand this side of me. It's really sad and, at times, so frustrating when the one's I need the most (wife and family) for support and understanding are not there for me. In all the years since her discovery of my feminine side NONE of her concerns and fears have come true. I'm still the same loving, caring, hard working and fun-loving husband she married with one exception......there is a huge empty and very lonely spot in my life when I dress.

  25. #25
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    Becky I so agree with you and I'm sure you speak for many others !
    I've only just come to realise and understand much more in the six months I've been a member after all the years of being alone with it !
    I just want to share how good it now makes me feel with my wife and family !

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