Why do you need us??

[Alice Torn]

Emi, is so right! I have been saying this for decades, since being in recovery from a toxic family of origin. The Price Charming/Cinderella fairy tale act we are told by society to play before marriage, is a reipce for disaster! People need to stop being in denial and phoney , to attract a mate, and just be real! Men need to put off the Superman, and Prince Charming costumes, and GG's need to put off the Cinderella, and Wonder Woman costumes, and be real to the future mate. We need to reveal the good, the bad, and the ungly to our potential mates. As bad as that sounds, it would save a lot of negative surprises later on, and divorces. And, that means admitting and discussing CDing before engagements, too. Sadly, the fairy tale weddings keep happening. Look at Prince Charles/Diana! I have been to so many "fairy tale" type weddings , back in the 1980's, and so many are long divorced now.

[CarlaWestin]

Hey Tink, let me backtrack a little and be typically male. We really don't need y'all if we're financially and emotionally sound. You really don't know the crushing baggage my wife brings to our relationship. Financial, emotional. Most men would have run screaming by now.

And, I just Love her.

She thinks I'm effed up because I'm a crossdresser. I mentioned one time that all I needed to do was walk out the front door and just drive away. I've done it before.

Ya' really think we ultimately, really need y'all?

Think again.

[dana digs sweaters]

You ladies inspire some of us.
After all, how many are inspired to look like Grog the Caveman?

[PaulaQ]

So as the wiser GG that I am now, I think it completely fair that pretty things be available to men. I just hope that women's self esteem rises along with such a change and we can accept you being pretty like men have had to accept our career ambitions.

And yet you still struggle with this with your husband, right?

I think a lot of women have a lot of self-esteem and body image issues. Why wouldn't they? There's a multi-billion dollar industry that is geared to making sure that we do. Most women need to feel better about themselves. I think all of us are beautiful, each in our own way.

As for societal roles, I think women get a raw deal. Somehow, at least here in the states, you are supposed to have a successful career, be a super mom, have a magazine photo-shoot ready home, and be sexy and feminine for your husbands. This is a ridiculously impossible and contradictory set of goals. I can't see how most women wouldn't feel like failures if they hold themselves to those types of standards. (Oh, while being rail-thin with supermodel looks.)

[MissTee]

Your question is thought provoking Tink and I rather enjoy your candor on this forum. More truth and less sugar coating helps us all learn and grow.

As to your question, see if this makes sense: I golf, I fish, I garden, I bowl, I write, I cycle, and I dress. Not one of those outlets replaces my need for opposite sex companionship. Dressing, then, is just a thing I do.

However, dressing is seen as counter-gendering and everyone knows if you are not true to your own gender then you must be . . . well, bad news. Good to know how GG's really feel, and honestly it's not surprising.

[jackie_p]

Great thread Tink. Like others, these types of topics are why I come here, some thought provoking discussion. Many have said it already, that we all, men and women alike, have some basic need of human companionship, love, friendship etc. life is just so much better when we have someone to share it with.

However, I try always to look at both sides of issues. In this case I'm trying to see it from a woman's perspective. So much of what we believe is based on the ideas and opinions presented to us, in the media, by our friends and relatives growing up, etc. We hear regularly that women have a poor body image because of the media. People often learn to be bigoted because they grow up in bigoted families. The point is that we all have these built in ideas and beliefs, like skirts are for women and pants are for men, even thought it has not always been that way, it is now and so we get programmed with these beliefs.

I will probably make a few people angry for this but, in my humble opinion, one of the things that we still get programmed with are the gender roles of men and women, men as the strong provider, and women as the loving nurturing housewife. So I wonder if the wife, when she finds out about our feminine side doesn't feel threatened because the stereotypes that she has grown up with are breaking down and she doesn't know where she fits in, not that she literally thinks that we can really be both man and woman in some sort of singular relationship with ourselves.

This might explain why early disclosure is better than discovering after many years of marriage, as in my case. My wife still loves me and has come to some level of understanding but I can't say that she loves it. But when I finally told her, after 27 years of marriage, her main problem seemed to be that all of the things that she knew about me we're put into question. And yes, she basically asked me at one point the same question that you asked, why do I need her? It has now been 5 years since disclosure and she knows that I need her for all the reasons that I did when we were 20, because she is my life and she completes me in every way.

Oddly enough, she still has a lot of those stereotypical ideas but I guess that we can't drop all of our notions of what gender is supposed to be overnight or the world would be crazy when we wake up in the morning. But it is ok because we work at it every day. It is hard but it is worth it. That it the thing that I think people are missing these days. They would much rather walk away than work at something. Maybe that's why the divorce rate in general is way over 50 percent in this country, and not just because of crossdressing.

Sorry for the long post.

[Dana3]

I was raised in Alabama by my Grandparents. My father's parents. My grandfather was born in 1899, and my grandmother was born in 1907. They married in 1922. They raised seven children through the Great Depression, sent three sons to WWII and another to the Korean War. Neither of them went past the sixth grade. I was one of less than a handful to graduate high school and college. I enlisted and did twenty years in the Marine Corps.

I know how to hunt and trap, find my ways through the woods, read a compass, a map. I've been through Desert, Winter, Jungle, Mountain, Warfare/Survival school in the Marine. I know how to live and survive off the land if need be. Which wild plants that are edible and meducible. I know how to skin and gut a buck, and set a trout line.

I hold a Bachelors in Business Administration ~ Finance and am a Chef through the American Culinary Arts Institute. I am Red Cross trained and certified in CPR, First Responder, as well as through the Marine Corps. I know how to wash clothes, separating them by color and fabric. I also know how to wash them without a washing machine.

I can cook, bake and frost a cake. Even decorate it. Write my name on it...........................

I well educated both formally and informally, and well read, owning a sizeable personal library.

But I need my wife to keep me sound, balanced, my "center" to not only feel and be loved but to give love, to give of myself completely and totally to another ~ to someone else ~ to her. To be a bigger part of something greater than myself.

I don't love her because I NEED her, I NEED her because I love her for the truly unique one-of-a-kind, special, hard-to-find SPECIAL person, individual, mother, woman, ........................WIFE that she is!

[Jessica86]

Am I the only one here who thinks this is not a question that is hard to ask or answer?

This is simple. Ask anyone why they need their spouse and you get the same answer. Doesn't matter what they are wearing, what color they are, sex preference or gender. To think otherwise, and pose a question thinking the answer is different because of any ONE of those....is wrong to me.

I would like to hear some of the VERY interesting questions. It helps us all when others pose the hard questions and make us think. Einstein did not get smart from asking what 2+2 is all day long, and asking WHY does it equal 4? Questions like what exact numerical value is PI is what made a genius.

[Adriana Moretti]

I LOVE it......great post...I cant speak for everyone...just myself...I DONT need a s/o... and never plan on getting married, OR having kids....I look at all my married friends and they have NO freedom...and they DONT even dress...its just not a lifestyle choice that works for me personally. No offense to anyone who is married etc...its just not for me...I could never say to a friend " No..I cant go...my wife wont let me"..or ask permission to do or go anywhere. I am quite happy and content being alone and comfortable with myself...i dont need another person to feel complete. My single guy pals travel at the drop of a hat, have fun, enjoy life...buy big toys like boats, and cars, ..or maybe we are just a rare breed that dosent want a wife..and a headache...a nag...a responsibility..an obligation.....or maybe we are just selfish...

[Tinkerbell-GG]

At 8pm on the 11th of December 1963 I was introduced to incredibly beautiful, blue-eyed blonde ballerina. She was wearing a patterned red wool dress, just to the knee, and her hair was in an elegant French roll. And that, as they say was that! We have now been married for 44 years. I loved her then, and I love her now. She is my strength, my rock, my friend , my lover. I would trust her with my life. That, Tinks, is why I need her. I have nothing inside me, or in a mirror that could take anything away from her.

In a nutshell, she is my wife, and my life.

Okay, this entire post is swoon-worthy! Seriously, Amanda, you just wrote why WE need you!

I actually love every post here. September, you're so right - we are beautiful no matter what we're doing or wearing. I'm actually a lot like you (very career minded) so you can imagine my identity crisis with becoming a SAHM some years back. It has not been easy and while I know I'm doing the best for my family - I'm literally hanging to get back to ME! That said, I've also gained some amazing unexpected moments in my new role (who knew how much love my children could bring out of me!) so I'm adapting better than expected.

Carla, you made me chuckle. I totally expect most husbands at some point have imagined they'd speed away from the ball and chain that is their wife and go merrily into the horizon in their imaginary Ferrari . Many men do have the freedom to do this so you're right - every day my H stays, he's proving that he needs me. Who knew? That's such an interesting way
to think of this.

Emi, your post should be read by everyone. We have ridiculous expectations that can't possibly be met, yet we live in hope. I was guilty of this, and I know it still affects me even now. Prince Charming wears my glass slippers and that threw my world off its axis! It would have been nice to be warned that Princes don't come with written instructions and might even dress like a princess on occasion.

There are so many thought provoking posts here I can't possibly answer all, but I want to say that they've ALL affected me. Those who won't marry, those who are married, those who struggle and those who live joyfully life like there's two seconds left - I find a similar thread in them all. I think I've said it here already.

You're really nice people. I just wish everyone else knew this.

[Roxie]

Tinkerbell,
Nice question , my answer is I don't need them, after being with a girlfriend that couldn't handle who I was. I've decided that I don't need who they are. I'd rather be by myself than have to explain myself to anyone.I'm sick of being the " THE FREAK" so now it's just me and thats good in my book
Rock on,Tinkerbell
Roxie

[sarahcsc]

Hi Tinkerbell,

Why do crossdressers need wives or relationships? Well, others have put it very well so I'd just say that because crossdressers are humans too and we all have basic human needs including love and affection. If we could put aside the crossdressing for a minute, I suspect you'd find a boy, wanting to love a girl, and be loved by her in return. Simple? Ah... but it becomes complicated when we attempt to define "love". We all have very different expectations to what love implies, some expect their husbands to provide a sense of security, some desire companionship, and for you, maybe you want a husband who would make you feel important. Maybe that is part of your idea of "love"?

I might be overthinking this but...
You asked a question there "why do you need us?" but I wonder if you are asking... "why do you need ME?"

Are you feeling unwanted?

Tink, these are great responses here and I hope they have helped you feel validated in some ways. However, I wonder if there is a person out there who you'd wish could say these things to you personally instead than having us say it to you.

I know you mentioned that this isn't a personal question but I believe every question hides a need. When a child asks "what time is dinner?", he /she is usually hungry. You also said, "You're really nice people. I just wish everyone else knew this." I wonder if you're wishing that everyone knew this so "someone" would know exactly what to say to you...

Anyways, for what its worth, I enjoyed reading this thread and I hope it changed the way you feel about yourself and us in general.

love,
Sarah

[Caden Lane]

Simple. I'm not attracted to men, I'm attracted to women. In order to have a fulfilling life filled with Love, I need a woman by my side in order to complete that equation.

[Alaina R]

This may be a little different but I don't really enjoy crossdressing without a woman being involved and into it. That is part of the deal for me. There are not many of those women but I was lucky that way. For women who do not feel that way I can see that CDing can feel like a barrier. Women want to be the main focus and want to be celebrated. CDing can seem like a barrier as the guy is focused/turned on by something other than her (at least directly). Of course, if women had any idea what men were really thinking or really like sexually, even non-CDs, they'd be horrified anyway. Sometimes I think the CDing just makes it more obvious.

[Tina_gm]

Speaking for myself, my Transgender issues don't come into play when it comes to how I am attracted physically or emotionally towards women. I have the same basic desires as a regular guy. My wife is perplexed by this quite a bit actually. She wonders why I am normal about my affections towards women. To be honest I do as well. But it is what it is. I am a mutt... I am as normal as I am not normal and I have no idea why that is.

[AmandaM]

Answer: Why does any man need a woman.

[Ivie]

I have a wonderful wife, she's loving and caring and funny and beautiful, I need her because I love her, I need her because of her.
My feelings of femininity are just an aspect of myself, that individual duality (if that is sound grammar!) could never present an alternative to a relationship with another human being.

[Tamara Croft]

Why do you need us when you have a ready made wife inside you??

I've just asked my SO (who is a CD) this question and he looked at me dumbfounded and said 'why would you ask a stupid question like that'? I then explained that I didn't and I'd just read it on the forum and he has no words what so ever to reply to it because to me, it really is insulting.

What makes you think the femme person inside is a ready made wife? They going to love themselves? share a kiss, hold hands etc... are you saying they do not deserve a partner because they have a ready made one already? As a GG, I'm as dumbfounded as my SO at such a question, I really don't understand where this could have possibly came from.

What I'd like to know is, why are you such a negative person?

[Vale]

I can offer some observations. My ex-wife once told a councillor, " He doesn't need a better half, he already has one." Which would have been funny if it was not so destructive. That was decades ago. After many years single I am now again married. My wife is emotionally stable, financially secure, understands & tolerates my CD, .... And she doesn't need me. However, she thinks life is more full and more fun with me around. The same is true for myself. I love her but I don't need her. We decided to build a relationship based on our ability to add to each other's lives rather than on neediness. I am finding this works much better most of the time.

Hence my 2 cents would be that my answer, and some other answers here, really answer the slightly different question -- why we love you --

Vale